http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=christmas The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Mon, 20 May 2013 09:18:32 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53705#post-155427 Thu, 27 Dec 2012 11:06:48 +0000 Squudge 155427@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I rather like the tie-up of Coke and Cillit Bang </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53705#post-155410 Thu, 27 Dec 2012 07:56:29 +0000 Gerontius 155410@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fish fingers for Xmas dinner, now you're talking....sign him up. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53791#post-155239 Tue, 25 Dec 2012 13:26:29 +0000 virtuallywill 155239@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://cdn1.sbnation.com/entry_photo_images/7320503/queen-3d_large_verge_medium_landscape.jpg"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53705#post-155144 Mon, 24 Dec 2012 15:57:21 +0000 Chris Thomas 155144@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Santa's original cloak before the Coca Cola sponsorship was green, so BP would also be a viable option to help them regain positive publicity. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53705#post-154994 Sun, 23 Dec 2012 05:48:22 +0000 Golgo13 154994@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53705#post-154987 Sun, 23 Dec 2012 00:26:48 +0000 TerribleTim 154987@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Beverage giants Coca Cola announced today that they will be ending their sponsorship of Christmas after December 2012. The unbroken 79 year spell - thought to be the longest in marketing history - is universally adjudged to have been the catalyst for the organisation's rise to dominance in the global soft drinks sector.</p> <p>A worded statement to the NYSE explained that in light of the world recession the company is to look to other marketing channels in an effort to stay ahead of the competition. One of the casualties will be the red and white Santa Claus character that has been taken to the hearts of youngsters all over the world.</p> <p>Early indications are that Birds Eye lead a group of potential successors for the lucrative seasonal tie-in after their CEO publicly suggested an interest in the franchise. Market analysts believe that the organisation see their existing Captain Birdseye figurehead as the ideal replacement for Santa Claus with obvious similarities such as the white beard, sharing ethos and the existing association with young children. </p> <p>One insider suggested that a campaign team had already begun to develop this concept for Christmas 2013 with commercials expected to feature Captain Birdseye visiting hungry children on a sleigh and handing out fish fingers from a blue and white sack.</p> <p>While not yet confirmed, a take over by Birdseye would be welcome news to countless Santa Claus workers across the globe as it would offer a relatively seamless transition to Captain Birdseye. Potential rival bidders include Cillit Bang whose replacement character Barry Scott would most likely be received unfavourably by these workers and children alike. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53555#post-154631 Thu, 20 Dec 2012 14:04:24 +0000 Idiot 154631@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You're going to look a right tit if it does happen after all. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53555#post-154626 Thu, 20 Dec 2012 13:39:09 +0000 dvo4fun 154626@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'Now there's no escaping sherry with my wife's stone deaf racist grandparents on Boxing Day.'</p> <p>Lovely line</p> <p>Headline maybe not quite right </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53555#post-154581 Thu, 20 Dec 2012 10:46:57 +0000 Squudge 154581@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Getting your bid in for FP 22/12/12 early eh? Noble effort - stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53555#post-154580 Thu, 20 Dec 2012 10:43:55 +0000 Oxbridge 154580@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There has been widespread disappointment as Britain woke up on 22 December to find that the Doomsday forecast by the Ancient Mayans' 'long count' failed to happen. Instead, they remain stuck in a world in which George Osborne is trusted with a knife and fork, Manchester United are top of the league and Dancing On Ice is poised to take over the TV for the foreseeable future.</p> <p>'I'm gutted,' said solicitor Paul Underwood, who was spending what he expected to be his last days at Bugarach in the foothills of the French Pyrenees, where aliens were expected to emerge from a mountain to rescue people from the impending apocalypse. 'Now there's no escaping sherry with my wife's stone deaf racist grandparents on Boxing Day.'</p> <p>Everywhere around the world - from China, where a group called Eastern Lightning has been preaching that Jesus has reappeared as a woman, to Serbia, where thousands have flocked to a mountain that holds an alien pyramid containing relics with a special power that will preserve them - people have been desperate to believe in anything that will get them out of spending more than a week with their families.</p> <p>Tesco and Sainsbury's, which announced 24-hour opening in the run-up to the apocalypse, have now agreed to extend this as those who had hedged their bets by not buying tinsel and advocaat, will need to stock up. Underground shelters, giant bottles of water and DIY chemical toilets will be on a 3-for-2 offer until the New Year. </p> <p>Ironically, Mexico's 800,000 remaining ethnic Mayans appear to be alone in dismissing the prophecy as a fable from the start. 'Er, listening to the supposed ancient wisdom of our ancestors, who didn't have the wheel and died at 35 - hello?' said Esteban Granjero, mayor of Olmec. 'Admittedly I never had to go shopping in Skelmersdale in the pissing rain on Christmas Eve, so I suppose it's not for me to judge.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53443#post-154374 Wed, 19 Dec 2012 08:38:00 +0000 Username 154374@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Performance-based pagan-consumerism. 