http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=election The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 07:48:57 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57622#post-167139 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 11:11:24 +0000 Tripod 167139@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Blimey... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57622#post-167137 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 11:06:56 +0000 Flash! Aa-aaaa! 167137@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An unholy row has erupted at the Vatican over the placement of the temporary chimney used in the election of a new Pope. At a press conference Cardinal Ignatius Firestarta said "It appears that a mistake was made by the builders and a Retired Nun awoke yesterday to find workmen in her room and a big hole in the roof. Despite her protestations they installed a wood-burning stove on her bed and left claiming they were only following orders and there was nothing more they could do".</p> <p>The builders - Donatella Anyoneapayyacash and Michelangelo Itsamyboata told our reporter that they had been given plans and told to use a laser measure to get an exact distance from one end of the building while out on the roof and make a hole through it. They claim they did exactly that and are puzzled by the error. "We getta the most laser measurer we know - olda Bertola - he very laser" said Mr Anyoneapayyacash "and he maybe get it wrong I dunno".</p> <p>Due to complicated tradition and rules the chimney can't be moved so the Retired Nun - a ms Sophia Berlusconi (72) will have to live with it. "I ama incensed" she said "Or ata least I would be if the draught didn't keep putting it out. They wanna me make tea and cakes for alla de priests crowding ina here ana stoka de fire too - also put onna white blanket ora oily rags at end fora de coloured smoke. I would resign except ia retired so issa nogood". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147285 Mon, 05 Nov 2012 11:13:43 +0000 AReader 147285@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Spelling Checker:</p> <p><blockquote> in favour of <strong>legslising</strong> gay marriage</blockquote></p> <p><blockquote>faltering support during <strong>thd dowturn</strong></blockquote> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147275 Mon, 05 Nov 2012 09:50:13 +0000 Username 147275@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Looks good on FP, and made Mrs Name wheeze with laughter... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147257 Mon, 05 Nov 2012 07:44:09 +0000 charlies_hat 147257@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep. Wot they said. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147254 Mon, 05 Nov 2012 07:27:42 +0000 Squudge 147254@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>a worthy FP<br /> ..love the pic with the 'yes you can/no you can't'<br /> - fabulous </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147099 Sat, 03 Nov 2012 21:39:45 +0000 Username 147099@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice. Very nice.</p> <p>Might put "whether or not thinking about two men doing it to each other makes them go all funny inside." in the first para, and "the crucial question or whether or not the right of people with the same number of penises or vaginas as each other to make their relationship official is any of their fucking business. " in a later one. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147068 Sat, 03 Nov 2012 16:35:58 +0000 Danny 147068@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love the comment "None of his three ex-wives could be reached for comment." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147013 Sat, 03 Nov 2012 11:00:05 +0000 Dick Everyman 147013@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent research, although I believe Jesus is more likely turn up in Slough or Scunthorpe. Stars of Bethlehem for you.... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-146960 Fri, 02 Nov 2012 21:50:47 +0000 Ironduke 146960@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>great work, just hoping that Pinxit can resist the temptation </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-146935 Fri, 02 Nov 2012 16:40:22 +0000 Oxbridge 146935@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As the US presidential election campaign enters its last days, pollsters say the result is still on a knife-edge. Whilst flag worship remains an issue for some, the electorate is split almost evenly over the crucial question or whether or not the right of people with the same number of penises or vaginas as each other to make their relationship official is any of their fucking business. </p> <p>'President Obama's decision to come out in favour of legslising gay marriage was a pivotal moment,' said political analyst Frank Luntz. 'This appears to have solidified his lead among the 60% of Americans who aren't mad. However, it has probably further alienated more of the 40% who believe that tax-funded healthcare is worse than slavery and that Elvis visited them on a UFO last week.'</p> <p>In view of the record federal deficit, high unemployment and with many of America's 300 million people barely getting by from one month to the next, both sides say that the economy is the key issue. However, there has been a tacit agreement to decide the leadership of the world's most powerful country based on whether or not thinking about two men doing it to each other makes them go all funny inside.