http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=conservative The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 26 May 2013 04:46:22 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165725 Sat, 02 Mar 2013 00:54:51 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 165725@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>We need more appreciation of feedback of that calibre around here. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165719 Sat, 02 Mar 2013 00:30:33 +0000 andrewl81 165719@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks. Genuinely appreciated the feedback. All taken on board. I'll go away and edit. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165675 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 21:27:59 +0000 shaggy 165675@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>maybe 'to instigate reviews after failure of lies at by-election'? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165670 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 21:11:25 +0000 Yikes 165670@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good - FP material.</p> <p>Agree with VCG and Sinnick's points.</p> <p>Maybe 2nd last para ends with "start working on some pretty big lying" it could continue with adding a snappy and humourous example. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165578 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 13:50:45 +0000 Sinnick 165578@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, like it. 4*. Love the Bulgaria sentence.</p> <p>Agree with VCG's point, the punchline needs, er, more punch.</p> <p>If I had to pick at it, the title might be a little more succinct. Also, you could use other words or phrases to replace the word "lie" - eg, exaggerate, promise, misrepresent, misunderstand, fib, porkies, economical with truth, etc, etc. You could get away with the word or alternatives even more frequently - to good effect.</p> <p>Could mention a training course at Munchausen University ? (sorry, I just made that up) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165574 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 13:35:55 +0000 Titus 165574@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah - good theme. Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165570 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 13:21:05 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 165570@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like this.</p> <p>"marginal and slightly racist liars" is a wonderful description of UKIP.</p> <p>I think it would end a little more strongly if you changed "start lying" to "get back to those sort of lies" or something. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165564 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 12:00:33 +0000 andrewl81 165564@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The National Executive of both the Conservative Party and the Labour Party have promised to undertake a wide ranging review looking at the quality of their lies after voters in Eastleigh turned their backs the falsehoods offered by the mainstream parties.</p> <p>At the by election, caused by the resignation of legendary Lib Dem liar Chris Huhne, voters elected Mike Thornton. </p> <p>Commentators have speculated that the Liberal Democrat had won the seat after personally lying to the whole constituency. </p> <p>Local political commentator and expert on local lying Scamp Rake said, "Mike Thornton promised us all that his council would not build houses on green belt land. And then he did. That's an incedible piece of lying. When you add that to the Nick Clegg's lying over the Rennard affair and NHS reform and Student Loans you can see the efforts the Lib Dems are putting in to getting those lies out there." </p> <p>In a stunning result for marginal and slightly racist liars UKIP the voters of Eastleigh took a clear shine to their fable that 70% of Bulgaria was going to move to the constituency unless UKIP was elected.</p> <p>Scamp Rake had harsh words for David Cameron on the quality of his lying, "The Conservatives aren't lying. They are quite openly being cunts. If David Cameron wants to start winning back former Tory voters then he needs to start working on some pretty big lying. </p> <p>A former Labour party member in the constituency claimed he couldn't back Ed Milliband until he know what lies he stands for. The voter said, "Normally when it comes to lying I'd back Labour 100%. I, like many party members remember fondly the lie that took us into a war in Iraq, but that was a long, long time ago. If Ed Milliband wants to be taken seriously he needs to start lying" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29352#post-82361 Wed, 17 Aug 2011 19:27:36 +0000 Anon321 82361@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thousands of prospective university students have experienced yet another examination gaffe after several examination boards failed to remember to send results to the schools. Following on from the various impossible questions set in many papers over the summer, the accidental release of results to students taking the Scottish Higher Course and Edexcel releasing results over the weekend, we are now seeing what is widely regarded as the biggest mistake of all.</p> <p>However, for some unknown reason a higher proportion of public schools have been affected by this incident in comparison with the private schools. Michael Gove, the Education Secretary appeared shocked and defensive when questioned, but did release the following statement: “Obviously we regret what has happened, but see no need to jump to any wild conclusions”.</p> <p>In other news, the intake of students from an independent school background to the Conservative party is set to dramatically rise once more, reaching previously unprecedented levels. Senior MP's could offer no reason as to why this may be. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26971#post-74087 Sat, 25 Jun 2011 16:02:52 +0000 Christopher Frost 74087@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Prime Minister announced radical proposals today, which he believes will help protect children from the 'corrupting influence' of left-wing websites.</p> <p>Under the plans, internet service providers are to be given six months to devise and implement an effective filtering system. Perverted adults will still be able to access the offensive material, however they will first have to contact their ISP in order to opt-in.