http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=falklands The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 15:55:25 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57810#post-167636 Tue, 12 Mar 2013 19:11:12 +0000 pinxit 167636@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The three islanders who voted for Argentine rule of The Falklands in yesterday's referendum have been tracked down and unmasked.</p> <p>From the haven of Port Stanley prison they have given very different reasons for their choice.</p> <p>Bachelor farmer Des Barnes, 49, was hoping for a fresh intake of "dusky hot-blooded latino maidens" on the island, as "my chances of meeting a decent bit of scrannet over here is zero and I'm getting bloody frustrated. Besides, my ewes are getting pretty bolshy nowadays."</p> <p>Portly civil servant Charles Champion, 58, an avid gourmet, said he made his decision because he's "fed up of a diet of horse and mutton," and hankers to eat "real top-quality prime Argentinian beef."</p> <p>The third dissenter, Darren Larrikin 19, said 'I was pissed when I voted and did it for a laugh."</p> <p>All three are expected to remain in detention, for their own safety, for at least ten years. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55525#post-160543 Thu, 31 Jan 2013 10:20:51 +0000 Dick Everyman 160543@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What an excellent idea! Maybe sheep that roast themselves too? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55525#post-160531 Thu, 31 Jan 2013 09:43:48 +0000 BillyBitzer 160531@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I tried to shoehorn some sheep jokes in but failed... :-) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55525#post-160506 Thu, 31 Jan 2013 00:01:25 +0000 FlashArry 160506@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>At last, an explanation for Eastbourne.</p> <p>Really nice idea, Mr B, well phrased and plenty of scope to expand - ***** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55525#post-160490 Wed, 30 Jan 2013 22:49:32 +0000 BillyBitzer 160490@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ed Davey, Secretary for Energy and Climate Change, today welcomed the news that the Falkland Islands wished to be considered as the site of the long term storage facility for the UK’s nuclear waste generated over the last 60 years.</p> <p>“It is good to see that the Nimby attitude doesn’t extend to all parts of the country. We need this facility. While there may be a few logistical issues, the offer shows how much the islanders want to contribute to the future of the UK.”</p> <p>Questions about the safety and suitability of the location have been raised, but the Council said that there were no grounds for concern. “We think our plan to distribute the waste randomly on the beaches, particularly those suitable for landing craft, should not worry anyone with a genuine claim to the sovereignty of the islands. It will be clearly marked as potentially hazardous”</p> <p>However, the news has not been met with approval in all quarters. “We see this as a blatant attempt to curry favour in Westminster, and to persuade the British people that they should continue to prop up this war-torn, politically belligerent remnant of the Empire. It is huge financial drain on the economy, only existing because of years of failed attempts to reach a sensible solution and is an embarrassment to all those who strive for peaceful co-existence” said the leader of the DUP, Peter Robinson, from his headquarters in Belfast. “We only wish we had thought of it first.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54123#post-156266 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 12:53:34 +0000 Oxbridge 156266@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for input, Simon, I've spliced it together as best I can. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54123#post-156260 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 11:57:21 +0000 gregle 156260@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice one. Made me laugh </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54123#post-156245 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 09:52:52 +0000 simonjmr 156245@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Here's my similar take onthis from last year - feel free to use any of it in the above.</p> <p><a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38736" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38736</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54123#post-156244 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 09:46:40 +0000 Dawsons creek 156244@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I thought that England won on the submarine-hindreds of dead method?</p> <p>I don't really understand this this doesnt seem to be just replacing one island name with another? I think it needs a better ending with a channel opening up. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54123#post-156243 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 09:44:37 +0000 Tripod 156243@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice... works for me. ***** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54123#post-156241 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 09:39:42 +0000 Oxbridge 156241@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Argentinian president Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner has categorically refused to negotiate over the sovereignty of the Isle of Wight, despite the provocative behaviour of Britan's right-wing Coalitionista dictatorship, which recently put a full-page ad in El Diario de Buenos Aires asserting its claims to the barren island. </p> <p>Diplomats say this is the tensest stand-off since the two countries fought a brief war 30 years ago, which Argentina won on the Duckworth-Lewis method. La Isla Blanca, as it is known there, is a vital link in the South American nation's two-way trade with Europe in corned beef, polo ponies and ageing Nazis.</p> <p>'General Cameron is cynically trying to raise nationalistic fervour over this issue, because they are no longer able to distract the downtrodden British people since the X-Factor ended,' warned a UN-appointed mediator. 'However, Argentina's recent posting of its native-born singer Chris De Burgh to the island has also provoked justified anger in Britain.'</p> <p>In the recent ad, Britain denounced Argentina's 200-year possession of the Isle of Wight as a legacy of colonialism that should be corrected. Geographically, it claims, the Isle is part of Britain and could be reached in less than two hours from the abandoned port city of Southampton, in the unlikely event that anyone wanted to go there. </p> <p>The Isle of Wight is rumoured to have huge untapped reserves of clotted cream and, with heavy investment, it could rapidly be brought into the 1960s. Britain's ight-wing tabloids have urged the Coalitionistas to invade, scoffing at the very idea that a country on the other side of the world and led by a woman would fight back. Fernandez, however, dismisses this as reflecting the latent inadequacy of men in a country that has Katie Price as its icon of feminitity.</p> <p>'The future of the Isle of Wight is for the inhabitants alone to decide,' said President Fernandez. 'And, with no economic activity to speak of, constant harking back to an idealised but short-lived past and their prejudice against incomers despite being mostly immigrants themselves, they are clearly Argentine in every respect. We will use force if we must to save these poor people from the tinpot British regime, which should hopefully fall from power soon anyway.' </p> <p>[A joint effort with simonjmr. Hat tips to Sinnick and Dawsons creek. Recycled and updated from last time this was topical.] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53669#post-154972 Sat, 22 Dec 2012 20:48:34 +0000 custard cream 154972@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wonderful, great stuff! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53669#post-154883 Sat, 22 Dec 2012 08:15:36 +0000 Golgo13 154883@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Don't worry Squudge....I've cut and pasted from newspaper articles and wikipedia...</p> <p>I think it's an acceptable technique </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53669#post-154881 Sat, 22 Dec 2012 08:12:52 +0000 Squudge 154881@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ok - here is another go without 'cut and paste', but the facts sort of need to go in as a framework.</p> <p>-------------------------------------version 2--------------------------</p> <p>Despite mounting anger from Argentina, after a part of Antartica was named after the Queen this week, it has been reported that the Falklands are to be renamed the "Nyah nyah ne-nyah nyah Islands".</p> <p>The UK ambassador to Argentina was summoned yesterday to explain to officials in Buenos Aires why part of Antarctica has been renamed 'Queen Elizabeth Land'. He was handed a formal protest note "strongly rejecting" the UK's claim to the land and thus the right to rename it.</p> <p>The UK ambassador denies blowing a raspberry and making the surprise announcement re the Falkands/Malvinas renaming in a provocatively plummy British accent.</p> <p>East Antarctica already has 'Princess Elizabeth Land', so named before the Queen took the throne, and a mountain range in the Antarctic peninsula named the Princess Royal Range in 2006 in tribute to the Queen's daughter. The Foreign Office has denied that it had anything to do with her 'splendid rack'.</p> <p>A palace official has since revealed that the Queen has asked William Hague to consider redesignating South Georgia as 'Prince Harry Redoubt' if he doesn't mend his ways quite soon.</p> <p>Media requests to view the Palace globe, which is thought to comprise 'mainly pink bits', have been politely declined by the Queen's equerry today. When asked he denied that HRH Prince Phillip had requested that Argentina be renamed 'Loserville', stating "That would be insensitive". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53669#post-154877 Sat, 22 Dec 2012 07:41:51 +0000 Squudge 154877@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes - it was sort of the point.</p> <p>You think a re-write is in order with the facts in less-BBC English? Might make it more coherent I suppose. