http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=cheryl-cole The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Mon, 20 May 2013 17:24:15 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124547 Wed, 30 May 2012 21:08:01 +0000 arthurminnit 124547@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>me too, and i am not a filthmeister.</p> <p>errr, it appears that i AM a filthmeister. but i would still like to shit on her chest and rub it in.<br /> the miserable bitch is still refusing, even though i now know a dying child.<br /> celebrities really are the scum of the earth. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124482 Wed, 30 May 2012 10:45:09 +0000 JonnyJP 124482@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I preferred the original version though </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124473 Wed, 30 May 2012 08:55:53 +0000 pinxit 124473@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The final NiB version on the front page is superb. Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124264 Mon, 28 May 2012 09:26:53 +0000 Oxbridge 124264@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Typical. You do a revised version, then some filthmeister goes and posts his vile fantasies under the original. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124254 Mon, 28 May 2012 06:25:51 +0000 arthurminnit 124254@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>i got exactly the same reply when i asked if i could shit on her chest and rub it in.<br /> true, im not dying, but you must admit , i AM very sick. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124209 Sun, 27 May 2012 16:01:19 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 124209@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think that's better. Lots of people will probably now tell you they preferred the original though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124197 Sun, 27 May 2012 09:19:37 +0000 Drylaw 124197@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's time more celebrities "put something back". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124176 Sat, 26 May 2012 21:15:20 +0000 dvo4fun 124176@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>very funny chaps, stars all round </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124168 Sat, 26 May 2012 17:58:34 +0000 Perks 124168@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I missed the first edit, but love this. *'s for all </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43375#post-124156 Sat, 26 May 2012 15:33:37 +0000 Oxbridge 124156@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As he fought his brave losing battle with leukaemia, 17-year old Kyle Anderson knew what his last wish was. 'I want to be tugged off by Cheryl Cole. That would be the ultimate happy finish', he told his parents. Alas, it was not to be. Kyle died last week and his family are now slating the 'callous' Geordie songbird for letting him leave this world in misery.</p> <p>'We emailed her management - we got no answer. We rang the X-Factor office - they just sniggered,' said Anderson's grieving dad, Brian. 'All she had to bring was her right hand and a friendly smile. We'd have supplied the kleenex. And the cheerleader's uniform. But no, she's obviously too busy to bother with the fans who made her rich and famous these days.'</p> <p>Cole's attitude is symptomatic of an alarming decline in the willingness of pop stars to meet their followers' heartfelt wishes over the past 50 years, says Charles Murray-Jones, Professor of Dappy From N Dubz Studies at the University of Derby. 'The Rolling Stones combined had sex with over 200 groupies on one three-week tour in 1968, even with Charlie Watts lamentable failure to contribute. Today, the likes of Justin Bieber can't even manage one,' he said sadly.</p> <p>Not all celebrities are quite so selfish, however. When she heard of Kyle's plight, Katie Price volunteered to drive over to the hospice, give him a soapy tit wank in the bathroom and stream it live in HD on her website. Unfortunately, she also wanted to sing some tracks from her latest album, which the family saw as a deal breaker, just in case a miracle recovery was in the offing.</p> <p>Brian Anderson remains bitter, partly at the Make A Wish Foundation, which declined to take up his campaign, but mostly at Cheryl Cole.</p> <p>'Kyle worshipped that woman, even though he was diagnosed with leukaemia the same year she married Ashley. That may be a coincidence, I'm just saying. All my lad wanted was a last hand shandy from the nation's sweetheart, but clearly Little Miss Hoity-Toity doesn't care. Well I won't be buying any more of her music and I hope the 17-year-old boys of Britain find someone nicer to wank over. That'll teach her.'</p> <p>[Digitally remastered with the help of master producer VCG. Hat tips to Beau Jolly and cinquecento] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124095 Fri, 25 May 2012 17:58:34 +0000 JohnA 124095@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'd give it four knuckles rather than five... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124091 Fri, 25 May 2012 17:21:34 +0000 Mandy Lifeboat 124091@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Shouldn't Mackworth be referred to by its proper title of Smackworth... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124084 Fri, 25 May 2012 15:53:06 +0000 cinquecento 124084@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>the late Michael Jackson would have helped out a dying teenager whther they wanted it or not. It's why he wore that single glove.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124083 Fri, 25 May 2012 15:50:32 +0000 Oxbridge 124083@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>How dare you sir? I'm 49 and will be for quite a few years yet. I picked Leicester at random. I'll have a go at rejigging this. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124067 Fri, 25 May 2012 13:58:50 +0000 beau-jolly 124067@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A sniffy little point:<br /> I know Liecester isn't Oxbridge but it is a decent place and is where genetic finger printing was developed among other things. If you want to poke fun then a "new" university would be more appropriate such as Derby University (formerly Mackworth Tech.) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124053 Fri, 25 May 2012 12:53:32 +0000 nostra da mouse 124053@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I take VCG's point about the age, you wouldn't be about 57 by any chance would you Oxbridge? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124046 Fri, 25 May 2012 12:27:21 +0000 Psycadelic Squirrel 124046@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I wonder what celebs would give a hand job to a dying person? Reckon the Cheeky Girls would, both at the same time aswell probably. Probably not Posh, but reckon Ginger would give it a bash. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124036 Fri, 25 May 2012 11:40:33 +0000 JonnyJP 124036@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Professor of Dappy From N Dubz Studies at the University of Leicester"</p> <p>Loved that line but how about putting the word university in quotes, just to twist the knife a bit more </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124035 Fri, 25 May 2012 11:34:52 +0000 ianslat 124035@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it. Can you get the Tulisa (her X-Factor replacement) sex-tape in there too? