http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=easyjet The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 10:19:29 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-115278 Mon, 26 Mar 2012 18:53:08 +0000 writinginbsl 115278@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>crumbs </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-115275 Mon, 26 Mar 2012 18:46:45 +0000 John Ffitch-Rucker 115275@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>German humour is no laughing matter. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-114878 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 20:22:34 +0000 Mandy Lifeboat 114878@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Probably - German humour never translates well... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-114874 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 20:12:35 +0000 deluca 114874@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><em>Any Lidl will sell you Jam Rings - if that's not a spoof biscuit what is?</em></p> <p>Are the Jam Circles you can get in ALDI secretly spoofing the Jam Rings you can get in Lidl then? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-114870 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 19:33:15 +0000 Mandy Lifeboat 114870@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Any Lidl will sell you Jam Rings - if that's not a spoof biscuit what is? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-114869 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 19:22:06 +0000 deluca 114869@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>waylandsmithy - I don't think I've tasted spoof biscuits, where can I get some? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-114828 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 16:00:31 +0000 dvo4fun 114828@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hmm.. that might explain my success rate. How about meats &amp; cheeses? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-114826 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 15:59:26 +0000 Golgo13 114826@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Don't take away my Breakaway!</p> <p>Airline food, eh? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-114824 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 15:55:14 +0000 waylandsmithy 114824@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You do know this is a spoof news site, rather than a site for news about biscuits? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-114823 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 15:48:41 +0000 deluca 114823@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I was on a BA flight and they served up a fruit cookie for chrissakes! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-114822 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 15:47:33 +0000 deluca 114822@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <br /> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-114820 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 15:46:43 +0000 deluca 114820@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <br /> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40269#post-114570 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 22:59:03 +0000 deluca 114570@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Derek Mappington, a Blue Card Holder on British Airways today announced at a hastily convened press conference that he would be re-booking his holiday flight to the Algarve with British Airways after he was assured that Breakaway biscuits would soon be reissued to Economy Class passengers during the refreshment service. "I am so pleased that BA, which is after all, a national institution has decided to reverse their earlier policy and allow the provision of the Breakaway biscuit back into their lovely sandwich packs. I had intended to take an Easyjet flight for the family holiday this year as a protest and I can only assume that I, and literally dozens of others, have, by this simple act of defiance forced BA's hand on the matter of snacks and refreshments, and that common sense and decency has won through," said an exultant Mr Mappington, 47, an accounts clerk at British Gas. "When we flew to Malaga last year we were served some poncy packs of pretzels and given a Daily Mail to read! It was dreadful and all the Cabin crew were a strange shade of orange - if that wasn't an advert for Easyjet I don't know what is!!" he added, before going online to buy some new dimensionally correct hand baggage from the TK Maxx website. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=22706#post-61339 Fri, 18 Mar 2011 09:58:03 +0000 Gary Stanton 61339@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Colonnel Gaddafi last night raised the spectre of him withholding his usually generous biennial donation to the Comic Relief , in the event of “any foreign military act” against his murderous regime. </p> <p>In a short statement, issued via the Libyan State broadcaster LBS , Gaddafi announced that he probably wouldn’t watch any of this year’s event, adding that there was an important darts match on at his local and he would “probably wander down there at some point”. </p> <p>However, those who claim to know the dictator’s mindset believe Gaddafi won’t feel safe at The Camel’s Hoof and fears that he will be besieged by an army of well-meaning students shaking cash tins while dressed like twats.</p> <p>Head of the Interior Ministry, Ali Al Muktar said: </p> <p>“If such an event were to occur, as head of the nation our glorious leader would feel pressured into throwing a few coins into the tin before ordering the collectors to be driven to a remote location and shot in the back of the head.” </p> <p>“It could be anything up to 50 dinar depending on how many people are watching, “ he added. </p> <p>Gaddafi’s latest threat was issued as Martin Bishop, a welder from Stevenage, prepared to lower himself into a bath filled with baked beans for forty-eight hours, egged on by a regional news crew. </p> <p>However, in light of Gaddafi’s announcement, Bishop has hinted he may withdraw from the attempt and, with help from his brother in-law Derek, may opt to shave his balls instead.