http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=crabs The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 09:14:05 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16426#post-44460 Mon, 22 Nov 2010 13:54:58 +0000 Oxbridge 44460@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>AOH yes! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16426#post-44451 Mon, 22 Nov 2010 13:15:44 +0000 Gary Stanton 44451@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks folks - nice to see this in the top ten.<br /> Gerontius - I like the moustache. We can definitely work with that I think. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16426#post-44409 Mon, 22 Nov 2010 11:13:21 +0000 Gerontius 44409@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Made my nose run<br /> Top stuff Gary, here take these 5* and wrap up warm<br /> Now, any chance of that hand job you promised </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16426#post-44361 Mon, 22 Nov 2010 09:45:54 +0000 IABP 44361@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think that's Limpet </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16426#post-44353 Mon, 22 Nov 2010 09:20:28 +0000 riesler 44353@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Isn't he that ex-MP in the jungle? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16426#post-44350 Mon, 22 Nov 2010 09:17:34 +0000 Gary Stanton 44350@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following his admission that condoms may be useful in preventing the transmission of the HIV virus, Pope Benedict XVII is expected to announce a change in attitude to paracetemol-based products designed to relieve the symptoms of the common cold.</p> <p>The cold virus and its sister virus “the flu” infect up to two billion people every year, most of them men, and are responsible for debilitating symptoms such as a sore throat, runny nose and the urge to phone in sick in a whiny fucking voice and sound as though you were dying. </p> <p>Many in the church have hitherto believed that the application of medicines in powder form to a hot drink amounts to sorcery and the church remains unlikely to change its attitude to Vicks Vapo Rub, which it regards as an abomination, especially when applied to a magnificent pair of breasts.</p> <p>The shift in position follows research by top theologians who spent night after night scanning the Bible in search of a cold remedies, and eventually came to the conclusion that it may be morally justifiable to use Lemsip or rival product Beechams . </p> <p>Cardinal Usepe Alonso, tipped by many to be the next Pope, said: </p> <p>“Imagine you are a male prostitute, I sometimes do, and your main source of income is to allow your punters to go bareback. One evening you may find yourself with all the symptoms of a full on head-cold. The church would view it as permissible to offer your punter a perfunctory hand-job before downing a powder, apologising and heading off early to bed. “</p> <p>“This has to be preferable to some kind of sweaty clinch in a back street where you give in to your innermost desires and allow yourself to be taken over and over again by some great big stud, probably a dark-eyed Italian, who is not lacking in the trouser department. At least in God’s eyes. “</p> <p>To infect this man with your cold would be contrary to church doctrine and you could expect a five to ten year stretch in purgatory, although there’d be no shortage of hardcore action. </p> <p>Last night, Marco Di Matteo , a rent boy from Padua, who welcomes The Church’s new thinking, said: </p> <p>‘Since I take a the Lemsip Extra, there’s no way I let my cold keep me from finishing my shift, which, on a good night, can number anything up to twenty punters. Cold? What cold? You gotta be kidding me ! ’</p> <p>‘I’m buggered if it’s going to help with my AIDS though.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8923#post-23961 Thu, 22 Jul 2010 09:37:47 +0000 Skylarking 23961@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Personally, I can never find the Cilit Bang when I need it...</p> <p>(as all good arms traders say "well someone else would have done it if I hadn't") </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8923#post-23946 Thu, 22 Jul 2010 09:09:57 +0000 Mary Evans 23946@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You silly boy. Arf arf. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8923#post-23925 Thu, 22 Jul 2010 08:07:40 +0000 jp1885 23925@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following news that Durex condoms is set to be sold to the makers of Cillit Bang, government health officials have announced that Barry Scott, frontman for the popular cleaning product, has been given the job of advising the nation on issues of sexual health.</p> <p>Speaking at a specially convened press conference, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley told journalists that appointing Scott was an obvious move. 'With the makers of Cillit Bang now producing the UK's most popular contraceptive, it is only logical to have the face of that product advising us on such matters. Plus we have the added advantage of Barry's calm and measured way of getting his message across.' 'Hi, I'm Barry Scott!' Scott concurred, 'One chat with me and BAM! You're sexual health questions are answered!'</p> <p>However the appointment has already drawn considerable criticism, following a disastrous trial consultation in which Scott invited shoppers at the Bluewater shopping centre to discuss their problems in a private booth. 'I went in to discuss my erectile dysfunction,' revealed one anonymous consultee, 'and all I got was a lecture on how to give my surfaces a super-shiny gleam, before being advised to massage my prostate gland and 'BAM!' no more flaccidity! All this at the top of his voice - I couldn't look the people queuing outside in the eye when I walked out.'</p> <p>Scott is also facing allegations of causing actual bodily harm with his no-nonsense approach to dealing with sexually transmitted diseases. An undercover reporter for the Daily Mirror has described how he consulted Scott, claiming to have caught pubic lice during a one night stand. Scott is alleged to have said to the reporter 'Hi! I'm Barry Scott! One squirt of new Cillit Bang industrial strength oven cleaner and BAM! Say goodbye to those crabs!' The reporter is currently being treated for second-degree chemical burns to the scrotum and is expected to be able to sit down sometime in the next six months. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1173#post-3020 Fri, 19 Mar 2010 03:42:18 +0000 thecritic 3020@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>And we all remember what Neil Fox had to say about crabs. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1173#post-3014 Thu, 18 Mar 2010 23:40:12 +0000 Quaz 3014@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Turn them over, stab them with a sharp knife or screwdriver, boil them for 20 mins, then serve with lemon and nice fresh bread. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1173#post-2996 Thu, 18 Mar 2010 21:41:57 +0000 The All New Jeni B 2996@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There is no way you'd be able to discreetly as the Chemist for advice with those hanging off your rocks. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1173#post-2995 Thu, 18 Mar 2010 21:38:37 +0000 theumpire 2995@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>for a bad case of the crabs . . . </p> <p><img src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/_mPtvTpEO7Dk/S0jsH-rGoqI/AAAAAAAAAKw/cscisP-PS_E/DSC01037.JPG"> </p>