http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=china The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 09:16:54 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60450#post-175535 Fri, 26 Apr 2013 08:22:09 +0000 johnnydobbo 175535@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yesterday's release of UK GDP figures had senior Chinese government officials hastily drawing plans to reshape their economy to stave off their resurgent new rival.</p> <p>"Our paltry 7.7% growth figures that we announced a few weeks ago", read a Communist Party statement, "gave us enough cause for concern on their own. But coupled with the UK's enormous 0.3% growth, we now realise that in this global race we are sadly lagging behind".</p> <p>Off the record, senior party grandees are concerned that the collapse of the Chinese boom relative to their British competitors will lead to mass civil unrest and demands for more and greater freedoms. "How we tackle that is difficult to envisage", a party official who wished to remain anonymous said. "After all, now that our economy is tanking and Britain's is booming, we can't afford their weapons any more". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58346#post-169321 Thu, 21 Mar 2013 12:02:48 +0000 Oxbridge 169321@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Britain, the formerly quite capable island near Europe, has spoken of its relief at seeing television pictures of teenage girls in Beijing going hysterical over a brief glimpse of David Beckham getting out of a car. Hitherto, there had been growing fears that China's massive industrial power and highly educated workforce might one day be a threat to Western cultural hegemony.</p> <p>'The growth of China's economy in the past generation has been such that even we have stopped looking at pictures of funny cats on Facebook for long enough to take notice of this new superpower of 1.1 billion people,' said Dr Julian Walker, Professor of Dappy From N-Dubz Studies at the University of Leicester. 'So it's comforting to know that a significant number of young Chinese are brain-dead wannabe starfuckers, just like us.'</p> <p>Beckham then engaged in a brief kickabout with some young local players as part of his tour to promote football in China, while loud 'gangsta' music played on the tannoy and the spectators screamed out their love for him while booing at the mention of his wife, Victoria. 'Who says we don't export anything any more?' said Walker. 'Makes you proud to be British it does.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46337#post-133405 Sat, 04 Aug 2012 10:48:22 +0000 Nowherefast 133405@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thank you :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46337#post-133389 Sat, 04 Aug 2012 07:04:57 +0000 ginty 133389@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Superb! 5*. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46337#post-133361 Fri, 03 Aug 2012 21:33:40 +0000 custard cream 133361@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fantastic, max.stars! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46337#post-133354 Fri, 03 Aug 2012 20:25:59 +0000 Nowherefast 133354@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More Soon... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46157#post-132957 Tue, 31 Jul 2012 08:26:31 +0000 Gary Stanton 132957@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks all. </p> <p>Dedicated to Bob Hall. 31st July 1998.<br /> (don't know whether you can in small type) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46157#post-132921 Mon, 30 Jul 2012 23:01:04 +0000 Yikes 132921@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very funny! Every paragraph a gem! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46157#post-132919 Mon, 30 Jul 2012 22:59:37 +0000 dvo4fun 132919@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely FP - missed reading it earlier </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46157#post-132892 Mon, 30 Jul 2012 15:12:04 +0000 medici2471 132892@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Chinese men's diving gold is now certain to fuel speculation amid concerns that the CPOC may retaliate with human-shark hybrid claims aimed at Rebecca Adlington. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46157#post-132888 Mon, 30 Jul 2012 14:02:58 +0000 Gary Stanton 132888@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The first cheating scandal of the Olympic Games erupted today when China angrily denied accusations made by BBC presenter, Claire Balding, that its six gold medals in the pool have been won by human-dolphin hybrids.</p> <p>As Chinese swimming prodigy Ye Shiwen completed an extraordinary performance to smash the world record for a dolphin, Balding responded by donning a wet suit and demanded a full public inquiry into the incident.</p> <p>Many in Team GB now suspect the Chinese have embarked on a secretive human-dolphin breeding programme to thwart British athletes who have never even looked at a dolphin that way let alone interfered with one. The BBC presenter’s claims her suspicions were raised when she overheard the 16 year-old Ye Shiwen (16 in human years) navigating her way around the Olympic pool’s deep-end using a series of clicks. </p> <p>‘Also noteworthy was Ye Shiwen’s almost docile friendliness and the way she can position herself upright in the water when not swimming at phenomenal speed,’ said Balding. She then provoked a Twitter storm by recommending that viewers ‘look at her toothy smile and her ability to balance a ball on the end of her nose.’