http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=economy The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 23 May 2013 04:01:18 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60452#post-175541 Fri, 26 Apr 2013 09:12:53 +0000 monkeyrepublic 175541@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The UK economy avoided a 'triple dip' recession thanks in large part to a secret spending spree by the Osborne family, it is alleged.</p> <p>Labour claim that Osborne himself led his three brothers and mother, Felicity Alexandra Loxton-Peacock, on a 'jolly' through London in a last-ditch bid to bolster figures, pointing to extraordinary performance by the Fortnum and Mason group and Mulberry.</p> <p>Osborne himself - his mouth full of brioche and foie gras - declined to comment, but mother, Felicity Alexandra Loxton-Peacock, said: "Oh, stop! Do you know, I really can't remember! Oh, gosh, no! This jacket isn't new! No, no! Nor the Range Rover, no... Or is it? Do you know, I really can't recall! Must dash!" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60252#post-175000 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 18:25:13 +0000 Al OPecia 175000@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>And as for those bastard "invasive species" coming over here from Europe, because of a changing bio-climatic envelope, taking all our ecological niches, living on our soil organic matter, send 'em all back I say! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60252#post-174939 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 14:33:28 +0000 monkeyrepublic 174939@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for the stars, Not Amused.</p> <p>I don't think this would lose traditional Tory voters, Titus. After all, any legislation would differentiate between workless vegetation and that in middle-class gardens or employed on shooting estates. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60252#post-174924 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 13:34:35 +0000 Not Amused 174924@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>And breathe out ... oh no, that makes it worse ! </p> <p>I like this and think it deserves some 'Stars' another thing that hasn't been reviewed or changed for a long time. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60252#post-174916 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 13:16:34 +0000 Titus 174916@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I don't think this will get much backing from the leafy suburbs where most of the Tory support comes from. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60252#post-174914 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 13:03:10 +0000 AReader 174914@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An atmosphere comprising more carbon dioxide would only help the photosynthesizing bastards to procreate faster, higher and deeper. Something must be done! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60252#post-174911 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 12:55:24 +0000 monkeyrepublic 174911@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Government Ministers today put the case for environmental reform, saying that nature is ‘outdated’ and is sponging off the hard-working taxpayer.</p> <p>Addressing a small audience of stunned ecologists, David Cameron announced an inquiry into the environment. He said: “It has been 10,000 years since the last review of the natural world and it is high time for reform. The taxpayer deserves a new and better deal.</p> <p>“Some plants – ‘trees’ – live up to 800 years and that without working a single day or contributing a single penny in tax for their whole lives. And they can have any number of dependents – whole ecosystems of skiving, idle bio-mass – and it will not do.</p> <p>“We will await the findings of the inquiry, but clearly a warmer, less leafy environment offers considerable benefits to the retail sector, and an atmosphere comprising considerably more carbon dioxide would benefit manufacturing and other industries.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59945#post-174252 Fri, 19 Apr 2013 13:15:18 +0000 monkeyrepublic 174252@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Apologies to anyone I've offended by not making cheap gags at the expense of minority groups. And to Michael Buble.</p> <p>Yeah, the junior minister was the one who released an album a while ago. But I can't imagine many would remember his name. I was attempting to humorously belittle this achievement. But it's too obscure. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59945#post-174236 Fri, 19 Apr 2013 11:05:36 +0000 Lucy4 174236@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Now you've added to it I've of course heard of Cable. I don't make a habit of remembering junior transport minister's names and I don't think Michael Bubble will like you spelling his name wrong. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59945#post-174174 Fri, 19 Apr 2013 07:24:49 +0000 Yikes 174174@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I don't find this insulting to gays at all. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59945#post-174092 Thu, 18 Apr 2013 16:02:57 +0000 monkeyrepublic 174092@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's this one, Bourbon. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59945#post-174048 Thu, 18 Apr 2013 12:46:45 +0000 monkeyrepublic 174048@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oh, Lucy4, you're so uncool (I googled the latest singles chart - Justin Timberlake was the only name I recognised. I've a feeling I should be grateful that I've never heard Duke Dumont. And we can all only wish we'd never heard of Osborne). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59945#post-174046 Thu, 18 Apr 2013 12:16:00 +0000 Lucy4 174046@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well, I've heard of George Osborne, unfortunately. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59945#post-174044 Thu, 18 Apr 2013 11:50:32 +0000 monkeyrepublic 174044@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Chancellor George Osborne has blamed the UK's top boy band, One Direction, for disappointing retail figures for the last quarter. He said: "If the economy is to pick up, we need our wealth creators, such as Niall, Zayn, Liam, Harry and Louis, to release new singles to stimulate consumer spending.</p> <p>"I've done my bit," he added, brandishing a 7" vinyl of Duke Dumont's 'Need U (100%)'.</p> <p>Draft lyrics for an Osborne–Shapps-penned song, with the working title of 'Highstreet', are to be put before Parliament prior to the release of the first-quarter growth figures for 2013 next week. A leaked copy reads:</p> <p>Briddain’s got down<br /> Down, down, down<br /> It’s wearing a frown<br /> Frown, frown, frown<br /> We gotta make it bedder, we gotta make it sweet<br /> Purchase our new single, geddit on the highstreet</p> <p>Osborne’s office has so far refused to address speculation as to whether the studio production will be performed by Ministers or put out to tender to the highest bidding boy band.</p> <p>Business Secretary Vince Cable has backed the move, saying: “This’ll put the wind up those little turds. £5 million, eh? That’s nothing! Nothing! Me and the cabinet boyz is loaded and we’z making to knock you off your pedestal, bee-ach!” Though he later claimed that his comments were taken out of context.</p> <p>This wouldn't be the first musical outing for the current government, after Junior Transport Minister Norman Baker attended a Michael Buble concert. Baker has, however, distanced himself from the project. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45865#post-131897 Tue, 24 Jul 2012 19:36:10 +0000 kga6 131897@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Took a couple of reads. This one almost has more paragraphs than sentences. But you make an interesting point. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45865#post-131893 Tue, 24 Jul 2012 19:14:44 +0000 scottishbird 131893@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>George Osborne tried to further excuse immoral and greedy behaviour within the upper classes and big business by suggesting individuals are keeping huge amounts in offshore accounts due to being “sensitive, light sleepers”, making the traditional low risk mattress investment model impossible.</p> <p>Claims that many bankers and city types already have difficulty sleeping due to being the target of the nation’s collective hate, levels of which haven’t been witnessed since the Myra Hindley trial in 1966, have triggered fears amongst the shadow cabinet that exemptions in the crack down on tax avoidance will be allowed on medical grounds. </p> <p>Ed Balls said yesterday “The Tories want you to think that your local plumber doing a ‘homer’ or giving cash discounts is the UK’s hidden economy, but truth is that tradesmen sleep too deeply due to actually doing a hard days work to notice all the billions tucked under their collective mattresses.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45142#post-129185 Mon, 09 Jul 2012 14:37:29 +0000 beau-jolly 129185@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Jared, are you American perchance? I think the "Moscow, Russia" may be a give away. There may be lots of Moscows there, but here in Europe we tend to immediately think of the one in Russia.<br /> Second everything the wize wayland says and I would add that <blockquote>tea-swilling eyes</blockquote> did it for me right away. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45142#post-129184 Mon, 09 Jul 2012 14:11:10 +0000 waylandsmithy 129184@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is a bit all over the place and unfocused. I have no idea what the point is you're trying to make, and the whole acronym thing is a bit wearing and tired.</p> <p>Maybe refocus it, and chop out some of the tangential stuff? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45142#post-129183 Mon, 09 Jul 2012 13:39:00 +0000 Jared 129183@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Citizens of London can turn their tea-swilling eyes to the sky this summer, and behold the great and mighty, obnoxiously bright, the imaginatively named, the overtly pointless "Shard". Soaring at over 1000ft, this badboy is a testament to the fact that we in the US are not the only ones who know how to build things far, far too large.</p> <p>Designed by architect Renzo Piano, this magnum opus now stands as the tallest building in Europe, greedily snatching the title from the "City of Capitals",in Moscow, Russia,which, in retrospect, probably wasn't good idea.</p> <p>"It is rather extraordinary what we've done," Mr.Piano, obviously drunk, lamented in a press release this morning,"We've done everything exactly the same, and MADE IT BIGGER,"At this point, Renzo slammed his hand resoundingly on the wooden podium, and briefly loses his balance,"This masterpiece is like the iPad of buildings!" Mr.Piano then staggered off stage confidently, only to puke on a particularly misfortune ginger- haired reporter seconds later.</p> <p>However, not everyone is celebrating this testament to human over-compensation. The COLLL(IN)(Citizens of Low Lying London (In Negative) have been picketing the building even before it's completion, crying out racial slurs and sexual taunts at the building's foundations.