http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=drugs The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 03:25:09 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61377#post-178454 Fri, 17 May 2013 07:49:24 +0000 Wrenfoe 178454@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cool </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178443 Fri, 17 May 2013 03:44:29 +0000 weematt 178443@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Post it in the Writers Room section of the NewsBiscuit site. This is the Chat Room intended for discussions not submissions. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61377#post-178440 Thu, 16 May 2013 23:44:50 +0000 mileslloyd 178440@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>British Prime Minister David Cameron held an emergency meeting at Downing Street today to address startling statistics that show a dwindling numbers of teens and young adults who turn to recreational drug use as a way of passing time.</p> <p>Fighting back tears, the PM announced:</p> <p>“Illicit drug use in Britain is on a downward curve. Only 19% of 16-24 year-olds have used an illegal substance in the last year. These findings are very disappointing. I remember back when I was 24. Ecstasy pills had just become big on the underground rave scene - it was like a welcomed slap-in-the-face with a hot, wet, lemon scented hand towel.” Cameron paused to hold back the flow of tears: “It was magical.”</p> <p>Cameron noted that during his youth, 19% of 16-24 year olds were regularly “sparking up fat ones,” “getting a cheeky gram of coke to help them through lectures,” or, as Cameron put it, “just eagerly awaiting the weekend so they could get a nice hit of E.” Cameron fondly reminisced: “This was back when it was good!”</p> <p>“A tenner a pill would blow your tits off. We would be up all night in a barn in the middle of nowhere, dancing amongst the rays of lights – with our tops off and without a care in the world.”</p> <p>Cameron is saddened how over four- fifths of UK’s youth now waste their weekends drinking warm beer and watching Britain’s Got Talent – instead of being out at a club, chewing the inside of their own faces, and forming bonds with people they would normally consider “massive wankers.”</p> <p>The PM then went silent for a few moments before biting his fist and screaming at people to: “Get out of the room! I need time to think about Britain’s future.” After twenty-or-so minutes, the PM had pulled himself together enough to invite the press back in the to give the following final statement:</p> <p>“We can only pray for our country that these young adults lied during the survey for fear of getting into trouble, or worse, grounded for a week. May God help us all”</p> <p>Mr. Cameron then ran to his bedroom and turned off his phone. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178439 Thu, 16 May 2013 23:42:31 +0000 mileslloyd 178439@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What do you mean by "move it over"? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178438 Thu, 16 May 2013 23:39:57 +0000 mileslloyd 178438@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Your wanting is stars enough for me! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178316 Thu, 16 May 2013 08:49:30 +0000 Wrenfoe 178316@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I wanna give it stars!!! (Move it over, dude!) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178288 Thu, 16 May 2013 06:30:37 +0000 Gerontius 178288@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Unless it's everybody else got it wrong. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178278 Thu, 16 May 2013 05:43:29 +0000 Dick Everyman 178278@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Right drugs, wrong room.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178250 Wed, 15 May 2013 22:45:06 +0000 mileslloyd 178250@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>British Prime Minister David Cameron held an emergency meeting at Downing Street today to address startling statistics that show a dwindling numbers of teens and young adults who turn to recreational drug use as a way of passing time.</p> <p>Fighting back tears, the PM announced:</p> <p>“Illicit drug use in Britain is on a downward curve. Only 19% of 16-24 year-olds have used an illegal substance in the last year. These findings are very disappointing. I remember back when I was 24. Ecstasy pills had just become big on the underground rave scene - it was like a welcomed slap-in-the-face with a hot, wet, lemon scented hand towel.” Cameron paused to hold back the flow of tears: “It was magical.”</p> <p>Cameron noted that during his youth, 19% of 16-24 year olds were regularly “sparking up fat ones,” “getting a cheeky gram of coke to help them through lectures,” or, as Cameron put it, “just eagerly awaiting the weekend so they could get a nice hit of E.” Cameron fondly reminisced: “This was back when it was good!”</p> <p>“A tenner a pill would blow your tits off. We would be up all night in a barn in the middle of nowhere, dancing amongst the rays of lights – with our tops off and without a care in the world.”</p> <p>Cameron is saddened how over four- fifths of UK’s youth now waste their weekends drinking warm beer and watching Britain’s Got Talent – instead of being out at a club, chewing the inside of their own faces, and forming bonds with people they would normally consider “massive wankers.”</p> <p>The PM then went silent for a few moments before biting his fist and screaming at people to: “Get out of the room! I need time to think about Britain’s future.” After twenty-or-so minutes, the PM had pulled himself together enough to invite the press back in the to give the following final statement:</p> <p>“We can only pray for our country that these young adults lied during the survey for fear of getting into trouble, or worse, grounded for a week. May God help us all”</p> <p>Mr. Cameron then ran to his bedroom and turned off his phone. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57814#post-167643 Tue, 12 Mar 2013 20:49:33 +0000 Scoby Watson 167643@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50406#post-145375 Wed, 24 Oct 2012 00:43:27 +0000 Yikes 145375@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yup ... very nice! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50406#post-145371 Wed, 24 Oct 2012 00:00:43 +0000 JakeMustian 145371@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50406#post-145365 Tue, 23 Oct 2012 22:01:58 +0000 Gerontius 145365@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Full house Alf.<br /> This is the bit that people tend to overlook....he cheated cancer too. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50406#post-145352 Tue, 23 Oct 2012 19:56:17 +0000 Alfred Noakes 145352@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Seven times Tour De France champion Lance Armstrong today confessed to taking a series of sophisticated medicated drugs to ward off testicular cancer. </p> <p>The cycling champion publicly admitted to taking a course of chemotherapy treatment in a frantic bid to postpone death and improve his quality of life. </p> <p>After the last of his sporting sponsorship endorsements was pulled, Armstrong came clean and said ‘I want the world to know that I pro-actively sought out medications in a bid to avoid the worst aspects of cancer and admit now that this gave advantage over similar athletes from less wealthy countries where those drugs are not widely available’. </p> <p>Cycling body Union Cycliste Internationale (UCI) today announced that Armstrong had also bullied others with testicular and other forms of cancer to indulge in taking similar prescribed drugs. </p> <p>But Armstrong, who has been stripped of his cycling trophies and prevented from competing in future tournaments, was today defiant. ‘I’d do it all again tomorrow if it meant staying alive and getting out on my bike on the open road’ he gloated. </p> <p>Norman Tebbit, who encouraged the unemployed to ‘get on their bike and look for a job’ in the Seventies, was today unavailable for comment. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46273#post-133306 Fri, 03 Aug 2012 08:52:31 +0000 Sinnick 133306@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fine FP.</p> <p>I notice the editor has switched to lower case to AVOID SHOUTING. Some of the folk in here are rather old &amp; sensitive to noise. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46273#post-133253 Thu, 02 Aug 2012 21:20:58 +0000 ianslat 133253@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very nice idea - great fp. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46273#post-133194 Thu, 02 Aug 2012 07:37:24 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 133194@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46273#post-133171 Wed, 01 Aug 2012 20:36:31 +0000 riesler 133171@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not only spinach, he also had Olive Oyl. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46273#post-133149 Wed, 01 Aug 2012 17:30:20 +0000 Peter749400 133149@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://www.diablocrossfit.com/uploads/diablo/image/Popeye3(3).png"></p> <p>Popeye angrily denied doping claims last night after winning a succession of gold medals at the Olympic weightlifting. </p> <p>Judges became suspicious after the ageing and visibly out of condition sailor underwent a remarkable transformation moments into the competition, after ingesting a large quantity of what he later claimed was spinach in a pause between lifts. </p> <p>One judge commented, "It was incredible - the guy eat a whole tin of this green substance - through a pipe - in about two seconds, and went on to lift almost eight times his own body weight in the next round. I mean, we almost ran out of weights - he was just balancing them on his finger like a bread-stick. The idea that a chain smoking, 55 year old sailor could give that kind of performance unaided simply defies belief".</p> <p>Meanwhile, spectators reported seeing visible bulges in the competitor's muscles emerge immediately after he consumed the substance. One IOC official said. "We have taken a sample of the substance away for testing. Spinach does not have this effect on the human body - whatever it was clearly contained a vast quantity of steroids and amphetamines. To be honest it's incredible that this guy is still standing given the cocktail of stimulants he consumed. No wonder he's stuttering - this stuff can really mess with your head".</p> <p>Popeye himself denied all wrongdoing, although was largely incoherent during subsequent interviews, only commenting cryptically: "I'm strong to the finish, 'cause I eats me Spinach, I'm Popeye the sailor man! A-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah!" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44558#post-127616 Tue, 26 Jun 2012 15:36:58 +0000 Mrblacker 127616@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games (LOCOG) says harsh penalties have been agreed with the Government and the IOC, for anyone in the UK caught watching the Olympics while in possession of non-official merchandising.</p> <p>The London Olympics already has every square inch of the viewing experience sponsored out of it, and LOCOG say in order to try and recoup some of the £12bn that's been spent staging the festival of running, jumping, riding bikes quickly, swimming and failing drug tests, it must 'sell as much of the sponsors' shit as possible'.</p> <p>Dan Mathers, LOCOG's senior Marketing and Audience Exploitation Manager, says it makes simple commercial sense.</p> <p>"We're already ripping the living shit from the wallets of the people who have been stupid enough to actually buy tickets for the various Olympic venues and this is the next logical extension. I't all very well for visitors from around the world to come here and open up their wallets in London, but some of them will have to go to places like Dorset and Coventry, so our exploitation in those places will necessarily be at a lower level.