http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=economics The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 10:02:37 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60450#post-175535 Fri, 26 Apr 2013 08:22:09 +0000 johnnydobbo 175535@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yesterday's release of UK GDP figures had senior Chinese government officials hastily drawing plans to reshape their economy to stave off their resurgent new rival.</p> <p>"Our paltry 7.7% growth figures that we announced a few weeks ago", read a Communist Party statement, "gave us enough cause for concern on their own. But coupled with the UK's enormous 0.3% growth, we now realise that in this global race we are sadly lagging behind".</p> <p>Off the record, senior party grandees are concerned that the collapse of the Chinese boom relative to their British competitors will lead to mass civil unrest and demands for more and greater freedoms. "How we tackle that is difficult to envisage", a party official who wished to remain anonymous said. "After all, now that our economy is tanking and Britain's is booming, we can't afford their weapons any more". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38194#post-108065 Fri, 03 Feb 2012 13:16:06 +0000 Drylaw 108065@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sensible policies for a sensible Britain. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38194#post-107979 Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:51:40 +0000 ukvillafan 107979@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The government has today announced that immigrants will only be allowed into the country in future if they are able to command a salary of over £31000 per year.</p> <p>In a document entitled "How we intend to keep the riff-raff out" the government has specified that it is not in favour of encouraging additional numbers of scroungers and benefit cheats into the country - "We have more than enough white British people who can laze away and scrounge off the state without encouraging more dirty foreigners in to do the same," a spokesperson said.</p> <p>An unidentified source confirmed that as the government was multiplying the number of British residents who require middle-management or unskilled jobs, it would be crazy to add more at this time. "To be fair, we're doing these potential immigrants a favour, the source said. "With all the white people losing their jobs at the moment who is going to employ some smelly foreign oik? They're better off staying in their own country and cleaning the bogs there instead.They'll thank us for this in the end."</p> <p>Another MP confirmed that only people who would improve the country will be allowed in. "We need people who can speak English and earn loads of dosh," said the noted backbencher and 1922 committee member, "You know, proper supporters of the country who will promote the best of British values such as fairness and compassion."</p> <p>No opposition was heard from Tory backbenchers who were satisfied that their personal assistants, both male and female, were likely to comfortably meet the expressed limit. It is understood that these, mostly exotic, helps command fees of over £300 per hour with added bonuses for late night and weekend 'unsocial hours' working.</p> <p>Opposition MPs commented that the government approach was elitist and likely to lead to a reduction in community cohesion and the availability of all-night corner-shopping.</p> <p>The government's coalition partners were said to be giving full consideration to the report, which they said had not been seen before publication and had not been discussed with them, as usual. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31425#post-88793 Tue, 04 Oct 2011 07:45:59 +0000 apepper 88793@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Atacama large milllimetre/submillimetre array (ALMA) in Chile is the largest, most complex telescope ever built. The director of the telescope has optimistic expectations: "ALMA will be able to see object 13 billion light years from Earth. Finally, it may be possible to see the end of the economic crisis."</p> <p>Chancellor George Osborne congratulated the team behind ALMA but commented, "my forecast is that the end of the crisis is 11 billion years away, 12 billion tops." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31117#post-87781 Wed, 28 Sep 2011 10:48:58 +0000 beau-jolly 87781@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I keep trying to work in the phrase "caught blue-handed" but to no avail. Pop this in the writers' room and it may attract other suggestions. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31117#post-87779 Wed, 28 Sep 2011 10:43:55 +0000 Screenie 87779@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Doom Laden, any relation? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31117#post-87663 Tue, 27 Sep 2011 17:38:27 +0000 apepper 87663@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Doom laden claims by the IMF that the economic outlook is the worse since records began have been undermined by the discovery of the <em>Smurf Song</em>; a record of the 1970s.</p> <p>"I'd quite forgotten", said an IMF spokesman. "But clearly the <em>Smurf Song</em> is a worst record. In fact the 1970s provides several records that would compete with the current state of affairs." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30074#post-84423 Tue, 06 Sep 2011 15:05:28 +0000 vertical 84423@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://tinyurl.com/3ldgc6c"></p> <p>Rumours that shadow chancellor Ed Balls retaliated against Tory critics of his 'fag-packet' economic policies by leaving deathcards on ministerial car windscreens, were firmly rebutted yesterday. A clearly furious Mr Balls shouted down journalists at a party rally saying 'Utter crap, I'll be referring these preposterous claims to the SSS' (socialist security services) before storming out of the meeting.