http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=fish The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Mon, 20 May 2013 01:56:26 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44320#post-126822 Thu, 21 Jun 2012 22:02:54 +0000 Hurrumph 126822@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Clever and original. Keep 'em coming! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44320#post-126802 Thu, 21 Jun 2012 17:51:56 +0000 The Masked Frog 126802@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Michael Fish may or may not have been charged with siphoning off the best weather and keeping it for himself. The controversial rainman come witch doctor has been taking advantage of his position to stash away the sunshine for his own enjoyment.</p> <p>Whilst most people have been cold and wet of recent weeks, Fish has allegedly been:</p> <p>SITTING in paddling pools<br /> BUILDING sand castles<br /> ENTERING donkey derbys<br /> SCOFFING ice cream.</p> <p>"I couldn't believe it", said a neighbour yesterday. "I was getting a proper soaking in my garden, but just over the fence the weather was gorgeous, and Fish was just sitting there in his sunglasses drinking Pims!"</p> <p>David Cameron was reported as saying, "There's no law against it, but its morally wrong. He's let us all down."</p> <p>It's alleged that Fish has been engaged in such activities since the late 1987 when he inadvertently caused a hurricane by removing the best weather from general consumption so he could have a barbecue.</p> <p> Police are anxious to point out that at this stage, no other weathermen are under suspicion. "He might feel he's entitled, but Fish will have to learn that probably no-one owns the weather." a police spokesman told us off the record.</p> <p>An inside source refused to comment. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40179#post-114604 Thu, 22 Mar 2012 08:55:17 +0000 Mr Target 114604@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...because it's stupid?... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40179#post-114588 Thu, 22 Mar 2012 03:34:52 +0000 Username 114588@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>... and now it's returned to its spawning ground... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40179#post-114440 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 09:44:35 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 114440@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I still like it, just like I liked it last time you posted it... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40179#post-114430 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 09:04:15 +0000 Oxbridge 114430@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thank you chaps. I love you guys mwah mwah... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40179#post-114420 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 08:26:22 +0000 dvo4fun 114420@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>good work </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40179#post-114402 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 04:19:54 +0000 Username 114402@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5*. lovely. likely FP </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40179#post-114262 Tue, 20 Mar 2012 11:15:41 +0000 Oxbridge 114262@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>For years, it was one of the great mysteries of the natural world. Why do salmon of all kinds travel over such great distances and brave so many dangers to spawn in the exact place of their birth, only to die of exhaustion shortly afterwards? Simple, says Professor Donald Hancock of the Department of Zoology at Oxford, it's because they are 'fucking morons'.</p> <p>Species of the family Salmonidae, Hancock explained yesterday, are mostly anadromous: they are born in fresh water, migrate to the ocean, then return to fresh water to reproduce. Those who survive infancy spend their first five years living in relative safety and comfort in the deep ocean, they inexplicably go back to where they started.</p> <p>'In the process, they swim upstream against powerful currents, often leaping into the air many times in an attempt to navigate waterfalls. Predators - grizzly bears and eagles in Canada, fat blokes sitting in deck chairs drinking beer in Britain - lie in wait for them. At the end, those who are left lay or fertilise their eggs and invariably conk out on the spot,' said Hancock. 'Retarded or what?'</p> <p>Some have contended that the salmon's migratory instinct is down to a mysterious force called olfactory memory. They believe that the river each fish was born in has a chemical signature that summons them home over thousands of miles. However, chemists argue that the sheer amount of fertiliser and other pollution dumped in rivers all around the world mean that this process should have stopped working and that therefore it all comes down to mindless conformity.</p> <p>'The simplest explanation is usually the best,' Hancock said. 'These animals have brains the size of an amoeba's dick, so it's hardly surprising they are such a waste of smelt. And as for cod, they just sat there in the ocean for millions of years getting tastier by the day and waiting for us to make nets big enough to catch them? Absolute numpties, the lot of them.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28529#post-79940 Sat, 30 Jul 2011 20:18:26 +0000 Oxbridge 79940@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hancock/Barnett. Gloucestershire opening partnership of the great one day side of '99-'04. I forgot which one I started with. Well spotted that man. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28529#post-79875 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 23:31:40 +0000 rikkor 79875@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I especially like "salmon rush die". Vy. apropos. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28529#post-79870 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 22:19:49 +0000 rikkor 79870@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The great tags are mine. