http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=christianity The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Fri, 24 May 2013 20:26:41 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58845#post-170960 Sun, 31 Mar 2013 01:11:33 +0000 sydalg 170960@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love it. Someone just beat me to giving you 5*. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58845#post-170959 Sun, 31 Mar 2013 01:08:50 +0000 bigyeti 170959@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The former archbishop of Canterbury, Lord Carey, has accused the government of trying to remove Easter from the calendar "one hour at a time" under the guise of British Summer Time.</p> <p>"This is another example of the marginalisation of Christians" said Lord Carey. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43576#post-124700 Fri, 01 Jun 2012 09:22:51 +0000 idlebanter 124700@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Research has confirmed that due to the numerous sequential possibilities available to complete the Rubik's cube, it is no longer to be considered as a symbol of greater intellect. </p> <p>Although previously used by individuals as a tool to convey to others that they were of a greater mind, it is now widely thought that such individuals are just "insecure twats" who seek the admiration of others and consequently spend an age reading through the numerous formulas which come with every official cube to ensure proficiency. </p> <p>Profesor Argyle, Head of Research into the study stated, "It has been my belief for some time that the Rubik's cube has been reduced from a simple puzzle to an object used to create an intellectual facade by those who spend night after night on chat rooms masturbating everytime a woman mentions their breasts."</p> <p>The research has concluded that also in that category are people in their mid 20's who learn magic, teenagers who are in middle sets for subjects at school and youth leaders at Christian youth clubs. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29229#post-82045 Mon, 15 Aug 2011 12:06:10 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 82045@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Maybe once they discovered that Jesus is actually the same person, therefore leaving with him, they could look for a different replacement. Maybe the Holy Ghost, can't see any problems there. Or Alanis Morissette, she did a decent job in Dogma. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29229#post-82042 Mon, 15 Aug 2011 11:59:25 +0000 Mrblacker 82042@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>To be honest, being an atheist I know nothing about religion. Just thought the juxtaposition of religions being competing firms struck me as an interesting one. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29229#post-82020 Mon, 15 Aug 2011 10:14:56 +0000 Golgo13 82020@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>VCG - yeah...religion can sometimes be beyond our understanding, which kind of shows it must be true. If it was made up by humans, we'd be able to understand it, ergo a higher being must have come up with it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29229#post-82017 Mon, 15 Aug 2011 09:56:15 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 82017@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it.</p> <p>But from my limited understanding of religion I thought God and Jesus were the same person? So he's leaving and being replaced with himself, which gets a little complicated. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29229#post-82009 Mon, 15 Aug 2011 08:24:03 +0000 Oxbridge 82009@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Neat. Though I wonder if a conversion to Hinduism on the grounds of loneliness might have worked better? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29229#post-81981 Sun, 14 Aug 2011 19:52:18 +0000 Mrblacker 81981@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a move that's likely to cause more trouble than good, God, Founder and CEO of Christianity Inc, confirmed he's to leave the family firm and take up a position with a rival religion.</p> <p>In a statement released on the company's main day of trading said "As of 00.01 on Sunday 14th August 2011, God, the founder and Chief Executive Officer of Christianity Incorporated, has stepped down in order to pursue other interests."</p> <p>These interests include divesting himself of all current holdings in the firm he founded and taking up a position with rival company Islam Corporation.</p> <p>"I came to an epiphany while I was assessing the latest recruits to our Heaven retirement complex. So many had died in conflicts over their beliefs that I was shocked. I realised that was easier if I changed religion than continuing to work for an organisation that wanted to convert believers of other creeds. Hopefully I'm right, but it does mean that my conversion is incompatible with my current position." Said God.</p> <p>The news rocked the religious markets, with shares in Christianity Inc (NYSE: GOD)plunging by 20% by the close of trading.</p> <p>However, the firm's board say they are confident they can weather this storm.