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53669#post-154867 Sat, 22 Dec 2012 06:39:52 +0000 Perks 154867@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Although I like the idea, the second, third, and all but the last line of the fifth paragraphs have been cut and pasted from the BBC report. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53669#post-154862 Sat, 22 Dec 2012 05:49:07 +0000 Squudge 154862@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Despite mounting anger from Argentina, after a part of Antartica was named after the Queen this week, it has been announced that the Falklands are to be renamed the "Nyah nyah ne-nyah nyah Islands".</p> <p>The UK ambassador to Argentina was summoned yesterday, to explain to officials in Buenos Aires why part of Antarctica has been renamed in honour of the Queen. He was handed a formal protest note "strongly rejecting" the UK's claim to a piece of land known as the British Antarctic Territory.</p> <p>The southern section was named Queen Elizabeth Land by Foreign Secretary William Hague on Tuesday. The note claimed the area was part of the Argentine Antarctic sector. It stated that the Argentine government "strongly rejected" Britain's right to rename the area.</p> <p>The UK ambassador denies blowing a raspberry and announcing the suprise news re the Falkands/Malvinas renaming, in a provocatively plummy British accent.</p> <p>The Foreign Office said on Tuesday there was a precedent for naming parts of the Antartcic continent after members of the British royal family. East Antarctica is home to Princess Elizabeth Land, named after the Queen before she took the throne, and in 2006 an unnamed mountain range in the Antarctic peninsula was named the Princess Royal Range in tribute to the Queen's daughter. The Foreign Office has denied that it had anything to do with her 'splendid rack'.</p> <p>Media requests to view the Palace globe, which is thought to comprise 'mainly pink bits', was politely declined by the Queen's equerry today. When asked he denied that HRH Prince Phillip had requested that Argentina be renamed 'Loserville', stating "That would be insensitive". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44586#post-127712 Wed, 27 Jun 2012 06:51:22 +0000 Denis Dijon 127712@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More to follow </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42579#post-121702 Tue, 08 May 2012 10:13:39 +0000 kimllfixit 121702@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ha ha, very good! Cinco estrellas! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42579#post-121698 Tue, 08 May 2012 09:46:37 +0000 Oxbridge 121698@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As sabre-rattling from Britian's right-wing Coalitionista dictatorship raises fears of renewed conflict, Argentina's president Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner has refused to negotiate away the sovereignty of the Isle of Wight. The two countries fought a brief war over the windswept island 30 years ago, which Argentina won on the Duckworth-Lewis method. Passions have been simmering ever since.</p> <p>'In times of economic hardship, General Cameron and the Coalitianistas are playing the nationalism card because they are no longer able to distract the British people with success on the football pitch or even high quality entertainment ever since Strictly Come Dancing ended,' warned the Spanish president Jose Maria Aznar, who has tried to broker a peace deal. </p> <p>'Their leading tabloid the Daily Mail has even dismissed the idea that a country led by a woman would use force to defend its overseas territories and be a full-time working mum. To be honest, though, I think views like this mostly reflect the latent inadequacies of the men in a country that has Katie Price as its icon of feminitity.'</p> <p>Britain has repeatedly denounced Argentina's 200-year possession of the Isle of Wight as a legacy of colonialism. Geographically, it claims, the Isle is part of Britain and could be reached in less than two hours by sea from the abandoned port city of Southampton, in the unlikely event that any British people wanted to go there. </p> <p>Cynics argue that Britain's true motivation is the Isle of Wight's largely untapped reserves of clotted cream and crabmeat. Some economic analysts believe that, with a few decades of intensive investment, the underpopulated Isle could rapidly be brought into the 1950s. For Fernandez, however, the issue is simply about respecting the wishes of the few thousand inhabitants.</p> <p>'The people of the Isle of Wight are Argentine in every respect,' she said. 'No economic activity to speak of: Argentine. Constant harking back to an idealised but short-lived past: Argentine. Mildly prejudiced against incomers despite being mostly immigrants themselves: Argentine. We will use all the power at our disposal to save these people from this tinpot regime. And Katie Price. Eeew.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41691#post-118868 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 16:00:27 +0000 yens123 118868@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a dramatic development to the on-going row over ownership of the Falkland Islands, the British Government has offered a sovereignty swop deal - the Falklands for Lionel Messi.