http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=david-miliband The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 23 May 2013 20:49:46 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26397#post-72002 Mon, 13 Jun 2011 09:57:29 +0000 Ludicity 72002@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Labour leader Ed Miliband is to undergo a life-changing operation in which surgeons attempt to fit him with what are being described as ‘a seriously large pair of cojones’.</p> <p>‘Ed was already going in to have his adenoids removed,’ explained Deputy Leader Harriet Harman, ‘so we thought why not just flip the trolley round and have him fitted with some balls as well.’</p> <p>It is hoped that the balls will endow Mr Miliband with a much-needed sense of political gravitas, plus what Labour sources are describing as ‘a booming stentorian voice that will shake the very rafters of the House of Commons.’ </p> <p>The decision to operate follows an earlier attempt to fit the Shadow Cabinet with Ed Balls, although this backfired by only going to highlight the absence of balls in their leader.</p> <p>In the 12-hour operation Mr Miliband will be anaesthetised by listening to old Neil Kinnock speeches. Once under, surgeons will fit him with a pair of weighty testicles provided by one of Britain’s many ball donors. The name of the donor is a tightly guarded secret but many believe that they are being supplied by Lord Prescott – raising the possibility that if the adenoid removal and ball-fitting operations become confused, Mr Miliband could spend the rest of his life talking bollocks.</p> <p>The operation is not without risk. Badly fitted balls can lead to political impotence, premature electioneering and possible rejection by the body politic. However, if it works, Mr Miliband will be imbued with a sense of political potency not seen since the days of Margaret Thatcher, Britain’s first recipient of a ball transplant in the 1970s. </p> <p>‘In those early days fitting a person with balls could generate many side-effects,’ explained operating surgeon Sir Magdi Yacoub. ‘In Lady Thatcher’s case, while they helped her to win three general elections, the high testosterone levels eventually drove her mad.’ It is believed that Lady Thatcher later had her balls removed and now keeps them in a jar on her mantelpiece. </p> <p>‘Obviously with a ball transplant there’s always the risk of things going pear-shaped,’ said a visibly nervous Miliband, ‘but I have spoken to my brother David and he assures me that if it all goes wrong then he is prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice, and transplant his entire body into the role of party leader.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13666#post-37144 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 16:48:52 +0000 be reasonable 37144@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have you tried taking more water with it? :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13666#post-37140 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 16:25:47 +0000 Kazytc 37140@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Jeremy Hunt, the UK Government's, Culture Secretary ,announced today, that the state should not, support large families.</p> <p>His remark has sparked an outrage, making parents of large families, look for places to hide, amidst Jeremy Hunt, ordering that a specialist team of Government Baby Hunters, are to sweep the country, seizing every child down, from the families first born, and taking them away in a fleet of government baby detector vans.</p> <p>The new baby detector vans, are now out in full force, in the UK, and parents are advised, that sooner or later the van will track them down.</p> <p>Parents are advised to hand in all children, other than for their first born, those who do, will be given a one off, child amnesty payment, of £5 per child.</p> <p>The children seized by the Government baby hunters, are to be taken to India, where the government allows large families.</p> <p>Jeremy Hunt, has been praised by the rest of the UK government cabinet, for the creation of hundreds of new jobs, as over 5,000 people have now been taken on, as Baby Hunt Officers, whilst 2,000 have been given jobs, as Baby Detector Van Drivers, these jobs will be given to men, so that maternal or emotional attachment, can be avoided, during enforcement.</p> <p>The move is backed wholeheartedly by Theresa May who has passed a motion in support of this new ruling, this will be in the form of a means of assuring that no large families can be re-created in the UK, she has introduced Penal Detector Vans that will work in the same way as Television detector vans.</p> <p>The Penal Detector vans will be able to ferret out any man in the act of enjoying intimate pleasures, once detected men will face harsh new action whereby if he has fathered one child he will have his private parts plugged so that he cannot produce anymore children, if he is found to have removed this plug and subsequently father's a second child he will face a penalectomy to remove his private parts, preventing him from further procreation.</p> <p>Theresa May has well 'matched' the motion of Jeremy Hunt, and created a further 5,000 jobs as Penal Activity Officers, and a further 2,000 jobs as Penal Detector Van drivers, these new jobs will be given to women, made redundant from being full time mothers of formerly large families, it is thought that women will be better equipped to enforce this new ruling, since they will be more likely to be physically detached, from the task of implementing the painful penal penalties. upon the UK male population.</p> <p>The leader of the Labour Party Ed Miliband, has criticised the move, accusing Jeremy Hunt, of being a modern day King Herod, who, in his move, is doing nothing more than robbing Peter to pay Paul, he went on to dub Jeremy Hunt, as 'King Herod Hunt the 2nd'.