</p> <p>Though some deemed for Balding’s comments outrageous, she later received the support of former Olympic Gold medallist , Duncan Goodhew, who recommended that Chinese swimmers be tested for dolphin traits by seeing how well they perform in tuna nets. Goodhew said ‘If they get caught up in them very easily and start thrashing about then you’re looking at a hybrid athlete who shares a lot of DNA with Flipper.‘ </p> <p>‘This has to be non-fish Rebecca Adlington’s best hope of a gold medal. Game on! ‘</p> <p>Meanwhile, an unrepentant Balding denied accusations of sour grapes, insisting she will poolside for the 800 metres freestyle final with a bucket of fish in order ‘to tell the genuine athletes apart from the slippery dolphin hybrid cheats.’</p> <p>Last night, the Chinese Peoples Olympic Committee hit back suggesting that Olympic dope-fiend Dwain Chambers had improved on his personal best in the 200 metres by grafting on the back legs on an antelope.</p> <p>(link, sorry but it's the Mail)<br /> <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2180784/Olympics-2012-Clare-Balding-questions-Chinas-girl-torpedo-Ye-Shiwens-400m-swimming-triumph.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2180784/Olympics-2012-Clare-Balding-questions-Chinas-girl-torpedo-Ye-Shiwens-400m-swimming-triumph.html</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45553#post-131115 Wed, 18 Jul 2012 18:28:54 +0000 Reg Herring 131115@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Pandamonium broke out today amongst anti-GM protestors in the West after it emerged Chinese scientists have developed a new genetically-modified strain of bamboo shoot and introduced it on a large scale to feed wild pandas.</p> <p>Secret undercover Chinese environmental activists in fear of their lives report the new shoots contain a special aphrodisiac ingredient designed to make pandas constantly randy with the side-effect that it turns them green.</p> <p>Already the wild green panda population has hit a reported 4.7 million although, as they are much harder to spot, this figure may be slightly inaccurate.</p> <p>Chinese toy manufacturers are believed to be producing millions of furry green panda dolls and t-shirts ready to saturate the global cuddly toy market and make approximately $1.8 trillion in the first year from US sales alone.</p> <p>Green Party panda spokesperson Ms Lucy McLentil, who lives near Edinburgh Zoo in a one-bedroomed flat worth £49,995 said: “I’d much rather campaign on behalf of the few remaining cute cuddly black and white pandas than millions of these green freaks roaming around everywhere. If we’re not careful, this could become a global pandemic and I’m going to have to think of something f*****g else to save from extinction to pay my mortgage.”</p> <p>The Chinese authorities were unavailable for comment and have banned all talk on the subject, preferring instead to play military marching music on all media channels 24 hours a day and launching a few test missiles in Taiwan’s direction. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45382#post-130488 Sun, 15 Jul 2012 20:42:57 +0000 Tomfinger 130488@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I felt as if Benny Hill was in the same room. The patronising boss Nick Buckles line was good. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45382#post-130446 Sun, 15 Jul 2012 10:04:43 +0000 gaztop 130446@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Major Yung Wong Su from the Chinese Peoples Employment Bureau has offered to send the United Kingdom two million of its unemployed Scientists to work as security guards at the London Olympic Village. Major Su made the decision after speaking to relatives who live and work in West Ham. The family run a local popular take away and are often patronised by G4S Security boss Nick Buckles. </p> <p>Major Yung Wong Su said; "My cousin Woo tell me you short of security guard so I think we short an got lot of unemploy Scientist, dey lazy no wan make atomic bomb an is not good for Ying Yang an Yen of motherlan, so we give for free. Dey give free calendar wiv every ticket an no fall sleep unlike Imperialist layabout. Your government think it way we invade you country, has he bin China Town in London? Ha Ha! It will work, we use 2 million Irish to build Great Wall, dey wen home after job done. So will we. Maybe. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44749#post-128097 Fri, 29 Jun 2012 20:29:35 +0000 simonhansen 128097@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Chinese astronauts return to Earth to find a planet where intelligent talking apes are the dominant species, and humans are oppressed and enslaved.</p> <p>China's first female astronaut, 33-year-old Liu Yang, and two others came out of deep hibernation this morning to find that their ship had crashed to Earth. They soon learned that the planet continues to be ruled by shaved, coke-induced monkeys.</p> <p>The apes, who use the primitive race of humans for experimentation and sport, have mastered obtuse financial terminology to baffle Man, who is, still, mostly pre-lingual, while women remain crippled by a constant state of social paranoia.