http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=bp The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 19 Jun 2013 07:50:46 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9763#post-26407 Wed, 04 Aug 2010 20:28:27 +0000 topbrief 26407@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>Further oil on BP's troubled waters....</strong></p> <p>With the leaking oil well now apparently successfully plugged it might have looked as though BP’s troubles were now all behind them. The dismissal of the Chief Executive, Tony Hayward looked as though it was the final chapter in a year that had seen the corporation’s reputation tarnished by a massive environmental disaster and murky rumours about the company’s apparent influence over the Scottish Government’s controversial decision last year to allow the premature release of convicted Libyan terrorist Abdelbaset al-Megrahi. </p> <p>But just when the Board of Directors might have thought they’d got their lives back a new set of problems has appeared on the horizon.</p> <p>A leading academic has now uncovered evidence which suggests that the company may well have played a pivotal role in events which led to the crack appearing in that most sacred of American icons - The Liberty Bell.</p> <p><img src="http://emails.wexas.com/images/destinations/United-States/Philadelphia_LibertyBell.jpg"></p> <p>Professor Stephen Carillon, a tintinologist at the University of Philadelphia, has uncovered documents from the city archives dating back almost ninety years and which appears to cast doubt on the original version of events. History had suggested that the crack simply appeared during testing, shortly after the bell had been hung from temporary scaffolding near to the State House in Philadephia, but Professor Carillon says that simply doesn’t ring true.</p> <p>Pointing to the dusty pile of papers in his cramped office he posits, in his Southern drawl, an alternative theory; <blockquote><em>‘Well these records go back to the very beginning of our civilisation – they’re almost one hundred years old – and they show that the bell came from London not far from the present offices of BP. Stands to reason they had something to do with it - don’t it?’</em></blockquote></p> <p>Sure enough, our own enquiries confirm that BP’s global headquarters in St James’ in London are less than four miles away from the Whitechapel Foundary where, in 1752, the bell was cast.</p> <p>And, if further proof were needed, Professor Carillon explains how the bell was brought over from England in a boat called <em>Hibernia</em> – the Latin name for Ireland – a place which has been visited on more than one occasion by BP’s gaffe-prone former boss Tony Hayward.</p> <p>No-one from BP was available for comment today. On Wall Street the market reacted poorly to this latest piece of bad news and the BP share price continued to fall all day until the market’s closing bell rang.</p> <p>Meanwhile, in New York, a team of international scientists are meeting to discuss emerging evidence which suggests BP has a history littered with the disasters of deep sea oil drilling. According to records kept at Companies House in London, in 1911 the company commissioned a rig called ‘<em>Eisberg</em>’ to drill for oil in the mid-Atlantic. Radio contact with the rig was suddenly lost one night in mid-April 1912 and no trace of the men aboard was ever found. Unhappily, the sinking of RMS Titanic in the same area at the same time meant that rescue efforts were diverted to assist the passengers of that ill-fated ship. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9373#post-25422 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 21:41:22 +0000 Skylarking 25422@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Gentlemen and Ladeez, a new satirical talent is amongst our number.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9373#post-25413 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 20:42:21 +0000 The All New Jeni B 25413@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well, doubly well done you!!<br /> Really fab debut Mr Slick, some clever ideas, and nicely written too.<br /> Welcome.</p> <p>(*Please note that the above comment is meant to be supportive and welcoming, and not sycophantic and toadying*) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9373#post-25409 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 20:38:27 +0000 ColinSlick 25409@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for the comments. I'm a long time reader, first time contributor! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9373#post-25280 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 12:44:29 +0000 SingingHinny 25280@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Stars, for making a trout sound hot. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9373#post-25279 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 12:41:41 +0000 4ty2 25279@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>brilliant. </p> <p>Google adds:<br /> we will help you navigate the world of FOREX (and nasdaq)</p> <p>as clearly all they now need are bankers down there to multiply their wealth. I guess they have plenty of sharks on loan but what creatures will be morgan stanly and the like? