http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=gangs The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 01:57:38 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-122496 Sat, 12 May 2012 22:39:07 +0000 MADJEZ 122496@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>Can I point out that "Sex Gang Restaurant" is a great name for a band?<br /> </blockquote></p> <p>Er.... 'Sex Gang Children' was an 80s goth band if that helps... or am I showing my age. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-122469 Sat, 12 May 2012 11:08:16 +0000 thisisall1word 122469@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bravo Sir. Really very very funny. And don't call me chief but, yes, I would like chilli sauce with that. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-122464 Sat, 12 May 2012 10:34:09 +0000 JohnA 122464@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I, on behalf of the Newsbiscuit editors, would like to apologize to all Muslim readers offended by this article and would like to give a hand of friendship - which previously belonged to Gary Stanton. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-122023 Thu, 10 May 2012 11:14:22 +0000 rickwestwell 122023@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can I point out that "Sex Gang Restaurant" is a great name for a band? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121997 Thu, 10 May 2012 10:43:26 +0000 rickwestwell 121997@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like your style, Stanton. You know they can't use this here, but that doesn't stop you. :-) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121927 Wed, 09 May 2012 22:22:01 +0000 The All New Jeni B 121927@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Turn it into an opinion piece by Samantha Brick about how she's so attractive a sex-ring have never had to drug her into having sex.<br /> Or how this is the sort of thing that happens all the time to pretty people like her and how less attractive women don't understand. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121918 Wed, 09 May 2012 21:02:20 +0000 nickb 121918@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>eat your heart out Frankie Boyle. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121909 Wed, 09 May 2012 18:45:32 +0000 A Wagonload Of Monkeys 121909@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What's the world coming to if you can't poke fun at Gordon Ramsey. That is why this cant be used right?</p> <p>Very good, I liked the line about customers taking their complaints direct to the police </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121900 Wed, 09 May 2012 14:51:35 +0000 JohnA 121900@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Unfortunately not going to be mentioned again. Even if it is a) funny b) satirical and c) close to the bone. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121893 Wed, 09 May 2012 13:41:22 +0000 medici2471 121893@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice piece </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121870 Wed, 09 May 2012 11:50:53 +0000 Textbook 121870@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Possibly best example I've seen of a great sub that will never be used. Pity. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121864 Wed, 09 May 2012 11:26:49 +0000 editor 121864@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well nicely written, but alas I think this news story has a large sign around it saying 'Comedy Writers; Do Not Enter' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121861 Wed, 09 May 2012 11:24:05 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 121861@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can't beat a good taboo store have some stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121857 Wed, 09 May 2012 11:11:04 +0000 Gary Stanton 121857@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An Asian takeaway restaurant that was repeatedly failing its customers by plying them with alcohol and having sex with them has won its first Michelin star thanks to a strictly hands-on approach by award-winning chef Gordon Ramsay.</p> <p>In perhaps what has been his toughest challenge yet, the foul-mouthed Hell’s Kitchen star took on demoralised staff and a ‘culture of predatory paedophilia’ and ushered in a new whole new era in takeaway dining. When Ramsay took over, Chunky Al’s "Easy Meat" Chicken Restaurant was losing customers at an alarming rate or farming them out to an expanding sex ring. But the sweary Scot quickly identified the problem as ‘wayward’ Head Chef Kabeer Hassan, a hugely talented cook and serial offender who had simply lost his way. </p> <p>Prior to Ramsay’s involvement, Easy Meat had been failing to inform its mainly teenage customers of healthy alternatives such as processed cheese and wholemeal baps, and often alienated its regular clientelle by charging ten pence for those little sachets of barbecue sauce. </p> <p>‘Easy Meat was a restaurant that was haemorrhaging money for fuck’s sake’, said Ramsay, 42. ‘By plying his guests with free alcohol, Kabeer was missing out on a significant mark-up. That’s no way to run a fucking business.’ </p> <p>‘When customers are going directly to the police with their complaints, you need to ask yourself what’s going wrong - how can I fix it? ‘ </p> <p>‘With the Head Chef, Front of House and six of the backroom staff now in prison, I’ve been able to bring in my own people and have make radical alterations to the menu.’ </p> <p>‘This was a place where people were afraid to come and eat. Now the customers are flooding back, safe in the knowledge that the taxi they ordered to take them home won’t drop them off at several different addresses. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10163#post-28009 Wed, 11 Aug 2010 09:36:15 +0000 Coldstream 28009@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Is there a tax benefit as well. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10163#post-28000 Wed, 11 Aug 2010 09:09:56 +0000 Basil_B 28000@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Call me Toad of Toad Hall if you like but credit is due where credit is due Mr Oxy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10163#post-27975 Wed, 11 Aug 2010 08:18:20 +0000 Oxbridge 27975@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You disgusting bunch of toadies. But thanks anyway. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10163#post-27890 Tue, 10 Aug 2010 20:24:40 +0000 brownpaperreporter 27890@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A A A A A plus </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10163#post-27867 Tue, 10 Aug 2010 16:22:38 +0000 Basil_B 27867@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I know a story of a group of lads who travelled up to Liverpool to watch football. They made the fatal error of telling the kids to fuck off but were surprised at first to get back to the car after the game to see it untouched.