http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=football The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 22:48:01 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60091#post-174709 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 12:24:04 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 174709@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wigan and Man City to be allocated 8 and a quarter tickets each. The rest will be corporate. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60091#post-174707 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 12:18:30 +0000 Midfield Diamond 174707@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Worth a bump for the idea. </p> <p>I scribbled down 'FA appoints Director of Pissing Off Real Fans' when they announced the ridiculous kick off time but didn't get round to writing it up. I expect there will be another opportunity soon enough. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60091#post-174551 Sun, 21 Apr 2013 14:15:55 +0000 sredni vashta 174551@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Every match would be like a home game for Liverpool. Come on you Reds. Or is that Man Utd?</p> <p>Actually it's Cardiff. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60091#post-174544 Sun, 21 Apr 2013 13:23:50 +0000 Hooch 174544@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The final of this year’s FA Cup Final will now be played some 225 million km’s away from its spiritual home on Earth to the red planet known as Mars.</p> <p>Some football fans have claimed this is a cynical ploy to capitalize on the growing Martian audience, the FA have rubbished such claims, saying in a statement, ‘We would like to point out that the Martian stadium will soon be a regular fixture in football venues. After meeting with various stakeholders, we agreed that rich people would have no problem meeting the traveling requirements.’</p> <p>‘As for the regular fans, the heartbeat of the game in that we can bleed them dry, we have put a bus service on but we would also advise them to consider that the travel time to Mars on a bus, they likely won’t return home until many years after the collapse of civilization’</p> <p>Regular Wigan fan Joe says he will not make the trip, ‘I was really excited about going to Wigan’s first cup final but then a mate told me that by the time the bus arrived I will have been dead for a few thousand years and that it will actually be my descendants who land on Mars. By that time the purpose of the trip will be lost in time and rather than a football game we will instead have to warring factions fighting over which God, Wigan or Chelsea, will lead them to salvation.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58346#post-169321 Thu, 21 Mar 2013 12:02:48 +0000 Oxbridge 169321@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Britain, the formerly quite capable island near Europe, has spoken of its relief at seeing television pictures of teenage girls in Beijing going hysterical over a brief glimpse of David Beckham getting out of a car. Hitherto, there had been growing fears that China's massive industrial power and highly educated workforce might one day be a threat to Western cultural hegemony.</p> <p>'The growth of China's economy in the past generation has been such that even we have stopped looking at pictures of funny cats on Facebook for long enough to take notice of this new superpower of 1.1 billion people,' said Dr Julian Walker, Professor of Dappy From N-Dubz Studies at the University of Leicester. 'So it's comforting to know that a significant number of young Chinese are brain-dead wannabe starfuckers, just like us.'</p> <p>Beckham then engaged in a brief kickabout with some young local players as part of his tour to promote football in China, while loud 'gangsta' music played on the tannoy and the spectators screamed out their love for him while booing at the mention of his wife, Victoria. 'Who says we don't export anything any more?' said Walker. 'Makes you proud to be British it does.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57531#post-166769 Fri, 08 Mar 2013 12:02:20 +0000 OliverMcPhee 166769@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Romanda Hips, a 63 yr old prostitute from Manchester has announced her retirement from 'street life' citing the insatiable appetites of Wayne Rooney. </p> <p>"I just cannot cope anymore" she says, whilst draped in a baggy leopard skin leotard. "At first it was fine, he'd visit maybe 2 or 3 times a week. But whenever he gets depressed, he can be calling on me 2 or 3 times a day. After he was benched against Real Madrid it's become ridiculous - I just feel exhausted, I can't cope".</p> <p>Miss Hips' decision to hang up her heels for good has added fuel to the fire regarding the future of Wayne's Manchester United career. In an attempt to mitigate the damage, Sir Alex Ferguson has sent his number 2 - assistant manager Mike Phelan - to try and convince Romanda to extend her career for just 1 more year. </p> <p>"I will speak to Romanda and try to negotiate a new settlement. I plan to offer her a new package that may stimulate her into action." says the Utd number 2.