http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=dog The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 18 Jun 2013 03:46:21 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48587#post-140070 Tue, 25 Sep 2012 06:15:08 +0000 Sinnick 140070@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I agree with Flash; some bits could disappear without the sub losing value. Not bad at all for a first sub. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48587#post-140064 Mon, 24 Sep 2012 23:42:34 +0000 FlashArry 140064@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>like the premise, a couple of good gags, but perhaps a bit long ?</p> <p>The headlines imply that the family might be at their wit's end and just want a real dog rather than the canine Stephen Fry - could more of that be pulled through ? Some rich gag fodder there ....</p> <p>Andre X is inspired though - nice description. And that pope limerick is a corker </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48587#post-140056 Mon, 24 Sep 2012 22:33:59 +0000 jacobmason 140056@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>Sniffing stranger’s crotches?</p> <p>Urinating in public?</p> <p>Will eat anything off the floor? </p> <p>Then you're the sort of person we need to teach this talking, educated dog how to behave properly!</strong></p> <p>Meet the Winstanleys. At first glance, a seemingly ordinary 2.4 children family from Berkshire. But behind closed doors, all is not quite as it seems.</p> <p>‘It started when he was a puppy,’ says Mike Winstanley, owner of Horris. ‘There was an advert on telly, you know, the Wall’s Sausage ad, and as a joke, I said to Horris ‘Wall’s’ and just came out with it.’</p> <p>According to the 46-year old, his Miniature Schnauzer, Horris, replied: ‘Wall’s. A brand owned by a conglomerate called Unilever; whose evil capitalist advertisers make my species looks like mouth-watering fools. How dare you!’ Mike added, ‘I don’t know where he gets his politics from, because we buy the Daily Mail.’</p> <p>Mike and his family were concerned at first, and called in the country’s leading ‘dog whisperer’, Andre X to get to the bottom of this phenomenon and hopefully, cure it. But Horris wasn’t keen. ‘I didn’t like some of the things he whispered to me. He was an eerie sort of chap, and he always stank of sweat and shame – I can tell because of these extra senses I can pick up. I remember once he whispered in my ear, ‘My trick of making dogs ejaculate onto biscuits is coming on a treat.’ That’s not right, is it?’</p> <p>But Horris wasn’t the only one with doubts about ‘fixing’ his unique ability. ‘I mean, not everyone has a talking dog. Especially one with quite a high intellect. And he’s great with the kids too, you know, helping them with their homework. And he’s got quite a talent too,’ says Mike. </p> <p>Of a late Sunday afternoon, the pair can be found in Mike’s study, where Horris dictates limericks he has thought up in the week to Mike, who then word processes them and publishes them on his blog. ‘He has a unique talent when it comes to thinking up some witty rhymes; I mean, I’d never think of doing anything like this. It’s all down to Horris.’ </p> <p>Mike’s blog has even attracted the attention of Acme Publishers, who are printing a selection of Horris’s limericks in a book due out next week. ‘I’m very excited,’ says the four year-old canine. ‘I believe I’m the first animal to have actually written a book of poetry.’ Horris finds his influences from popular culture and mainly what he sees on the television. ‘I’ve got a lot of time on my hands during the day. You pick up all sorts, and play with words in your head.’ Some of his best known limericks are to feature in the book, such as ‘This goose in the Outer Hebrides’:<br /> <em>This goose in the Outer Hebrides<br /> Suffers badly with genital herpes<br /> It was such bad luck –<br /> He caught it from a duck!<br /> (No jokes about Bill Oddie, please)</em></p> <p>‘That’s one of my favourites,’ recalls Mike. ‘But my all-time favourite has to be the one about the inflatable Pope. As he told me, I cried with laughter for, oh, about a minute or two.’<br /> <em>A man of a nervous disposition,<br /> Decided no longer to be Christian:<br /> He gave up hope<br /> When his inflatable Pope<br /> Went BANG! in the missionary position.</em></p> <p>• <em>Horris’s 101 Limericks</em> is published by Acme Publishers. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48423#post-139685 Sun, 23 Sep 2012 11:33:24 +0000 burnmybridges 139685@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Diddy? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48423#post-139336 Fri, 21 Sep 2012 10:28:38 +0000 andydog 139336@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More Soon. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41246#post-117635 Sat, 07 Apr 2012 10:44:47 +0000 The Galah 117635@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>On the stroke of one minute past midnight today, Apple's iPhone 5 launched to much pomp and fanfare, and to the sound of a million anoraks being hastily zipped up. The brand spanking new phone allows users to make a call while simultaneously watching MasterChef, reading Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and tap-dancing. Initial opinion is ecstatic, although some of the respondents of such calls have expressed reservations.