<br /> It was only as they were half way through the mersey tunnel on the way home that the engine fell out leaving them stranded there.<br /> The little angels had somehow managed to break in, get under the bonnet and loosen all the engine mounts to the extent that as soon as the engine rattled into life it would shake itself loose within a few miles.<br /> Cost them £250 to get pulled out of the tunnel and a further £500 to get the engine re-fitted. </p> <p>By the way 5 stars Oxy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10163#post-27862 Tue, 10 Aug 2010 16:06:14 +0000 ChrisHarrison 27862@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Coming to a street near you (if you live on Merseyside). 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10163#post-27814 Tue, 10 Aug 2010 14:20:13 +0000 pinxit 27814@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's gritty, witty and raw. And it could work!</p> <p>Keeping it real, bro.</p> <p>***** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10163#post-27809 Tue, 10 Aug 2010 14:09:26 +0000 jp1885 27809@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>(Insert toadying comment here) - 5 stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10163#post-27808 Tue, 10 Aug 2010 14:04:16 +0000 Sharpehunter 27808@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oh and it links in so well with Dave's recent toadying visit to India.. he will be well chuffed to see the youf of today taking up his initiative.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10163#post-27807 Tue, 10 Aug 2010 14:03:16 +0000 Sharpehunter 27807@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I really like this, probably because it will be getting implemented as we speak.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10163#post-27801 Tue, 10 Aug 2010 13:45:00 +0000 Oxbridge 27801@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>For five generations - nearly 70 years - proud Liverpudlians have handed the trade down to their sons. But soon the cheeky yet menacing call of 'Can I look after yer car, Mister?' will be no more that has been so familar to visiting motorists could be no more, once the job is handed over to a call centre in Bangalore.</p> <p>'We did a time and motion study with a leading consultancy and the results were clear,' said Darren 'Daxa' Bywater, 15, managing director of Da Stanley Park Crew, one of the leading car minding gangs on Merseyside. 'Car-looking-after is the least cost-effective use of our members' time. We need to adapt to the 21st century before our competitors roll us.'</p> <p>Under the new system which is being piloted in Toxteth, boards by the roadside in Crew-controlled areas invite drivers to ring a dedicated hotline to place their protection order. This currently costs 50p per minute, though charges can be varied by up to 5,000% and a 50% reduction in the number of kneecaps without further notice. </p> <p>They will then be be able to choose between three levels of protection: Basic (£10 - no scratching), Standard (£20 - no scratching or twocking) and Advanced (£30 - no scratching, twocking or tyre-slashing, plus Mad Moz will be kept away for up to two hours). They can then pay by credit card and print a receipt to leave on the car, though it would be a shame if that fell off, wouldn't it? Further information is available on a dedicated website, <a href="http://www.pleasedonttorchmycarillpayillpay.com" rel="nofollow">http://www.pleasedonttorchmycarillpayillpay.com</a>.</p> <p>Bywater told analysts that moving to the outsourced payment system will enable Da Stanley Park Crew to free up more time for key members to focus on core competencies in pimping, drug dealing and nihilistic violence. However, not all customers agree. One, who asked not to be named, said that the added costs of the helpline means that he is seriously considering switching his fortnightly visit to a prostitute to nearby Manchester.</p> <p>'The helpline sounds good in practice but then you're kept on hold for ages while six-year-olds with flick knives circle you,' added Trevor Willis, 38, a teacher from Warrington who visits his dying mother in Toxteth once a week. 'The staff in India are ever so polite, which is an improvement, but some of them have such thick accents I can't understand a word they say. It's almost as bad as talking to Scousers.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=773#post-2049 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:32:31 +0000 jp1885 2049@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Inner city gangs are increasingly eschewing dangerous dogs as status symbols for so-called 'trophy wives', the latest crime statistics have revealed.</p> <p>According to one Brixton community support officer, this latest trend is an example of the continuing evolution of the average street gangs' arsenal of weaponry. 'When law-enforcement agencies stamped out knife crime these thugs turned to bull terriers and the like, but with new dangerous dog legislation in the pipeline, any gang member worth his salt nowadays will more than likely have an overly tanned dolly bird to defend his turf.'</p> <p>Doctor's surgeries and drop-in clinics throughout Britain's less affluent areas have reported a sharp rise in suspicious injuries among attractive, recently married young women. 'We see dozens every day,' one health professional revealed, 'each bearing the same tell-tale scratches, bite marks and bald patches where their hair has been pulled. But as most of them are brought in by mother or sister-in-laws, we're rarely able to prosecute the owners.'</p> <p>Experts believe that the problem is being exacerbated by the amount of eligible women flooding the black market following the recent collapse of the WAG trade. 'Being a footballer's wife isn’t the big thing it once was,' explained a leading sociologist, 'after going through the team like a dose of salts, WAGs are being dumped by players before the tabloids get wind of what's going on - it's only natural that these abandoned creatures seek the company of other thugs.'</p> <p>'You gotta get yourself a woman innit? You ain't nuffink unless you've got a missus protecting you.' Notorious gang member 'X-Boi' told a newspaper reporter recently. 'It's for protection yeah? If some guy comes up tryin' to muscle in, you set the wife on 'im. Tell her it was 'im wot nicked her Dolce an' Gabbana handbag an' pawned it for money to buy skunk, an' watch her fly! Plus you get a great shag afterwards - you wouldn't get that wiv no pit bull!' </p>