5*<br /> Strong debut </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53445#post-154372 Wed, 19 Dec 2012 08:33:59 +0000 Username 154372@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice one. 5 </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53443#post-154340 Wed, 19 Dec 2012 00:19:28 +0000 Qoxiivi 154340@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep, very good. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53445#post-154331 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 23:13:53 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 154331@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53443#post-154329 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 23:10:02 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 154329@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice.</p> <p>Or naughty? No, definitely nice. 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53443#post-154322 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 22:58:02 +0000 FlashArry 154322@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Deft touch there, James - five stars and a bump ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53445#post-154292 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 20:13:13 +0000 Squudge 154292@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have some stars - an excellent dry little number, at once floral and fruity on the palate.</p> <p>(sorry, trying not to open the 'bought for Christmas, in case friends drop in' wine)</p> <p>The last para needs a little something, maybe Santa could make Rudolph a 'fast tracker', so the other reindeer can REALLY appreciate him. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53445#post-154227 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 15:18:11 +0000 james_patching_1 154227@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Santa Claus has admitted that his decision to allow Rudolph to guide the sleigh last Christmas resulted in the red nosed reindeer becoming less rather than more popular among his colleagues.</p> <p>"I'd been on a leadership development course over in the States in the summer," explained Santa, "and they suggested that Rudolph's popularity among the other reindeer could be improved by demonstrating the key strengths he brings to the team. His colleagues were always laughing at him and calling him names and certainly never, to my knowledge, let him join in any reindeer games so I figured I had to do something to bring harmony back to the group."</p> <p>However, it appears Santa's tactic misfired. Despite initially claiming that, as a result of Rudolph's efforts, all the reindeer now "loved him" and shouted with glee that he'd "go down in history", he has now revealed that the first sight to greet them on their return from delivering presents were the words "Red-nosed twat!" and "Santa's little suck-up" spray-painted on his locker.</p> <p>Rudolph's line manager, Darren, himself a reindeer, criticised Santa's decision:</p> <p>"Well he clearly scored a complete own-goal with that one didn't he? I mean, it was true enough that Rudolph wasn't very popular but all of the lads take a bit of stick here and quite frankly it's no wonder he never joined in the games. You're hardly going to be any good at hide and seek with a big, red nose like that, you stand out a mile.</p> <p>Anyway, having him guide the sleigh was the biggest joke of all; the lads don't take kindly to bullshitting. Santa was like 'oh it's a foggy Christmas Eve, we really need someone with a bright, red nose to guide the sleigh tonight'. Bollocks! It's been foggy every Christmas Eve since I can remember and we always did just fine with the fog lights. Having Rudolph's nose up at the front just meant we kept getting pulled over by the police so Santa could be breathalized."</p> <p>On a more positive note, Santa does not foresee any similar problems this year.<br /> "Luckily I had the good sense to attend another leadership development course in the US back in October and think I've now got it sorted. Rather than making a big thing out of Rudolph's red nose and demonstrating its benefits to the team, I want to focus instead on his excellent academic record at Reindeer School. That's why I've made him a huge badge saying 'I got this year's best math grade! Be sure to come up and say hi and we can be math buddies!'" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53443#post-154225 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 15:10:55 +0000 james_patching_1 154225@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Father Christmas has been threated with the removal of his monopoly in the UK market following the publication of this year's Naughty or Nice list, which again shows that the list a child gets on is strongly linked to parental income. </p> <p>"We simply cannot go on with a situation in which the Naughty or Nice List completely fails to represent society as a whole," claimed junior minister Alan Crockdale, "and it's up to Santa to do more encourage children from working class backgrounds to try and get on the Nice List."</p> <p>Challenged that the Naughty or Nice List is simply a refection of behavioural standards within society, Crockdale went on to blame Father Christmas for not doing enough to make sure "standards required take into account the background the children are from."</p> <p>"Perhaps rather than demanding that every child 'remembers their pleases and thank you's' at the end of their sentences, he could look into the possibility of some children making it onto the Nice List by omitting to say 'or I'll fuckin' shank you' when they finish speaking," he suggested.</p> <p>But a spokesman for Father Christmas reacted angrily, saying the organisation wasn't responsible for social engineering and claiming that standards for achieving a place on the Nice List have in any case gone down significantly in recent years:</p> <p>"Where once a child had to do at least a couple of good deeds a year, like make their Gran a cup of tea, in order to make it onto the Nice List, nowadays it's enough if they refrain from beating up smaller kids and swearing at their teacher."