</p> <p>It seems now that Wayne Rooneys future may entirely depend on the attractiveness of Mike Phelans package. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55828#post-161222 Tue, 05 Feb 2013 05:45:12 +0000 birdw0rks 161222@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55500#post-160600 Thu, 31 Jan 2013 17:32:20 +0000 Anonymous 160600@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I say Jonnykins. Yer wasting yer time on that whelk addicted crustacean Pinkypoo. He's strictly a pie &amp; mash man...</p> <p>Meanwhile I'm adding more stars to your collection..</p> <p>Invoice in post</p> <p>Bunny... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55500#post-160574 Thu, 31 Jan 2013 13:54:06 +0000 Jonny Shlep 160574@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hehehe sorry bout dat Pinx. We East London urchins are not renowned for our word conundrum skills I'm afraid old chap. Anyway I hate bloody whelks! Now for God's sake stop basking and GET OUT! ;)</p> <p>Thanks for the stars MD. I remember the bus related gun play well but for some reason I thought it was the Ivory Coast boys that were hosed down in the comfort of their own charabanc. Perhaps I AM an American after all! *chows down on a plate of hominy grits and tosses back a fifth of rye*</p> <p>Just spotted your edit mate. As Jimmy Greaves once famously remarked to Ian St John in a moment of rare sobriety "It's a funny old game Saint, and it's a funny old game" :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55500#post-160558 Thu, 31 Jan 2013 12:31:14 +0000 Midfield Diamond 160558@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Shame on you JS, Togo are famous! </p> <p>I admit I hadn't heard of Togo until they got to the World Cup Finals in 2006, but I also remember something about their team bus being attacked a few years ago - Emmanuel Adebayor was captain at the time.</p> <p>Good idea though, and some great lines, so have some stars.</p> <p>EDIT - just looked up Togo on Wikipedia (I know, I know) and there's a story about a team pretending to be the Togo national side playing a game against Bahrain. So your story is not so far fetched ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55500#post-160550 Thu, 31 Jan 2013 11:36:12 +0000 pinxit 160550@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Shleppins, you mormon! If you'd read my suggestion... it was a justification of the choice of name -</p> <p>Stan's Whelk Emporium - with the strapline on their shirts being 'WHELKS <strong>TO GO</strong>'</p> <p>* FUME * * SEETHE * * GROAN *</p> <p>* thud * </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55500#post-160527 Thu, 31 Jan 2013 09:22:27 +0000 Jonny Shlep 160527@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>NOW you hit me with the ingenious headline Nick!</p> <p>Why I outta! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55500#post-160524 Thu, 31 Jan 2013 08:41:42 +0000 nickb 160524@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Togo told to go </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55500#post-160516 Thu, 31 Jan 2013 05:38:03 +0000 Jonny Shlep 160516@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thank you my friend, much appreciated. Both of the scenarios you mention would certainly have added to the gaiety of nations, if you'll forgive the rather desperate pun.</p> <p>In point of fact, my old friend Pinxit, who on occasion display his photoshopping genius in here, offered to do a mock up of a balding, rather elderly and portly soccer player with "Bill's Pie And Mash Shop" emblazoned on his shirt, but I turned him down on the grounds that I'm thoroughly sick of the man constantly basking in my reflected glory. ;)</p> <p>In a rather uncalled for and spooky twist, Togo have actually now progressed to the knockout stages and will next meet Burkina Faso!</p> <p>Oh the bitter, bitter irony! :)</p> <p>PS. To my eternal shame, I genuinely had never heard of Togo, and I'm not even American fer chrissakes! :( </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55500#post-160492 Wed, 30 Jan 2013 22:53:19 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 160492@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like this, thought it was a great idea. Alternative ending could be them being replaced with another team that are clearly made up. Or real but not in Africa. Like Russia. Or Wales. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55500#post-160428 Wed, 30 Jan 2013 14:24:59 +0000 Jonny Shlep 160428@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Officials at the African Cup Of Nations soccer tournament in South Africa were left red faced last night after it emerged that Togo, whose victory over Algeria on Sunday dumped one of the favourites out of the tournament, wasn't actually a real place in Africa at all, but a fake name adopted by Cripplegate Casuals, an East London Sunday league outfit currently languishing at the foot of the local Hoxton League Div III.</p> <p>Since entering they've enjoyed mixed fortunes with a narrow 2-1 defeat by highly fancied Ivory Coast followed by a magnificent 2-0 victory over a powerful Algerian side which should have led to a clash against Tunisia with a victory seeing them progress into the knockout stages.