http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=cider The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Mon, 20 May 2013 13:31:56 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4943#post-13715 Sun, 23 May 2010 11:05:09 +0000 MightyBlair 13715@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ta, Ant. I did mean that yeah, I thought about some kind of orchard trench warfare, but gorilla warfare seemed more ridiculous. Any Somerset puns more than welcome! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4943#post-13709 Sun, 23 May 2010 10:32:58 +0000 antharrison 13709@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very funny. Love the sickening-glut bit.<br /> Also did you mean gorilla warfare? I think it works well. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4943#post-13707 Sun, 23 May 2010 10:29:28 +0000 MightyBlair 13707@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Edited a bit as a cut and paste demon doubled a bit. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4943#post-13703 Sun, 23 May 2010 10:05:44 +0000 MightyBlair 13703@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The county of North Somerset has threatened insurrection if it is not granted the status of an independent state after members of the parish council voted unanimously to pull out of the UK. The move follows years of free immigration and govenment interference which it is believed have adversly affected regional identity. Arthur Webster, Chairman of the Sandford Allotments Association and leader of the North Somerset Freedom Fighters, stated ‘We’ve had enough - we’re building bigger fences!’ </p> <p>A number of local leaders have claimed that an influx of foreigners is directly responsible for the rise in local unemployment increasing levels of crime and a dilution of the bloodlines. 'It has to stop,' said Mable Kitchener, a leading figure in the Wick St. Lawrence Women's Institute - Armed Battalion. 'All these foreign folk come here and take jobs from the local people; it's ruining our society. We've got people from Dorset coming in and taking all the jobs in the orchards, folk from Devon working all the bars. I wouldn't mind but you can't understand what half of them are saying! And don't get me started on the Welsh! Since they built the Severn Bridge, they've been coming over here, with there dark features, strange egg-chasing beliefs, raping and impregnating all the women and stealing from all the local shops! Not to mention the sickening glut of all-male touring choirs! If I hear another warbling, welsh-inflected performance of Nessun Dorma, I'm going to shove a rugby ball down their necks. We used to be a proud County, one with heritage and tradition, but where are we now? We can't call the cider our own, and half the children around here grow up with an innate affinity for sheep.'</p> <p>Angela Mudsbury, head of the Uphill Gardening Society's Trench Warfare Division, said that there has been concern about local identity since the Local Government Act of 1992 rended Somerset and Avon apart: 'I mean we don't know who we are any more; are we Somerset? Are we Avon? North Somerset? Are we unitary, non-metropolitan, distict or county? It's ridiculous. Since all that chopping and changing, we've lost Cheddar Gorge, Bath and Glasontbury; and what have we been left with? Weston-Super-Mare! The act gave us control over local issues, so we're going to take that to the next level! </p> <p>The measure will have to be approved in Westminster, but it is likely to be granted as it is largely supported by nearby counties, such as Cornwall, who harbour their own desires for independence and see this as the first step to justifying their own claims. More importantly, whilst there has been no violence so far, several threatening letters have arrived at Downing Street. 'If our demands are not met,' reads on such letter written on headed paper from the Butcombe Ornithological society, 'we will blockade the south west. In doing so, we will deprive the country of luxurious dairy products, stop Glastonbury Festival and we will kidnap Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and Rick Stein. No more home-produced, fishy goodness for you lot! We want freedom and independence! And our own Cream Tea!' </p> <p>As a result the government will seek an early agreement to prevent a descent into gorilla warfare. In addition, ministers were said to have been 'encouraged' after the separists also promised that 'If you meet our demands, we will live within the UK as a peaceful allie. We also promise, as a sign of our commitment to peace and prosperity and with the blessing of our neighbours, to seal off Glastonbury Festival and everyone inside by placing a military presence on the surrounding wall, thus ridding the world of posh students and vacuous welly-wearing celebrities. And Bono.' </p> <p>The separation is likely to be ratified before the end of the summer providing negotiations between the two parties can iron out the full terms of the country's existence within the UK. It is thought that entry into the country will not require a passport or travel documents, as the state will be subject to freedom of movement within the EU. However, claims for residence are likely to require a citizenship test, a demonstrable appreciation of cider and an aptitude for tying bits of soggy bread to apple trees when under the influence of said cider. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4733 Mon, 29 Mar 2010 22:58:04 +0000 Quaz 4733@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brown is just desperate now and seems to want to smear anyone who crosses him, it's become some psycho mission. Now there's an idea for a post... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4714 Mon, 29 Mar 2010 21:57:38 +0000 theumpire 4714@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My vote goes to that twat who dared to cross Joanna L. What's his name - Jones or something? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4692 Mon, 29 Mar 2010 20:30:02 +0000 sauce 4692@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>Sauce. You're turning into a teenager. Very monosyllabic today.</blockquote></p> <p>Crap week(s) at work: full time (cover), stock take, year end, pig's arse.