</p> <p>Jeremy Hunt defending his move, has been heard to say, that Ed Miliband is only critical because he never thought up the excellent idea himself, and that had this motion been in place when he was born, he would never have had to have competed with his brother David, for the leadership of the Labour Party.</p> <p>The move is thought to result in saving the UK 200 billion pounds per year.</p> <p>Free contraception, is being given out to all mothers and married women, between the ages of 16 and 66, and it will be compulsory to take this medication, failure to do so, will result in imprisonment, in an all female prison.</p> <p>The get tough policies of David Cameron, and his cabinet, are meeting with much disdain from the UK electorate.</p> <p>We have interviewed many random women today, and heard the level of disdain....</p> <p>Polly Pampers-Pickles, said that she was most distraught that this terrible new ruling had been passed, as she has 20 children and fears that it will put her out of business, as a kindergarten owner, she went on to say, that she will be bored with no one to play with all day, as she is a huge fan of Polly Pocket who lost her locket.</p> <p>Harriet Huggies-Harman, who has 10 children, said that she is considering emigrating, to save having to lose her children, or having them packed off to India, as her children are not keen on eating curry.</p> <p>Deirdre Dummie-Darling, who has 8 children, was visibly upset and need comforting, as she told us, that she had only just moved to a 10 bedroom house, in order to have enough room for her children, to have a more comfortable life, they had previously lived in a 3 bedroom house, and things were a tad cramped, and her children cried all day, because they kept falling over one another. </p> <p>The move means that she will have to down size her home, and have the inconvenience of another house move. </p> <p>She has been told that the government, are sending a special Australian made Skylifter, to transport her large family home to India, so that 7 of her children can be housed over there, without it costing the Indian government, to provide a large enough shack, for them all to live in.</p> <p>Pamela Peramulator-Patterson, who is Irish, and has 30 children, says she was always happy to hear the 'patter of tiny feet', around her home, and so she adopted 10 of her children, so that she could 'live happily ever after', in what neighbours have dubbed a 'large shoe box', the government are sending an Australian Skylifter, to transport her shoe box home, to India,, and she is terribly upset, as she feels she will have no will to live, without them all. </p> <p>Her 20 prams will be made redundant.</p> <p>Just a few of the unhappy mothers that we have spoken to in the UK. </p> <p>A civil uprising and revolt against this harsh new policy, is expected, starting in Liverpool where 3,000 Scouse mother's have already started protesting, on the steps of Liverpool Town Hall, headed by professional protestors, Peter Caravan-Ambler and Dorothy Atkins-Sky, who lead the protestors into throwing soiled diapers, at council leaders, coming out of the Town Hall.</p> <p>Derek Hatton-Sekonda, was hit by a soiled diaper, which stuck to his head like glue, he tried to hit back at the protestor who threw the diaper at him, that being a Mrs Rita Rattle, who shouted "Cop that lad, you are a load of SHIT", but police retrained him from doing so, he was lead away from the protestors in a raging temper, and looking fine mess, as a result of the diaper attack.</p> <p>Similar protests have been taking place across the UK.</p> <p>We shall of course keep you updated on this story.</p> <p>More news later, watch this space, minus dummies. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13521#post-36723 Tue, 05 Oct 2010 23:49:24 +0000 Kazytc 36723@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ed Miliband the new leader of the Labour Party, has been rushed to hospital, in a serious condition, he is suffering from Swollen Ego Syndrome, the condition is thought to be life threatening for the Labour Party, if he were to remain in it, as it is contagious and spreads rapidly.</p> <p>His brother David raised the alarm, after Ed upon winning the recent contest for leadership of the Labour party, was unable to squeeze through a door in the Labour Party offices, on account of mass swelling of his head.</p> <p>The fire brigade were called to try and free Ed's head, but it was so swollen that they had to cut him out, by cutting a hole in either side of the door architrave, he was given some on site medical treatment, but paramedics watched as his condition worsened, amidst his shouting delirious comments, such as:</p> <p>"I am the best man for the job", </p> <p>"I knew I would win I was meant to" </p> <p>and "I love me, who do you love".</p> <p>David accompanied Ed to the hospital , where they were joined by their mother ,who was so distressed that she was drinking gallons of Polish Vodka in the waiting room, to steady her nerves.</p> <p>Ed Miliband is on an ego support machine, pending the finding of a suitable donor, for a replacement ego, an appeal has gone out for people with a self esteem issue to come forward as a matter of urgency.</p> <p>Police are interviewing vagrants and tramps on the London streets, offering a bribe of £1,000, if any will oblige by donating their ego's, so far with no offers.</p> <p>Former Prime Minister Gordon Brown, tried to use the appeal to his advantage, by offering his ego, but was turned down as doctors thought that it would be fatal to British politics, if they took up his offer.</p> <p>Gordon Brown begged the Miliband brothers to accept, as he needed the £1,000 up for grabs, but they wouldn't budge as they didn't want Ed to go around calling the elderly female electorate, bigots.