</p> <p>Republicans have condemned Obama's move as a cynical stunt to shore up faltering support during thd dowturn, since the legalisation of same sex marriage is a state rather than a federal issue. Former Republcan candidate Newt Gingrich commented that conservatives like him regard marriage as the unbreakable union of one man and one woman. None of his three ex-wives could be reached for comment.</p> <p>'Same sex marriage is unacceptable to Christian Americans, the idea is crazy,' added Mormon Republican candidate Mitt Romney, who believes in a sacred book compiled on golden plates by ancient prophets who lived in America from 2200 BC to 421 AD, then handed to a confidence trickster called Joseph Smith in 1827 and which not only says that Jesus is going to return to Earth in Missouri but also justified Romney's great-grandfather having four wives at the same time. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50079#post-144430 Thu, 18 Oct 2012 22:26:01 +0000 Tired and Emotional 144430@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>US Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan shocked supporters today by announcing that he was thinking the unthinkable and considering the issuing of a factual statement. "I know that this will be of concern to my base but drastic times call for drastic measures". Said Ryan. "As I said to my good friend Ronald Reagan only yesterday as we completed a 12 hour shift in Santa's workshop, the American people deserve the whole truth. And as the man that rescued the Lindbergh baby and relieved Mafeking they know they can trust me". Mr Ryan's agent, Charles Ponzi was unavailable for comment. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48504#post-139701 Sun, 23 Sep 2012 14:13:24 +0000 gelefu 139701@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdUlWPrwg_M" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdUlWPrwg_M</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47569#post-137454 Mon, 10 Sep 2012 06:36:53 +0000 Squudge 137454@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>timing is everything - should have subbed this today, with a nice pic of a wheelchair rugby competitor turned turtle - with Nick Clegg's sad face.</p> <p>Red got one of those? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47569#post-136562 Fri, 31 Aug 2012 21:01:30 +0000 Squudge 136562@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>couldn't quite stretch this to dub participants 'Pareletic'</p> <p>...I'll get my coat </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47569#post-136558 Fri, 31 Aug 2012 20:54:28 +0000 deskpilot3 136558@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lib Dems demand handicapping system for next election. (Main handicap is that broken promise on student fees.....) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47569#post-136525 Fri, 31 Aug 2012 16:23:53 +0000 Squudge 136525@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In the wake of the inspirational Paralympics, Nick Clegg has called for a 'Parelection' following the next General Election, to provide a level playing field for politicians of all abilities.</p> <p>"It isn't fair that the same big parties win everything", Clegg said, with a sad face.</p> <p>Vince cable has begun training in anticipation, and is already tipped to win gold in the 'toe-curling dance' event. Nigel Farage however, is expecting stiff competition in his favoured event, the tosspot dressage.</p> <p>Dame Tanni-Grey Thompson is currently unavailable for comment, after reportedly rejecting Clegg's offer to be a 'champion' for the Parelection. A spokesman from LOCOG is quoted as telling Clegg that "no Paralympic athlete will ever be as lame as any of your lot".</p> <p>The BBC have already vowed to ban broadcast of the defiant anthem 'Drasticus Economicus' (penned by Gordon Brown and George Osborne, disadvantaged politicians from mainstream parties), as being 'too close to the bone'.</p> <p>The proposed Parelection logo has already caused some unease for "looking a bit too much like Bart and Lisa Simpson bribing one another". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47270#post-135781 Fri, 24 Aug 2012 23:37:42 +0000 antharrison 135781@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Truer than you wrote </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47270#post-135769 Fri, 24 Aug 2012 21:52:18 +0000 Only Me 135769@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a very frank interview, Mitt Romney has professed to being baffled by the art of politics.</p> <p>“It wasn’t like this in Massachusetts, I can tell you” explained the presidential candidate. “I just said and did whatever would get me elected.“</p> <p>Mr Romney professed to being confused. “I thought that I was about to be nominated by the Republicans but I think I must be wrong. Representative Akin for example just did his very best to prevent me being elected and he says he’s a Republican. So perhaps I’m running on the Democratic ticket. It’s very confusing. It didn’t seem to matter before.”</p> <p>After a brief pause for a Mormon cult ritual, Mr Romney continued, “That nice Mr Obama keeps attacking all these lunatics that keep slipping right-wing rants into my speeches. So perhaps he’d like to be my Vice President. Vice Presidents don’t need birth-certificates... uhoh... see, there’s another entirely inappropriate line that some bastard just slipped into my interview notes.