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9373#post-25258 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 12:09:15 +0000 Tristan Shout 25258@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>If nautical nonsense be something you wish... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9373#post-25223 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 10:51:39 +0000 jp1885 25223@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Much chucklefication - 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9373#post-25220 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 10:26:29 +0000 Sharpehunter 25220@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What can I say, a brilliant piece of work.. I am a fan and just can't wait for the next movie now! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9373#post-25218 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 10:09:22 +0000 arrghgarry 25218@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>keep his friends close but his anemones closer". 5 just fo that </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9373#post-25212 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 09:28:26 +0000 ColinSlick 25212@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fans of comical sea sponge SpongeBob Squarepants are to receive a shock when the new series launches later this summer. Gone are the whimsical tales of humorous starfish, mishaps with barnacles and humble ocean adventures. In are tales of financial wheeler dealing, corporate skulduggery and designer (shell) suits as the series changes to reflect the new found wealth of the oil-rich undersea world.</p> <p>Series producer Joe Smith explains "Things have changed since the last series went off the air. Many ocean inhabitants like SpongeBob are now sitting on a small fortune thanks to the sudden and inexplicable appearance of gallons of oil in their own back reefs. You can see ostentatious displays of this new found wealth already. Sharks have started to get gold teeth put in, many schools of fish have turned private, and just the other day I saw an octopus wearing a ten gallon hat with a stunning mermaid on each of his eight arms. It's important that we reflect these changes on the show".</p> <p>The new series sees SpongeBob leave his humble job at the Krusty Krab restaurant to head up Squarepants Oil as its new CEO. Loyal starfish friend Patrick Starr joins SpongeBob at the company as his right fin man, but insiders suggest that even he cannot be trusted. Smith confirms that SpongeBob will need to "keep his friends close but his anemones closer". </p> <p>New characters set to join the show include a 'super bitch' mermaid who tries to wring SpongeBob dry of his wealth after seducing him with her curvaceous legs, buxom fish torso and sexy trout pout. Also joining them are Slimy Seabird, a pelican with a slick backed hairstyle and oily demeanor to match, and Toxic Tony, a former CEO who has been banished to live in the ocean as penance for doing some very bad things.</p> <p>Leaked storylines reveal that SpongeBob gets into deep water as the series progresses, culminating in a cliffhanger season finale which sees him shot by a mystery assailant. Viewers need not worry too much though, as he will emerge miraculously unscathed from the shower at the start of the following series, having been mistaken for a loofer.</p> <p>Spilling the beans even further, Smith promises the new series will be "darker, slicker, and full of crude material". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9372#post-25210 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 09:21:04 +0000 ColinSlick 25210@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a move considered surprising by many industry observers, BP have today announced their appointment of renowned super hero and eco champion The Toxic Avenger as their new CEO. 'Toxie' joins the multinational corporation after an eventful career fighting crime, which began at the age of sixteen when he was dumped into a vat of toxic chemicals by a gang of thugs.</p> <p>Speaking at a hastily arrange press conference earlier today, the hideously mutated super hero said "I'm delighted to be joining BP and look forward to leading the company through this period of change and transition. In addition to coordinating our clean up operations in the gulf and ensuring full support from our board of directors, I hope to bring my own experience to bear by single handedly fighting the giant mutant sea creatures that will surely start climbing ashore on the beaches of Mexico any day now".</p> <p>The sombre atmosphere was alleviated briefly when, responding to journalist Derek Jones's question of how he intends to deal with the leak, Toxie began outlining his twelve point plan of co-ordinated relief efforts before Mr. Jones clarified that he was actually referring to the leak of radioactive ooze that had begun to seep from an weeping pustule on the CEO's face, flowing over his Armani suit, and gathering in a pool on the floor.</p> <p>Shortly after the press conference, Toxie, together with journalists from the world's press, flew to a beach on the northern Gulf coast for a photo opportunity that saw him pose with his trademark mop, attempting to clean up the spill whilst occasionally swigging large mouthfuls of the oil and screaming 'Ahhhhh, glorious, glorious, sludge, aaaaaaaaa'.