http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=crime The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 23 May 2013 16:26:52 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177561 Sat, 11 May 2013 09:31:50 +0000 brianflan 177561@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Many thanks commentators for taking time in between your busy days to offer advice and have taken on a couple of points that I hope offer a little more to the piece. All new to this so trying to absorb as much as possible without losing my original train of thought </p> <p><strong>Elderly To House Prisoners</strong> </p> <p>Convicted murderers, sex offenders, and terrorists will be used as ‘live in’ companions to help out retirees under a radical new homestay scheme starting next month.</p> <p>Every pensioner with a spare room is being urged to sign up for the ‘Adopt-A-Con’ programme with hosts being paid up to £50 a week for each life sentence prisoner they house in return for providing food and board.</p> <p>Prisoners, in return, will be urged to’ ‘help around the house,’ ‘pick up shopping,’ or ‘refrain from murder.’</p> <p>“With prison overcrowding at historical highs due, in part, to the high number of life sentence prisoners having a single bed cell, it makes perfect business sense to find them alternative accommodation.” Said Nijel Thorpe, Executive Officer for the programme. </p> <p>With community groups finding it increasingly difficult to assist the elderly, proponents of the plan see this as a win-win solution. </p> <p>“We’re after retirees or couples who have empty rooms who want to be part of the solution. For those in social housing, it will also prevent them being slammed with the new bedroom tax.” Added Mr Thorpe.</p> <p><strong>Doubt, but Gran will open her doors</strong></p> <p>She admits to ‘worrying what the neighbours might think’ but 75-year-old retiree Ginny Hendricks will soon open up her home to a carefully selected paedophile.</p> <p>The former housewife and grandmother of fifteen now lives alone and has a spare bedroom after the death of her husband.</p> <p>“I feel quite concerned about the rising cost of living and I thought ‘I can earn a few quid here, I’ve got space’.”</p> <p>She is not fazed by the accusations of naivety from her family “I’ve read a lot about paedophiles in the papers and look at me, I’m hardly their sort. Anyway, with all these burglars and young bloody hooligans causing trouble it will be nice to have a man around the house.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177544 Sat, 11 May 2013 06:40:17 +0000 Al OPecia 177544@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent, 5, - you could add "persistent shop-lifters are in particularly high demand, to help the elderly keep weekly food bills down" or similar. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177494 Fri, 10 May 2013 18:00:08 +0000 Titus 177494@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah. Make the old codgers earn their heating allowance. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177486 Fri, 10 May 2013 16:36:39 +0000 FlashArry 177486@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Worthy of a push back up the page - very funny indeed - </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177419 Fri, 10 May 2013 08:48:38 +0000 Lenny Bee 177419@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I liked it too. Very much.</p> <p>I'd have liked it even more, I suspect, if the scheme had more desperate ministerial 'carrot' in it and less stick. That would have made it even more believable - and funnier. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177397 Fri, 10 May 2013 06:30:14 +0000 weematt 177397@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Best for some time now, FP stuff. Forget the edit time limit and sub again with a version you feel might be better.<br /> I agree with Dick. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177385 Fri, 10 May 2013 05:42:11 +0000 rickwestwell 177385@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You only get 6 hours to edit subs, so you can chuck a new version down here as a comment, and no-one will hold it against you. The editorial team will still see the new version. Probably. </p> <p>More to the point, was it a whole finger? How did that happen then? I can see a nasty cut being possible, no trouble, but a whole finger? What were you cutting it up with, a scythe? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177383 Fri, 10 May 2013 05:32:15 +0000 brianflan 177383@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well it seems like I can no longer edit to iron out my virginal mistakes, so it will have remain it as it is for posterity</p> <p>Never to be dismayed, (although I once was a little down at heel when I lost a finger cutting up an orange) I will once again put my less-than-full compliment of fingers to keyboard and come up with another 250 - 400 words (as per the guidelines which I will stick to for my own irrelevant reasons) that will slightly justify my existence on this planet.