http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=conservative-party The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:06:23 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49326#post-142415 Tue, 09 Oct 2012 07:30:38 +0000 pinxit 142415@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for that @newworld. I'll take those points on board. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49326#post-142357 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:49:16 +0000 pinxit 142357@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks Martin. Much appreciated! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49326#post-142352 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 14:51:41 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 142352@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Pinx strikes again with another winner.</p> <p>I doff me hat Sir! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49326#post-142350 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 14:47:03 +0000 pinxit 142350@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An emergency dental unit has been hurriedly set up, 'as a precaution', at the Conservative Party conference in Birmingham, after the Pope became the latest victim of what has been dubbed 'Hampstead Heath Syndrome'.</p> <p>Pope Benedict XVI was making a statement denying any knowledge of institutional child abuse by members of the clergy during his time as the Vatican’s top doctrinal official in the 1980's and '90s, when he appeared to stumble over his words and began spitting out shattered shards of teeth. The clearly distressed pontiff was escorted off the plinth by aides and taken to an ante-room, before emerging briefly to wave and reassure the shocked crowds.</p> <p>A Vatican spokesman said, 'His Holiness suffered a temporary oral malfunction and is currently comfortable in hospital under sedation. There is no permanent damage, as it was his dentures <em>(which he has worn since wartime deprivations in the Hitler Youth Movement)</em> that were affected.'</p> <p><img src="http://i830.photobucket.com/albums/zz223/pinxit2/Satire/POPETEETH.jpg"><br /> <em>Hell's teeth! : The Pope puts a brave face on it as he exits the Vatican after the interrupted Papal Bull…</em></p> <p>This latest incident follows an increasing wave of dental failure involving prominent public figures over the last few months. Tony Blair, Kelvin MacKenzie, Andrew Mitchell, James Murdoch and US Presidential candidate Mitt Romney have all suffered sudden attacks of HHS, with both real teeth and dentures ejecting themselves as they were speaking in public.</p> <p>Tory party Grandees fear that such an occurrence may happen to Cabinet members, including the Prime Minister and the Chancellor, at this week's conference so have drafted in a consultant orthodontist to give them all a pre-speech check-up.</p> <p>'The human molars are incredibly strong, but also incredibly sensitive,' says dental consultant Professor Neville Brodie. 'After many years of chronic abuse there's only so much they can take. The HH syndrome seems to affect the back teeth first, the rot permeating to the front, with the molars eventually ejecting themselves from the mouth, roots and all.' </p> <p>'The condition has been around for years, the most spectacular during Bill Clinton's 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' ejaculation in 1998.' says Brodie, 'But, with the proliferation of media interviews, demands on public figures to speechify and testify at enquiries - as these all increase year on year - this could explain the latest outbreak.'</p> <p>'It's bound to happen. When people have been 'economic with the vérité' through their teeth for years, something's got to give.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44959#post-128660 Thu, 05 Jul 2012 08:29:31 +0000 Timerman 128660@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>David Cameron has made an official statement denying that the UK is actually sinking fast under the Cameron government, he states that the huge amount of rain that has fallen over the past weeks is responsible.</p> <p>William Hague has defended the prime minister by denying that the UK is sinking faster than the economy, in a vain attempt to seek credibility William Hague is reported to have said that the claims made by Former Prime Minister Tony Blair about the repeated failure by the Border Control agency to curb immigration was to blame.</p> <p>Mr Blair specifically pointed the finger at the UK Border agency by saying their total and utter disregard for monitoring immigration influx was responsible for the UK sinking due to the weight of the illegal immigrants. Good old Blighty can no longer cope with more weight claimed Tony Blair, Hague however, denies this saying it is just an abnormality in the weather, and nothing to do with the UK's strict austerity measures.</p> <p>A leading scientist has backed Mr Blair by saying that the UK seemed to be sinking from the south East, which just happens to be home of Dover and the Channel Tunnel, where most immigrants arrive into the UK.</p> <p>Theresa May of the conservative party say's if we can evenly distribute the illegal immigrants across the UK, this may help stop the immediate problem of the UK sinking, this is in direct conflict with the leaders statement denying any responsibility.</p> <p>Vince Cable of the Lib Dem's has suggested a new factory should be built in the west midlands to manufacture plastic buckets, these could then be distributed to the unemployed too try and help bail out the flooded areas across the UK. Deputy Leader Nick Clegg however has said he will do what David Cameron tells him, as the Lib Dems have now reached the conclusion they have a cat in hells chance of retaining any parliamentary seats in the next General election and he looks forward to an early retirement. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3120#post-74191 Sun, 26 Jun 2011 21:26:31 +0000 OllieP 74191@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Genghis, have you dreamed up cathrink007 just to bump up a story from over a year ago? If so, I'm very impressed.</p> <p>Plus I think a number of the regular visitors to Blackpool would probably be very grateful for the number of someone who could help them with their waterworks during their stay. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3120#post-8971 Fri, 23 Apr 2010 09:38:30 +0000 Genghis Cohen 8971@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a surprise move the Conservative Party has called on Joe the Plumber, hero of the 2008 US presidential election campaign, to help them repair Britain’s broken society. ‘It is only by supporting small businesses like Joe’s that we will kick-start the economic recovery,’ said David Cameron, ‘and I can’t think of anyone better qualified to help when this country is up its neck in Brown.’