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-123982 Thu, 24 May 2012 19:38:42 +0000 Thor 123982@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I’ll give it five (snigger). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-123975 Thu, 24 May 2012 19:00:45 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 123975@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think this is a great idea, but for me the story doesn't quite live up to its potential. I don't think the euphemisms really add to it either, it might actually work better if it was more explicit. And I think it would work better if it was a younger fan too.</p> <p>'Who does she think she is? She wouldn't be where she was today if it wasn't for her fans. You'd think that the least she could do is toss off a dying teenage boy to show her appreciation. I certainly won't be buying any more of her music, and I've a good mind to find somebody else to wank over too.'</p> <p>How about dragging the Make a Wish foundation into it too? He could sue them for not granting his wish, and they could respond by saying they try to make dreams come true, but don't actually have the power to force celebrities to perform sex acts against their will. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-123973 Thu, 24 May 2012 17:24:32 +0000 Oxbridge 123973@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As he fought his last battle with bowel cancer, 57-year-old Swindon accounts manager Raymond Carruthers always knew what his last wish was for: 'I want a hand job off Cheryl Cole. That would be the ultimate happy finish', he said. Alas, it was not to be his family are now slating the 'callous' Geordie songbird for letting Carruthers die in misery.</p> <p>'We emailed her management - no answer. We rang the X-Factor office - they just sniggered,' said Carruthers' grieving brother Brian. 'A quick tug was all my brother wanted but Little Miss Hoity-Toity the nation's sweetheart is obviously too busy to bother about her fans these days. Raymond loved her, even though he was first diagnosed in 2002 when Girls Aloud were formed. That might be a coincidence, of course, I'm just saying.'</p> <p>According to analysts, Cole's attitude is symptomatic of an alarming decline in the willingness of pop stars to meet their followers' heartfelt wishes over the past 50 years. A recent report by Charles Murray-Jones, Professor of Dappy From N Dubz Studies at the University of Leicester, noted that the Rolling Stones combined had sex with over 200 groupies on one three-week tour in 1968. 'Today, the likes of Justin Bieber can't even manage one,' said Murray-Jones sadly.</p> <p>Brian Davison remains unable to accept Cole's excuse for not battling the purple yogurt slinger. 'A nice smile and a quick tug was all he wanted. Oh, and a cheerleader outfit. I bet she wasn't so picky for Mr Ashley la-de-da Cole. What did he have that my brother didn't? Other than a multi-million pound mansion, ten Bentleys, a well-ripped six pack and the ability to maintain an erection.'</p> <p>Not all celebrities are quite so selfish when it comes to painting the flag pole, however. When she heard of Raymond's plight, Katie Price volunteered to drive over to the hospice, oil herself up milk the lizard in and stream it live on her website. 'Unfortunately she wanted to sing as well,' said Brian. 'And we didn't want anything to finish off poor Raymond ahead of her time. But it was a nice thought all the same.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40499#post-115176 Mon, 26 Mar 2012 11:27:32 +0000 UnfitMother 115176@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36325#post-101893 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 13:11:37 +0000 medici2471 101893@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Reader's Wives couldn't get past 69 this week </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36325#post-101856 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 10:35:22 +0000 writinginbsl 101856@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>funny</p> <p>stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36325#post-101835 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 09:41:20 +0000 John Ffitch-Rucker 101835@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Of course, after they’ve got to number one, they’ll have to go down. Again. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36325#post-101832 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 09:25:22 +0000 Oxbridge 101832@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>[digitally remastered in anticipation...]</p> <p>It has been described as the ultimate feel-good story, an anthem sung by a choir made up entirely of the wives of Britain's heroic footballers, and it has now taken the coveted Christmas Number One spot. The story has even make an unlikely star of lead singer Cheryl Cole, wife of the Chelsea left back, who has hitherto led a quiet life of shopping, gyrating in her underwear and talking unintelligibly about cosmetics.</p> <p>More remarkable still, the lyrics were put together entirely from messages texted by the WAGs to their footballers and set to music by choirmaster Gareth Malone. '(You Better Not Be Shagging Some Skank) When You're Away From Me' has touched the heart of the nation, making people aware of the sacrifices made by the women who are facing up to a lonely Boxing Day with their loved ones away to West Bromwich Albion.</p> <p>Malone said that he was hugely privileged to work with these inspirational ladies. Who, he asked rhetorically, could fail to be moved by lyrics like</p> <p>Missin u loads babes<br /> Hope u score but not like dat!!!</p> <p>Or</p> <p>Get onto ur agent NOW<br /> I cant live off of 20k a week</p> <p>'The papers have focused on the courageous men serving at the front of the Arsenal line on cold Wednesday nights in Sunderland,' said Cole. 'But they shouldn't forget the women stuck on their own back here with nothing but 75 pairs of gold shoes for company. It's us who keep things going on the home front by switching off the snooker room lights and getting someone in to clean out the jacuzzi.' </p> <p>It was touch and go all the way to the nerve-wracking moment when Radio One announced that the Footballers' Wives had indeed clinched the top spot in the charts. They had faced tough competition from Little Mix, Cliff Richard and Jive Bunny's remix of the Dead Kennedys classic 'Too Drunk to Fuck', finally securing the win by just a few hundred downloads.</p> <p>'I think it would've been nailed on from the start if we could have got Victoria Beckham involved,' Cole said, 'but we have to respect the fact that she has a phobia about being heard singing in public.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25810#post-70370 Wed, 01 Jun 2011 08:52:23 +0000 Ludicity 70370@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanking you all muchly. xx </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25810#post-70359 Wed, 01 Jun 2011 08:13:12 +0000 pinxit 70359@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Works extremely well as FP. Excellent. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25810#post-70309 Tue, 31 May 2011 21:29:04 +0000 bonjonelson 70309@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>not only am I liking it muchly, I think it's Gr8, FTW! </p>