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28529#post-79851 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 20:10:37 +0000 Iscariot 79851@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not me either. I did see some big boys running away.</p> <p>I just popped to enquire how/why and for what purpose Donald Barnett changes into Hancock. Is he having a wank? We should be told! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28529#post-79844 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 19:20:12 +0000 rikkor 79844@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oh, someone else is marking down your subs. Not me. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28529#post-79835 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 17:59:55 +0000 Mr Target 79835@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's funny cos it's true.</p> <p>Those salmon want to get there heads checked.</p> <p>Mmmentaaaaaaal! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28529#post-79834 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 17:53:46 +0000 be reasonable 79834@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Probably also explains the crowds gathering at the start of the football season. Have some fish-finger flavoured stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28529#post-79832 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 17:51:43 +0000 dvo4fun 79832@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ah Oxbridge - good to get the definitive explanation from the veterinary professional. Had you thought of tweaking it for submission to 'Vet. Monthly'?</p> <p>Full House. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28529#post-79790 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 13:37:57 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 79790@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28529#post-79777 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 13:19:55 +0000 FraserWords 79777@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thick, but very tasty - what a belter! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28529#post-79771 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 12:59:04 +0000 Oxbridge 79771@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>For years, it was one of the great mysteries of the natural world. Why do salmon of all kinds travel over such great distances and brave so many dangers to spawn in the exact place of their birth? Simple, says leading zoologist Donald Barnett, it's because they are 'fucking morons'.</p> <p>Species of the family Salmonidae, Hancock explained yesterday, are mostly anadromous: they are born in fresh water, migrate to the ocean, then return to fresh water to reproduce. Those who survive infancy spend their first five years living in relative safety and comfort in the deep ocean, they inexplicably go back to where they started.</p> <p>'In the process, they swim upstream against powerful currents, often leaping into the air many times in an attempt to navigate waterfalls. Predators - grizzly bears and eagles in Canada, fat blokes sitting in deck chairs drinking beer in Britain - are often lying in wait for them. At the end, those who are left lay or fertilise their eggs and invariably die of exhaustion,' said Hancock. 'Thick or what?'</p> <p>Some have contended that the salmon's migratory instinct is down to a mysterious force called olfactory memory. They believe that the river each fish was born in has a chemical signature that summons them home over thousands of miles. However, chemists argue that the sheer amount of fertiliser and other pollution dumped in rivers all around the world mean that this process should have stopped working and that therefore it all comes down to mindless conformity.</p> <p>'The simplest explanation is usually the best,' Hancock said. 'These animals have brains the size of an amoeba's dick, so it's hardly surprising they are such a waste of smelt. And as for cod, they just sat there in the ocean for millions of years getting tastier by the day and waiting for us to make nets big enough to catch them? Absolute numpties, the lot of them.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14646#post-39652 Tue, 26 Oct 2010 19:45:22 +0000 dogwheels 39652@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>John 'Chomper' McGill?</p> <p>Gill Finlater? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14646#post-39651 Tue, 26 Oct 2010 19:37:10 +0000 MADJEZ 39651@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it, </p> <p>Feargal Sharkey</p> <p>Tiger (shark) Woods</p> <p>MC Hammerhead. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14646#post-39639 Tue, 26 Oct 2010 18:15:56 +0000 dogwheels 39639@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Any suggestions for a more shark-like name? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14646#post-39638 Tue, 26 Oct 2010 17:57:09 +0000 dogwheels 39638@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Rene Carson, the shark who terrified a generation of movie-goers in the hit film Jaws, has checked into an exclusive Beverly Hills rehabilitation clinic.</p> <p>Carson's family said in a statement that he had struggled to cope with his dwindling fame and had become increasingly reliant on alcohol and "other substances".</p> <p>Unconfirmed reports from America claimed that the shark was found by his family "out of water and unconscious", although his agent has refused to confirm this.</p> <p>Last week, a Sunday tabloid printed pictures of the fallen star snorting cocaine through his gills from a dolphin's fin. </p> <p>Carson shot to fame after Stephen Spielberg cast the previously unknown shark to play the antagonist in the 1975 blockbuster Jaws.</p> <p>His performance as the man-eating Great White Shark was so highly-rated that he was re-cast for the film's sequel, despite his character being killed off at the end of the original.</p> <p>A Hollywood star soon followed and he remains the only shark ever to be entered into the Hall of Fame.