</p> <p>"It's just a monstrosity," Rita Southworth, spokesperson for the COLL(IN) group, told me monday as a local coffee shop, just adjacent to the new tower. " WE had this nice city, with all the nice towers, and it was quite, and just really, really nice...and then they go erect this NOT NICE building in my NICE town, with it's NICE towers," At this point, Rita begin to froth at the mouth,"This building stands against everything we at COLL(IN) stand for,"</p> <p>When I asked her what that was, exactly, she dumped coffee on my face, and stormed off.</p> <p>The PANOS(People's Engineers North of Switzerland) have, in retaliation, begin to contruct their own skyscraper in an undisclosed location(Frankfurt,Germany). Though they could not be reached for comment, It is clear that the height must exceed 2000m. Note: Though this is much higher than the Shard, the PANOS have quite the reputation for overdoing things(SEE:Saudi Arabia's First Bull Run).</p> <p>The Shard may not hold this title for long, as another obnoxiously tall building is about to be erected in Moscow, proving once and for all, that if Russia's going to the tallest country in the world, economy be damned. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44059#post-126313 Sat, 16 Jun 2012 11:57:49 +0000 button 126313@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44059#post-126306 Sat, 16 Jun 2012 11:13:59 +0000 Corrigan 126306@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thank you kindly. Ed left in the bad spelling as pointed out by Nick B though. Oops. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44059#post-126299 Sat, 16 Jun 2012 09:57:00 +0000 Yikes 126299@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very nice FP! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44059#post-126269 Sat, 16 Jun 2012 00:20:05 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 126269@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great idea, well deserved FP. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44059#post-126103 Thu, 14 Jun 2012 11:32:26 +0000 nickb 126103@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>puts the sombre into sombrero </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44059#post-126052 Wed, 13 Jun 2012 23:20:43 +0000 FlashArry 126052@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5 stars for a killer last paragraph - </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44059#post-126049 Wed, 13 Jun 2012 23:07:43 +0000 Corrigan 126049@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As a novel alternative to the imminent 100 Billion Euro loan to Spain, German Chancellor Angela Merkal has announced that every Spanish citizen has been offered a spare room in a German household. But only until they sort their shit out, she stressed.</p> <p>The Chancellor herself will be putting up Spanish PM Mariano Rajoy in her Berlin apartments. ‘I <em>had</em> promised Joachim (Frau Merkel’s husband) that he could have a plasma screen and a La-Z-Boy in that room to watch the football, but he has accepted that we all have to make sacrifices in these difficult times.’</p> <p>Hamburg resident Adele Weber had turned her spare room into a mini-gym since the children left for university. ‘Well, it’s not ideal is it? They need to start looking after their money better. We’ve all got to do our bit though, haven’t we? </p> <p>But I’ll say this, they'd better not start treating the place like a hotel. If they eat, they replace it. And I don’t mind putting some of their washing in if I’m doing a load, but I won’t be doing any ironing I can assure you.’</p> <p>Spain’s Minister of the Economy Luis de Guindos said this of the arrangement: ‘Ah mate! They’re, like, total life-savers. We just need a couple of weeks to chill and get our heads on straight and we’ll be all over that deficit reduction.'</p> <p>Despite the upbeat tone to her statement, the Chancellor concluded with a word of more sombre advice. ‘The German people are by nature very generous, but we won’t keep getting taken for granted. People think of the Picasso painting when they are reminded of Guernica now; but Spain should remember, we aren’t shy of giving out some tough love when we need to.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41700#post-119009 Wed, 18 Apr 2012 09:47:39 +0000 yens123 119009@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>cool - thanks for the comment. i enjoyed writing this. its a creative outlet if nothing else! <a href="mailto:simon.yensen@hotmail.co.uk">simon.yensen@hotmail.co.uk</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41700#post-118991 Wed, 18 Apr 2012 09:15:06 +0000 writinginbsl 118991@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>i would name the professor and take the 'we'out praps but this made me laugh</p> <p>stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41700#post-118912 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 22:18:30 +0000 FlashArry 118912@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>... but some of us are just plain frustrated. </p> <p>Nice post, yens - keep 'em coming ! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41700#post-118907 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 21:43:04 +0000 yens123 118907@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>thanks goigo<br /> still not sure how this website works best - seems to be a lot, lot ,lot of stories and not many readers! we are all frustrated comedians!</p> <p>i like the feel of the community though - all good people so far</p> <p>cheers<br /> Simon </p>