</p> <p>The crew of the Shenzhou 9 will be debriefed at the Jiuquan Satellite Launch Center followed by a photo shoot and sandwiches. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99340 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 19:45:28 +0000 Username 99340@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice idea, well executed </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99285 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 12:53:36 +0000 dvo4fun 99285@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Quick work there nick, lovely job </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99281 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:49:19 +0000 bonjonelson 99281@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes - very good :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99280 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:47:58 +0000 nickb 99280@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>too kind. Your idea has given me another idea for it - tank you. (See what I did there?) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99279 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:43:17 +0000 bonjonelson 99279@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent sub by the way :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99277 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:34:37 +0000 nickb 99277@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>ooh. OK BJ. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99272 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:12:32 +0000 bonjonelson 99272@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>maybe change </p> <p>"Many expressed sincere agreement with his views on shooting strikers" to</p> <p>"Many local officials have expressed sincere agreement with his views on shooting protesters" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99265 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 10:39:30 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 99265@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99262 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 10:26:41 +0000 Al OPecia 99262@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I am just worried that it's not true. 5. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99261 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 10:19:52 +0000 nickb 99261@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>bit owrried this has been done, somehow </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99260 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 10:18:43 +0000 nickb 99260@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The arrivals of the Pandas Sweetie and Sunshine delighted the Scots. But the Chinese are said to be puzzled and a little saddened by the reciprocal arrival of a rare and temperamental British specimen, almost certainly on the edge of extinction. “Clarkson will certainly try and mate while he in China,” his keeper, Andrew Millman promised. “ It is in his nature to find one or more females and try and mate with them as quickly as he can, though unlike Pandas, the pairing is unlikely to last. Indeed he may have tried to do this on the flight. Whether he succeeds, and whether any offspring will result, and whether it would be fair on the world to release it into the wild - these are all questions we may have to address.”</p> <p>Before his arrival, though, a wave of Clarksonmania hit China, with Chinese students of English eager to learn new phrases like “Train jumper”, “hate-figure” , “tuck your fucking shirt in”, "Cotswolds set", "You look gorgeous Samantha/Rebekah" and “minor public school”. Many local officials have expressed sincere agreement with his views on shooting protesters, which made his arrival the more eagerly anticipated. Clarkson too was said to be looking forward to his visit to China, with its high pollution levels and uncluttered roads. As part of the visit, Clarkson will drive a tank erratically across Tiananmen Square, humorously appearing to endanger pedestrians, which his keeper said was just the kind of thing to perk him up. </p> <p>But when his special container was lowered to the ground at Beijing International Airport, Clarkson was sitting motionless in a corner looking disconsolate. “I just wish I could go back to Francie”, he was heard to mutter. Journalist Ha Guan Sheng in his column for the China Daily wrote “This is the height of bad manners, to be the honoured guest of one country and to be openly wishing to return to another.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=22336#post-60312 Wed, 09 Mar 2011 18:28:05 +0000 rikkor 60312@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cinq. Funny. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=22336#post-60310 Wed, 09 Mar 2011 18:25:15 +0000 Q William Bacon 60310@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=12954#post-35235 Sun, 26 Sep 2010 00:10:37 +0000 gaijintendo 35235@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Chinese food authorities are investigating the possible contamination of gelatine with various petrochemicals. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1389#post-3643 Tue, 23 Mar 2010 15:55:58 +0000 Oxbridge 3643@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More soon </p>