</p> <p>Tony Milner 29, the team captain told reporters. "We only entered for a bit of a laugh really. We certainly didnt expect to progress this far. To knock out the likes of Algeria has been a real bonus. The lads are absolutely over the moon to be fair. Admittedly one or two of our players got some funny looks at times, especially Ginger Atkinson our striker, the two Chinese lads and Bogdan our Romanian goalie, but in all fairness I think our attacking style of play has hopefully won us a few friends amongst the neutrals.</p> <p>The African Football Federation issued a statement last night. "Obviously we're a bit embarrassed and steps will now be taken to ensure nothing like this can happen again, but with Africa being such a big place and with so many small countries in it you can understand how a mix up like this could happen. I mean it stands to reason"</p> <p>It's believed that a senior member of the AFF is currently studying his atlas to see if he can find Burkina Faso. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54853#post-158461 Thu, 17 Jan 2013 13:29:24 +0000 Son of Barnabas 158461@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I love the headline! Recalls the old "Man bites dog" antithesis.</p> <p>Don't understand any of the rest of it though - I don't "do" football. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54853#post-158458 Thu, 17 Jan 2013 13:19:24 +0000 bonjonelson 158458@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Reminds me, in a good way, of my very first post here at Newsbiscuit (which was never used)</p> <p><a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9521" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9521</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54853#post-158447 Thu, 17 Jan 2013 12:41:12 +0000 chrisfgerard 158447@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Roman Abramovich’s advisors have informed all Chelsea supporters that as of 9AM this morning, they have been fired. Interim fans from the Organisation of Russian Commuting Supporters (ORCS) will take their places until the end of the season, while the ruthless oligarch negotiates with supporters from other clubs who will appreciate him more, and follow his instructions with greater obedience. Meanwhile, sources reveal that Vladimir Putin is now favourite to take over from Rafa Benitez, if, as expected, the Spaniard moves back in the summer to the obscurity he so obviously craves. Putin’s domestic record of dealing with disgruntled opponents, not to mention former allies, plus his international pedigree including successful forays into Chechnya, will mean that Abramovich finally has a man at the helm in whom he can trust absolutely, so long as he doesn’t nod off, turn his back, or fail to maintain his Polonium detection equipment. The FA was quick to endorse these latest developments, saying Chelsea fans, along with those at Manchester United, had long ago shown they could not meet Football’s ‘fit and proper’ criteria, and would not be missed. Stamford Bridge stalwart’s John Terry and Frank Lampard tweeted that they had nothing to do with the fans’ dismissal, but that they were all legends. They intend to fully support the new fans and manager, even if they are both cast aside at the end of their current contracts, having sacrificed so much for the club, for so long, and for so little in return, apart from countless millions of pounds and blood-soaked roubles. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54260#post-156633 Mon, 07 Jan 2013 12:45:16 +0000 glass90 156633@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The FA is to launch an immediate enquiry following the FA cup tie between non-league Mansfield and premiership Liverpool in which multimillion pound Uruguayan international Luis Suárez scored the controversial winning goal with his hand.</p> <p>FA spokesman Lord Sir Cedric Ignorecheats said “We need to get to the bottom of this, how can a old geezer of a man with no obvious redeeming features have such a gorgeous young wife 30 years his junior. We are all extremely Jealous”. When asked if a rematch was on the cards he replied “It’s a definite possibility, with the Mansfield players distracted by the nagging question of how their wurzel gummage like chairman John Radford managed to pull his sexy wife Caroline, how can they be expected to concentrate on the game”.</p> <p>When asked about the handball he replied “It’s a very popular sport on mainland Europe, especially Scandinavia, but won’t catch on over here” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52042#post-149795 Wed, 21 Nov 2012 10:02:16 +0000 Tripod 149795@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>They're both funny... and depressingly true... Stars... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52042#post-149791 Wed, 21 Nov 2012 09:55:33 +0000 Screenie 149791@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Only difference being yours is longer better written and more amusing. So I'm rather happy with your 'great minds' comment. