http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=camilla The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 19 Jun 2013 17:26:11 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14218#post-158674 Fri, 18 Jan 2013 10:24:32 +0000 The All New Jeni B 158674@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>But not now, SoB. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14218#post-158669 Fri, 18 Jan 2013 10:04:41 +0000 Son of Barnabas 158669@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I, think, I, need, to, back, up, my, brain, </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14218#post-158659 Fri, 18 Jan 2013 09:48:26 +0000 Midnight Dreary 158659@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>kazytc's posts in their entirety in near-English</blockquote></p> <p>Verbatim, then. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14218#post-158657 Fri, 18 Jan 2013 09:45:48 +0000 waylandsmithy 158657@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like to think spammers are posting kazytc's posts in their entirety in near-English on German satire sites. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14218#post-158649 Fri, 18 Jan 2013 09:32:17 +0000 Lucy4 158649@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely spelling </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14218#post-158634 Fri, 18 Jan 2013 08:56:44 +0000 charlies_hat 158634@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think she was going for a ticker with this one </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14218#post-158633 Fri, 18 Jan 2013 08:56:42 +0000 Yikes 158633@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The first LINE used up seven commas! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14218#post-158632 Fri, 18 Jan 2013 08:53:36 +0000 Titus 158632@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Emergency declared as national comma shortage is caused by entire British supply being consumed by Kazytc in just one massive, unintelligible, rambling post. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14218#post-158603 Fri, 18 Jan 2013 02:30:54 +0000 rickwestwell 158603@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good to see this lump of genius being bumped by the replica handbag spam, especially in view of kaz's recent tragic demise. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42722#post-122121 Thu, 10 May 2012 12:45:40 +0000 WendysBigRegret 122121@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://payload53.cargocollective.com/1/5/185047/3378961/news2_1_1000.jpg"></p> <p>With only a month to go until the Jubilee celebrations, Buckingham Palace yesterday revealed that the plan for a 1000-strong flotilla on the Thames has been axed.</p> <p>Following the surprise announcement, a Palace spokesman commented: “Now that we are entering a double-dip recession it seemed only right that the Jubilee celebrations should be scaled back. The Queen is very much of the opinion that as we’re all in it together the Royal Family should be seen to acknowledge the harsh economic climate in which this party will take place.”</p> <p>However, the artist’s impression that has been released is dividing opinion, with the most vociferous criticism coming from The Society for Flag Waving Patriots. Chairman Jonathan Brittan said: “We’ve been looking forward to this Jubilee since the last one, and our members can’t believe that we’ll have to stand by the Thames cheering a banana boat instead of an elegant flotilla. All that taxpayers' money is being spent on the Olympics, but we should be spending it on the Queen. It’s a disgrace.” </p> <p>Banana boat manufacturers have reacted positively and the industry expects sales to soar, with insiders already expressing concerns about shortages. Newquay businessman Roger Bellows, who runs a seafront shop said: “Small inflatables like rubber rings, lilos and armbands for kids always sell well in the summer season, but banana boats are more niche. The beauty of the banana boat is that it’s impossible not to have fun on one, so once the whole country has seen the Royals on theirs people will be rushing out to buy one of their own.” </p> <p>In response to the suggestion that the new proposal looks ‘cheap’, a senior Palace press officer claimed that “it actually represents the bargain hunting mentality we should all be adopting, and will showcase to the world that the British monarchy is up for a laugh in these gloomy times.