</p> <p>Speaking to reporters, Mr Cameron said: 'Research shows us that one in three under-tens has viewed a left-wing website, while four out of five children aged 14 to 16 admit to regularly accessing leftist material online. It is therefore clear that we must act now in order to protect Britain’s future.'</p> <p>When challenged, he brushed aside calls to preserve the status quo, which places responsibility on parents to monitor their children’s online habits. He retorted: 'With so many degenerate left-wing adults in this country, the government simply must do the honourable thing and step in.'</p> <p>If legislation does prove necessary, the likelihood of a Liberal Democrat rebellion appears remote, with strong rumours suggesting that Nick Clegg has brokered a deal with the Prime Minister allowing the exemption of pro-Lib Dem websites.</p> <p>Cameron's announcement came only days after a special edition of Panorama lifted the lid on the depravity of online leftism. Whilst softcore sites contain only mildly objectionable content such as the espousal of racial equality, the hardcore sites stoop so low as to advocate economic equality. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14255#post-38547 Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:29:10 +0000 dogwheels 38547@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Evil demon-lord Sauron has failed in his bid to lead the American political movement known as the Tea Party after activists branded his agenda too liberal.</p> <p>He has even been dubbed 'Red Sauron', with party members apparently rejecting his promise to unite the entire earth under his tyrannical and murderous rule as being too much of a "soft approach" to solving the deficit and defeating terrorism.</p> <p>A party insider said: "Lord Suaron knew he needed Sarah Palin's support to win the leadership, otherwise he'd only ever be a small fish in the party."</p> <p>Sauron made an eleventh-hour attempt to win Palin's support late last night in a meeting held behind closed doors.</p> <p>But he emerged only minutes later in tears, stopping to tell reporters that Palin was "one mean b**ch."</p> <p>A source close to the Dark Lord has been quoted as saying that he has decided to retire from front-line politics, claiming he didn't have enough evil in his little finger to compete. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13631#post-36993 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 10:04:05 +0000 mshumphreycushion 36993@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Introducing:</p> <p>David Cameron as Thomas the Tank Engine</p> <p>Tony, Edward and Gordon as themselves</p> <p>Rt Hon Eric Pickles as the Fat Controller</p> <p>Narrator played mischieviously by Ms Cushion<br /> * * * * * * </p> <p>Thomas: - I spend my time pulling coaches about, ready for you to take out on journeys!</p> <p>Narrator:- The other engines laughed.</p> <p>Thomas: - Why can’t I pull passenger trains, too?!</p> <p>Tony, Edward, and Gordon: - You’re too impatient. You’d be sure to leave something behind.</p> <p>Thomas: - Rubbish! I’ll show you!</p> <p> * * * * * * * </p> <p>Thomas - It is an honour and a privilege to stand here, before the party I lead, before the country I love, as the Conservative prime minister of the United Kingdom.</p> <p>I want to tell you today, in the clearest terms I can, what we must do together, and what we can achieve together.</p> <p>Narrator - Yes Thomas but you are scaring all the passengers</p> <p>Thomas - Look what we’ve done in five months. Just imagine what we can do in five years…</p> <p>The Fat Controller: - Hello! Remember, don’t be impatient, Thomas. You can never be as strong and fast as Gordon, but you can be a really useful engine. Don’t let the silly fucks[s] trucks tease you.</p> <p>Thomas: - From top-down to bottom-up. From state power to people power. The big society spirit blasting through. Peep! Peep! Peep!</p> <p>Narrator- -Well, it made me laugh anyway…<br /> * * * * </p> <p>Real excerpts taken from the Thomas the Tank Engine series written by the Rev WV Awdry and David Camerons 2010 Conservative Conference speech. Some other bits totally made up : )</p> <p>(P.S.. some people (2678 on Facebook ) seem to think Dave looks more like Hooray Henry… )</p> <p><a href="http://mshumphreycushion.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/51m5r9z996l.jpg">Henry and the tunnel</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13426#post-36460 Mon, 04 Oct 2010 13:44:13 +0000 Bhachgen 36460@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>London Mayor Boris Johnson today announced he was to step down from the post with immediate effect. In a move that has left commentators, supporters and opponents stunned, Johnson said “How can I possibly be considered to have a political mandate when only 45% of the electorate actually bothered to use their vote? Millions of hard-working Londoners are affected by my capricious policies and this situation really cannot be allowed to continue any longer”.</p> <p>As some of the audience at his party’s conference in Birmingham started to wake up and realise that someone was speaking to them, Johnson added “And when one considers that the Conservatives and our coalition partners the Liberal Democrats only received 38% of the vote between us, one has to ask whether Dave and Gideon can possibly continue with their nakedly and blatantly far-right programme of cuts?” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2370#post-7393 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 21:53:48 +0000 The All New Jeni B 7393@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I thought all Embra bots were smooth anyway. It's those west coasters that have spotty, hairy arses. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2370#post-7391 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 21:51:20 +0000 virtuallywill 7391@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I am from Edinburgh, though my bot is quite smooth. Then I would say that. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2370#post-7384 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 21:24:58 +0000 The All New Jeni B 7384@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Or a stout neck and strong shoes. But that's normally just for tossing the caber.</p> <p><em>Please note, under <strong><u>no</strong></u> circumstances should you ever ask a big hairy arsed caber tossing Scotsman if this is a euphemism. It <strong>will</strong> result in the rectal insertion of said caber.