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52042#post-149790 Wed, 21 Nov 2012 09:53:21 +0000 Oxbridge 149790@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great minds strike again. I was writing this exactly as Screenie did his and finished less than a minute later. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52042#post-149789 Wed, 21 Nov 2012 09:51:37 +0000 Oxbridge 149789@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Chelsea FC have announced that manager Pep Guardiola, who was appointed manager in November 2012 when Roberto di Matteo was sacked following a disappointing result in the Champions League, will be sacked in October 2013.</p> <p>'Pep will have done a great job in bringing us to a second place finish in the league last season,' the club said in an official statement, 'but, in the light of an unacceptably difficult 2-2 draw away with Sunderland on 24 October, we will feel it will then be time to move forward with a new name.'</p> <p>Guardiola, who will be in line for a £40 million pay-off under the terms of his contract, will have taken over a team that was in third place behind Manchester United and Manchester City. He will then have set about investing £189 million bringing in new blood in the form of Cristiano Ronaldo, Gareth Bale, Lionel Messi and the entire Brazil first team. However, we will have at times struggled to get the new team to gel, despite winning the FA Cup final when opponents Newcastle will have decided not to bother.</p> <p>'We will wish Pep Guardiola all the best in his future career, as he will have done a fantastic job,' said Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck. 'However, all good things will have to come to an end and we will have identified a fantastic new manager in Jose Mourinho, who has done a fantastic job at Real Madrid and will bring all the right attributes that the club needs as it goes forward into ... what? He WAS? Oh...'</p> <p>In a separate statement, Chelsea confirmed that it will have no plans to replace John Terry as club captain in January 2016. It will also be making no comment on allegations that he will be under arrest in Washington DC after making unspecified gestures at Barack Ohama during an official England visit to the White House, not on any supposed resemblance between Terry and the new-born children of Frank Lampard, Petr Cech and the man who locks up the club shop on match days. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51729#post-148799 Wed, 14 Nov 2012 22:00:36 +0000 TerribleTim 148799@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...more soon </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51005#post-146794 Thu, 01 Nov 2012 14:41:56 +0000 johnnydobbo 146794@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Police have started an investigation after a fan made what appeared to be a racist gesture during Chelsea's league cup tie against Manchester United.</p> <p>Pictures appear to show the man making a monkey gesture in the direction of United striker Danny Welbeck during the fourth-round clash at Stamford Bridge.</p> <p>Chelsea have already launched their own investigation into the incident, saying they would examine footage from the stadium cameras as well as that from TV. A Chelsea spokesman said "If we have sufficient evidence we will take the strongest possible action, including supporting criminal prosecution or making the perpetrator captain". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50544#post-145866 Fri, 26 Oct 2012 09:02:44 +0000 kimllfixit 145866@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I really like this one - I would love to see a nice, perfectly tailored rainbow tracksuit on some of the more twatty players. I suppose the homophobic slogan could be 'Kick hard tackles out of football'. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50544#post-145736 Thu, 25 Oct 2012 16:45:32 +0000 pinxit 145736@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Football was thrown into controversy yet again when all but five players in the Premiership refused to wear Football Association 'Nutmeg Homophobia Out Of The Game' T-shirts during warm-ups, preferring instead to wear their usual SKY, Barclays Bank, Starbucks and ATOS sponsored tops.</p> <p>A prominent Premiership and Uruguay international said last night, 'We're all for the 'Kick it Out' anti-racism campaign and wearing the tops, er, except all the black players of course, but this is going too far.'</p> <p>'The lads won't stand for it. We can't be seen by the fans to endorse such a sentiment. The nobs at the FA will be getting us to wear 'Bend Over Like Beckham' and 'Pass it to the Puff' shirts next. They do this then turn down Richard Keys' great idea for a 'Smash It' campaign. I really don't know what's going on in their heads.'</p> <p>'Encouraging fans to dribble their balls between other player's legs, well, it's just not cricket, is it?' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47828#post-137377 Sun, 09 Sep 2012 10:11:01 +0000 dvo4fun 137377@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A fine effort from Foxy there, Mottie. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47828#post-137335 Sat, 08 Sep 2012 15:25:33 +0000 button 137335@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Looks like its credited to you now. </p>