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19536#post-52646 Wed, 05 Jan 2011 13:03:00 +0000 Gary Stanton 52646@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Police last night urgently requested that the yobs who stared Camilla directly in the eye should contact them immediately as they may require urgent medical attention. </p> <p>Releasing photographs of the suspects, police insisted that it was for their own benefit and that they should at least report to the A&amp;E ward of the nearest NHS hospital if they develop any of the symptoms associated with turning into a six foot pillar of stone. </p> <p>Police say they are especially concerned for the welfare of two suspects, one of whom gazed into the Duchess of Cornwall’s eyes long enough for her to do the snake-thing with her hair. </p> <p>They claim they have further footage which shows a woman with a stupid haircut repeatedly poking the Duchess in the ribs with a placard whereupon she is wrestled to the ground by a large python emanating from Camilla’s scalp. The python is clearly au fait with how to operate the electric rear windows on a Ford Galaxy and would be described as Ash blonde on the Henna scale when in its natural state. </p> <p>One rioter, who wished to remain anonymous, said: </p> <p>“I only stared at the Duchess for a nanosecond. Three days later I woke up in my bedsit covered in fox blood with an overwhelming urge to wreck my best friend’s marriage and tidy the kitchen . Such is her power. ”</p> <p>“Hey maybe fees aren’t a bad idea after all. What's nine grand? I'd only spend it on Pulp albums. ” </p> <p>Meanwhile, It has emerged that Camilla was barred from making further appearances at the Kensington &amp; Chelsea Hospital after patients complained of a gritty sensation in their mouths following a fleeting visit she made last June. </p> <p>Earlier this morning police cordoned off an area of Central London after a suspicious six-foot block of granite wearing spectacles and carrying a partially-read copy of Friedrich Engel’s “The Condition of the Working Class in England” was discovered in an alleyway off Regents Street. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18243#post-49212 Sun, 12 Dec 2010 20:16:44 +0000 deskpilot3 49212@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, we're both prankers, say Cameron and Clegg... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18243#post-49187 Sun, 12 Dec 2010 17:56:19 +0000 FormerlyAlOPecia 49187@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"University Fees rise a "student prank" admit Cameron and Clegg." might make a better headline. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18243#post-49171 Sun, 12 Dec 2010 14:28:54 +0000 deskpilot3 49171@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>if only.... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18243#post-49131 Sat, 11 Dec 2010 21:50:59 +0000 Malcum eggs 49131@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brill 5 </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18243#post-49103 Sat, 11 Dec 2010 17:44:49 +0000 Nick Wright 49103@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'We were only joking,' claimed Cameron and Clegg in an extraordinary turn of events earlier today. 'We were surprised the student fees hoax was taken so seriously. It was only intended as a bit of festive fun. We thought students liked that sort of thing.' </p> <p>This latest twist in the university funding fiasco has left student leaders feeling embarrassed. 'On reflection, we should have realised no government could ever have tabled such ludicrous proposals as serious education funding policy. The penny should have dropped when they kept referring to the proposals as 'progressive'.'</p> <p>Cameron and Clegg appeared smiling together on the steps of 10 Downing Street. 'We thought the proposals would get people out on the streets in the fresh air to have a bit of fun, exercising and keeping fit together. You would have to agree that, in this respect, the spoof proved an enormous success.'</p> <p>The police and London authorities were less than amused. Clearing away the debris from the week’s protest marches and faced with mounting bills for an exclusive royal car re-spray, they declined to comment. Charles and Camilla are reported to be recovering well from arriving late at theatre. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14218#post-38452 Mon, 18 Oct 2010 01:28:39 +0000 Kazytc 38452@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The US, magazine, 'Vanity Fair', have conducted an interview, with Prince Charles, during which, Prince Charles, audaciously tried to promote his 'Green Manifesto':</p> <p>'Harmony: A New Way Of Looking At Our World'</p> <p>described as a 'blueprint for a more balanced world', to include a plea, to 'return to a more natural and less complicated way of life', at the same time as admitted to having a staff of 124, which cost the British Tax payer, around 6 million pounds per year.