http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=death The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 09:23:34 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46104#post-159919 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 08:19:10 +0000 Sinnick 159919@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great FP, seems to have slipped under everyone's radar except the Ed. Nice to see mention of Jackdaws, they're under-rated as comedy material. Someone ought to make a TV drama about this. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46104#post-159916 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 01:38:12 +0000 dvo4fun 159916@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>ver gut </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46104#post-159915 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 01:32:32 +0000 Perks 159915@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice FP, although did take find dome finding! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55296#post-159791 Fri, 25 Jan 2013 20:20:41 +0000 Neil Hiatt 159791@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>January 25, 2013</p> <p><center><strong>“DEAR ABBY’S LAST WORDS: ADVISES EVERYONE TO ‘GO FUCK THEMSELVES.’ ”</strong></center><br /> <center>By: Neil Hiatt</center></p> <p>MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In a shocking turn of events ailing Dear Abby advice columnist Pauline Phillips shelved her customary charm by issuing a final declaration for her readers to “go fuck themselves.”</p> <p>“I’ve always looked to her column for quaint life advice and snappy one-liners,” said longtime reader Debbie Wexlerman, of the recently deceased Phillips, “but I don’t know what to do with this counsel.”</p> <p>According to sources, the whole ordeal was “bizarre” and “unsettling,” especially when the late columnist said, “Let those mouth-breathing shit bags try to trudge through life without Abby’s coat tails to ride on. They’re sheep, you hear me? Sheep!”</p> <p>Abby’s surviving family members, meanwhile, cited various personal attacks and character assaults from the former writer. Among these were Phillips’s assertions that Ann Landers was “an uppity, shit-fucking hack.”</p> <p>“There was a moment there where she really laid into Ann,” Abby’s daughter, Jeanne, told reporters. “[Abby] had said she was relishing the moment when she could stroll through the gates of Hell and punch that smug bitch in the teeth. I’m not sure where all this anger was coming from, but she was pissed,” added Jeanne.</p> <p>“Everyone wants a piece of Abby, but this store’s closed for business!” spewed a requiem from the famous writer’s lips. “Get your own lives in order, you mealy mouthed bastards!”</p> <p>Scores of fans have gathered outside of the recently deceased Dear Abby’s home to hold a candlelit vigil in honor of the woman, who, on her deathbed, called them “soul-sucking ass hats.” </p> <p>Others, however, have started contacting various psychics and spiritual mediums to channel Abby and her advice from the afterlife.<br /> <center># # #</center> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28349#post-153153 Thu, 13 Dec 2012 09:00:02 +0000 Oxbridge 153153@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Saves me the bother, I guess. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28349#post-153077 Wed, 12 Dec 2012 18:10:19 +0000 waylandsmithy 153077@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There must be some more stuff we can put out for recycling... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48648#post-140234 Tue, 25 Sep 2012 21:58:50 +0000 Anonymous 140234@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>or the....</p> <p>"Ronnie Needs A Hip Replacement Tour" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48648#post-140232 Tue, 25 Sep 2012 21:50:00 +0000 Anonymous 140232@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><a href="http://www.timeslive.co.za/entertainment/music/2012/08/31/rolling-stones-tour-rumour-grows-before-doccie-release" rel="nofollow">http://www.timeslive.co.za/entertainment/music/2012/08/31/rolling-stones-tour-rumour-grows-before-doccie-release</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46104#post-132734 Sun, 29 Jul 2012 13:43:52 +0000 Gary Stanton 132734@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>Scandinavian detective to remain upbeat despite series of personal and work-based tragedies </strong></p> <p>Detective Sergeant Fred Blomqvist was in no way downcast last night after falling victim to the latest in a series of personal and work-related traumas. </p> <p>Having your six-year old daughter chopped into pieces and fed to the piranha collection of Sweden’s self-styled Aquarium killer would be enough to make even the most battle-hardened detectives consider their future, but Blomqvist insists he is rolling with the punches. </p> <p>‘Yeah, I’ll hold my hands up - the daughter thing was a setback’ admits the 53 year-old divorcee from his converted Uppsala farmhouse, which overlooks acres of bleak agricultural landscape, ‘but I am refusing to react to it. I won’t take the bait’ he says with a cheeky wink and a playful nudge to the ribs. </p> <p>Blomqvist, head of Uppsala’s Serious Crimes and Misdemeanours Squad for the last ten years, is legendary for his almost supernatural ability to take everything in his stride and is credited with the introduction of a ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps’ poster in the foyer of the police force’s main HQ</p> <p>The happy-go-lucky detective‘s career has not been without controversy and he was faced with accusations of insensitivity when days after four new recruits where killed in a head-on collision with an overloaded oil tanker from which the brake cable had been deliberately removed, Blomqvist tried to lighten the mood by throwing an office foam party.