http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=dogs The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 09:38:16 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55894#post-161362 Wed, 06 Feb 2013 10:27:52 +0000 weevie 161362@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a cost-cutting move today the Government has commenced the first of its new 'two for the price of one' policies. </p> <p>Noting the overwhelming number of canine passengers in cars caught on speed cameras, it was felt more cost-effective to chip all UK-resident dogs with an accelerometer and GPS then have roadside sensors beam the owners address and vehicle velocity to a new £5 million pound central database in the event of some road-traffic breach. </p> <p>After successful trials with computed axial tomography (CAT scan) systems, housed in supermarket aisles to gauge public reactions to a 'beeping bloody machine' , Jeremy Clarke ( MP for Chipping Norton, South Gloucs) concluded "Well Tescos do it . . . tell us something is a bargain and we consequently adore them for charging us £1 for a tin of dog food, why not the spirit of entrepreneurialism in our policies?" Adding " you never know someone might decide our NI number cards could be like . . . ow - I dunno, a sort of ID card? Ya know? Later with driving-licence and CRB detail all scanned in? Blimmey! THREE for the price one! Just like Asda?" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45785#post-131714 Mon, 23 Jul 2012 15:03:02 +0000 HIGNFY 131714@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks - it is a coincidence indeed, as it is a rather quirky subject and funny I guess as we are all of the same bearing (we like to write funny things) then I guess that the chances two people would write on the sme subject is probably low! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45785#post-131712 Mon, 23 Jul 2012 14:47:06 +0000 Sinnick 131712@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great business idea - someone could make a fortune in the US and have a laugh at the same time! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45785#post-131707 Mon, 23 Jul 2012 13:45:51 +0000 waylandsmithy 131707@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Jesus, what's the chances of two people writing about plastic dog surgery in the space of 20 minutes?</p> <p>I promise it was coincidence. Love your sub! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45785#post-131705 Mon, 23 Jul 2012 13:24:32 +0000 HIGNFY 131705@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Pet owners wanting to turn their pets into lookalikes of the favourite celebrities, a craze that began in Los Angeles, could be headed to the UK.</p> <p>Plastic surgery for dogs and cats is big business in Tinsel Town where pet owners are paying in excess of $30,000 to have their animal’s features transformed to resemble celebrities including film stars, singers and sportsmen.</p> <p>Mike Desselden a hairdresser from Bel Air recently had his Golden Retriever, Harry, put under the knife so he would look like actor Kevin Spacey, the procedure took 8 hours and cost $40,000. Plastic surgeon Ian Twizzle who performed the surgery says his appointment book is full and the waiting list for such operations is in excess of three months.</p> <p>Belinda Shack is due to have her cat, Kristal, altered so her features match those of TV personality Oprah Winfrey later this week.</p> <p>The most popular celebrities, whom pet owners prefer to have their animal’s look like include actor Chevy Chase, boxer Mike Tyson (a favourite for pit-bull owners) and former Friends star Matthew Perry.</p> <p>A woman from Inglewood, a lifelong fan of country singer Dolly Parton, recently paid for her French Poodle to undergo breast enlargement surgery and a tummy tuck.</p> <p>Though the BMA and RSPCA have yet to sanction plastic surgery for pets in Britain there have been allegations that some plastic surgeons have conducted similar operations here.</p> <p>Despite earlier reports which suggested that a man from Basingstoke had paid to have<br /> his Bulldog’s face transformed to look like Susan Boyle and a Yorkshire woman had had her shaggy Pekinese altered to resemble former “Buzzcocks” host Simon Amstell, it was eventually discovered that no surgery had actually occurred on the beasts and the resemblance of these dogs to the two stars was purely an unfortunate coincidence. </p> <p>In 1997 Brian Hope of Leytonstone was cleared of animal cruelty after denying he had his shih tzu, Tara, modified to look like Coronation Street star Helen Worth (Gail) after officials from the Kennel Club and Granada Television confirmed that no plastic surgery had been performed on the bitch. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43533#post-124756 Fri, 01 Jun 2012 13:53:24 +0000 Midfield Diamond 124756@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>... waited on front paw and hind paw ... is a great phrase which should arguably be in the punchline. Good stuff.</p> <p>EDIT: Nice NiB, even without my favourite line ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43533#post-124620 Thu, 31 May 2012 18:05:13 +0000 waylandsmithy 124620@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Funny and wrong. 5! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43533#post-124612 Thu, 31 May 2012 16:21:08 +0000 CollieP 124612@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Woof! 