</p> <p>Another former UK Prime Minister, Tony Blair, also in a bid to make himself look good, in the media spotlight, offered his ego but after some extensive tests, doctors found him to be suffering from the same condition, but he was refused treatment, as he is considered beyond all hope of redemption.</p> <p>Doctors fear that if a suitable donor is not found soon, they will have to rely on London Zoo, to ask if any Gorilla's will oblige. </p> <p>London Zoo are on yellow alert, with vets on standby, pending the outcome of a search for a human donor.</p> <p>We will of course keep you updated on this story.</p> <p>More news later, watch this space. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13187#post-35839 Wed, 29 Sep 2010 14:47:13 +0000 mshumphreycushion 35839@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>David Miliband is expected to announce later today that he will not stand for Shadow Cabinet under his brother Ed’s Leadership. What he will not tell you is the real story behind his decision. Luckily, Ms Cushion (investigative journalist extraordinaire) is on the case..</p> <p>In a leaked (well hacked) email to his brother, David blames Twitter for his retirement. He says that as much as he loved being on the front bench, he can no longer live with himself for causing so much confusion on Twitter. He says that he even considered using his middle name Ivan but MSN voiced concerns. Twitter refused to rename their Direct Messages to Private as that would then force David Cameron to resign. Darn it.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4776#post-13342 Thu, 20 May 2010 09:02:00 +0000 Ludicity 13342@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Olympic mascots Wenlock and Mandeville have become the front-runners in the Labour leadership race. ‘This pair of strange, amorphous, genderless beings are exactly what the party needs,’ said acting leader Harriet Harman, ‘they add colour, diversity and a touch of magic to the leadership campaign.’ </p> <p>The shiny, one eyed mascots launched their bid for the Labour leadership at a school in East London where, like all the other candidates, they proceeded to stand there, flap their arms around a bit and say absolutely nothing. </p> <p>‘Wenlock is probably favourite to take the post having had greater experience in foreign affairs,’ said BBC political editor Nick Robinson, ‘however, many people believe that Mandeville looks cuter and could be more fun.’ </p> <p>Despite being related, both mascots have pledged not to criticise the other. ‘Wenlock and Mandeville love each other very much,’ said their mother, Lord Coe, ‘and they will compete fairly for the Labour leadership, very much in the Olympic tradition.’ </p> <p>The support for Wenlock and Mandeville is seen by many as a direct response to the recent decision by the Conservative Party to adopt their very own fluffy mascot, Nick Clegg. ‘The Labour Party clearly needs a mascot of its own,’ said Lord Mandelson, ‘especially one that I can climb inside and operate myself.’ </p> <p>The arrival of Wenlock and Mandeville has raised expectations that other ‘dark horse’ mascots may also throw their hats into the ring. Other laughable candidates include a running, jumping Big Ben, a giant spinning teapot and Ed Balls. </p> <p>Lord Mandelson rejected suggestions that the Labour Party might be resistant to another one-eyed leader: ‘They may only have one eye,' he said, 'but Wenlock and Mandeville have a singular vision for Britain.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=775#post-2053 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:00:24 +0000 Anonymous 2053@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Lama-ing live" Love it! Nice work. 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=775#post-2052 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:58:18 +0000 Ludicity 2052@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'The Chinese have absolutely nothing to fear from my lamas,' insisted Surrey farmer, Chester Rivet, 'They are all very peaceful and I deliberately keep them ignorant of international politics to avoid any trouble.' </p> <p>However, the Chinese government remains unconvinced. 'The breeding of lamas is not something that we want to see,' said Chinese Foreign Minister, Yang Jiechi, 'They might seem innocent enough grazing in a field in Hazlemere. But what happens if they escape? Before you know it they will be running round the world demanding a free Tibet.'</p> <p>Foreign Secretary, David Miliband, is still holding out for a compromise: 'We are currently looking at the possibility of cross breeding the Dalai Lama with the more docile Panchen Lama,' he said hopefully. However, early attempts to get them to mate are proving difficult since each lama refuses to recognise the other.</p> <p>The issue is made all the more sensitive because we are right in the middle of the lama-ing season. 'So far we have seen a number of live lama births,' said Kate Humble, presenter of BBC 2's <em>Lama-ing Live</em>, 'if only the Chinese could just hold one of these beautiful baby lamas in their hands, then I really think that they would change their minds.'</p> <p>'Lama farms are crucial to the spiritual well being of the world,' said actor and deeply profound man, Richard Gere, 'all my jumpers are made from lama wool and drinking their holy milk imbues me with a wonderful sense of transcendental calm.' </p> <p>Hopes of a diplomatic solution were beginning to fade last night as the Chinese issued the British Government with an ultimatum: 'either close the farm or allow it to be annexed by the People's Republic.' </p> <p>'We can’t just stand by and watch this happen' said Mr Miliband, 'I for one intend to shut my eyes and hope the whole thing just goes away.' </p>