</p> <p>BF </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177379 Fri, 10 May 2013 02:48:05 +0000 rickwestwell 177379@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff, the only thing which counts against it is that the real news story might not be too familiar to people (even though it should be). </p> <p>Last line a bit weak, maybe could be a bit surreal, to end on a lighter note? Like "I’ve read a lot about paedophiles in the papers and I'm not worried, not with these feet." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177298 Thu, 09 May 2013 13:53:25 +0000 Titus 177298@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"... worryingly beleivable"</p> <p>Indeed so - always the mark of good satire. 5 * from me. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177281 Thu, 09 May 2013 12:55:52 +0000 Dick Everyman 177281@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like it. The headline caught my eye and the content delivered though para 7 starting Doubt is a bit odd though, did you miss something out?</p> <p>Lots more potential - eg helping the elderly collect their pensions from the post office...growing 'plants' in the greenhouse...helping with computer literacy...</p> <p>Very last line could be stronger. Maybe reference to a similar scheme being introduced for single mothers? Good stuff! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177259 Thu, 09 May 2013 11:14:35 +0000 brianflan 177259@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>That is quite a splendid idea and one I will now crowbar in (in keeping with the theme - I thank you).</p> <p>As a first attempt at this kind of malarky, all suggestions are more than welcome</p> <p>BF </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177249 Thu, 09 May 2013 10:04:55 +0000 NewBiscuit 177249@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, worryingly beleivable.<br /> Is there room for a quote from the old dear about how she doesn't feel safe since her husband died, what with all this crime being reported on the telly, and how she'd be more comfortable with someone else in the house at nights to protect her from the burglars? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177244 Thu, 09 May 2013 09:07:41 +0000 Wrenfoe 177244@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent. (A deeply plausible story) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177237 Thu, 09 May 2013 08:33:12 +0000 brianflan 177237@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Convicted murderers, sex offenders, and terrorists will be used as ‘live in’ companions to help out retirees under a radical new homestay scheme starting next month.</p> <p>Every pensioner with a spare room is being urged to sign up for the ‘Adopt-A-Con’ programme with hosts being paid up to £50 a week for each prisoner they house in return for providing food and board.</p> <p>Prisoners, in return, will be urged to’ ‘help around the house,’ ‘pick up shopping,’ or ‘refrain from murder.’</p> <p>“With prison overcrowding at historical highs due, in part, to the high number of life sentence prisoners having a single bed cell, it makes perfect business sense to find them alternative accommodation.” Said Nijel Thorpe, Executive Officer for the programme. </p> <p>With community groups finding it increasingly difficult to assist the elderly, proponents of the plan see this as a win-win solution. </p> <p>“We’re after retirees or couples who have empty rooms who want to be part of the solution. For those in social housing, it will also prevent them being slammed with the new bedroom tax.” Added Mr Thorpe.</p> <p><strong>Doubt, but Gran will open her door</strong>s</p> <p>She admits to ‘worrying what the neighbours might think’ but 75-year-old retiree Ginny Hendricks will soon open up her home to a carefully selected paedophile.</p> <p>The former housewife and grandmother of fifteen now lives alone and has a spare bedroom after the death of her husband.</p> <p>“I feel quite concerned about the rising cost of living and I thought ‘I can earn a few quid here, I’ve got space’.”</p> <p>She is not fazed by the accusations of naivety from her family “I’ve read a lot about paedophiles in the papers and look at me, I’m hardly their sort. Anyway, I imagine they have some pretty amazing stories.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56976#post-165036 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 14:29:27 +0000 shaggy 165036@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There's no excuse for that, I think he may also be a member of the KKK (or was that the judge?). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56976#post-165033 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 14:23:42 +0000 casualTLE 165033@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The prosecution of Oscar Pistorius over the death of Reeva Steenkamp took another dramatic turn on Thursday after the chief investigator, Hilton Botha, was again recalled to the court following the new revelation that he was facing charges of mis-selling payment protection insurance.