http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=clegg The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 00:14:40 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57056#post-165249 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 22:11:33 +0000 Rizla 165249@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>First attempt at this sort of thing. Feedback welcome so I can improve. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57056#post-165245 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 21:46:35 +0000 Rizla 165245@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>After it was revealed that unemployment in Britain was up to around 98%, new questions were today raised as to the job market's competency. </p> <p>"It has been several years since the job market has hit its targets, and its time for it to go." said John Everyman, the shadow job market secretary. </p> <p>The job market suffered further embarrassment after allegations pertaining to Nick Clegg's employment status were made public this afternoon.</p> <p>"The rumour is that Nick Clegg is just some incompetent, unpaid intern, gaining work experience so he can eventually apply for a job as a shelf stacker in Somerfield. But I haven't been made aware of this rumour myself, so I can't act on it." wrote Nick Clegg in a leaked memo to himself.</p> <p>On social media site "Bleater", the job market refused to take responsibility for the shocking state of the job market, bleating that it was doing its best, its mother was proud of it, and if the previous job market hadn't been so reckless by throwing people into jobs willy-nilly, we wouldn't be facing the crisis that we currently are. The post was re-bleated several thousand times and ended up in a race-hate filled argument about atheism. </p> <p>Whether or not the job market will step down remains to be seen, but one thing is quite clear. @Mustafashat is a total nazi douchebag, God doesn't exist you stupid foreign bastard. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-165084 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 21:19:07 +0000 Squudge 165084@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Get the admin to 'out' the crapper - there have been too many troll tags lately </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56991#post-165080 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 20:57:52 +0000 geokay 165080@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Traces of Rennard have been found in several lady Liberal Democrat activists it was revealed today.<br /> General Manager Nick Clegg said that the discovery had played havoc with the party's Eastleigh branch which is now expected to close down completey on Thursday.<br /> Former Lib Dem Chris Huhne advised that the ladies in question are not harmful but should be gently coerced before being served up on a media platter. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-165070 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 20:32:04 +0000 Yikes 165070@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think this is a great idea and wonder if the headline could more obviously reference the Rennard affair - ie something like "God only aware of non-specific allegations against humanity".</p> <p>And then some introductory bit about God being aware of the odd war, financial meltdown, and that the Jews might have had the odd difficulty here and there, but it is not like he is peering into everyone's bedroom like some omniscient pervert.</p> <p>He relies on his staff to monitor the nitty gritty stuff and bring him updates, like for example Cardinal misconduct, the Pope's resignation, and the latest score from the Liverpool match ... and then back into your blame game between the Trinity ...</p> <p>Just some thoughts .. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-165054 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 17:35:05 +0000 Perks 165054@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I would ignore the tag. If its anonymous then it's not really a valid opinion. </p> <p> I like it, and thanks for the generous hat tip! Agree with Blair (well not with Blair more about the swap). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-165053 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 17:03:27 +0000 Sinnick 165053@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, Tony Blair would have been better - it brings the reader back to the political thread, which I only hinted at. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-165050 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 16:56:00 +0000 Bob 165050@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>yeah maybe swap Allah for Tony Blair :-) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-165048 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 16:43:58 +0000 Sinnick 165048@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for the "crap" tag, whoever it was.</p> <p>I don't try for a full article very often because I know I struggle to get the structure right. I'm far better at non-creative writing. I'd much prefer to put some effort into something half-decent than present some of the poorly thought-out nonsense that often appears here.</p> <p>In this case, I think the idea is Ok, but I know it lacks something in the presentation. Because it needs to be topical, I subbed it anyway, knowing that the good-humoured folk around here would chip in with honest &amp; constructive thoughts. That's what's intended for this website.</p> <p>So, in the spirit of this place, if you don't like something and can't be bothered to be honest or constructive, just crawl back to YouTube where your witty repartee will be better appreciated. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-164985 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 08:31:12 +0000 Squudge 164985@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely, except the headline (I'd have read it sooner otherwise).</p> <p>Has God now admitted that he was aware of indirect and non-specific complaints?