http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=ferguson The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 08:08:06 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61183#post-177775 Mon, 13 May 2013 09:50:59 +0000 Oxbridge 177775@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More like stream of consciousness than news. Some ideas in it could be developed though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61183#post-177757 Mon, 13 May 2013 08:29:06 +0000 Wrenfoe 177757@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yup - Brianflan is right about the length. There are plenty of good gags but the usual NIB/FP format is much more condensed. This wouldn't be too hard to do, but you may prefer to keep it in the style of a "features article" - up to you :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61183#post-177729 Mon, 13 May 2013 00:35:16 +0000 brianflan 177729@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I don't think you'd get all that on twitter....</p> <p>While I am a newbie on here so don't feel I have earned the right to yet pass comment, I do think this is well written but overly long.We usually only a few minutes in between laziness and trying to look busy at work to read articles. Also, why not just call him by his real name? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61183#post-177726 Sun, 12 May 2013 22:43:24 +0000 christobinsings 177726@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>On a sunny April day I had been invited to the home of former football manager Lord Alan Fergie, for what would be a frank and honest assessment of the Lords career – A step back in time. Where for the first time he would disclose how debilitating illness would dog him throughout his footballing life – the struggles he would have to overcome, a brutal fight with amnesia alongside personal addiction – That would see him at one point during the 1990s spending £38.46p a week on chewing gum.<br /> A man that now finds himself alone with just his memories rattling around his head, unable to make sense of any of them – A must read for any football fan or old age pensioner – A heartfelt tale that will bring tears to your eyes and possibly make you howl with laughter. One man’s personal story on his decline into dementia.<br /> I would be led through the halls of Trafford Castle, a place where you can hear a pin drop, the silence would indeed be somewhat deafening. Pictures of Alan’s former protégé’s would adorn the walls, a testament to his tenure as Britain’s greatest procurer of footballing talent - Massimo Taibi – Gabriel Orbertan – David Bellion – Eric Jemba-Jemba and Jose Kleberson I would later be informed that Lord Fergie like to refer to them as his “Fabulous Famous Five”.<br /> On entering Alan’s living quarters one is instantly overwhelmed by an aroma - a harsh fragrance of spearmint with a hint of three day old urine. A huge overcoat would cover his frail frame as he sat serenely in a huge red armchair, reminiscent of a throne, on the left arm would be a packet of Weather’s Original, and a bottle of Vino circa 1986, and on the right arm of the chair would be; lined up like soldiers – packets of pre-opened Wrigley’s chewing gum – original mint flavour. Ahead of me would be a spittoon half full of freshly chewed gum and Werther’s wrappers covered in phlegm.<br /> After the formalities of introduction, where Lord Fergie would confusingly refer to me as Geoff[Shreeves] and threaten me with knee-capping if I asked any questions in relation to goal-line technology – His Sky+ had stopped working at the weekend &amp; this would set the tone, as such I would press record on my Dictaphone , and the interview would begin.<br /> The following would ALL be Lord Alan Fergies own words.<br /> I suppose the warning signs were always there – I went to the doctors, and I think he spotted it straight away, and of course he then sent me to the specialist, and they did loads of tests on me. I remember what the Doctor said – and I will never forget his words, he said “ It is confirmed Mr Fergie, unfortunately you are suffering from Myopia” . Well I cried for three days and three nights until Big Sam Allardyce told me that it just meant I couldn’t see things that were further than a metre away. You see he had suffered with a similar problem; I think he called it Bulimia. Since that day I have loved that man like a brother. Love him.<br /> Noticeably soon after that diagnosis, I would deteriorate – It would get so bad that even if The BBC would show me a replay on T.V. of a blatant penalty that had not been given to our opponents, I would still not be able to see. In the end I had to stop speaking to the BBC all together - especially when they suggested my son Jason was slightly dodgy that time on Panorama – He wore glasses for Christ sake.<br /> I would first notice that there was a problem in November of 1986 when I would join Manchester United Football Club as their manager. You have to go back to my childhood in Scotland, none of our family had watches back then – So we had no reason to figure out how the bloody things worked. Why would we. Obviously part of the contract at United was they would provide a watch – I think it was one Ron Atkinson had left behind – a big gold thing with a huge diamond face, well when I say gold, it was covered in green under the band. Ron was always bringing fake gold into training and selling it to the lads – Remi Moses told me that.