</p> <p>"God is 13 billion years old. Or around 4 thousand years old if you believe some biographers. It is therefore understandable that a man of his advanced years and immortality would want to experiment with some of the more esoteric options available to him. Therefore we wish God well and have named Jesus as his successor."</p> <p>In a statement released at the same time, Islam Corp welcomed God and said his conversion was good news. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23628#post-64225 Sun, 10 Apr 2011 12:01:56 +0000 Screenie 64225@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It is definitely a more beweevable story. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23628#post-64149 Sat, 09 Apr 2011 12:13:54 +0000 Steve Wilson 64149@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In what has been seen as the most profound U-turn in Christian thinking in months the General Synod of the Church of England have finally conceded that the Monty Python version of the gospel story is more likely the most accurate we have to date.<br /> "We just didn't get it at first." chuckled Archbishop of York Rt Hon Dr Jim Sentance. "But now it's obvious, women being made to wear beards, a correct depiction of what the Romans have done for us and the ultimate choice 'Crucifixion or Freedom one cross each, it's all so clear at last."<br /> But when asked what changes this will make to how the Church will now be run the Archbishop was less sure.<br /> "You see although we at the Synod receive this new insight as divine revelation we are concerned that that the lay person may be easily confused. I mean some will want to follow the gourd whilst others will instead prefer to remove their sandals in the prescribed manner. It is important that this does not cause schisms especially has The Python(their names be praised) now requires us to use stoning especially with a very huge bolder for comic impact"<br /> Not that everyone in the Church welcomes these latest pronouncements.<br /> "It clearly states in the text," Martin Lawson final year of seminary told us, "that 'he's not the Messiah he's a naughty boy now piss off' I have watched the film nearly all the way through and I can say that without doubt that although comically inspired there is a sense albeit extremely subtle that it was all a big mistake and Brian didn't actually want to be seen as a Messiah."<br /> But the Archbishop was dismissive. "This is exactly the sort of divisive thinking that totally undermines the central message of the 'Life of Brian' to always look on the bright side of life de dum de dum dedumdedumdedum. This young man is obviously not an individual whereas importantly we on the Synod are all individuals."<br /> Out in the Parishes the average church goer seems unperturbed about the proposed changes to their Sunday communion.<br /> Margaret William of leafy Beggers End Dorset told us. "I saw that film when it first came out. The only thing I can remember of it is Graham Chapman showing his willy to a crowd of people, and that naked welsh tart with small tits. Sounds like a great bases for a new religion to me." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6928#post-18651 Wed, 23 Jun 2010 07:03:39 +0000 Scroat 18651@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>FP if ever I saw one. Have some stars.</p> <p>You will go to Hell of course, but WTF! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6928#post-18643 Wed, 23 Jun 2010 06:09:38 +0000 Genghis Cohen 18643@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I will never cease to find the existence of a white, bearded deity anything less than hilarious. Until he sends me somewhere hot.</p> <p>Thanks games. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6928#post-18584 Tue, 22 Jun 2010 17:43:40 +0000 fun and games 18584@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think we have a Religion correspondent, just as Doran does the fluffy Rom Com stuff (well he used to before he cleared off). How many Religion based FPs is that then Gengo in recent months (you never know, this may even get the nod)? I am just glad you have seen the light and started subbing again. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6928#post-18544 Tue, 22 Jun 2010 13:25:39 +0000 Genghis Cohen 18544@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Newly discovered evidence suggests that the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, presumed to have been ordered by the Roman prefect Pontius Pilate, may in fact have been a tragic accident caused by Jesus himself while performing some outdoor DIY. A respected Christian historian now believes that the Son of God may have inadvertently nailed himself to two planks of wood after getting in a tangle attempting to put up some shelves.</p> <p>‘Everyone knows that Jesus loved his DIY, and of course he had carpentry in his blood – or would have done if Joseph’s hole-boring kit had been up to it,’ said Dr Charles Forster of Cambridge University. ‘Who can forget the stilts he made for everyday lake crossing, or the pulpit-on-wheels from which he delivered the Sermon on the Mount? People came from miles around to watch his DIY demonstrations, but it now seems he came to a sticky end after doing himself a mischief teaching an open-air class on bookcase construction.’