http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=election-2010 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 01:15:00 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12554 Thu, 13 May 2010 21:44:09 +0000 Skylarking 12554@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I refer the right hon gentleman/lady to the previous 16 remarks... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12547 Thu, 13 May 2010 21:22:11 +0000 The All New Jeni B 12547@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>GC, another stonker old chum!</p> <p>I was chortling along as my Butler read it out to me, what?<br /> Jolly good stuff.<br /> Keep it up old chap.</p> <p>Toodle pip!</p> <p>Oh, and have five of those gold thingummies. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12545 Thu, 13 May 2010 21:07:07 +0000 Doctor Moptop 12545@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Genghis - I keep coming back to this and chortling. I read it out to a very depressed friend (depressed for political reasons) and even he couldn't help smiling.</p> <p>More please! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12387 Thu, 13 May 2010 10:55:44 +0000 Genghis Cohen 12387@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks all. Very kind.</p> <p>o b sensible - you are right, but of course Cameron campaigned on a platform of change. Plus he's a colossal twat.</p> <p>And Moptop. Leave some change in the royalties tin, won't you? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12364 Thu, 13 May 2010 08:57:49 +0000 Doctor Moptop 12364@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Top hole, what!</p> <p>Ok if I send this to various chums around the country? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12349 Thu, 13 May 2010 08:19:04 +0000 o b sensible 12349@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>ok Major Wilson Callaghan not posh but Douglas Home Eden Churchill and the rest very posh so I still don't see it but don't mind me </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12339 Thu, 13 May 2010 08:03:56 +0000 Oxbridge 12339@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>On second thoughts, 9.5 was stingy. This is political satire of the highest order and - if it makes FP, which it surely must - would be the best of the year so far. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12285 Wed, 12 May 2010 20:45:58 +0000 fun and games 12285@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>o b sensible - which site was it you were looking for? I think you may have taken a left turn one too early. Keep 'em coming Gengo. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12260 Wed, 12 May 2010 17:32:51 +0000 mpaterson 12260@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'I was the first person in my family to go to university by private jet. To be honest, the whole thing hasn’t really sunk in yet – I have to keep asking my valet to pinch me.'</p> <p>Great. :D </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12232 Wed, 12 May 2010 14:53:32 +0000 TehEbilTony 12232@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I lol'd. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12208 Wed, 12 May 2010 12:56:53 +0000 MrChigleysAunt 12208@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>stablehands and their masters will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood, but with different menus. </blockquote> Excellent! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12189 Wed, 12 May 2010 11:29:38 +0000 Dickens or Shakespeare 12189@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wilson was a grubby bugger at times. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12188 Wed, 12 May 2010 11:26:55 +0000 o b sensible 12188@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>don't quite get this, they have nearly all been white upper class males including Blair but not Thatcher </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12177 Wed, 12 May 2010 10:42:34 +0000 Griffin 12177@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What else can I add to the comments above? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12168 Wed, 12 May 2010 10:17:51 +0000 Scroat 12168@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Absolutely ace. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12165 Wed, 12 May 2010 10:07:07 +0000 Oxbridge 12165@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bwahahahahahahaha - even if I did get there a fraction of a second earlier. 9.5. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12164 Wed, 12 May 2010 10:05:51 +0000 MightyBlair 12164@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely angle, well executed. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4353#post-12150 Wed, 12 May 2010 09:27:42 +0000 Genghis Cohen 12150@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Only a year after the inauguration of the first black President of the United States, change swept through Britain last night as history was made and a white upper-class man ascended to the highest political office in the land.</p> <p>‘It’s a real fags to riches story,’ said humbled new Prime Minister, David Cameron. ‘When I was growing up on an estate in Berkshire, I never dreamed that someone like me could become anything more than a high court judge or chief executive of an investment bank. I was the first person in my family to go to university by private jet. To be honest, the whole thing hasn’t really sunk in yet – I have to keep asking my valet to pinch me.’</p> <p>Equalities campaigners say that Cameron’s success is all the more striking for the obstacles still faced by white upper-class boys – or the ‘Great Ignored’. Health reforms have done nothing to reduce infant mortality rates among the rich, with many newborn heirs and heiresses continuing to suffer complications from being born with silver spoons in their mouths. And even in the 21st century, segregation still persists in some areas of the South, with state schools often adopting a policy of ‘No paedos, poofs or toffs’, excluding young aristocrats on at least one count and forcing them to fund their own educations.</p> <p>‘I’m so grateful for the sacrifices others have made for me,’ said David Cameron, ‘like Lord Ashcroft foregoing that fourth yacht to fund our campaign. But it is not right in this day and age that someone like me should be reliant on handouts to shatter the glass ceiling which for so long has stopped well-off male Caucasians reaching down and wielding real power over those beneath us. And that is why this Government will be committed to raising the affluent out of the mire of prosperity and helping them onto the road to full-blown, eye-popping wealth.’</p> <p>‘I have a dream,’ continued Cameron, turning to the crowds gathered outside No.10. ‘A dream that one day my children will live in a nation where they will not be judged by the content of their character, but by the colour of their money. A dream that one day on the green hills of Oxfordshire, stablehands and their masters will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood, but with different menus. And until the chance to lead your nation becomes a birthright for all citizens of wealth, I shall continue to rail against prejudice and injustice and dream of a better nation, one where nothing stands between the Eustaces and Tarquins of tomorrow and them taking their rightful place at the country’s head table.’