<br /> It made not a jot to me though because I couldn’t work it, no use how I tried, I could not understand how many minutes added up to 90, I knew what an hour was, but not two 45 minutes put together, but in those days the FA and referees were not bothered about genuine disability amongst managers, they would attempt to just ignore it back then.<br /> After 3 years – when we had won sod all, the lads and the supporters all chipped in and gave me a birthday present of a new Casio watch which they inscribed with the words “Times Up Fergie” which was nice, but even with that I still struggled to tell the time, it’s laughable really when I look back now – a grown man unable to work a tick-tock.<br /> When I got my Knighthood from President Blair in 1999, Martin Edwards wrote to the FA to get them to make all our games last for 100 minutes, because then I could use an abacus. So they agreed to that, but some of the referees did not want to play ball, that Martin Atkinson he was the worst – disgusting man he should have been banned, never referee again, or deported for the way he used to blow his whistle bang on 90 minutes, you see I would be sat with Mikey Phelan thinking we had another 10 minutes, and that little s**t would be blowing his bloody whistle.<br /> Luckily Howard Webb came along and he would be more sympathetic to those with disabilities, he has done a lot of charity work in and around the Manchester area, well around Old Trafford. Fantastic man he will always include any time we were sat chatting during half-time, on to the end of the match – sometimes 5 or 6 minutes. Great guy was Howard.<br /> For my 100th anniversary as United Manager, Roy Hodgson &amp; Big Sam gave me a kitchen clock that would always automatically put on 6 minutes every hour – Jesus one week I lost half a day, my missus accused me of drinking it away, but I hadn’t a clue – bloody clocks.<br /> Things were to get particularly bad, I had always suffered from mood swings and had such a temper, forgetfulness and of course the eyesight would get worse. One day myself and Gary Neville were horsing around after a game – I tried to karate kick him up his boney backside, but rat like he swerved out of the way – My cowboy boot flew off and took out one of David Beckham’s eyes, his career at Old Trafford ended that day. And I completely forgot about it the next day, unaware that it had even happened, apart from the fact - my left boot was covered in claret.<br /> We loved playing Kung-Fu after matches in those early days, every Friday we would play during five aside games in training – some of the lads would get great enjoyment out of those sessions, apart from that big girls blouse Owen Hargeaves, he would turn up every Friday (Kung-Fu day) with a sick-note from his mom – The physio used to use him like a guinea pig as a punishment.<br /> Managing is all about building camaraderie , but these football lads are like children, there is always one who spoils the fun for everyone else, by taking things a little too far – Eric Cantona, another foreigner would ruin it for all the boys. I would have to dispense with Kung- Fu Friday after Eric started playing it on a Wednesday evening with a lad at Crystal Palace – As soon as the media got wind of that, we had to stop it.<br /> You will laugh at this, as an example of how it’s all affecting me, my memory has completely been shot – They told me that in 2009 there was me saying Eduardo should be banned for diving, when he was at Arsenal – I can’t remember. Then we have that other bugger Suarez flipping diving and doing somersaults all over the pitch – I can’t remember that either. You see my players were not like those foreign sorts, we had great players that did not need to dive – Ronaldo – Van Nistelrooy , the lad with the wig, Rooney – And Ashley Young who was also a fantastic swimmer by the way, he could have easily been a star of the high board in the Olympics.<br /> In all my time in football I can honestly say that I have never seen a player I have managed dive, we would in-still British values into our players – You go out there and play fairly and at the start of the game you shake your opponents hand – Be respectful of each other and the officials, well apart from that time that Scholesy and Roy Carroll refused to shake Patrick Viera’s hand after that French b*****d threw a plate of prawn sandwiches over my best mohair coat - that the missus had given me for Christmas. The lads did me proud that day and Viera should have been banned for life and should have never played for Arsenal again – He could have caused a riot that day.<br /> When I told our old goalkeeper Peter Schmeichel about Ashley Young’s high board diving - Schmeichel told me that black guys couldn’t swim – Funny guy Scmeichel was, some called him a bigot and a racist because he had a wee argument with Ian Wright, everyone remembers him calling Wrighty a black such and such – No one remembers Ian calling him a big Danish lump with a girls hair-cut, the boys can be easily wound up out there, these things just need sweeping under the carpet, and between ourselves the F.A. and the P.F.A. that’s exactly what we did, and good old Schmeichel ended on a poster promoting anti-racism .Even I would be accused of racism when I called them cheating Italians, but everyone knows they are a lying race, all I said was “ When an Italian says it’s pasta, I check under the sauce” bloody fined me £5000 after that – Sepp Blatter. I think he was Italian.