</p> <p>A source close to the government confided;<br /> "Since nobody in England speaks Spanish at all, we've drawn up some pictures and helpful arrows. Hopefully our message will come through loud and clear. We're confident of getting our man." </p> <p>The source continued "Prior to oil being discovered, we privately would have settled for some beef, the commercial rights to Evita and a dozen Tango lessons. But the discovery of natural resources has upped the 'beef stakes' no pun intended."</p> <p>If a deal can be reached, it would allow Messi to potentially be included in the England squad for Euro 2012. Messi, whose hidden talents include a typing speed of 34 words per minute and knowing both sexual positons (in and out), currently stars at 'football' for both Barcelona Rovers and Argentina.</p> <p>It's thought a delegation from the UK, including Gerry Adams MP, Jespar Carrott and a red telephone box, will tunnel its way to Buenos Aires on Thursday to continue negotiations. </p> <p>There was no comment from the Argentine Government as it's expensive to call Argentina from our offices and after several attempts, none of us could get past the gatekeeper. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40969#post-116585 Mon, 02 Apr 2012 11:10:00 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 116585@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Enjoyed the end has given me an idea, don't you just love plagarism! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40969#post-116582 Mon, 02 Apr 2012 10:43:00 +0000 medici2471 116582@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Prime Minister David Cameron took time out from his Easter holiday today to mark the 30th anniversary of the start of the Falklands War.</p> <p> "Today is a day for commemoration and reflection: a day to remember all those who lost their lives in the conflict,the members of our armed forces."</p> <p>In a pre- recorded interview, Jeremy Paxman asked a bemused Prime Minister to name one of the heroic casualties.</p> <p>“Come on Prime Minister, you ask us to remember the fallen but you can’t even remember the name of a single one of them?”</p> <p>“Well, erm, there was that corporal, corporal Jones, was that the name? Terrible burns to the face when he was aboard the Belgrano I believe. But he survived, I saw him the other day, hasn’t changed a bit” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40900#post-116330 Sat, 31 Mar 2012 20:10:25 +0000 HenroPlod 116330@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The UK government has changed its advice for Argentina to, “top up your tanks”, after a panic invasion of the Falkland Islands.</p> <p>On Thursday, Prime Minister David Cameron advised “extra-regional powers to make sensible preparations” in case of industrial action by RAF and Royal Navy personnel, which would leave the disputed Falkland Islands defenceless. The advice led to long queues of Argentine Special Forces mounting amphibious landings on Stanley.</p> <p>The threat of military industrial action came amid rising tensions between the UK and Buenos Aires. The Unite union has since ruled out a strike by its RAF and Royal Navy servicemen over Easter. </p> <p>Several Labour MPs have called for Foreign Secretary William Hague to resign for earlier advising Argentina to “top up your tanks”. Under fire for sending out ’mixed messages’, Hague has hit back at Argentine Commandos for "invading when they didn’t really need to, but just because they saw the queues and panicked”.</p> <p>A peaceful surrender was negotiated this morning at Government House in Port Stanley. Meanwhile, 200 firemen and tanker-drivers are being trained up for military duties in case of any future strike action by the Armed Forces. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39732#post-112814 Sun, 11 Mar 2012 21:08:16 +0000 Username 112814@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice yarn! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39732#post-112733 Sat, 10 Mar 2012 15:39:50 +0000 tomholder 112733@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>US Cartographers at the Department of Defence claim to have finally worked out where the Falklands is. Going one step further they have now submitted their own sovereignty claim to the UN.</p> <p>"We always figured it was one of the islands next to Great Britain", said Secretary of Defence, Leon Panetta. "So consider our embarrassment when we discovered it near Argentina.</p> <p>"It turns out the USS Lexington blew the Falklands all to hell in 1831, which is a much better story than the British and Argentinean claim to the islands", explained a prominent US historian, "Furthermore, they all speak English so we must have colonised it at some point too". </p> <p>David Cameron has already been under fire from Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, President of Argentina, and Amerian actor Sean Penn, for his colonial attitude to world politics. The UK still retains a vice-like grip over several budding economic powers including Gibraltar, Bermuda and the Pitcairn Islands.