</p> <p>Ministers are meeting on Friday to discuss the possibility of removing Santa's monopoly, which would open up the present delivery market to foreign competition including Befana, the Italian witch, or the German "Christkind", who has been following developments in the UK market for a long time with a hope to extending operations here. </p> <p>The possible threat of the Christkind taking over some of the UK market has, however, led to a preemptive backlash by the Daily Mail, who have started a "Save the British Christmas!" campaign.</p> <p>"This is yet another example of the EU trying to destroy British traditions," calimed Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre. "The next thing we know we'll all be forced to eat Sauerkraut for Christmas dinner and the Queen's Speech will be given by Angela Merkel. I mean, come on, Father Christmas! You can't get more British than that!" He said referring to the red-suited, white-bearded charcter created by an Atlanta-based company in the 1930s to promote Coca-Cola to the American public. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53317#post-153680 Sun, 16 Dec 2012 11:40:30 +0000 Tess Goes 153680@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In his latest plot to win friends, Quatada has promised a right cracker of a Christmas for the local vicar involving Halal turkey, pigs in blankets and all the trimmings.<br /> Eager to settle into the hostile neighbourhood of a quaint North London suburb, Bin Laden's right hand man has also arranged for a street party on New Years Eve and is promising a spectacular pyrotechnics display in his back garden, under the very eyes of PC Plod and Detective Constable Constable who will be on duty that night.<br /> "It all started" he says "When the local Vicar invited me to church to join in the local Christmas Celebrations, so I thought I'd reciprocate"<br /> Theresa May is said to be disgusted and is considering legal action. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36115#post-153105 Thu, 13 Dec 2012 05:49:37 +0000 Squudge 153105@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Satan's little helper just put a crap song in my head. B@stard.</p> <p>Big hairy moobs... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36115#post-153082 Wed, 12 Dec 2012 23:22:12 +0000 dvo4fun 153082@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A theme also in a PE cartoon today </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=17980#post-153047 Wed, 12 Dec 2012 14:47:52 +0000 beau-jolly 153047@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Basil, I know Wem! It has a big sign saying:<br /> "WEM, twinned with WEM, (because that's how we like it, now get orf moi land youm worring moi sheep)".<br /> It must be the only town in the UK without an A road. But it did have a lovely brewery before Lord Daresbury bought it, merged it with Greenalls and then shut the whole bloody lot. Git! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53141#post-153046 Wed, 12 Dec 2012 14:46:02 +0000 Oxbridge 153046@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I refer my Hon. Friend to my previous answer. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36115#post-153044 Wed, 12 Dec 2012 14:45:10 +0000 Oxbridge 153044@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>That's because I recycle old stories that I think might stand a chance another time, as we established last week. It's worked before. I'm not embarrassed about it. </p> <p>Get a life, mate. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=17980#post-153036 Wed, 12 Dec 2012 14:17:46 +0000 Dick Everyman 153036@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>One of three wizzard men on here today? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53141#post-153035 Wed, 12 Dec 2012 14:12:54 +0000 waylandsmithy 153035@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>refreshingly original. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=17980#post-153034 Wed, 12 Dec 2012 14:12:08 +0000 waylandsmithy 153034@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>heard it before. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36115#post-153033 Wed, 12 Dec 2012 14:11:11 +0000 waylandsmithy 153033@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>feels a bit familiar </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53141#post-153027 Wed, 12 Dec 2012 11:08:20 +0000 Oxbridge 153027@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Roy Wood, former lead singer of the glam rock band Wizzard, has apologised for the role he played in ensuring that it is now Christmas every day of the year. ‘Yeah, I’m really pissed off, but how was I to know what would happen?’ said the hirsute Midlander, who now manages an organic fruit farm in Shropshire that he bought after selling his image rights to the National Association of Morris Dancers.</p> <p>39 years ago this month, Wizzard hit Number 2 with 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day'. Now that Christmas-themed merchandise hits the shops in September and the unsold pile staying there on 3-for-2 offers until April, followed by venues planning their marketing campaigns for office Christmas parties in May, their remarkable vision has come true. With country houses already advertising their Easter Egg hunts, analysts believe it will soon be Easter every day as well.</p> <p>'In my defence, I wrote the song on tour in a dreary B&amp;B in South Shields that July,' said Wood. 'I started thinking, wouldn't it be nice if it was Christmas every day, you know, like when the kids start singing and the band begins to play? And before you start, I do know the snowman doesn't actually “bring his snow”. I was off my big hairy moobs on drugs at the time. I might be from Birmingham but I'm not THAT thick.'</p> <p>Added Wood: ‘Sorry, but I’m going to have to go now, the police are knocking at the door. What they’d want with a clapped-out old popular entertainer from the 1970s like me, I have no idea’. </p>