</p> <p>Can I also nominate the bint I saw this afternoon who was wearing more slap than my nan ever did and in a weird fake tan bright orange colour? If I'd seen her on TV I'd've adjusted the set. Foundation is hideous at any age but at 19 and bright orange? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4660 Mon, 29 Mar 2010 17:49:20 +0000 edward hack 4660@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>not so long ago (ok 30-40 years ago) 'the kids' piled the clothes on to excess....hands up anyone who didn't have either a leather jacket, trench coat or crombie<br /> Plucky, it's the 'walk' that gets me - that John Wayne-something-unpleasant-in my pants-swagger . 'sposed to look fretnin' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4650 Mon, 29 Mar 2010 17:19:32 +0000 PluckyMunky 4650@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>wot about anyone who uses like overly exaggerated hand gestures, in the rap style? I like got a coffee the other day and the waitperson seemed to have Tourette's. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4647 Mon, 29 Mar 2010 17:10:04 +0000 The All New Jeni B 4647@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Seconded Mr Hack. May I also add the student I saw today, in the midst of a sleet shower, walking down the road wearing cut-off denim shorts, bare legs, very ugly fake converse-y type baseball boots, a cheesecloth vest top and a smug grin.</p> <p>I hope she's as happy with herself when she's suffering hypothermia. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4643 Mon, 29 Mar 2010 17:00:25 +0000 PluckyMunky 4643@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>i have to say that is very stylish, mr hack. bless you. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4642 Mon, 29 Mar 2010 16:55:22 +0000 edward hack 4642@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lemming 30/40something bloke in sub zero winter dickheads uniform (T-Shirt- shorts - flip flops)...reading shopping list off laptop balanced on trolley TWAT.<br /> Possibly acceptable in tax haven cum tropical island paradise location, but not Exmouth branch of Tesco TWAT<br /> Although would go with Alec's 'Cider House Rules' transgression </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4461 Sun, 28 Mar 2010 09:00:28 +0000 Hunter F. Thompson 4461@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>When tax was imposed upon salt<br /> Sheriffs' men brought the trade to a halt<br /> Every two or three miles<br /> With their arrows and stiles,<br /> And guarded their hoard in a vault.</p> <p>My point is that the salt tax is long gone.... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4451 Sat, 27 Mar 2010 23:14:49 +0000 Mrblacker 4451@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Darling - for his new Cider House Rules </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4354 Fri, 26 Mar 2010 22:06:28 +0000 Scroat 4354@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yo! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4338 Fri, 26 Mar 2010 20:01:49 +0000 malgor 4338@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'm tempted to nominate photobucket. 'Cos they censored my album and ruined my post in TOTW about 3 weeks ago: <a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=483">click+scroll down and you'll see what I mean</a>.</p> <p>But, on researching the problem, I spotted this picture, cunningly edited by me, from LAST year's budgie report. Has been previously used on NB, but worth reproducing I feel at this place. I call it</p> <p><center><strong>Darling solves economy using string theory</strong></center></p> <p><img src="http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u313/malgor_bucket/catscradle.jpg"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4333 Fri, 26 Mar 2010 19:38:37 +0000 Scroat 4333@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sauce. You're turning into a teenager. Very monosyllabic today. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4321 Fri, 26 Mar 2010 18:40:25 +0000 AdrianJ 4321@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Being a West Country lad, there's one clear winner as far as I'm concerned. With his cack-handed attempt at deterring teenage binge drinkers, the winner is old Pubebrows himself...</p> <p><strong><center>Alistair Darling</center></strong></p> <p>Unfortunately, I'm not so sure that the impassioned plea that I sent him, in the heat of the moment you understand, will have the desired effect I'm afraid. With apologies to any "Septics" that may be reading, I e-mailed him the following...</p> <p><em>"Oi Darling, the last time you guys tried to pull a stunt like this - namely the Cider Bill of 1763 - it led to widespread rioting, the fall of a Prime Minster and to the introduction of the extremely unpopular Stamp Act of 1765. This in turn led to the colonials getting all wound up, to such an extent that they eventually went and kicked off the American War of Independence. And where did that get us? Playing second fiddle to the bloody Septics, that's where!</p> <p>So, unless you want to see the birth of a new Superpower, in the form of the United Counties of the West Country (or as I like to refer to it, "the good old UC of WC"), then I suggest you back off now and leave the fermented Apple Juice alone!"</em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4315 Fri, 26 Mar 2010 18:18:05 +0000 sauce 4315@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Gove </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4308 Fri, 26 Mar 2010 17:58:18 +0000 Scroat 4308@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Anyone who thinks that axing The Bill is a) remotely newsworthy or b) some sort of national disaster.</p> <p>I mean come on! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4291 Fri, 26 Mar 2010 17:07:02 +0000 John Square 4291@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can we have all of them? </p> <p>Although, when you think about it, all they really did was exaggerate a bit in a job interview, so maybe we shouldn't be too quick to judge.<br /> .<br /> .<br /> .<br /> Nah, fuck 'em. All three for TotW </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1558#post-4269 Fri, 26 Mar 2010 15:41:35 +0000 Scroat 4269@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Stephen Byers anyone? </p> <p>Hoon and Hewitt? </p>