</p> <p>This was a blunder, which has resulted in costing Prince Charles, very dearly....</p> <p>UK Prime Minister, David Cameron, on reading this interview, not to mention the included, long list of staff and their duties to Prince Charles, which even include members of staff being paid to talk to his plants, and squeeze his toothpaste, decided that, in line with spending cuts in the UK, there must be some, made in Royal Households too..</p> <p>Prince Charles, outraged at David Cameron, immediately, commissioned one of his private secretaries, to write to David Cameron, to appeal against this unwelcome ruling, but David Cameron stuck to his guns, and insisted that Prince Charles, must learn to manage on a budget of no more than 2 million pounds per year, which of course is a 3rd of the current spending.</p> <p>This means that Prince Charles, will have to learn to do things like, tie his own shoe laces, squeeze his own toothpaste, and run his own bath, which up to now, he has had a valet to do this for him.</p> <p>Prince Charles's personal valets, Lee Dopey-Dobbin and Tiny Tim McHandless, were ordered by David Cameron, to teach Prince Charles how to do the menial things which, they used to do, whilst facing imminent redundancy, thanks to David Cameron's ruling.<br /> Things are however, not going very smoothly, in the Royal Household.....</p> <p>This morning, Tiny Tim McHandless, tried in vain, to teach Prince Charles to squeeze his own toothpaste, but Prince Charles in the midst of trying to do this, squirted half of the tube of toothpaste, all over himself and the bathroom sink and mirror, which saw him become so enraged, that he threw the tube down on the floor, and stamped on it, causing the remainder of toothpaste to squirt all over the lino, in the bathroom.</p> <p>Prince Charles, ordered one of his orderlies, Clive Mops, to clean up the mess, but he refused to do this, as he was told that his new job, was to teach Prince Charles, to clean up his own mess, and promptly handed him a cleaning cloth and some floor cleaning fluid.</p> <p>Prince Charles became even more enraged, and after snatching the floor cleaner from Clive Mops, proceeded to squirt the fluid in his face, in the heat of temper.<br /> Clive Mops, reached for Prince Charles's posh new towel, and wiped the fluid off his face, but this saw the situation get even more out of hand, as Prince Charles was furious, that a mere servant , had dared to use his towel costing £5,000, to wipe cleaning fluid, off his face.</p> <p>Prince Charles told Clive Mops, that he was sacked, prompting Clive Mops, to seek to claim damages, for unfair dismissal, having been ordered to leave the Royal Household, at once.</p> <p>Meanwhile, back in the bathroom, Prince Charles, still covered in toothpaste, called for the assistance of another Orderly, by the name of John Scrubbs-Allen, who tried diplomatically, to show Prince Charles how to clean up his own mess, but Prince Charles, was having none of this, and stamped his foot in a temper, which resulted in him putting his foot right into the toothpaste, now smeared all over the lino floor.<br /> The mess having become worse, further enraged Prince Charles, who could not be reasoned, with by his staff, who for trying to reason with him, were also sacked by Prince Charles, on the grounds of 'insubordination'.</p> <p>With 2 Orderlies sacked, Prince Charles was down to 6 out of his former 8, and no let up to the foul temper Prince Charles, was in.</p> <p>7 of the remaining Orderlies, met with the same fate, after trying in vain, to teach Prince Charles how to clean up his own mess.</p> <p>Prince Charles summoned the last of his former 8 Orderlies, Simon Shoeshine, to do as he was told, and clean up the mess, he cleaned up the mess, but was sacked by the House Manager, Kevin No-Mess, for doing so.</p> <p>But the trouble did not stop there, as Prince Charles, still covered in toothpaste, and now running late for an engagement, demanded that another of his Valets, Lee Dopey-Dobbin, make haste to clean him up, and get him ready in time, for the said engagement.</p> <p>Lee-Dopey-Dobbin, refused, as his new role was to teach Prince Charles, how to clean himself, up, this further incensed Prince Charles, who sacked him with immediate effect.