</p> <p>Reports say that Toxie was tempted to join the oil giant by a package that included several thousand barrels of radioactive sludge per annum and a palatial 16 acre swamp lair just outside The Hamptons. </p> <p>In an ironic twist, BP's outgoing Chief Executive has been offered a senior position on the international executive board of Super Villains. The multinational evil organisation, whose members include Doctor Doom, The Joker and billionaire Lex Luthor, said in a statement released today that "the destruction of hundred of miles of coastline and wreaking of untold damage to the planet's ecosystem are impressive achievements for any super villain to have on their CV. We look forward to working with this man who shall henceforth be known as Doctor Slick, on a range of evil schemes and apocalyptic endeavours". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9304#post-24957 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 11:38:20 +0000 MaverickRat 24957@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wrong room again....... I'll get my coat! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9304#post-24956 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 11:35:46 +0000 MaverickRat 24956@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Due to the recent success of BP's cap building department it was announced today that they had won the tender to construct the immigration cap. The Prime Minister said that this gave him the confidence that it would not blow up in their faces. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9099#post-24462 Sun, 25 Jul 2010 14:26:54 +0000 virtuallywill 24462@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>NewsBiscuit, pouring oil on troubled waters..... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8928#post-24029 Thu, 22 Jul 2010 15:38:55 +0000 Mary Evans 24029@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Dropping fairly imminent Gaz - if I can't deliver at home, perhaps I'll pop up to the elephant enclosure at Chester Zoo - sounds like they're dab hands. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8928#post-24005 Thu, 22 Jul 2010 13:48:32 +0000 Gary Stanton 24005@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Tidied this up a bit during the lunch break. Now with added gags. Hopefully. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8957#post-24003 Thu, 22 Jul 2010 12:49:57 +0000 mr_lizard13 24003@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Supermarket behemoth Tesco has inadvertently solved the BP oil crisis by building a store over the ruptured well. </p> <p>The new outlet, the latest in Tesco's seabed store concept, has brought timely good news for British Prime Minister David Cameron who is currently visiting the US for some reason.</p> <p>Shares in BP climbed on the news, with the oil giant's CEO Tony Hayward apparently sighing "thank f*ck for that, I've got my life back". Markets have been rife with speculation of a possible takeover of BP, whose shares have plummeted in value since the start of the crisis in April.</p> <p>"It's a bit of a mixed feeling to be honest", said a Tesco spokesman. "We had been hoping to buy BP and build a big petrol station around it. But not now the price has gone up."</p> <p>A press release confirmed the new store has purged the spill, which has destroyed miles of coastline and laminated thousands of fluffy birds. "It was never our intention to solve the oil disaster" read the note to investors, adding "in fact, we had no idea that bit of the ocean floor was where the hole was. We're just chucking these stores all over the place as fast as we can. </p> <p>"If we don't do it, Starbucks will." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8928#post-23971 Thu, 22 Jul 2010 10:13:25 +0000 Gary Stanton 23971@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks Mary . Aren't you about to drop one soon ? </p> <p>Good luck with that anyhow. Talking of elephants, Chester zoo have recently delivered a new one which sounds like shit news for the meerkats , come to think of it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8928#post-23945 Thu, 22 Jul 2010 09:07:54 +0000 Mary Evans 23945@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Gazza - you are a very naughty engine. Made me laugh my elephantine bum off. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8928#post-23942 Thu, 22 Jul 2010 09:02:18 +0000 Gary Stanton 23942@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a move likely to put further strain on Anglo-US relations, it has emerged Lockerbie bomber, Abdelbaset Ali Megrahi, is to enter the 2011 London Marathon dressed as popular Disney character Mickey Mouse.</p> <p>Despite an earlier cancer scare, Megrahi has been passed as fit to compete by the same doctors who over-estimated the size of his original tumour and is said to be feeling ‘totally up for it’ and ‘relishing the challenge’.