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43074#post-123225 Sat, 19 May 2012 08:32:09 +0000 Oxbridge 123225@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Edits welcome, I'm always up for collaboration. Oo-er. Herve Leger in particular looks like the kind of comedy genius I'd like to work with. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43074#post-123177 Fri, 18 May 2012 18:44:00 +0000 Skylarking 123177@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Needs to use the word 'bum' a whole lot more. But then again - what story doesn't? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43074#post-123175 Fri, 18 May 2012 18:19:21 +0000 Ironduke 123175@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Send for Santorum... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43074#post-123174 Fri, 18 May 2012 18:15:39 +0000 JohnA 123174@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The population of the US passed 300 million some time ago. And the idea is great but the execution is average. Needs more acid. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43074#post-123128 Fri, 18 May 2012 11:37:51 +0000 The Paper Ostrich 123128@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'm not entirely clear where you stand on these issues, Oxbridge. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43074#post-123099 Fri, 18 May 2012 08:58:37 +0000 Oxbridge 123099@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The result of November's US presidential election is still on a knife-edge. Pollsters say that the nation is split right down the middle between those who think that the right of people with the same number of penises or vaginas as each other to make their relationship official is any of their fucking business and those who realise that it isn't. </p> <p>In view of the record federal deficit, historic highs in unemployment and most of the country's 250 million people being worried about getting by from one month to the next, both sides say that the economy is the key issue. However, there has been a tacit agreement to decide the leadership of the world's most powerful country based on whether or not thinking about two men doing it to each other makes them go all funny inside.</p> <p>'President Obama's recent decision to come out in favour of making gay marriage legal was a pivotal moment,' said pollster Frank Luntz. 'This appears to have solidified his strong lead among the 50% of Americans who aren't mad. However, it has probably further alienated yet more of the 50% who believe that tax-funded healthcare is a form of slavery and that Elvis visited them on a UFO last week.'</p> <p>Republicans have been quick to condemn Obama's move as a stunt to shore up faltering support in times of hardship, since the legalisation of same sex marriage is a state rather than federal issue. Former candidate Newt Gingrich said that conservatives like him regard marriage as the unbreakable union of one man and one woman. None of his three ex-wives could be reached for comment.</p> <p>'Same sex marriage is unacceptable to Americans, the whole idea is insane,' added the Republican candidate-elect Mitt Romney, who, as a Mormon, believes in a sacred book compiled on golden plates by ancient prophets who lived in America from 2200 BC to 421 AD, then handed to a confidence trickster called Joseph Smith in 1827 and which not only says that Jesus is going to return to Earth in Missouri but also justified Romney's great-grandfather having four wives at the same time, for fuck's sake. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39263#post-111460 Tue, 28 Feb 2012 21:30:08 +0000 Boutros 111460@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>London voters will be able to compare mayoral candidates across a range of performance indicators including annoying voice, silly hair, money-wasting schemes and hot air generation (in MegaJoules or the earlier Imperial measure, TossFactor) soon when help for floating voters becomes available from Confused.com</p> <p>A dual-vote discount will be offered for families with more than one voter, and voters who enter their previous votes will be able to see at a glance how their consumption of mindnumbing balderdash has varied over time.</p> <p>A spokesperson from Confused.com explained, "Out of 312 respondents, 70.6% of voters could save up to 19.2%, and probably win an iPad2, somehow". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34230#post-96760 Fri, 18 Nov 2011 20:34:50 +0000 mpaterson 96760@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ken Livingstone has admitted that he didn't vote for Matt Cardle last year, claiming to have "never heard of him". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26355#post-71963 Sun, 12 Jun 2011 23:26:04 +0000 samnzed 71963@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep will redo -cheers Golgo for that style note </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26355#post-71911 Sun, 12 Jun 2011 17:55:10 +0000 pthr 71911@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I loved the third para. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26355#post-71869 Sun, 12 Jun 2011 07:57:40 +0000 Golgo13 71869@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff but NewsBiscuit never refers to itself.</p> <p>It just doesn't. </p>