</p> <p>Added to this is the fact that twenty four hours after his daughter was turned into fish food, Blomqvist’s faithful Golden Retriever “Blondi” was discovered lying dead next to a bloodstained cricket bat in a park on the outskirts of Lund ‘I’ve no idea what she was doing there, but y’know – she had a good innings’ says Blomqvist with that trademark chuckle. </p> <p>The interview was interrupted by Blomqvist’s distinctive ringtone. When the call is over, Blomqvist’s voice cracks momentarily ‘That was the son from my first-marriage with Linda who was killed when a tractor reversed over her in a one-way street in broad daylight. ‘</p> <p>‘Well it's not such great news about his leukaemia, but on the plus side it's looking like the Jackdaw he found by the roadside with a broken wing is going to pull through. Isn't that just fantastic? ’ </p> <p>‘Aww heck, pass me a tissue will you - I’ve got something in my eye’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126943 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 21:34:20 +0000 Yikes 126943@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Agree that there are funny bits in this ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126942 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 21:23:41 +0000 The Masked Frog 126942@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I do like the bit about Castropubs :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126937 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 20:10:19 +0000 JohnA 126937@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>tl;dr </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126921 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 18:25:28 +0000 TiffindeVere 126921@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>We are all in the gutter, but some of us are awarding ourselves 5 stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126918 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 18:09:09 +0000 dvo4fun 126918@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oh, and well done [again] for the anon 5 stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126917 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 18:08:22 +0000 dvo4fun 126917@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There's some good stuff in here but, for what it's worth, suggest you prune it a little (less means more). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126909 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 17:27:48 +0000 TiffindeVere 126909@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Michael Richmond-Coutts, 2nd laird of Kunthaire, was born and raised in a small, working-class mining village which his parents had specially built for him in the grounds of their Surrey estate. Partially raised by Quakers, he spent much of his infancy studying the manifold uses of oats. Seven years of research culminated in his now world-renowned academic paper, "Oats Are Only Good For Porridge", a work that won him the Kellogg prize for Breakfast Science in 1780.</p> <p>A peculiar but gifted child, he could play the violin with his feet, the piano with his elbows and the drums with his prodigous breasts, often all at the same time. He was quoted in an early interview as saying, "Oranges are most certainly the only fruit", but later changed his mind when he was handed an apple by a Noam Chomsky.</p> <p>Aged eight, he set about transcribing Wagner's Ring Cycle into Braille, a project which he has yet to complete. During a family camping trip to Utrecht in 1791, he was savagely mauled by a tiger, and for the remainder of his life a pronounced scar in the shape of the heraldic crest of the Manson family could be seen just above his left eyebrow.</p> <p>An avid collector of Nazi memorabilia, he purchased Hitler's testicles in 1910, but felt so bad about the whole affair that he sent one back to Mr Hitler by Royal Mail Next Day Special Delivery, and donated the other to the Albert Hall, where it languishes today in a glass case shaped like a phallus.</p> <p>He joined the Labour Party in the mid-eighties, but was disappointed that he didn't see a single woman give birth. His politcal affiliations then veered towards a greener, more socially conscious party, the British Order of Fascists, and he swiftly rose to the rank of the party's Grand Wizard within a matter of months. A further promotion, to the rank of 'High Priestess', followed shortly after.</p> <p>In 1892 he released his patented "Squeegee Board" onto the market, a device that allowed the user to contact the souls of departed window cleaners.</p> <p>He won the 1901 World Fencing Championships using nothing but a pen, an object which he had always asserted to be mightier than the sword. Shortly after this victory, a brief spell as a psychotherapist ended in tears.</p> <p>In 1993 Richmond-Coutts was jailed for life for a viscious knife attack on Tommy Cooper- fortunately 60's pop sensation Lulu was in the vicinity and was able to shout loud enough to catch the attention of local law enforcement officers. In his statement, Cooper explained how Richmond-Coutts had come at him from the shadows "..just like that."</p> <p>A brief period of study at the Gewurtztraminer Institute in Bavaria led to problematic alcoholism, and Richmond-Coutts hit rock bottom when he made an impassioned anti-semitic speech at his nephew's Bar Mitzvah in 1998.</p> <p>On an archaeological dig in Bolton in 1931, Richmond-Coutts found a three hundred year old Faberge chicken, putting to rest the contentious argument of which came first. He likes the phrase "Yo, Banana Boy" because is it exactly the same when spelled backwards.</p> <p>He found success in 1961 with his feminist Motown singing trio "The Suffragettes", and went on to marry the lead singer, Candice Tampacks. Tampacks tragically died when she fell under a horse at Newmarket a year later, but he remained jubilant as the horse he had backed, Perforated Bowel, romped home to victory in the very same race.</p> <p>A successful restaurant venture followed when he opened Chez Che in Notting Hill in 1989, a Cuban-French fusion restaurant that he called a 'Castropub'. He worked occasional shifts in the kitchen at Chez Che as a Commis Magician, but showed no real talent for it and gave up shortly after.</p> <p>Richmond-Coutts then hit the bottle, which smashed and caused serious lacerations to his hands and wrists. He set about making dessert wines, and had varying degrees of success: his trifle-flavoured Pinot Noir was a runaway hit, but his Spotted Dick Chablis failed to garner any praise at all.