<br /> Prince Charles, at a loss as to know what to do, tried calling other members of staff, but no one answered his calls, and it soon became apparent, that his staff were outside, Prince Charles's Highgrove home, staging a picket against the unfair dismissal and ill-treatment of the ones who were sacked and abused, by Prince Charles.</p> <p>Prince Charles, left to try and get himself cleaned up and dressed, emerged 3 hours later, wearing a creased suit, crumpled shirt, knotted tie, lying cock-eyed on his chest, crumpled silk breast pocket handkerchief, with toothpaste all over his face, not to mention pieces of cotton wool, all over his cheeks, and chin, where he had cut himself shaving. </p> <p>There was even blobs of toothpaste on his shoes and suit.</p> <p>Prince Charles, had to set out, to drive himself, to his engagement, after sacking all 124 members of his staff, for daring to picket. </p> <p>However, en route to the engagement, Prince Charles has an accident, after swerving to avoid an oncoming horse, and ending up in a ditch, covered in mud and horse muck.</p> <p>Even more irate Prince Charles, lost his temper with the horse rider, who subsequently refused to call someone, to help dig his car out of the ditch.</p> <p>Prince Charles, was found 2 hours later, tearfully talking to the trees surrounding the ditch, by two police officers, who were on their way to Prince Charles's country home, following a tip off, that it had been burgled.</p> <p>Prince Charles, was given a lift home, by the police officers, who kindly laid out a plastic bin liner, on the back of their police car, so that Prince Charles, didn't mess up their back seat.</p> <p>Upon arrival at Highgrove House, Prince Charles's country home, police insisted that Prince Charles, remained in the police car, whilst they took a look around his home, just in case the burglars, were still at large.</p> <p>Prince Charles, was horrified to see his wife Camilla jumping into an Oxfam van, at the side of their home, with two men dressed in scruffy second hand clothing, as the van drove past Prince Charles, in the police car, Camilla leaned out of the window of the van, and shouted:</p> <p>"I am leaving you, and taking my share of the estate, I cannot live any longer with a buffoon who talks to trees"!</p> <p>Prince Charles, outraged at this, ran into his home, to see if he could find the police, but they had waited until he had ran into his home to look for them, before rushing to leave the grounds of his home and head back to the police station, acting upon orders, from David Cameron, to ensure that the Royal family, to include Prince Charles, didn't waste any more police time or the valuable resources of the police.</p> <p>There will be no more Royal scrounging engagements, by the Royal Family, so those who were expecting Royal visits, can now save the money, which they were planning to spend on gifts, for Royal scroungers, and get on with enjoying, Royal Scrounger free zones.</p> <p>Prince Charles, unable to write a letter himself, or drive his own car safely, will not be able to write any more letters to David Cameron, demanding a change to his ruling, nor will he be able to drive to London, to pester David Cameron in person, either.</p> <p>Rumour has it that, the Royal Family, are to become scruffy hermits, living in unkempt homes, with no staff to nanny state them.</p> <p>David Cameron, in the wake of these events, has pledged more money for hospitals, to include psychiatric hospitals, just in case the Royal family, require more shock treatment, this is viewed as being very fair, on the part of David Cameron.</p> <p>7,000 plants and 10,000 trees, at Highgrove House, have perished in the incident, as Prince Charles failed to get around to them all in time, to give them a good talking to for himself.</p> <p>Rest assured, that the spending cuts, sanctioned by David Cameron, are absolutely necessary, for the economy and for a 'more natural and less complicated way of life' in the UK.</p> <p>The 124 members staff, who once served Prince Charles, have filed for a collective unfair dismissal claim, against Prince Charles, totaling 90 million pounds, which of course, will have to be met by the UK taxpayer, but David Cameron's government, have saved 6 million pounds, in staffing costs to Prince Charles, so everyone is happy, about the savings to the UK taxpayer, apart from the Royals that is.</p> <p>We shall of course, keep you updated on this story, as perhaps, more scruffy Royals, emerge from hiding, if any.</p> <p>More news later, watch this space, minus scruffy Royals covered in Toothpaste. </p>