</p> <p>Sources close to Gaddafi claim the dictator has become bored by the show’s tired format and its over-reliance on the puffed-up egos of comedy has-beens such as the post-Tiswas era Lenny Henry. </p> <p>“The leader was briefly excited by rumours of a return of Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog but became enraged when I informed him that it wasn’t even proper spitting and it’s just a noise he does at the back of his throat, “ Muktar continued. </p> <p>“He’s been sat watching re-runs of Tiswas to see whether any phlegm leaves the dog’s mouth and so far he is distinctly unimpressed I can tell you.” </p> <p>Despite the ratcheting up of UN aggression against Libya, there appeared to be some hope that Gaddafi might reconsider his decision today when the despot indicated he would “pay good money to see that welder shave off his nut-sack.” </p> <p>However, Muktar finally conceded, </p> <p>“If it’s anything like last year, it could all hang on whether Fiona Bruce gets her kit off . “ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5650#post-15423 Fri, 04 Jun 2010 11:29:08 +0000 Jimmy 15423@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good idea. Needs more jokes though. Some ideas:</p> <p>-Canaries being painted orange to fit in with EJ livery (could be good graphic here with pythonesque image of canary being dipped in paint can).</p> <p>-Canary chirping to be made into advertising campaign to highlight EJ's "cheap cheap prices".</p> <p>-Trade Union leader needs to be a caricature of northern pit miner types, all "by'gummage" and "when I were a lad" and "t'down pit tint's black over will's mothers". Not sure the safety coalminers joke is really working, needs a bit extra here. Or maybe having Philip Hammond counter by saying 'coal-miners are basically canaries anyway' in terms of brain activity and high-visibility outfits.</p> <p>-Rynair fighting cutbacks by replacing engines with fleet of canaries to pull the damn passengers</p> <p>-final joke? No use getting in a flap over it. Spitting feathers. Norwich town fc. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5650#post-15414 Fri, 04 Jun 2010 10:16:41 +0000 Ostsee 15414@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good. Take five. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5650#post-15392 Fri, 04 Jun 2010 08:57:37 +0000 Ludicity 15392@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, I did post the safety canary idea a while ago but it seemed worth a rewrite in the light of EasyJet's announcement. And it provides an opportunity to post a picture of a somewhat aggrieved looking canary.</p> <p><a href="http://s897.photobucket.com/albums/ac180/dr_ludicity/?action=view&amp;current=canary.jpg"><img src="http://i897.photobucket.com/albums/ac180/dr_ludicity/canary.jpg" alt="Photobucket" /></a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5650#post-15388 Fri, 04 Jun 2010 08:52:33 +0000 Ludicity 15388@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>All EasyJet planes are to be fitted with a ‘safety canary’, to provide an early warning system against flying into clouds of dangerous volcanic ash. </p> <p>‘The canary system is foolproof,’ said EasyJet chief executive, Andy Harrison,‘the little bird is fitted to the nose cone of the plane and sings along happily to itself. However, if the plane enters an ash cloud it will start to cough and splutter, telling the pilot that it may be time to change course.’</p> <p>However, animal lovers are concerned. ‘These creatures are being shamelessly exploited,’ said animal rights campaigner, Carla Lane, ‘what kind of life is it for these defenceless little birds to be locked up in a cage and left swinging from the nose cone of an Airbus A319? And I absolutely refuse to pay EasyJet's £5 canary surcharge.'</p> <p>Mr Harrison rejected the criticism: ‘For most domestic canaries this is the best chance they will ever get to fly. They will see the world and be given as much cuttlebone as they can eat.’</p> <p>However, the unions remain unconvinced. ‘These safety canaries might sound like a good idea,’ said UNITE leader, Tony Woodley, ‘but they are unfocused little birds who are easily distracted by jingly bells and their own reflection. Our members would prefer to see the use of tried and tested ‘safety coal miners’ who have lungs specially attuned to identifying all the many varieties of dust.’</p> <p>Transport Secretary, Philip Hammond welcomed the decision: 'these safety canaries are a victory for common sense. And if any of them do die then they also make a tasty alternative to airline food.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5611#post-15276 Thu, 03 Jun 2010 18:05:38 +0000 Dumbnews 15276@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Superb! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5611#post-15268 Thu, 03 Jun 2010 17:51:59 +0000 thackaray 15268@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>BA passengers stuck in far flung exotic destinations such as Thailand, Australia and Iraq, are being offered the chance to come back on BA flight 1 week later than planned or book with the local agent of Human Trafficking gangs.</p> <p>Tracy from Essex, on holiday in Dubai with her 3 kids, said 'Well, I wasn't sure which option to take: on one hand, you had agents who looked dodgy, didn't give toss and wore BA uniforms, or the well dressed man, wearing big 80's shades, greasy slicked back hair and going by the name of "Ahmed". I chose "Ahmed" in the end, because I'm part-time at Tesco's and I was promised a well paid job as a nanny in the UK as part of the deal."</p> <p>Other repatriated BA passengers told similar stories. Margaret, 83, speaking from the "Oriental Flower" massage parlour in Wolverhampton, said "I've had a wonderful journey coming back, visiting countries I never expected to visit, meeting new and wonderful friends along the way. Even though some of the long journey was by coach, hanging on for dear life underneath it, the gang members were so helpful. They even told me I didn't need to repay the cost of the journey, I told them I wouldn't take no for an answer. And at my age in life, I'm having a wonderful time working here."