<br /> A nice quote might be (petulantly) "it's always easier with the benefit of 20:20 hindsight"</p> <p>Is the Holy Trinity some sort of ecumenical Coalition, or a family business struggling in the current credibility crunch? </p> <p>I'd leave Allah out of this as you are probably in enough trouble. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-164932 Mon, 25 Feb 2013 23:06:50 +0000 Sinnick 164932@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following several years of allegations and rumours in the Christian Times and Jewish Chronicle, God and his two assistants have finally admitted that they have got it wrong.</p> <p>This follows recent revelations in the popular press, where several Roman Catholic priests have been reported to be misusing their episcopal rings.</p> <p>In addition, the sudden resignation of Pope Benedict XVI has prompted further interest in his past record as a member of Hitler Youth, tolerance of paedophiles and intolerance of just about everything else; indeed, this has prompted a Mass debate in certain circles.</p> <p>God said he hadn't been aware of "certain goings on", but as CEO had expected his staff to report back to him. The Holy Spirit dismissed this since it was his job just to serve the wine. Jesus has also denied responsibility, reminding God that He's the Omniscient Being and really should have known what was happening.</p> <p>It is rumoured that God was considering standing down. Allah is said to be interested in the role.</p> <p>[hat-tip to Perks] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-145649 Thu, 25 Oct 2012 10:02:07 +0000 Sinnick 145649@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-145528 Wed, 24 Oct 2012 18:39:20 +0000 Squudge 145528@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>thanks all - it is nice to know it was enjoyed </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-145138 Mon, 22 Oct 2012 20:36:47 +0000 Yikes 145138@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good ... 5 stars from me! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-145051 Mon, 22 Oct 2012 12:03:50 +0000 Scroat 145051@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice one Squudge! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-145045 Mon, 22 Oct 2012 11:49:05 +0000 custard cream 145045@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great, well done, max. stars! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-144933 Sun, 21 Oct 2012 19:31:48 +0000 Perks 144933@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good one. Stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-144928 Sun, 21 Oct 2012 18:45:41 +0000 sigmund 144928@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I drink to forget; if only I could remember why.<br /> 5*<br /> I actually like Doris Johnson. She’s a friend of my mother in law, and would make a great PM. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-144922 Sun, 21 Oct 2012 18:19:55 +0000 Squudge 144922@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thank you!</p> <p>I enjoyed the dawning terror of Cleggy as Boris gets ...involved </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-144919 Sun, 21 Oct 2012 18:04:53 +0000 Dick Everyman 144919@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I dance to forget too....</p> <p>Bloody good lyrics though Squudge! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-144858 Sun, 21 Oct 2012 11:25:04 +0000 virtuallywill 144858@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Superb </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-144856 Sun, 21 Oct 2012 11:19:29 +0000 The All New Jeni B 144856@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good.<br /> And yes, the bastarding song is stuck in my head. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-144854 Sun, 21 Oct 2012 11:13:53 +0000 Squudge 144854@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>yeah that line always used to bug me too</p> <p>Cleggy does whine well </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-144850 Sun, 21 Oct 2012 10:43:03 +0000 Lucy4 144850@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've heard this bloody song so many times I now loathe it with a vengeance. And wine is not a spirit. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-144848 Sun, 21 Oct 2012 10:35:46 +0000 Squudge 144848@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>admit it, you are all humming this now... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50201#post-144834 Sun, 21 Oct 2012 08:07:07 +0000 Squudge 144834@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>♪♫ <em>(to the tune of 'Hotel California')...</em></p> <p>On a dark Berkshire highway, cool wind in his hair<br /> Warm smell of ambition, rising up through the air<br /> Up ahead in the distance, he saw a shimmering light<br /> His head grew heavy and insight grew dim<br /> Clegg had to stop for the night<br /> There Dave stood in the doorway;<br /> They heard the Division Bell<br /> And Clegg was thinking to himself,<br /> "This could be Heaven or this could be Hell"<br /> Then Dave lit up a candle and he showed him the way<br /> There were voices down the corridor,<br /> Clegg thought he heard them say...</p> <p>Welcome to the Hotel Coalition<br /> Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)<br /> Such a lovely face<br /> Plenty of room at the Hotel Coalition<br /> Any time of year (Any time of year)<br /> You can find it here</p> <p>Dave's mind is Eton-twisted, he got the Mercedes bends<br /> He got a lot of pretty, pretty boys he calls friends<br /> How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat<br /> Some dance to remember Maggie, some dance to forget</p> <p>So Clegg called the Speaker,<br /> "Please bring me my whine"<br /> He said, "We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen seventy nine"<br /> And still those voices are calling from far away,<br /> Wake you up in the middle of the night<br /> Just to hear them say...