</p> <p>‘He should be careful,’ said a black veteran of the civil rights movement. ‘That kinda talk is liable to get him assassinated.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4038#post-11646 Sun, 09 May 2010 18:43:20 +0000 rosewing 11646@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <br /> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4038#post-11557 Sat, 08 May 2010 22:59:50 +0000 Quaz 11557@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks all, glad to have tickled a few fancies. I think this post may have tapped a vein that the parties failed to find while they were spin doctoring their focus groups. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4038#post-11514 Sat, 08 May 2010 16:08:08 +0000 fun and games 11514@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A work of genius. Another one worthy of the FP. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4038#post-11456 Sat, 08 May 2010 08:43:22 +0000 Ostsee 11456@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, please let this be true.Please, please, please. even pretty please. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4038#post-11444 Sat, 08 May 2010 06:49:15 +0000 Duff 11444@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent. Might even be true Gawd 'elp us. Loved the "ladder" gag. Stars comin atcha! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4038#post-11439 Sat, 08 May 2010 05:40:10 +0000 sauce 11439@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Let's have the Docs stick considerably more than two fingers up the bean counters.<br /> (Up TO? Nah)<br /> Have a proportionally re-adjusted vote. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4038#post-11438 Sat, 08 May 2010 05:35:37 +0000 edward hack 11438@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Superb post-election sub. Could this possibly become truebiscuit? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4038#post-11431 Fri, 07 May 2010 23:46:33 +0000 Quaz 11431@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As the leaders of the UK's three main parties head into a second day of political horse trading and bickering in an attempt to form a viable Government, the UK electorate have shown themselves to be "Very satisfied" with having no effective government.</p> <p>"It's really going very well, a great change for the better" said works manager Dave Gubbins. "We haven't had a pointless but expensive government directive or law for weeks now. Productivity is up since we have been able to get down to making things instead of holding training courses on how to use a ladder."</p> <p>Schools and other educational establishments are also reporting increases in time spent teaching pupils. "The goalposts haven't moved for weeks now" said head teacher John Mayes. "If this deadlock can carry on then we will be able to have all pupils reading Dostoevsky's 'Crime and Punishment' by year 4."</p> <p>In the NHS, Surgeon William Hudson has reported that "We have been able to stick two fingers up to the bean counters and middle management, since most of them won’t be there this time next year. Instead of spending our time in meetings addressing stakeholder buy in and the customer experience, we have been doing operations and making people better. I expect to clear my list in the next couple of months. It's a revolutionary approach. I'd never have believed it could work if I hadn't seen it for myself but I'm finally doing what I trained all these years for".</p> <p>Senior politicians are said to be 'uneasy' with this new mood in the country. "Who knows where this could lead?" said one high ranking politician. "If this stalemate continues for much longer then people may begin to believe that they can run their own lives!" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3926#post-11149 Thu, 06 May 2010 13:44:10 +0000 Ostsee 11149@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very, very good. Take Five. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3926#post-11148 Thu, 06 May 2010 13:40:11 +0000 Genghis Cohen 11148@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>With apologies to Rizzo. I promise that I thought of this idea a few days back (honest!), but Rizzo beat me to the draw. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3926#post-11147 Thu, 06 May 2010 13:38:36 +0000 Genghis Cohen 11147@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The leaders of the three main parties are today making themselves comfortable in No.10 Downing Street after no single party raised enough to pay the deposit in full. ‘It’s not quite the big society I had in mind,’ said David Cameron of the house-share, ‘but it’s only a temporary arrangement until the other two get a place of their own. Anyway, after a long campaign it’ll be fun to finally get the chance to bicker in the bath with Nick.’</p> <p>Reports say that Brown has taken the ground floor, Cameron the top floor, with Clegg somewhere between the two. All key decisions in the house will be debated by the leaders, with each delivering a set-piece speech to the audience of wives and children, none of whom are allowed to applaud. Decisions will then be taken by a popular vote, with the 5-person Clegg family suddenly very supportive of the first-past-the-post system.</p> <p>‘What we can’t afford to do is take money out of the kitty now when we need it most,’ said Brown in an impassioned exchange about the No.10 housekeeping. But Cameron hit back, claiming that ‘What Gordon wants to do is continue wasting our money when we could be making efficiency savings now’, while Nick Clegg insisted that the household had a once-in-a-week opportunity to change ‘how the shopping gets done around here’.</p> <p>By late afternoon, however, there were signs the house-share arrangement was already beginning to break down. Cameron’s latest video diary shows him rolling up his sleeves in the No.10 kitchen and getting on with the job of washing the dishes, but is marred by Brown and Clegg prancing about in the background and making wanker gestures. Meanwhile the other two leaders are annoyed that each time they persuade Brown to pop round to the palace and tender his resignation, he’s brought back five minutes later by his friend Mandy claiming that the Queen was out.</p> <p>But despite trying to get on with everyone, it is the presence of Nick Clegg that has caused the most problems. ‘Like many others, I hadn’t really heard of him when the campaign began, and although I initially thought he was an attractive proposition, the appeal has begun to fade,’ said his wife Miriam today.</p> <p>‘I agree,’ said Brown. ‘Neither David or I support Nick’s amnesty which would allow him to claim the position of Prime Minister if he stays here for 10 years, and we’ve both gone right off him since he upped the number of women he’s slept with to 32.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3651#post-10656 Tue, 04 May 2010 10:14:25 +0000 Oxbridge 10656@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not content with WoM for April...another corker sir! </p>