</p> <p>Although, stranded BA passengers are profusely praising the trafficking gangs, others are outraged at the preferential treatment. Iqbal, from Pakistan said "I've been waiting to get into Britain for 14 months, and they're barging in front of the queue. Who do they think they are? British?!"</p> <p>The surprising nature and success of the trafficking gangs in getting people home, travel insurance companies are offering travellers a new type of insurance so that they don't become indentured to the gangs so by having to work in Kebab shops in Leicester.</p> <p>One passenger, David Marshall, summed it all up by saying "For the ticket price of £10,000, I got warm meals, all my luggage arrived with me at the same destination. Even the free accomodation and the movie choices was first rate. BA has many lessons to learn."</p> <p>They are reports that Ryanair and Easyjet are getting in on the Human trafficking act by under cutting the large criminal players by forcing people to book online and charging extra, for food, luggage and for paying large amounts in cash. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2780#post-8243 Mon, 19 Apr 2010 09:31:02 +0000 StoopyDeGunt 8243@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>lOVE IT.</p> <p>Although I myself might be a target customer for Obesey Jet </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2780#post-8240 Mon, 19 Apr 2010 08:59:35 +0000 MADJEZ 8240@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Go straight to the front page, do not pass Go, do not collect £200 ! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2780#post-8235 Mon, 19 Apr 2010 08:22:52 +0000 Mary Evans 8235@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>S'alright. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2780#post-8221 Mon, 19 Apr 2010 07:20:33 +0000 Ostsee 8221@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A classic, well done. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2780#post-8194 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 20:15:05 +0000 Genghis Cohen 8194@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Muchly ta, people. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2780#post-8169 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 15:01:09 +0000 PluckyMunky 8169@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I loved the 'today's bigger-boned' passengers'! A great piece. Thanks. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2780#post-8168 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 14:57:19 +0000 The All New Jeni B 8168@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fab post.<br /> I remember when Mr B used to complain that as a tall, skinny bloke he was always seated next to the fat people as he used less seat width.<br /> Nowadays, with his hard-earned beer belly, he's in need of a chunky seat! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2780#post-8165 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 14:03:24 +0000 MightyBlair 8165@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love the James cordon bit. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2780#post-8153 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 11:59:10 +0000 sauce 8153@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hahahahaha - grossly funny. Love the "wide-haul" concept and the charging extra for each chin. Mr Sauce says that, these days, chucking me under the chin reminds him of riffling through file folders in a filing cabinet. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2780#post-8142 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 09:50:11 +0000 Genghis Cohen 8142@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Budget airline easyJet has caused controversy by launching a dedicated service for today’s bigger-boned passenger, promising roomy seats, numerous cup holders and a menu boasting the best in foil-sealed freshness.</p> <p>‘All we’re doing is recognising the growing demand for wide-haul flights,’ said Sir Stelios Haji-Ioannou, founder of easyJet. ‘Our customers don’t want to be patronised by standard airlines charging them for two seats. We treat all our travellers like grown outs – sorry, grown ups. We give them one big seat at twice the price plus charges. Oh, and insulin. All the insulin they can eat.’</p> <p>The launch of obeseyJet follows Air France’s recent announcement that it would be charging overweight customers for two seats following an incident in which one overloaded cross-channel flight failed to get airborne and had to be re-branded Sea France. The airline denied that the presence on the ‘flight’ of actor James Cordon was the cause of its difficulties, but admitted that he did inspire the two-seat policy after it proved impossible to sell the seat next to him.</p> <p>Despite the fanfare accompanying the launch, obeseyJet’s first passengers have reported disappointment with the standard of customer service. ‘Okay, I had a fair bit of luggage,’ said recent flyer, John Prescott, ‘but I couldn’t believe it when they asked me at check-in if I’d forgotten the hotel was full-board.’ The airline has since apologised to Mr Prescott and acknowledged that some customers may need an additional baggage allowance to transport their sun lotion, but it stands by its policy of only allowing a passenger to board the plane from one side when an equally-sized passenger is ready to board from the other.</p> <p>The arrival of obeseyJet has inevitably sparked competition among other budget carriers, but many industry commentators believe Ryanair has taken the idea too far. CEO Michael O’Leary today unveiled a new ‘pound-for-pound’ charging tariff, confirming it would be extra for each chin, but has been widely criticised after removing lifejackets from its planes in a cost-cutting bid and insisting they were unnecessary for the naturally buoyant. </p>