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43533#post-124610 Thu, 31 May 2012 16:15:20 +0000 dvo4fun 124610@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More like a Staffordshire Sad than a Staffordshire Cross. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43533#post-124604 Thu, 31 May 2012 14:21:54 +0000 medici2471 124604@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mel Sykes is looking a bit rough these days </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43533#post-124596 Thu, 31 May 2012 13:07:42 +0000 Gary Stanton 124596@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The RSPCA has come under fire from dogs for publishing pictures of a malnourished size zero Staffordshire cross, which have left many of them feeling unhappy about the way they look.</p> <p>The dog, which was abandoned in a cardboard box by the side of the road, has been described as the ‘thinnest dog ever seen alive’ and ‘absolutely way out of our league’ by male dogs across Britain.</p> <p>The animal, since named Hope, which is kind of hedging your bets, has already been snapped up on a lucrative six month modelling contract by<br /> Vogue magazine, assuming she pulls through. </p> <p>Hope was wearing a stylish off-the-shoulder layer of bubble wrap when handed in by a man in Weston-Super-Mare, who promptly legged it as fast as he could in the opposite direction. </p> <p>Bitches, meanwhile, say the images of Hope put unnecessary pressure on them to change their eating habits to meet the requirements of a canine rescue industry that panders to waif-like strays. </p> <p>Benji , a 3 year-old Red Setter said, ‘I’m as guilty as the next dog of wolfing everything down in one go. I’ve tried to lose weight, honestly I have, but it’s difficult when people keep passing you tasty morsels of food under the table. ‘</p> <p>‘Woof. ‘ </p> <p>And Princess, a 4 year-old Border Collie from Totnes agrees that, by publishing images of Hope in this way, the RSPCA are simply rubbing her nose in it. </p> <p>‘Look at that skinny bitch! She gets waited on front paw and hind paw, as much food as she can eat and a warm kennel into the bargain,’ she growled. </p> <p>Straining on her leash a little, she added.</p> <p>‘Don’t get me wrong. I get regular exercise – two walks a day and the chance to chase a stick every now and then. You’d think the weight would fall off but my downfall is treats. ‘</p> <p>‘I blame advertising. ‘</p> <p>‘Excuse me, would you mind if I licked my genitals? ‘ </p> <p><a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2152198/Skin-bone-18lb-dog-abandoned-box-roadside-thinnest-RSPCA-seen.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2152198/Skin-bone-18lb-dog-abandoned-box-roadside-thinnest-RSPCA-seen.html</a></p> <p>(warning , image on the link is not for everyone ) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39092#post-110985 Fri, 24 Feb 2012 13:07:49 +0000 beau-jolly 110985@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sorry, a bit OCD. I like things to be neat. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39093#post-110984 Fri, 24 Feb 2012 13:07:16 +0000 beau-jolly 110984@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lots of stars? Why not consolidate your stars into one easy to handle bunch? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39092#post-110981 Fri, 24 Feb 2012 12:40:31 +0000 Son of Barnabas 110981@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>No, you must be seeing double.<br /> No, you must be seeing double.<br /> Should have gone to Specsavers.<br /> Should have gone to Specsavers. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39092#post-110968 Fri, 24 Feb 2012 11:40:14 +0000 beau-jolly 110968@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39092">Deja vu</a>Sure this has been done before somewhere? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39093#post-110967 Fri, 24 Feb 2012 11:39:30 +0000 beau-jolly 110967@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Some great lines. Like it </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39093#post-110961 Fri, 24 Feb 2012 11:09:42 +0000 Gary Stanton 110961@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A local authority has joined forces with emergency rescue services to expose a callous individual too ‘chicken-shit’ to risk life and limb by retrieving his partially-blind Springer Spaniel ‘Mr Tibbs’ from an icy lake, it has emerged. Mr Tibbs , aged 15, but considerably more in dog years, and a loyal and trusted companion to all who knew him, perished during last week’s Siberian freeze after falling through ice at a notorious water-based blackspot known to locals as Hell’s Dyke for the sheer number of victims it has claimed. </p> <p>Emergency crews arrived on the scene too late to save Tibbs, and despite administering CPR to the animal, pronounced it dead after fishing it out of the water with a branch. Williams, a father of four, who according to one onlooker ‘had refused even to strip down to the waist and mount a daredevil mission to save the tragic pooch’, could only throw up his useless hands in dismay. </p> <p>Williams, who lives at Flat 315b, Kenington Rise on the Glenacre Estate - that’s on the sixth floor - said in his defence, ‘When I initially stepped