</p> <p>Slight reprieve came when British actors, Sean Bean and Sean Pegg, both stood by the British government's decision not to negotiate over the status of the Falklands. William Hague assured the public that "Two Sean's are better than one. Hopefully this should put an end to all the haters out there". However, a Hollywood spokesman has branded Sean Bean a "traitor" for his stand against the US claim over the islands,saying that "I hope he dies in all his films". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39614#post-112475 Thu, 08 Mar 2012 14:30:33 +0000 Boutros 112475@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Whoops, forgot the obligatory Apple pun. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39614#post-112407 Thu, 08 Mar 2012 00:09:35 +0000 Boutros 112407@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It was a dream come true for the lank-haired Physics boffin and football fan - the chance to meet the players in the Barcelona dressing room before kick-off. But what should have been a friendly chat between Professor Brian Cox and Argentine striker Messi turned into a heated argument over the Falklands. </p> <p>No-one quite knows what happened next, but it was Cox who donned the number 10 shirt and headed down the tunnel.</p> <p>Cox: "I played out of my skin. I knew I had to, because I was wearing Messi's shirt, and he's the number one player in the world. But I was playing for Britain, not for Barcelona. I was playing for freedom and the people of the Falklands and all that is noble and great in the Universe, and on this wonderous, tiny, insignificant dot that we inhabit. So I gave it a right old go."</p> <p>But no-one was more surprised by Cox's 5-goal tally than Cox himself. "Messi said he would get three when he went out there so I said I could get four. He said if I did he'd write to the President about the Malvinas. I'm looking forward to reading the letter now I got five."</p> <p>"Thankfully we look pretty similar so no-one picked up on it during the game. Some people are still doubting it was me." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38662#post-109452 Tue, 14 Feb 2012 12:08:38 +0000 Gary Stanton 109452@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Argentina's transport workers' union says it will extend its recent naval boycott to Duran Duran’s private yacht as used in the iconic video for the band’s 1983 hit single Rio. </p> <p>The union - which includes New Romantic dock workers and post-punk engineers - said the measure would apply to all UK vessels used in pop videos, regardless of their final chart position. The announcement is the latest in a series of tit-for-tat measures aimed at pressing Argentina's claim to sovereignty over the islands, which it mistakenly refers to as the Malvinas. The move is likely to play havoc with the band’s bid to sail around the world using only 1980s technology such as a compass, sextant and a tattered copy of the Norton Sea Atlas owned by midshipman John Taylor.</p> <p>"We have resolved to boycott any ship with the British flag, or with the lying and invented flag of the Falklands, or with any flag of convenience which the British pirates use," the Argentine Confederation of Transport Workers said in a statement. But band leader Simon Le Bon hit back claiming pirate costumes for New Romantics was so 1980 and that if Argentina had bothered to watch the video they would realise the band’s preferred seafaring attire is loose-fitting brightly coloured suits with massive shoulder pads. </p> <p>Argentine President, Cristina de Kirchner, meanwhile mocked the group’s attempt to circumnavigate the globe, insisting their entire sailing experience to-date consisted of a pleasant afternoon’s video-shoot off the coast of Bournemouth. In a strongly-worded statement, Kirchner slammed their vessel ‘The Reflex’ as unseaworthy and that it would be unable to cope with Captain Le Bon’s recent weight gain. She added, ‘The English pretty boys stand no chance. I mean, if you have GPS at your disposal then why-aye-aye-aye-aye don’t you use it ? ‘ </p> <p>Last night Kirchner ratcheted up the tension in the region, warning that any breach of Argentina’s airspace by the futurist Gary Numan in his bi-plane would be considered an act of war and could result in his aircraft being shot down. This morning Numan responded via voice-synthesiser, claiming ‘They’ve accused me of sabre-rattling but I think you’ll find that was Spandau Ballet. My look was a lot more minimalist. ’</p> <p>A Downing Street spokesman said of the growing tensions, ‘We take these warnings very seriously. If Gary, or indeed any other Numanoid, is planning to visit Buenos Aires any time soon we’d advise them to travel by car. There, at least, they can feel safest of all. ’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38373#post-108660 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 17:29:37 +0000 dvo4fun 108660@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>wayland - as a direct result of reading this sub I've discovered I have a slight 'wheeze' when exhaling completely. </p> <p>If I find I have cancer o' lungs I shall bill you rather than Imperial Tobacco. </p>