</p> <p>Although hugely controversial, many companies are seeking to take advantage of Megrahi’s high profile and have offered to sponsor the former terrorist. Lucozade Sport look to have beaten off a challenge by BP who wanted Megrahi to dress as an oil-rig bearing the BP logo in order to boost the beleaguered offshore drilling industry, but Megrahi claims he found their costume to cumbersome and wasn’t sure what to do with the pipe running out of the back .</p> <p>Megrahi has been undergoing a series of intensive exercise programs and uses a long stretch of the Libyan coastline for endurance training. He can be seen most mornings sprinting along the beach being shouted at by a man in a white jeep holding a loud-hailer, whilst the inspirational theme music to Rocky plays loudly in the background. Only last week he managed to beat his personal best – shaving several minutes off the time achieved by Paula Radcliffe in Athens, not including the half hour she spent curling one off into the gutter.</p> <p>President Barack Obama meanwhile is said to have reacted with fury to the news, but calmed down somewhat after realising he is in a very special relationship with the British PM. He told a packed conference: </p> <p>‘I spoke to David on the phone and he has offered me his assurances that, if Megrahi does take part, he will be denied refreshments in the form of little plastic cups of water for the duration of the race, which should help those seeking ‘closure’. I imagine when he finishes he will have a real thirst on him. David is also going to try and wangle it so that he is forced to run alongside Sir Jimmy Saville OBE.’ </p> <p>‘Payback time!‘</p> <p> However, many in the Cabinet feel Megrahi’s participation will not only harm transatlantic relations, but will prove too gruelling for the sprightly mass murderer and a compromise is being sought to allow Megrahi to enter the Great North Run dressed as a chicken. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8791#post-23588 Tue, 20 Jul 2010 13:17:06 +0000 jp1885 23588@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Chortle </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8791#post-23582 Tue, 20 Jul 2010 12:49:42 +0000 newbietryer 23582@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>“We can’t refine it if it has seaweed in it “ – BP spokesperson </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8651#post-23221 Fri, 16 Jul 2010 14:28:31 +0000 zanjero 23221@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>President Obama made a special presentation to Tony Hayward, the introverted but some would say out-going Chief Executive of BP at a special ceremony in the Oval Office this morning.</p> <p>During the proceedings the President thanked Mr Hayward for being a stalwart and unceasing distraction from the economic problems of his country and a man that the US could count on when looking for a benchmark against which others could readily judge their tact and wit.</p> <p>The life, said to contain some pleasing if unremarkable family elements and a nice pen had been held in storage by the President throughout the recent oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.</p> <p>In thanking the President Mr Hayward remarked that he had missed the life and was particularly looking forward to his enormous salary and car. </p> <p>His wife and family were not able to remain for the remainder of his speech but when interviewed were said to be pleased to have been released from the White House cupboard that had been their home for the previous three months. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7575#post-20450 Thu, 01 Jul 2010 12:38:58 +0000 davell 20450@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Reports have been received of a crash involving the UK economy and another vehicle on the elevated section of the M4 near Port Talbot, South Wales. Eye witnesses of the crash, which occurred in the early hours of Thursday morning, have suggested that the economy seemed to lose control of fiscal and banking regulatory policy shortly before careering wildly into the path of an oncoming articulated lorry.</p> <p>Police, Fire Brigade and Ambulance Service personnel have been drafted in from all over South Wales to deal with the emergency which has been described by some locals as “Really, really bad, you know?”. </p> <p>As yet unconfirmed, reports suggest that a number of major banks have received emergency “cash injections” at the scene and that car manufacturing giants Vauxhall and Jaguar may still be trapped in the wreckage.</p> <p>Although government sources have been at some pains to point out that this is not the first time that the UK economy has been involved in a crash of this sort and that it is very much “ …business as usual”, on this occasion political commentators and police alike have been united in their condemnation of the way it has been driven over recent months.</p> <p>Calls for a full “root and branch” public enquiry into the causes of the crash have come from motoring pundit and Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, who has been quoted as saying: “This was, quite literally, an accident waiting to happen. The 10 years under the previous administration turned the UK economy into a bloated, out of control, gas-guzzling gravy train … which suffers, massively, by comparison to the sheer draw-dropping brilliance of the Bugatti Veyron. At an on the road price of more than £800K the Veyron seems a tad on the expensive side, but when you consider that it delivers a loin girding 922 lb ft of torque @ 2200rpm, and 0-60 in an eye-wateringly fast 2.5 seconds it’s easy to see that it out-performs the UK economy in every measure that counts. END. OF”</p> <p>Tributes have been received for Petro-Chemical giants BP (99), said to be in a critical condition at Swansea’s Morriston Hospital. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7514#post-20248 Wed, 30 Jun 2010 21:08:31 +0000 nabidana 20248@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Chief Executive of BP Tony Hayward has startled critics by demanding the return of BP’s oil washed up in marshland and beaches across the American Gulf coast.</p> <p>Speaking at a key shareholders meeting in London, Mr. Hayward showed images of sea birds coated in the foul-smelling brown emulsified slime being leached into the Atlantic, and demanded their delivery to a BP depot recently established in Tampa, Florida.</p> <p>“The fact is, whether it’s stuck to the majestic cormorant or slathered on the wings of seagulls, that precious, precious oil belongs to BP, and we have a right to have it back. Theft by finding is still theft in the USA, and our shareholders have a right to the return of our product.”</p> <p>Mr Hayward went on to show images of relief workers pouring the gelatinous substance into barrels.</p> <p>“This is disgraceful. The federal authorities in the USA are quite simply encouraging people to steal our oil. It’s ours. I want my oil back.”</p> <p>Mr Hayward’s presentation was followed by BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg, who gave an updated appraisal of the situation on the ground in the Gulf coastal region.</p> <p>“All in all, things are looking up for the small people in America. Your beaches, your beautiful seabirds and your wonderful, succulent shrimp are, thanks to the work of BP, now among the best lubricated on Earth. Frankly, I don’t know what Your President’s banging on about. But Tony’s right- we want our oil back, small people.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7466#post-20145 Wed, 30 Jun 2010 11:35:30 +0000 AlexR 20145@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>End is nigh for Tony Hayward's PR contract with Ashley Cole. More soon. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7069#post-19054 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 22:29:23 +0000 Doctor Moptop 19054@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An FP, I bet!</p> <p>Catch! Stars coming your way. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7069#post-18978 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 12:13:24 +0000 Basil_B 18978@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Barak Obama's just emailed me to say give him 5 stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7069#post-18956 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 10:16:06 +0000 Genghis Cohen 18956@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Beleaguered BP chief executive Tony Hayward is to take his company’s strategy for tackling the Gulf of Mexico spill into a new phase by sitting on the Florida coastline in a ceremonial throne and instructing the oil not to advance any further.</p> <p>‘We got the idea from the 11th century Viking king of Denmark and England who tried the same stunt with the sea,’ said a BP spokesman. ‘Some people refer to him as Canute, but for the purposes of historical accuracy and to better reflect Tony’s own personal style, all our promotional material refers to Tony as being a real modern-day Cnut.’</p> <p>Hayward’s advisors are certain that this latest attempt to contain the oil spill will show the BP supremo in the light that millions around the world have always seen him in. ‘For those of us who’ve worked with Tony for years, we knew it was only a matter of time before he showed everyone what a Cnut he is. Some people are born Cnuts, others have to work their whole lives to get recognition. This is no less than Tony deserves.’</p> <p>Experts agree that Hayward has all the basic ingredients to succeed as a Cnut. ‘He’s in a position of great power, has only the merest grasp of scientific fact and doesn’t let reality get in the way of his worldview. More than anything this challenge is a question of character. Can Hayward show he is more of a Cnut than Cnut himself? Can he be the über-Cnut? I really think he can.’</p> <p>However, hopes that Hayward’s heroics might halt the advance of the oil slick were dented this afternoon when rehearsals for the attempt went badly. A BP spokesman said that Hayward was ‘stonewalled’ by the waves of oil which ignored his instructions and continued to lap about his feet, before accusing the slick of ‘astonishing complacency’.</p> <p>Sadly things went from bad to worse when a typographical error was later discovered in the BP press release. ‘Come and watch Tony Hayward, BP’s biggest shitter, as he sits on the throne and tries to force his waste out to sea,’ read the statement. ‘It’s unfortunate,’ said a spokesman, ‘but these things sometimes happen. Tony is also described as the Cnut from Kent. We’re just double-checking the spelling of Kent.’ </p>