</p> <p>Welcome to the Hotel Coalition<br /> Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)<br /> Such a lovely face<br /> They livin' it up at the Hotel Coalition<br /> What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)<br /> Bring your alibis</p> <p>Smoke and mirrors on the ceiling,<br /> The Pouilly-Fumé on ice<br /> And Boris said "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device"<br /> And in the Speaker's chambers,<br /> They gathered for the feast<br /> They stab it with their steely knives,<br /> But they just can't kill the beast</p> <p>Last thing Clegg remembers, he was<br /> Running for the door<br /> He had to find the passage back<br /> To the place he was before<br /> "Relax, " said the Chief Whip,<br /> "We are programmed to deceive.<br /> You can check-out any time you like,<br /> But you can never leave! " </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48700#post-140401 Wed, 26 Sep 2012 14:13:28 +0000 Rizzo 140401@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nick Clegg has delivered a rousing speech to the despondent Liberal democrats on the last day of their conference during which he promised that if they stick with him they would all soon be enjoying the sort of wealth that he was born into.</p> <p>He quantified this by outlining his plans to stimulate the retail sector by purchasing thousands of faulty IPhones from a bloke he knows down the squash club and getting his mate dirty Tony to fix them up dead cheap, lovely jubbly.</p> <p>Arriving in a 3 wheeled car with ‘Little plonker’ Danny Alexander and ‘Grandad’ Vince Cable, dressed in a sheepskin jacket he carefully placed a sign saying ‘Car Tax currently going through expenses’ on the dashboard before rushing into the Brighton centre twenty minutes late.</p> <p>A spokesman later confirmed that there was some confusion over the venue as it was originally scheduled to be in the back room of The Nags Head but as they couldn’t fill it out it was then moved to somewhere smaller.</p> <p>Mr Clegg started his speech with an apology telling the assembled crowd how the 3 of them had mistakenly gone to the House of Commons to install a new chandelier which had then hilariously fallen down and broken their pledge on tuition fees.</p> <p>He then tried to allay fears about the 5 year dodgy deal he had gotten into with his friend ‘Posh Dave’ who sells 2nd hand policies by assuring the delegates it was all ‘cushtie’ and ‘above board’ .</p> <p> He vehemently denied that Dave had stitched him up over a job renovating the House of Lords and said that the reduced project he had been given to add another cubicle to the men’s toilets would undoubtedly create more jobs.</p> <p>In his closing remarks he thanked the party for their continued support before excusing himself as he was expecting a big shipment of GCSE certificates dated 2017. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40424#post-115016 Sun, 25 Mar 2012 09:13:59 +0000 The_RLJ 115016@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Link to advert here: </p> <p> <a href="http://twitter.com/The_RLJ/status/183736809153503232/photo/1" rel="nofollow">http://twitter.com/The_RLJ/status/183736809153503232/photo/1</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40424#post-115000 Sun, 25 Mar 2012 02:25:14 +0000 The_RLJ 115000@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Be sure to act now so you don't miss out on this rare opportunity to own this limited edition memento to the Mickey Rourke of politics.</p> <p><img src="http://t.co/Wo30Wyxh"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30977#post-87301 Sun, 25 Sep 2011 17:59:30 +0000 kga6 87301@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Political activists Labour have put a bee in the bonnet of hat shops this week by announcing that if they were in charge, they would pledge a free baseball cap for all students applying to courses with the maximum £9000 fee in place.</p> <p>‘Students are currently facing hard times’, said Ed Miliband, whose in-built sun-guarding quiff and eyebrow combination would make him ineligible to receive the free hat. ‘The least we can do is provide a complimentary cap for students who might otherwise be blinded by the glittering riches they watch go past.’ The cap will, however, have to be returned by those that earn over £65,000 a year. Miliband admitted that the first plan had been to provide a balaclava but noted that many students had already owned one since the coalition took power.</p> <p>The NUS immediately donned it's Campaign hat, claiming Miliband was just looking to ‘capitalise’ on current unrest. ‘This is nothing short of mockery. The little sun the Government does provide in Britain doesn't make owning a peaky (baseball) cap worthwhile, especially not once you've paid the national insurance to cover your head in case it blows away.’</p> <p>Hat shop owners countrywide are brimming with anger. ‘We're already in the maximum tax hair band and this move will force us to pass the hat to stay afloat. We depend on the sale of our coveted thinking caps to students.’ Would-be student G. Birtwhistle claimed he had mixed feelings on the matter. ‘Where is the money for the caps coming from? My 4 year Batchelor's degree in hat-making won't be worthwhile if all the hat shops are forced to close due to the increased corporate taxation required to fund the caps.’</p> <p>David Cameron, who secretly thinks it's a great idea but won't admit it, reacted cagily. ‘If they’re not up to something, I’ll eat my hat. The next election is years away, but they've already started the game. Well, I've got something up my sleeve.’ When pressed further he revealed little. ‘I don't want to give too much away, but think Tommy Cooper.’ Nick Clegg, wearer of many hats, was unavailable for comment, as it was his turn (again) to sit in the corner wearing the dunce cap.</p> <p>Whilst a shift of policy may be on the horizon, we currently can’t see it due to the glare. So for now we'll have to stick to the so-called Caps-Lock situation. </p>