</p> <p>He was a familiar face on the London charity circuit, turning up to fundraisers wearing nothing but a tricorn hat, two peacock feathers hanging lifeless from his nostrils. He would draw crowds wherever he went, a hobby made much easier by carrying a sketch book and pencil.</p> <p>He once cried continuously for seven days having dropped a pint of semi-skimmed milk, but snapped out of it when he realised it was of no use.</p> <p>Shortly before his death he married pop starlet Miley Cyrus, and was making plans to have her jaw wired and tongue removed so that she could never utter a single word again.</p> <p>He leaves behind two unspeakably ugly children. He will be in some ways missed. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124547 Wed, 30 May 2012 21:08:01 +0000 arthurminnit 124547@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>me too, and i am not a filthmeister.</p> <p>errr, it appears that i AM a filthmeister. but i would still like to shit on her chest and rub it in.<br /> the miserable bitch is still refusing, even though i now know a dying child.<br /> celebrities really are the scum of the earth. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124482 Wed, 30 May 2012 10:45:09 +0000 JonnyJP 124482@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I preferred the original version though </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124473 Wed, 30 May 2012 08:55:53 +0000 pinxit 124473@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The final NiB version on the front page is superb. Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124264 Mon, 28 May 2012 09:26:53 +0000 Oxbridge 124264@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Typical. You do a revised version, then some filthmeister goes and posts his vile fantasies under the original. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124209 Sun, 27 May 2012 16:01:19 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 124209@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think that's better. Lots of people will probably now tell you they preferred the original though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124197 Sun, 27 May 2012 09:19:37 +0000 Drylaw 124197@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's time more celebrities "put something back". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124176 Sat, 26 May 2012 21:15:20 +0000 dvo4fun 124176@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>very funny chaps, stars all round </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124168 Sat, 26 May 2012 17:58:34 +0000 Perks 124168@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I missed the first edit, but love this. *'s for all </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124156 Sat, 26 May 2012 15:33:37 +0000 Oxbridge 124156@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As he fought his brave losing battle with leukaemia, 17-year old Kyle Anderson knew what his last wish was. 'I want to be tugged off by Cheryl Cole. That would be the ultimate happy finish', he told his parents. Alas, it was not to be. Kyle died last week and his family are now slating the 'callous' Geordie songbird for letting him leave this world in misery.</p> <p>'We emailed her management - we got no answer. We rang the X-Factor office - they just sniggered,' said Anderson's grieving dad, Brian. 'All she had to bring was her right hand and a friendly smile. We'd have supplied the kleenex. And the cheerleader's uniform. But no, she's obviously too busy to bother with the fans who made her rich and famous these days.'</p> <p>Cole's attitude is symptomatic of an alarming decline in the willingness of pop stars to meet their followers' heartfelt wishes over the past 50 years, says Charles Murray-Jones, Professor of Dappy From N Dubz Studies at the University of Derby. 'The Rolling Stones combined had sex with over 200 groupies on one three-week tour in 1968, even with Charlie Watts lamentable failure to contribute. Today, the likes of Justin Bieber can't even manage one,' he said sadly.</p> <p>Not all celebrities are quite so selfish, however. When she heard of Kyle's plight, Katie Price volunteered to drive over to the hospice, give him a soapy tit wank in the bathroom and stream it live in HD on her website. Unfortunately, she also wanted to sing some tracks from her latest album, which the family saw as a deal breaker, just in case a miracle recovery was in the offing.</p> <p>Brian Anderson remains bitter, partly at the Make A Wish Foundation, which declined to take up his campaign, but mostly at Cheryl Cole.</p> <p>'Kyle worshipped that woman, even though he was diagnosed with leukaemia the same year she married Ashley. That may be a coincidence, I'm just saying. All my lad wanted was a last hand shandy from the nation's sweetheart, but clearly Little Miss Hoity-Toity doesn't care. Well I won't be buying any more of her music and I hope the 17-year-old boys of Britain find someone nicer to wank over. That'll teach her.'</p> <p>[Digitally remastered with the help of master producer VCG. Hat tips to Beau Jolly and cinquecento] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118550 Sun, 15 Apr 2012 13:34:26 +0000 allmyownstunts 118550@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>five stars with tassels on </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118534 Sun, 15 Apr 2012 06:17:44 +0000 arthurminnit 118534@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>its what i live for. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118520 Sat, 14 Apr 2012 18:28:08 +0000 Gary Stanton 118520@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Never mind sweet cheeks, thanks for banging it back up there x </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118518 Sat, 14 Apr 2012 18:14:10 +0000 arthurminnit 118518@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>errm, no, sorry, didnt laugh at all, not even a wry smile.<br /> not sick enough. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118378 Fri, 13 Apr 2012 12:49:31 +0000 Gary Stanton 118378@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The People have spoken. Fantons everywhere, I kiss your collective face. </p>