</p> <p>Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, who was recruited by the Republicans after challenging Barack Obama on his tax plans during the 2008 campaign, admitted having to think long and hard before agreeing to enter frontline British politics. ‘I’ve had a good look round,’ he said, sighing and shaking his head. ‘Looks like you’ve had some real cowboys in here. It’s gonna be a big job to sort all this out, and I can’t start before next week.’</p> <p>The Conservatives have been quick to deny accusations from the other parties that enlisting Joe’s help is simply a publicity stunt. ‘We found his number in the Yellow Pages and called him for a quote,’ explained David Cameron. ‘Our number one priority is wooing the ordinary voter. There are too many people in this election who have yet to make up their minds, and Joe will be the first tell you that these floaters are no good for anyone when what we need to be doing is taking decisive action to flush away this soiled government. If you find yourself following one of them into the polling booth, his clear advice is to give it a few minutes.’</p> <p>Conservatives were hoping Joe would join the campaign trial yesterday morning in the key marginal seat of Ealing Central and Acton, but he couldn’t be any more specific than guaranteeing to get there sometime between 8am and 6pm, and when he did finally show he didn’t have the parts. Lord Ashcroft was also reported to be outraged after learning that all Joe’s appearances would be subject to a £120 call-out fee, with an £80 hourly rate thereafter.</p> <p>Last night the Tories appeared to be in full retreat and their immigration policy in tatters after they confirmed that the work would instead be done by Jozef the Plumber, originally from Warsaw, who will work twice as hard for half the price and promises not to stop for Tea Parties every hour. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2197#post-6475 Thu, 08 Apr 2010 10:11:33 +0000 Darkbill 2.0 6475@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Conservative party has denied that the launch of a new range of revealing swimwear and lingerie by party leader David Cameron’s wife Samantha has been timed to coincide with the election.</p> <p>Sami’s Cami’s were developed with fashion giant Karl Lagerfeld and include a 15-piece range of bikinis, thongs and teddies which accompanying adverts say will turn the Tory party into the Phwoarry Party.</p> <p>However, the party has come under fire for using images of Conservative ladies modelling Mrs Cameron’s lingerie as part of its latest electoral poster campaign. Pictures of Ann Widdecombe wearing a basque are said to have caused a four car pile up on the A303. W H Smith has refused to stock magazines featuring the range of adverts, including one of Shadow Works and Pensions secretary Theresa May wearing nothing but a black bodystocking. Smith's move is in response to a number of complaints from worried parents about the ads.</p> <p>“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the thought of our local MP dressed up in pantyhose and a bra,” said Carol Cushing, a concerned mother of two from Lowestoft, “especially when he doesn’t really suit it.”</p> <p>The posters, which feature slogans like, “Knickers to the opposition’ and ‘The Conservatives are getting changed’, have already been hoaxed by internet pranksters. Fake slogans, such as ‘I’ve never voted Conservative before; because they’re pants’, have been added by web wags.</p> <p>Mr Cameron meanwhile has dismissed the criticism as a ‘storm in a D cup’ and said that his wife’s background in the luxury goods sector meant that it inevitable she would eventually launch her own fashion line.</p> <p>“Really, this is just an extension of Samantha’s own personal style,” said Mr Cameron, “many’s the time I’ve come home from a hard day at the political coal face to find Sam preparing a traditional family meal in a comfortable lace teddy. And in summer, people barely bat an eyelid at her doing the school run in a one-piece bikini. Personally, I resent the implication that I might be using my shapely wife as some form of political capital. I can’t help it if she isn’t some frumpy old boiler, as I imagine some other party leader’s wives might be.”</p> <p>When asked how much input he had into the clothing, Mr Cameron smirked and said, “I’ve always been very hands on.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=351#post-1127 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 21:51:35 +0000 Ludicity 1127@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Most kind. May you all be visited by a mystery benefactor. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=351#post-1097 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 18:35:52 +0000 sauce 1097@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>And for the airbrushing and maths! </p> <p>Have you got a fan club yet, Ludo? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=351#post-1079 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 15:59:31 +0000 MADJEZ 1079@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Belter ! Worth top marks for the headline alone. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=351#post-1036 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 10:08:20 +0000 Ludicity 1036@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In the show, the millionaire benefactor visits an ailing political party and restores its fortunes by pumping in millions of pounds. "He was amazing" said Dave, a community worker, "he turned up, took a look at the shambles we had got ourselves into and slapped £4 million on the table just like that." "We couldn't believe our luck," added George, a trainee project worker, "Good old Mr Ashcroft. He's a real life saver."</p> <p>The Channel 4 show, to be broadcast next week, shows how Lord Ashcroft would disguise himself as a regular party worker, even though he was in fact an international businessman from Belize with an estimated fortune of £1,100 million. "He really doesn't like to talk about money," said Dave, "and after all he has done for us we certainly didn't want to embarrass him by raising the issue."</p> <p>Lord Ashcroft has recently revealed his tax status as that of a Non-Dom. "I prefer to see him as a Con-Dom," said Dave, "He's a bit rubbery and difficult to live with at times but he does offer us crucial protection."</p> <p>"It is nice to think that with all my money I can make a real difference to ordinary people's lives," said Lord Ashcroft, "and when I saw these Old Etonians in trouble I knew that I had to step in and do something to help." The money has already paid for Dave to have a crucial operation to airbrush his face and for George to attend remedial maths lessons.</p> <p>"As a billionaire I feel that I have a duty to give something back to society," said Lord Ashcroft, "although obviously, not in the form of tax." </p>