</p> <p>Witness for the defence Fictieve Persoon testified: "I assumed we were being kidnapped when our coach was struck by a hail of bullets and forced from the road. But as I was bundled out onto the pavement I caught a whiff of lager on the breath and realised it was the police. My relief, however, turned to fear when someone leaned down to my bloodied head, clicked the safety off his handgun and whispered 'did you take out a mortgage or credit card between 2005 and 2010?'</p> <p>"'Because if so you may be entitled to compensation.'"</p> <p>Although Persoon was told that the no-win no-fee policy meant he had nothing to lose, he was not reassured. "I recognised that voice. It was the same voice that had offered me a mortgage and spelt out in straightforward Afrikaans that my house would be at risk if I did not keep up repayments. He said it didn't have to be that way. At the time it just made... so much... sense. It was only later that I realised that I had been made a victim. And I now know that man was... Hilton Botha."</p> <p>Botha's former sidekick Ongelooflike Leuens also spoke, telling the court: "He always seemed to have more money than you'd expect from a regular detective - I mean the salary, the extortion and the protection money only go so far. When I confronted him about this he admitted to moonlighting as a mortgage broker."</p> <p>Botha's former employer, consumer finance broker Belaglik Nonsens, commented: "Maybe he didn't play by the book. But he got results." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164562 Sat, 23 Feb 2013 21:54:26 +0000 Paddy Berzinski 164562@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good idea. With a bit of polishing this could be a gem. Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164553 Sat, 23 Feb 2013 21:20:27 +0000 casualTLE 164553@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks Shaggy. Yes I think that actually the original story unaltered by me is perhaps more comical; didn't want to stray too far from it: <a href="http://www.entertainmentwise.com/news/106081/One-Direction-Wed-Be-Criminals-If-It-Wasnt-For-Simon-Cowell" rel="nofollow">http://www.entertainmentwise.com/news/106081/One-Direction-Wed-Be-Criminals-If-It-Wasnt-For-Simon-Cowell</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164528 Sat, 23 Feb 2013 20:33:58 +0000 shaggy 164528@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff, although might be funnier if the minority in the band these days was white, rather than black (cf JLS). Just a suggestion not a criticism. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164524 Sat, 23 Feb 2013 20:28:21 +0000 Lens Cap 164524@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As others have said, really good. FP is the Front Page in the main part of the site. There is one main article a day and two smaller ones </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164523 Sat, 23 Feb 2013 20:26:41 +0000 casualTLE 164523@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks! Sorry but what do you mean by FP? Am a bit of a Luddite </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164390 Sat, 23 Feb 2013 02:33:30 +0000 Jammydodgers 164390@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Found this realy funny once I looked up wtf 1D was.<br /> Anyhoo... Please FP this cos I wanna share somewhere all my daughters vacuous FB friends** will see it!*.<br /> cinq etoile!<br /> * does this make me a bad father? or just a father?!</p> <p>(** They're all actually lovely really apart from the small bit about knowing whether you've been born or not!) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164376 Sat, 23 Feb 2013 01:11:31 +0000 FlashArry 164376@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice one cas - stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164321 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 21:57:09 +0000 button 164321@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Really like this. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164317 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 20:49:51 +0000 Boutros 164317@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>vey good!</p> <p>nice typo too.. "underlass street life" ! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164313 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 20:12:12 +0000 dvo4fun 164313@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it - worth stars for the headline alone </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164310 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 19:56:59 +0000 Golgo13 164310@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164301 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 18:29:01 +0000 Squudge 164301@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>you can still edit your sub for the next 5 hours (for as long as the #EDIT tag is up below your sub). You may get much better ideas from other biscuits.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56789#post-164300 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 18:27:02 +0000 casualTLE 164300@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks; yes I had to dash off.. missed a golden opportunity to use the word 'bitchin', which is unforgivable </p>