</p> <p>Labour press spokesman Erich Schmeisser denied Mr Balls had been acting in accordance with party orders but confirmed 'high command will rigorously investigate, of course'.</p> <p>Notorious as the ace of spades calling card left on the dead bodies of vietcong soldiers by US infantry, the deathcard (inset) was employed by military 'psy-op' campaigns to inspire fear in the enemy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25232#post-68457 Wed, 18 May 2011 07:22:34 +0000 RogerAbrahams 68457@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>NEW YORK - A day after Dominique Strauss-Kahn was refused a $1m bail on an attempted rape charge, a military unit from Managuay offers to rescue him for half the price.</strong></p> <p>Upon arrival at the Rikers Island jail in New York on Tuesday, the IMF chief received a note signed by a group called The Hog-Nosed Skunks (Los Zorrinos). Known as the Latin Navy SEALs, they are a special force from the banana dictatorship of Managuay in South America, a country ridden by poverty, oppression and an overkill of brightly coloured ponchos.</p> <p>In the letter, the Skunks offer Strauss-Kahn a way out of prison for only $500,000: 'cheaper than the usual amount to silence an sexually attacked employee'. The Hog-Nosed Skunks – named after an mammal that is known for anally secreting a liquid with a strong, foul odour – admit in a postscript that they are not making an offer the IMF chief can't refuse: 'After all, your hobby – running out of the shower naked and grabbing a person from behind – is something that is very common in Rikers Island prison.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14551#post-39362 Sun, 24 Oct 2010 16:19:19 +0000 dogwheels 39362@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a move that is sure to anger terrorist and economists alike, the recession has officially replaced the War on Terror as the government's designated scapegoat.</p> <p>The switch means that the government will now use the recession as its excuse for restricting civil liberties, deporting immigrants and invading foreign countries.</p> <p>According to Downing Street sources, the War on Terror was becoming too restrictive in what it was allowing the government to do.</p> <p>The source said: "The War on Terror was useful but only really let us deport Muslims or Irish people and invade Islamic countries. It was very New Labour.</p> <p>"With the new official scapegoat, we can jail anybody we want without trial by linking them to the banking sector.</p> <p>"And we also have the option to invade a number of European countries who don't agree with George Osborne's economic plans." </p> <p>A spokesman from the Way of the Sword terror group said terrorists were not going to take this sitting down.</p> <p>"We're bloody cheesed off by this," he said from his group's base in Libya. "It's taken countless terrorists years to ensure the War on Terror had official scapegoat status.</p> <p>"Do you know how many recruits we got after the Met introduced its stop and search procedures? Now all these potential bombers are going to go out and become bankers.</p> <p>"It's a disgrace and we're already planning a letter-writing campaign to express our upset at Downing Street." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2542#post-7563 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 13:54:11 +0000 jp1885 7563@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice - here, have 5 magic beans </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2542#post-7556 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 13:35:53 +0000 Ludicity 7556@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Shadow Chancellor George Osborne has finally revealed how the Conservative Party can cut the deficit without raising taxes via a fully costed ‘Magic Money Tree’.</p> <p>Speaking at an election press conference an excited Mr Osborne said: “It looks just like a normal tree but instead of leaves it produces twenty pound notes.” Mr Osborne then produced a picture of a tree that he had drawn using special coloured pens. </p> <p>“I used to think that George Osborne was a blithering idiot,” confessed Lib Dem Treasury spokesman, Vince Cable, “but I have to say that the Magic Money Tree looks like the solution to all our problems.”</p> <p>The tree, which has been fully costed and independently verified by the Institute for Fiscal Studies, has received worldwide acclaim. “George Osborne has managed to completely transcend the old battle between Monetarism and Keynesianism” said Nobel Prize winning economist, Joseph Stiglitz, “the Magic Money Tree is a work of genius.”</p> <p>“I hate to admit this,” said Gordon Brown, “but George Osborne's Magic Money Tree is the answer. I have tried for many years to grow my own ‘Neo-Classical Endogenous Growth Tree’ but sadly it withered and died – probably because it wasn’t magic. For a while I experimented with a ‘Supply-Side Golden Goose’ but in the end we were forced to sell it to Cash4Gold." </p> <p>A minor note of caution was raised by economist Will Hutton: “This is undoubtedly a great idea but in order to grow a money tree you first need to plant a magic coin. Mr Osborne has yet to explain where this coin is coming from or how long it will take for it to grow into a fully fledged magic tree.”</p> <p>Mr Osborne rejected any criticism of his theory as sour grapes. “The important thing to remember is that this tree is magic,” he explained, “and I am pleased to say that we have the backing of over 60 of the country's leading witches and wizards. They all say that the Magic Money Tree is guaranteed to work so long as I water it every day with the tears of a unicorn.” </p>