</em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2370#post-7383 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 21:11:04 +0000 virtuallywill 7383@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You need stout shoes and a strong neck.<br /> <strong>I have never used that sentence before</strong> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2370#post-7353 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 17:11:04 +0000 The All New Jeni B 7353@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ah, that can happen if you turn around really quickly. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2370#post-7351 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 16:44:55 +0000 virtuallywill 7351@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It is the men who are back to front, kilts in the correct order... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2370#post-7015 Sun, 11 Apr 2010 22:32:25 +0000 The All New Jeni B 7015@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>These are NOT real Scotsmen.</p> <p>They have neither the necessary blue tinge to the skin, nor the beer guts.</p> <p>Oh, and their kilts are back-to-front. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2370#post-7001 Sun, 11 Apr 2010 22:00:51 +0000 virtuallywill 7001@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Alba seeing you later... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2370#post-6999 Sun, 11 Apr 2010 21:59:09 +0000 virtuallywill 6999@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://www.gaypsychologist-sf-contracosta.org/images/real_men.gif"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1695#post-4708 Mon, 29 Mar 2010 21:18:15 +0000 TerribleTim 4708@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Conservative party today unveiled controvertial new election pledges in the face of fierce critisism from both Labour and Liberal MPs. Speaking on the BBC leader David Cameron explained how his party would work to help families, if elected at the forthcoming general election.</p> <p>"The Conservatives recognise the hardships that decent British families have been subjected to under this failed Labour government and that is why we will put the family<br /> at the centre of our policies when we take power. We want to take the pressure off busy parents and to achieve this we will be launching a new national family support phone service. Callers will be able to request free childminding from Boris Johnson who can be booked on any weekday evening. If that wasn't enough we want to help feed the nation and Nigella Lawson will be available to cook for families after a long day at work. We also recognise the importance of tranport in the lives of the modern family and the new George Osborne car wash will free up time for busy people to put their feet up and listen to The Archers on a Sunday. And if all of this was is not enough I will personally come around to your home and do your ironing. Proof that the Conservatives put the family first."</p> <p>Labour leader Gordon Brown laughed down the Tory plans saying "This is typical Tory electioneering. How do they propose to pay for this service after last weeks pledge to provide free tea and cake for all pensioners?". Meanwhile Liberal leader Nick Clegg condemned the proposals as unworkable. "As usual the Tories haven't thought things through. It doesn't take a genious to know that Boris Johnson would never be able to find the right house, let alone arrive on time. As for the half baked cooking proposal we have all seen Nigellas recipes and they are mostly chocolate. Hardly a healthy endorsement is it?".</p> <p>In spite of public criticism of the Conservative proposals insiders believe that they could sway undecided voters in what is exected to be a very closely fought election year. Rumours persist that Labour are aiming to woo voters with a new Alistair Darling Shoe Shine campaign while the Liberals are putting the finishing touches on a policy document that would see Vince Cable come around and mow your lawn. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1028#post-2607 Tue, 16 Mar 2010 15:43:29 +0000 jp1885 2607@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Another in a long line of good 'uns, oh WoTM-in-waiting! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1028#post-2604 Tue, 16 Mar 2010 15:34:02 +0000 Ludicity 2604@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'In the last General Election 39% of the electorate didn't vote,' said Apathist leader, Kevin Dullard, 'if that figure were translated into parliamentary seats we could win an overall majority. Not that we would bother to turn up of course.'</p> <p>Speaking at the Apathy party conference, a lacklustre affair at The Dog and Duck, Chipping Norton, Kevin said: 'We have no idea how to run the country and we haven’t got any policies, so in that sense we combine the very best of both Labour and Conservative.' </p> <p>A recent boost in the opinion polls coincides with the launch of The Apathist election manifesto. 'I say manifesto,' confessed Kevin, 'it's really just a few ideas scribbled on the back of a fag packet.' The manifesto will be accompanied by a Post-it note campaign with the slogan: 'I’ve never voted before and chances are I won't be bothering this time either.'</p> <p>'We cannot underestimate the power of the 'shrug vote',' said Peter Kellner of polling organisation YouGov, 'we used to get quite a lot of 'don't knows' but now it is mostly 'don't cares' and 'they're all the bloody sames'. The Apathy Party don't even have a campaign strategy but they could very well win this election by default.'</p> <p>The success of the Apathists is all the more remarkable since they have one of the lowest party memberships in the country. 'Our lack of members only goes to show just how popular we are,' said Kevin, 'basically, it's just me and my girlfriend Sharon – and she's thinking of leaving.' </p> <p>The core vote for Apathy is among so called 'young people'. Various attempts to politically engage them have so far proved unsuccessful despite a recent pledge by Dermot O'Leary to sleep with every first time voter. Meanwhile, next month, Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg will attempt to get down with the youth in a BBC3 Election Break-Dance Special. </p> <p>'It doesn’t matter what they do,' said Kevin, 'nothing can stop the march of the Apathists...Except perhaps the Nihilists – but don’t waste your vote on them. That would be pointless.' </p>