</p> <p>For many years he was the toast of Hollywood, with a string of high-profile romances with famous fish and endorsement contracts. </p> <p>But despite a six-year relationship with dolphin actor Sheena Grieves - who had a small part in the Flipper films - Carson never married.</p> <p>His career took a turn for the worse when was conversationally dropped from the third Jaws film after a dispute over his contract and amid rumours he had eaten several of the child actors on set.</p> <p>A close friend said this week: "After he was dropped from the Jaws franchise, Rene carved out a pretty good career working on the nature show circuit, still trading off the success of his Jaws films.</p> <p>"But recently the television companies have been demanding more authentic reality TV, meaning the need for sharks to re-create the ways of the wild has all but disappeared.</p> <p>"He ended up performing at kids' parties and anybody who knows Rene knows that sort of work is just a real waste of his talent.</p> <p>"I desperately hope he can rid himself of his demons or else Hollywood will have lost yet another once-great star to the pitfalls of fame and celebrity." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10565#post-28879 Mon, 16 Aug 2010 10:51:02 +0000 Gary Stanton 28879@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>UN chief, Ban Ki Moon, last night urged thousands of middle class British school children to help flood-ravaged Pakistan by launching the world’s most ambitious exchange of hand-me-down shite that would fit neatly inside the boot of a Renault Twingo.</p> <p>A fan of the programme since childhood, Moon has witnessed many a Blue Peter presenter come and go over the years, either as a result of natural wastage, or an ill-timed fifty hour cocaine bender . </p> <p>‘I, like many of you, wept when the Blue Peter Garden was vandalised back in the eighties,’ said Moon. ‘The sight of ninety prized ornamental carp laid out on the patio in the shape of a giant phallus is one that stays with me to this very day. Although, even I have to admit the detail was pretty good, even right down to the execution of the helmet centre-line – always tricky – and the trademark bits of jizz arcing out of the top. Those guys certainly knew how to draw a cock using expensive dead fish.’</p> <p>He added: ‘Who’s this then eh? ‘Eeh by ‘eck - get down Shep!’</p> <p>In the few hours since his plea, ardent Blue Peter fan Tabatha Braithwaite, aged eight, has already collected over three aluminium Sprite cans which she intends to stick together using double-sided sticky tape in the form of a sculpture entitled 'Colossal Western indifference' .</p> <p>‘I’m not really old enough to remember the fish-cock thing,’ she claimed, ‘but I think it’s disgusting that people in the flood-hit areas don’t have access to an Ipod Touch or basic downloading facilities. Is there, like, even a Pret a Manger in Islamabad? OMG!’</p> <p>Her father Brian, who runs a small business in Chelmsford, was less sympathetic: </p> <p>‘People will insist on buying property in what is essentially a floodplain. The clue is in the word - see? Floodplain. Flood. Plain. Even when you’re done with burying your family and have managed to pluckily reassemble the strands of your shattered existence, you’re still looking at a nightmare getting the insurance to cough up.’ </p> <p>Meanwhile Mr Moon has admitted for the first time that calling for ‘waves of support’ was probably not the best metaphor given the nature of the tragedy.</p> <p>‘I’m fairly new to the job and it’s a steep learning curve,’ he later told reporters. </p> <p>‘I’d initially scribbled down ‘a torrent of help’ and this guy was banging his fist against his forehead going ‘No way – you can’t say that!’ So then I came up with ‘this unprecedented disaster requires a deluge of aid’, which I thought conveyed an air of gravity. Same response. ‘</p> <p>‘What ?’ </p> <p>‘If the Blue Peter kids can’t deliver, we’ll probably just get Chris Martin to write some piss awful faux-angsty charity single and liven it up a bit with Phil Collins on drums’</p> <p>‘Kind of Easy Lover meets Clocks’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10372#post-28429 Fri, 13 Aug 2010 07:37:43 +0000 dicky37 28429@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>[More soon] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5803#post-15912 Sun, 06 Jun 2010 22:33:14 +0000 Svendo 15912@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fishnets are out... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3217#post-9245 Sun, 25 Apr 2010 15:23:55 +0000 MightyBlair 9245@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff old bean, I take it from your earlier post you are feeling rather out numbered? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3217#post-9233 Sun, 25 Apr 2010 14:05:51 +0000 QorbeQ 9233@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You have me smirking in KFC whilst waiting on two under-nine's to finish a late lunch. Enjoy stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3217#post-9232 Sun, 25 Apr 2010 13:59:00 +0000 MightyBlair 9232@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The age-old belief that fish have no long-term memory was cast into doubt today when it was discovered that goldfish are more frightened of a Tory government than the British public. In a series of rigorously controlled experiments, scientists at Cambridge University exposed fish to recordings of speeches given by leading conservative figures of the 1980s and 1990s, including Norman Tebbitt’s infamous 1990 ‘Cricket test’ and Margaret Thatcher’s speech on ‘section 28’ at the 1988 Conservative Party conference. </p> <p>The fish were visibly distressed by the soundbites, retreated to the sanctuary of a their mini castle when shown pictures of the Tory politicians from the era, and in some cases refused to eat for days when a miniature of Norman Lamont was placed in the tank. The most extreme reaction took place when Mr Flippy, the 23 yr old Goldfish from Dagenham, threw himself out of the water, filleted himself and set off for Rick Stein’s restaurant after being shown a picture of Michael Howard. </p>