<br /> Our supporters are some of the most knowledgeable in Manchester, they hate racism, but love a laugh especially with our Korean players – when they sang about them eating dogs, that made us all giggle[Starts singing] “ Park Park wherever you may be, you eat dogs in your own country” …… Aye that was funny. Sometimes the joke is lost in translation, you know – these boys can’t understand the lingo.<br /> Not like them flipping scousers what that Nazi Suarez said to our little black man Patrice Evra, well that was disgusting – He should have gone to jail for that, and you have to ask yourself why on earth he never shook Rio Ferdinand’s hand, just because Rio likes all that boom-boom bang-bang music, there was no need for that.<br /> Looking back now I assume I was always ill, people would call me a hypocrite, but genuinely I could not see very well, and my memory would be shocking – Three years after Roy Keane had left I would still put his name on the team sheet. Many a time at the Chemist with my prescription for my Wrigley’s - would you believe I forget I’m a multi-millionaire and tick the box that says I am on Job-seekers allowance so I get them for free.<br /> With Lord Fergie heading off on a tangent I draw the interview to a close, there are three less packets of gum on Alan’s armchair than when we started, and a now empty bottle that once held the vino lay disregarded on the floor.<br /> Lord Alan Fergie stays seated on his throne whilst offering me his hand to shake “ Thanks for coming Geoff” - I did not have the heart to tell the dotty old git that I was not Geoff Shreeves. I would leave with an impression that I had not seen Lord Fergie in a new light, more a confirmation of what I suspected all along.</p> <p>Find me on Twitter <a href="https://twitter.com/christobinsings" rel="nofollow">https://twitter.com/christobinsings</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44621#post-127793 Wed, 27 Jun 2012 13:53:46 +0000 HenryMJUK 127793@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It’s another of one those ….. “never saw that one coming, moments”</p> <p>Leaked by a trusted source, and in advance of an official Old Trafford announcement, this reporter can today confirm the immediate appointment of Angelos Epithemiou to the PR Team which supports Sir Alex Ferguson.</p> <p>When pressed for a comment, Sir Alex indicated the club had been involved in an extraordinarily long search for a suitable candidate. “Since the passing of the late and much respected Stanley Unwin, we’ve been looking for an individual, with that unique ability to respond to any question on any subject, with authority and believability”.</p> <p>Angelos is the perfect addition to our PR Team, he will fill that void and be in a position to provide answers to questions which are beyond my remit or those questions I have previously declined (walked away from) as being “off subject”.</p> <p>So in future, when some moron of a press reporter asks the same question for the 27th time or “if” Roy of the Rovers is to be signed on £500k a week – their question will be passed immediately to Angelos for a truly misinformed and incomprehensible answer, typical of that for which he is much respected.</p> <p>Press and the electronic media, should also be pleased to learn that all pre &amp; post match interviews will run for the time allotted, without the risk of being curtailed, as has previously been the case.</p> <p>We have not been able to contact Angelos (as he is currently working from a secret location, as a speech writer, for Balls &amp; Miliband (the infamous “two Ed’s are better than one” comedy duo) - however, and should he read this - Angelos, your comments would be appreciated, we’d love to hear from you.</p> <p>A formal press release is imminently expected very soon and without further warning.</p> <p>Sports Desk Comment: </p> <p>“This appointment will significantly reduce Sir Alex’s blood pressure. Recent analysis of the 2011~12 season reveals as many as 98.9% of all questions put to Sir Alex in pre &amp; post match interviews, conferences etc., have been repetitive, off-subject, endlessly repetitive or something about nothing which may vaguely have something to do with a Manchester United player or those awful noisy neighbours down the road”. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40991#post-116734 Mon, 02 Apr 2012 22:37:21 +0000 dvo4fun 116734@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not much I can add to that </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40991#post-116731 Mon, 02 Apr 2012 22:20:44 +0000 Otis B Driftwood 116731@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>United's "two for the Road " at Blackburn seem to have sent Mancini's hopes of title going down the Blue " Moon River".<br /> The prospect of playing out a "Charade" to the end season is not the "love Story" City Fans will relish. "How soon " till hope disappears may be determined this weekend when City visit Arsenal.<br /> "The theme from the Mancini Generation" this season has seen a wonderful symphony of football but as a challenger to United's Ferguson will Manicni end up as a " Theme from the great Imposter?" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=22659#post-61225 Thu, 17 Mar 2011 10:18:52 +0000 Gary Stanton 61225@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sir Alex Ferguson’s furious reaction to his latest five match ban could see the beetroot-faced Scot condemned to the stands for another five matches, the FA confirmed last night. </p> <p>Ferguson’s attempts to escape a touchline ban failed when the FA hearing, which was held at a Birmingham hotel, dismissed his suggestion that referee Alan Wiley had ruined his season by blatantly adhering to the rules and awarding a late penalty to rivals Chelsea.