</p> <p>"However, it's the lazy bastards at home who will just watch it on the TV that we're really looking to milk. Everyone who doesn't have a Panasonic TV will find that their transmission will be interrupted every time someone's about to cross the finishing line, either through their own leg power of by sitting on a bike. Every game in the women's Volleyball will be blanked out.</p> <p>"If they manage to hack a patch that allows them to see those moments on a non-Panasonic TV, we've been given the power to go round their house, break their telly and then force them to pay for a brand new 42" Panasonic. It's brilliant."</p> <p>The penalties even extend to those who have a sponsor's TV, but choose to eat non-sponsored snacks during the events. Those guilty of eating burgers that aren't McDonalds will be force-fed fillets'o'fish and anyone bathing in non-P&amp;G produced personal hygiene products will be corralled in Felixstowe in the 'Great Unwashed Olympic Smello-Park'.</p> <p>"These will be the best games ever," Dan Mathers maintains. "At least, they will be once we've rinsed the British public for every penny they have." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40378#post-114867 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 18:58:49 +0000 Print Squirrel 114867@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30931#post-87173 Sat, 24 Sep 2011 10:25:11 +0000 tvhack 87173@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The neutrino that broke the world record by travelling faster than the speed of light has sensationally failed its mandatory post-race drugs test. Scientists at CERN have revealed that the Neutrino's A-sample tested positive for Nandrolone, a substance that is banned under CERN"s strict rules. The Neutrino's B-Sample will now be tested to confirm the findings. If that too comes up with a positive result, then the Neutrino's astonishing time, which was faster than the speed of light, will be stricken from the record books. The Neutrino's spokesperson refused to speculate on the cause of the failed test, except to say that its drink must have been spiked. </p> <p>Scientists will be relieved if the Neutrino's time is wiped out. They have been up all night trying to re-write Einstein's famous E=MC squared equation. So far they'd come up with E=WTF? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29434#post-82642 Fri, 19 Aug 2011 14:01:56 +0000 thisisall1word 82642@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The latest South West Trains performance figures have failed a random drugs test carried out by the Office of Rail Regulation.</p> <p>The figures for customer satisfaction, cancellations &amp; delays, and efficiency all tested positive for the banned substance nandrolone. Results are awating a second round of testing for corroboratation, and if these match the first tests then SWT will see financial penaties imposed and will be withdrawn from all qualification rounds for the upcoming XXIV Passenger and Freight Train Olympiad.</p> <p>This is not the first time that the operating companies figures have been embroiled in controversey; a review carried out in 2009 found "a culture within operations that both turned a blind eye towards roid (steroid) abouse by the staticians, and at worst actively encouraged managers to pump their statisticians full of anabolic roids".</p> <p>Whilst not illegal, regulations have since been introduced to discourage such practises, for although a link between roid abuse and performance massaging has never been proven, such abouse has led to the death of over 600 railway franchise statisticians since 2005. A whistleblower at the time said that many statisticians were so pumped and hardcore that "they were only recognisable as statisticians by their poor social skills, glasses and leaky biros."</p> <p>As a precaution regulators have downgraded SWT key performance indicators from fucking awesome to average. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27967#post-77253 Sun, 17 Jul 2011 12:01:13 +0000 Christopher Frost 77253@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27779#post-76661 Wed, 13 Jul 2011 13:34:40 +0000 Christopher Frost 76661@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25928#post-70726 Fri, 03 Jun 2011 05:23:15 +0000 Al OPecia 70726@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ketamine - used to sedate horses. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25928#post-70720 Fri, 03 Jun 2011 01:53:45 +0000 rikkor 70720@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Al, don't get the horse reference. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25928#post-70715 Thu, 02 Jun 2011 23:04:10 +0000 JohnA 70715@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Drug users are the greatest advert against using drugs. Liked the idea. 4 and. A half stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25928#post-70687 Thu, 02 Jun 2011 20:34:34 +0000 Qoxiivi 70687@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Why thank you. I er, I guess if you were to do any drug it'd be...</p> <p>... katamine!</p> <p>Yeah? YEAH!?! Ah forget it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25928#post-70680 Thu, 02 Jun 2011 19:45:22 +0000 The All New Jeni B 70680@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wow!! This is soo, like, cool. Yeah, really enjoyed it man. Had to go get a multi-pack of crisps and a family bag of Maltesers while reading it. (Giggle)<br /> Not that I've ever done any kind of drugs, like, ever or anything.<br /> But seriously, yeah, reminds me of the time a friend of mine got baked on some nice soft black and figured out how to solve the Middle-East peace issues and <em>everything</em>!</p> <p>Some of those cool pointy thingies, stars, yeah, that's the dudes... </p>