</p> <p>Continued Forster, ‘All the evidence indicates that Jesus accidently nailed his hand to one of the planks while trying to fix it in place, drove the other plank into the ground to stop it falling over, and before he could say ‘Transubstantiation’ he’d pinned himself to a makeshift cross like a flyer for a Leprosy self-help group on the Nazareth temple notice board.’</p> <p>Although Forster accepts that his is a controversial version of events, he argues that it is entirely corroborated by the Gospels, including sayings by Jesus such as ‘It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is to get these bloody shelves level’ and ‘Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the YOUCH! No, I’m fine. No, really.’ He also cites Pilate's pejorative title for Jesus, 'the Bringer of Screws'.</p> <p>While some historians dispute Forster’s claims, he simply points them in the direction of Jesus’s final words as recorded in Mark, chapter 15, verses 21-25: ‘So there you go, a couple of sturdy shelves for you to keep your favourite books on. Well, you can certainly use the one attached to your arms as a bookshelf, the other is more for support if I’m honest. And don’t forget that it also doubles as an excellent upright bed. Now I’m just going to catch me some rays up here and maybe have 40 winks. Same time on Sunday everyone when we’ll learn how to knock up a lovely wooden tomb with a concealed door for fooling all your friends.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2763#post-8195 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 20:16:08 +0000 Genghis Cohen 8195@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bless you all. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2763#post-8137 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 08:49:53 +0000 MrChigleysAunt 8137@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant, and heartfelt, in a very real sense. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2763#post-8135 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 08:39:58 +0000 edward hack 8135@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'distracting starving children with a rainbow'...genius<br /> sums religion up perfectly for me - far more savage than a thousand blows with a machette (well, maybe not quite but still quite nasty - say, chinese burn territory) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2763#post-8118 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 06:13:02 +0000 sauce 8118@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hallelujah! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2763#post-8107 Sat, 17 Apr 2010 22:29:05 +0000 The All New Jeni B 8107@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fucking brilliant!!!<br /> You have accurately described a former friend of ours, who turned religious after his wife left him due to his chronic alcoholism.<br /> Now dry as a bone, he stands on street corners in the city centre of a Saturday urging sinners to repent as he has done.<br /> His level of smugness is matched only by his ability to bore.</p> <p>Seriously, brilliant piece. 5 stars from me. Which reminds me of the the story of the loaves and fishes... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2763#post-8106 Sat, 17 Apr 2010 22:11:30 +0000 Genghis Cohen 8106@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Doctors warned today that those embracing religion in adult life are often not receiving the vital medical attention they need to avoid potentially dangerous complications during labour. As a result, the lives of born-again Christians are routinely being blighted by incurable conditions such as smugness, chronic evangelism and an inability to conduct a conversation without mentioning the name ‘Jesus’.</p> <p>‘Sometimes when people find God, they happen across Him when He’s in the middle of something pressing like smiting a sinner or distracting starving children with a rainbow,’ said Dr Forstadt, author of a new study in <em>The Lancet</em>. ‘Just occasionally this means that those being re-made in His image miss out on important finishing touches like tolerance, a sense of one’s own worth or separate eyebrows. The only known treatment is to keep them segregated from the rest of society and give them remedial treatment each Sunday.’</p> <p>The study examines the gestation of born-again Christians, noting that many report experiences similar to that of pregnant women. ‘I suffered awful cravings as I prepared for my re-birth,’ said 35-year-old Rebekah Wade. ‘They lasted 17 years and I put on eight-and-a-half stone. In the end I couldn’t make it out the front door so I opted for a home birth.’</p> <p>Doctors also record countless instances of painful and protracted labours, with many of the redeemed only emerging into the light after decades spent in local government or accountancy firms. But the study does give hope to future converts by suggesting they can ‘help nature along’ by cultivating a history of failure with the opposite sex, something many are only too well placed to do, even if they just fall short of the criteria for becoming a born-again virgin.