</p> <p>The new phone operates on Apple's ground-breaking Rum'n'Raisin Triple Deckor processing platform, which offers users the unprecedented option to remotely program their dog to go for a walk, at a prespecified time, to a prespecified destination. The iWalkies facility is the first of its kind, and could well give Apple an insurmountable lead over competitors.</p> <p>Although analysts have identified potential teething problems, with some reports of users finding their pets attempting to tap-dance, they remain upbeat, 'We fully expect a fix in the iPhone 5a, due out in 6 months. And anyway, it's a minor issue - tap-dancing dogs. What's not to like?". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5674#post-15456 Fri, 04 Jun 2010 15:16:09 +0000 Basil_B 15456@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>R.S.P.C.A called in to investigate claim that Ken Dodd's dad's dog is dead. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5674#post-15454 Fri, 04 Jun 2010 15:05:30 +0000 PluckyMunky 15454@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ken's kin's canine certainly in clear - clarification after consternation. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5674#post-15450 Fri, 04 Jun 2010 14:52:21 +0000 Svendo 15450@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>So Ken Dodds Dads Dog didnt die but Ken Dodds Dad Did? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5674#post-15449 Fri, 04 Jun 2010 14:46:59 +0000 andhrimnir 15449@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ken Dodd's dad's dog's not dead but Ken Dodd's dad's deceased? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5674#post-15447 Fri, 04 Jun 2010 14:33:33 +0000 Svendo 15447@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More Soon </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3821#post-10954 Wed, 05 May 2010 14:54:35 +0000 Ostsee 10954@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oh, for the life of an MP! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3821#post-10949 Wed, 05 May 2010 14:38:21 +0000 virtuallywill 10949@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/photoblog/lib5.jpg"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1773#post-5014 Wed, 31 Mar 2010 09:51:23 +0000 Oxbridge 5014@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More soon </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1388#post-3649 Tue, 23 Mar 2010 16:19:42 +0000 Ladyjam 3649@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Disgusting, yet brilliant. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1388#post-3639 Tue, 23 Mar 2010 15:41:37 +0000 dominic_mcg 3639@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More soon. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1138#post-2885 Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:27:55 +0000 Oxbridge 2885@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Rufus, a border terrier from Sandown, Isle of Wight, has announced plans to change his pattern of frenzied water-gulping in the morning. This follows the repeated failure to accumulate enough urine to mark both the fifth lamp-post away from his house in St Marks Crescent and have enough in reserve for the park.</p> <p>'Normally I get 70% of my morning spray needs from my water and the rest from my breakfast,' explained the two-year-old grizzle and tan. 'Unfortunately, my beloved owner, who has been quite stressed lately, has several times forgotten to give me my breakfast until after our morning walk, with potentially disastrous consequences.'</p> <p>Rufus went on to explain that the traditional view that he is marking his territory is only partially correct. Whilst the pungent, hormone-laden streams of wee that scorch creosote from fences and cause small children to cry do mainly serve this purpose, he also needs to keep some weaker, less nauseating reserves in his tank for purely social reasons - to advertise to his friends that he has been by.</p> <p>'It's just polite,' he told reporters, in between licking and sniffing frantically at a soggy tree stump in Stevenson Park. 'Look - my Patterdale-Border cross girlfriend Twinkle has left a message that she passed by the park 20 minutes ago and I need to do the same or she'll take the hump and go off with that growly little pillock of a Yorkie from down the road.'</p> <p>In view of the apparent unreliability of pre-walk kibble suppliers, Rufus will therefore be taking it on himself to increase his water intake from the downstairs toilet by 15% until further notice. This figure has been carefully calibrated to ensure an optimum weight distribution, while leaving enough in the tanks to cock his back leg over the entire neighbourhood.</p> <p>'I blame myself that it's come to this - I just keep forgetting,' admitted Rufus's owner, hairdresing salon owner Jane Winters, 55. 'And he's such a good little lad, he never complains, do you poppet? Oooh, look at him, he's so like me,' she added, prior to sniffing another woman's genitalia and eating rabbit droppings from off the path. </p>