onto the ice in response to Mr Tibbs’ frantic barking I heard what I can only describe as an ‘ominous creaking sound’ which I took to be consistent with a partial thaw. That’s when I thought ‘fuck this for a game of soldiers’ – Marjorie would never forgive me if I ruined these trousers. Anyway, by that point Tibbsy’s pathetic yelps were becoming weaker and less frequent. That’s right - they’re from Jaeger and cost seventy quid. ‘ </p> <p>‘Nobody is more sad at Mr Tibbs’ passing than me, but the fact remains he was getting old and had started to cost me a fortune in vets’ bills. I’m already up £200, less the trousers, this month alone and that’s before the Housing Benefit kicks in. God, I loved that dog. All this stuff is breaking my heart, but, you know, swimming was never my strong suit. ’</p> <p>David Allen, of Stenhousemuir Emergency Pet Rescue ‘SEPR’, who tried in vain to perform mouth-to-snout resuscitation on Tibbs while the fully-clothed Williams did stuff on his mobile said, ‘Every winter we have cases like this where a dog wanders onto the ice only to succumb to a needless death brought about by moral weakness. In such circumstances, we always urge the public to ‘man up’ and ‘grow a pair of balls’ then dive in after the poor wee doggie. Or are we frightened of a little water now ? ‘ </p> <p>Miriam White of the RSPCA said, ‘Words fail me. Contrast this with the case of tragic Andy McDonald whose Red Setter ‘Sparky’ is alive and well and comforting his widow right now thanks to the heroism he showed on Loch Lomond last January.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39092#post-110960 Fri, 24 Feb 2012 11:09:08 +0000 Gary Stanton 110960@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A local authority has joined forces with emergency rescue services to expose a callous individual too ‘chicken-shit’ to risk life and limb by retrieving his partially-blind Springer Spaniel ‘Mr Tibbs’ from an icy lake, it has emerged. Mr Tibbs , aged 15, but considerably more in dog years, and a loyal and trusted companion to all who knew him, perished during last week’s Siberian freeze after falling through ice at a notorious water-based blackspot known to locals as Hell’s Dyke for the sheer number of victims it has claimed. </p> <p>Emergency crews arrived on the scene too late to save Tibbs, and despite administering CPR to the animal, pronounced it dead after fishing it out of the water with a branch. Williams, a father of four, who according to one onlooker ‘had refused even to strip down to the waist and mount a daredevil mission to save the tragic pooch’, could only throw up his useless hands in dismay. </p> <p>Williams, who lives at Flat 315b, Kenington Rise on the Glenacre Estate - that’s on the sixth floor - said in his defence, ‘When I initially stepped onto the ice in response to Mr Tibbs’ frantic barking I heard what I can only describe as an ‘ominous creaking sound’ which I took to be consistent with a partial thaw. That’s when I thought ‘fuck this for a game of soldiers’ – Marjorie would never forgive me if I ruined these trousers. Anyway, by that point Tibbsy’s pathetic yelps were becoming weaker and less frequent. That’s right - they’re from Jaeger and cost seventy quid. ‘ </p> <p>‘Nobody is more sad at Mr Tibbs’ passing than me, but the fact remains he was getting old and had started to cost me a fortune in vets’ bills. I’m already up £200, less the trousers, this month alone and that’s before the Housing Benefit kicks in. God, I loved that dog. All this stuff is breaking my heart, but, you know, swimming was never my strong suit. ’</p> <p>David Allen, of Stenhousemuir Emergency Pet Rescue ‘SEPR’, who tried in vain to perform mouth-to-snout resuscitation on Tibbs while the fully-clothed Williams did stuff on his mobile said, ‘Every winter we have cases like this where a dog wanders onto the ice only to succumb to a needless death brought about by moral weakness. In such circumstances, we always urge the public to ‘man up’ and ‘grow a pair of balls’ then dive in after the poor wee doggie. Or are we frightened of a little water now ? ‘ </p> <p>Miriam White of the RSPCA said, ‘Words fail me. Contrast this with the case of tragic Andy McDonald whose Red Setter ‘Sparky’ is alive and well and comforting his widow right now thanks to the heroism he showed on Loch Lomond last January.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21030#post-56794 Wed, 09 Feb 2011 16:29:17 +0000 rikkor 56794@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like it. Cinq. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21030#post-56790 Wed, 09 Feb 2011 16:12:55 +0000 be reasonable 56790@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Labrador at war with Newfoundland. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21030#post-56757 Wed, 09 Feb 2011 14:28:05 +0000 CAC 56757@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks.</p> <p>Ha ha at rubbish insect. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21030#post-56752 Wed, 09 Feb 2011 14:16:14 +0000 malgor 56752@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>@CAC - edit button is like a rubbish insect. It has a life-span of 6 hours. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21030#post-56746 Wed, 09 Feb 2011 13:53:25 +0000 CAC 56746@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sorry to make the revised version as a second submission. I couldn't spot the 'edit' button on my first effort. Does the 'edit' option disappear once the submission has replies? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21030#post-56714 Wed, 09 Feb 2011 11:01:03 +0000 CAC 56714@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A Cumbrian village is feared to be perilously close to all-out conflict following a terrier's angry accusation that a labrador is intruding "repeatedly and with clearly provocative intent" into disputed territory in front of the terrier's garden gate.</p> <p>In the latest of a series of skirmishes, yesterday saw a cross-border dental exchange through the railings, with Nipper, 6, claiming that the labrador's "jaunty tail angle" compelled him to attempt an intercept. </p> <p>"There is long-standing acceptance that the Gate Zone, whilst not strictly mine, is a crucial buffer territory," said Nipper, "Although Goofy claims to have gone astray whilst hiking there were clear signs that his incursion was for intelligence-gathering. I monitored him closely while he sniffed fenceposts within the Zone, and I had reason to fear that a urinary attempt at territorial acquisition was imminent."</p> <p>The stand-off has a long history, dating from Nipper's arrival in the village and his immediate instigation of a total exclusion zone of one mile around his home. Dogs who already lived there were forced to assert their traditional right of occupancy, and prolonged negotiations were necessary to ensure all dogs had right of passage to the nearby park. A strip of land running past Nipper's garden was set aside for this purpose, but Nipper insists that the strip is restricted to the other side of the road, where there is no pavement. </p> <p>A crossbreed livestock-worrier who preferred not to be named said that she had to cross the strip daily to get to her place of work. "Nipper's unilateral restriction of the strip to the other side of the road means I'm at risk of getting run over on my way to chase sheep. It's his way of trying to get me out of the village altogether."</p> <p>Daphne, a Golden Retriever, accused Nipper of setting up ad hoc checkpoints throughout the village. "Every time I pass him he inspects my credentials and he is really aggressive about it. It's humiliating." Nipper admits that the inpections are conducted "with some force" but argues that as a small dog surrounded by large and powerful neighbours he has a right of "pro-active self-defence".</p> <p>In a move widely regarded as a means of ramping up inter-canine tension, he has begun to claim that Goofy's affable exterior is a front and that his "dangerously long and waggy tail" amounts to a mass-destruction capability. Nipper cites legal advice suggesting that the waggy tail renders all agreements void and entitles him to leap the fence in a pre-emptive strike.</p> <p>The anti-Nipper camp appears to be weakened by internal disagreement. Questioned by reporters, Goofy, in a clear attempt to avoid further escalation of the situation, would only comment "Hello, will you be my friends? I like biscuits." But a spokesman for the labrador later delivered a much more hard-line statement. "We have lived tolerantly, perhaps too complacently, with this fundamentalist presence within our community for far too long. It is time for a war on terrierism. We must adopt an altogether more muscular labradorism."</p> <p>President Obama is said to be locked in telephone exchanges in which he is "strenuously urging" Nipper not to let slip "an historic opportunity to reactivate the peace process." However, the situation is deemed too volatile for him to send in Bo, his Secretary of State for Canine Affairs. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11749#post-32481 Wed, 08 Sep 2010 13:59:03 +0000 Mary Evans 32481@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hahahahahahahahaha! Having not seen this sub, my earlier comment on your Asda sub was a touch premature... nothing new for you, I'm sure Oxy. Get your coat, there's a good chap. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11749#post-32417 Wed, 08 Sep 2010 07:53:42 +0000 Oxbridge 32417@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks all, mwah mwah. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11749#post-32222 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 19:03:35 +0000 Doctor Moptop 32222@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I was going to be half of a comedy duo called Birk &amp; Head. 'Cept my partner got first dibs on Head.</p> <p>Lovely writing, Oxy. Take ***** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11749#post-32216 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 17:39:15 +0000 mr blue 32216@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sadly true.<br /> Stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11749#post-32214 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 16:33:40 +0000 Scroat 32214@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice one Mr O. I remember back in the day when teenage girls really were teenage girls... oh dear, will you excuse me for a minute? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11749#post-32212 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 16:19:46 +0000 L S Caton 32212@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Really good. </p>