</p> <p>The United boss’s case wasn’t helped by his insistence that the hotel receptionist, Susan Davis, was clearly biased and that his requests for a Full English were ignored by staff, leaving him with no option but to vent his anger at a continental breakfast. </p> <p>Staff looked on in horror as three slices of toast and an orange were given the hairdryer treatment.</p> <p>Raising the prospect of a furhter ban, the FA have called Ferguson to account for his remarks against Davis, but Ferguson refused to back down, saying:</p> <p>“From where she was sitting, fairly low down and behind a large desk, there’s no way she could have had a clear view of things. “ </p> <p>“I had originally hoped for an Ibis – a traditionally impartial hotel with no history of awarding late penalties against us or a second yellow card against Vidic. “</p> <p>“We needed a fair hotel and a strong hotel but we didn’t get one.”</p> <p> “I expected more from a Travelodge. “</p> <p>Ferguson also claimed that he feared the worst on learning that the concierge was none other than Dave Smith, a lifelong fan of rivals Chelsea, and the very same concierge who Sir Alex blamed for his failure to receive an alarm call at a budget weekend break in Aberdeen some thirty five years ago.</p> <p>“It’s no use trying to blame the receptionist. That guy was supposed to be running the show. As far as I and Manchester United are concerned the buck stops with him.”</p> <p>And the Scot could face further disciplinary action following comments he made to the club’s in-house propaganda channel MUTV, where he criticised the performance of a trouser press that he blamed for his side’s lacklustre Carling Cup exit to West Ham.</p> <p>A spokesperson for Travelodge said: </p> <p>“We understand that Sir Alex’s trousers were left unevenly creased by the device but we strongly dispute his suggestion that it received backhanders. “ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4054#post-11647 Sun, 09 May 2010 18:48:42 +0000 rosewing 11647@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>During his meeting today with Nick Clegg, David Cameron offered three cabinet posts to the Lib Dems; then he offered a wardrobe, two chairs and free luncheon vouchers for life. Still not convinced Nick Clegg asked if it was possible for Ming Campbell to be brought back to life and George Osbourne's voice to break. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4054#post-11469 Sat, 08 May 2010 10:41:34 +0000 fun and games 11469@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice idea Rosewing. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4054#post-11464 Sat, 08 May 2010 10:02:42 +0000 Ostsee 11464@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wot about Accrington Stanley? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4054#post-11458 Sat, 08 May 2010 09:42:10 +0000 rosewing 11458@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ferguson &amp; Wenger were today being closeted away in the bowels of Lancaster House at the FA in a bid to find areas where their differing football philosophy agree. Wenger initiated the talks when he realised that a joint bid between Man Utd &amp; Arsenal for the Premiership would keep Chelsea off the top spot.<br /> Ferguson said in a press conference "Although Chelsea have more points they don't have a clear majority over Arsenal &amp; Man Utd. The system is obviously unfair" Wenger added that he disputed some of Chelsea wins anyway because he hadn't seen them!<br /> If the talks are successful Aston Villa manager Martin O'Neill &amp; Man City's Mancini said they too would launch a joint bid for fourth spot &amp; the coveted European cup place. Rafa Benitez had promised that his Liverpool team would get 4th but he refused to negotiate with Mancini opening the door for O'Neill </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1771#post-5012 Wed, 31 Mar 2010 09:48:20 +0000 Gary Stanton 5012@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Police were last night questioning a man , believed to be Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, after a Great Hornbill alleged that he threatened to knock the bird off its ‘fucking perch’.</p> <p>The bird claims it was subjected to the infamous hairdryer treatment after occupying a prime spot in the aviary for most of the eighties and because of its greater success in Europe. </p> <p>‘I thought the outburst was unnecessary, given that I’m forced to spend all my days cooped up in here. To make matters worse, I’ve recently had my wings clipped and there’s no money to spare for a bigger aviary, in spite of promises from my American owners,’ the bird told reporters.</p> <p>‘On the plus side, it had been pissing it down with rain and the blast of hot hair helped to dry out my feathers, even if I do now reek like a brewery.’</p> <p>Other species have since come forward alleging foul-mouthed abuse from the former St Mirren boss. The lions claimed that Ferguson marched up to their enclosure clutching a bottle of Southern Comfort , screaming ‘Just who is it that’s king of the fucking jungle?’. An incident that is said to have severely wounded their pride. Meanwhile, the chimpanzees insist they were left in an agitated state after Sir Alex warned it was high time he rattled their fucking cage. Colin , a twelve year-old male, confessed: </p> <p>‘I think he mistook me for Wayne Rooney because he asked why I hadn’t turned up for training.’ </p>