</p> <p>Born-again Christians, though, have reacted angrily to the study’s findings. ‘These doctors don’t realise what a profound effect their ill-informed words can have on society,’ said one. ‘And in many ways, that reminds me of Jesus.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=352#post-1055 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 12:05:01 +0000 Mary Evans 1055@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You're not bad at this writing malarky, Genghis. You should try it more often. Ten! Or whatever the de rigeur equivalent is these days... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=352#post-1052 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 11:51:08 +0000 Ostsee 1052@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>But already booked are his support singers, Mary and the Magdelenes, but his band is still looking for a replacement who went 'Roman', so to speak. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=352#post-1039 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 10:33:29 +0000 Genghis Cohen 1039@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>With his fans getting increasingly impatient for the follow-up to his era-defining live performances, management acting for global megastar Jesus Christ were yesterday again forced to confirm that the artist remains holed up in the studio working on his long-awaited second coming. Many industry insiders believe that the performer’s best days are behind him, but despite no indication of when we might hear some new material from Christianity’s No.1 artist, die-hard fans are still keeping the faith.</p> <p>‘When he first appeared it was like he came out of nowhere,’ said Garth Chivers, editor of trend-setting weekly, the New Theological Express. ‘He was young and fresh, really of the moment, and he took things in an exciting new direction. There’s no doubting the lasting influence of his seminal early work – it’s just that the scene has moved on and those saviour stylings just sound so old skool now.’</p> <p>‘It’s never easy following up a classic debut. Just look how things turned out for The Stone Roses,’ said Ellie Carl, chief writer for respected industry organ, Me and My Maker. ‘You’ve got to strike that difficult balance between giving the old fans more of what made you famous, while taking things on artistically and appealing to the younger demographic who weren’t there the first time round. These days the industry simply demands that kind of regular reincarnation. Still, I’d be amazed if his management dropped him.’</p> <p>Industry rumours are that Jesus has been suffering from saviour’s block and struggling to find a new angle on the same old themes of peace and love to all men, but his management insist he is putting the finishing touches to new material with his regular backing group and label-mates, The Disciples. ‘The new stuff will be darker and edgier than his earlier work, reflecting his experiences in the industry. Jesus really feels as if the critics built him up in order to, well, not knock him down exactly, but just leave him dangling there, you know.’</p> <p>A spokesman for Christianity last night confirmed that details of Jesus’s comeback ‘This Really Is It’ tour will be announced shortly. It’s thought a promotional DVD, ‘What Jesus Did Next’, is also in the pipeline, with a ‘making of’ documentary that sceptics are really looking forward to, as well as re-issues of his classic Holy Roman Empire tour T-shirt, ‘I’m with the banned’. But despite demand, tickets for his live shows are expected to be extremely limited, with bouncers at venues given clear instructions only to issue ‘Access All Areas’ passes to those whose names are on the guest-list. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=292#post-854 Sun, 28 Feb 2010 13:37:26 +0000 Mrblacker 854@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Christian leaders are mulling over claims that Jesus' last words have been revealed after centuries of mystery.</p> <p>It had long been thought that his words were something profound, pleading for clemency and mercy for the people who had crucified him.</p> <p>But Father Ryan Bancroft, a Jesusologist working in Dublin, says his actual utterances while on the cross were more mundane.</p> <p>"I've been pouring over texts written by the centurion in charge of the execution party, and they tell a different story. The main concern Jesus seems to have had was the quality of the cross he was nailed to." Fr Bancroft says.</p> <p>"To be honest, I'm not surprised as he was after all the son of a carpenter and a master woodworker himself."</p> <p>Fr. Bancroft's research is published in the latest issues of Christianity Today and it's companion magazine Holy Woodworker.</p> <p>So what were the last words uttered?</p> <p>"The translation is quite clear. Jesus is quite clearly directly quoted in the texts as saying 'you should have champfered the edges of this main strut and made the cross with a lap joint - this rope is digging into my shoulders. Also, would it have hurt you to have sanded the surface a bit - these splinters are killing me.'."</p> <p>Christian leaders are considering the findings, although one suggested they are pure fiction, as lap joints weren't invented until the 4th century AD. </p>