http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=blair The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 14:52:29 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56158#post-162492 Wed, 13 Feb 2013 12:57:07 +0000 pinxit 162492@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thank you, thank you, thank you.</p> <p>Yup Yikes - a much snappier headline. =] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56158#post-162478 Wed, 13 Feb 2013 10:01:57 +0000 Titus 162478@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent! Love the pic.</p> <p>"And look, you know, our policy will be 'Superstition, superstition, superstition'.</p> <p>Might bnenfit from a rather simpler, slicker and more direct headline though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56158#post-162476 Wed, 13 Feb 2013 09:54:48 +0000 Yikes 162476@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Really like this Pinxit!</p> <p>Couldn't the headline be something as basic as:</p> <p>"Blair to run for Pope under ‘New Catholicism’ banner" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56158#post-162383 Tue, 12 Feb 2013 15:36:25 +0000 pinxit 162383@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks Sinnick. Too late for edit I'm afraid. Agree on headline too.</p> <p>Grazie mille! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56158#post-162362 Tue, 12 Feb 2013 11:30:46 +0000 Sinnick 162362@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>PS, the title doesn't quite grab my attention, though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56158#post-162361 Tue, 12 Feb 2013 11:29:34 +0000 Sinnick 162361@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great story, you've got the oratory style spot on - hard to do. Excellent Pic, as always. And a few daft gags.</p> <p>Could mention being a member of "Labour Youth" ?</p> <p>Call me a pedantic old git, but it should be "antipasti". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56158#post-162255 Mon, 11 Feb 2013 21:09:33 +0000 Jonny Shlep 162255@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As flights of fancy go this one's not quite so fanciful methinks hehehe.</p> <p>Nicely done Pinx and well done also for including a pretty sinister looking secret service woman in the background wearing shades. </p> <p>5! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56158#post-162254 Mon, 11 Feb 2013 21:06:09 +0000 Squudge 162254@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Is this a FP I see before me? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56158#post-162200 Mon, 11 Feb 2013 17:34:19 +0000 pinxit 162200@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A vision in cerise.</p> <p>Cheers Dick. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56158#post-162180 Mon, 11 Feb 2013 16:13:13 +0000 Dick Everyman 162180@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Aww - thanks for the hat-tip Pinxit - doesn't he look fabulous!!!!! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56158#post-162159 Mon, 11 Feb 2013 15:34:28 +0000 pinxit 162159@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ex Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced his intention to stand for the vacant position of Pope, following the resignation of Benedict XVI.</p> <p>The move has rocked the Catholic world, not least for the fact that Monsignor Blair has never taken holy vows and is married with children.</p> <p>"Listen, we in New Catholicism believe that the old Catholic ways can't be taken into the 21st century." said Blair, announcing his candidature.</p> <p>"Married priests, priests with children - nothing will be excluded. Not even, and look - I know the thought seems incredible now, but one day, y'know, we may even have gay catholic priests. Nothing's impossible."</p> <p>"In New Catholicism, we intend to break down the stuffiness of the Old Catholic establishment. No more Spanish practices, no more Spanish Inquisitions."</p> <p>"And that includes the practice of confessions," he said. "Especially confessions."</p> <p><img src="http://i830.photobucket.com/albums/zz223/pinxit2/Satire/pony_zpsa5b92eb2.jpg"></p> <p>Continuing his theme of modernisation, M. Blair went on to say, "All the antiquated ways of negotiating, such as late-night communion wine and antipasta talks in Vatican smoke-filled rooms, these will all be a thing of the past under New Catholicism."</p> <p> "Look, with all the challenges of the 21st Century, especially the threat from the Muslim 'Evil Empire', we can't stay rooted in the past and do nothing. I'll have them all touching cloth and kissing my holy ring before you know it."</p> <p>M. Blair's campaign strapline is believed to be, "New Catholicism: Prophylactics, Prophylactics, Prophylactics."</p> <p>He concluded his press conference by saying that, if elected, he would be known as Pope Tony I, adding "Or... y'know, 'Pony' for short."</p> <p><em>(Hat-tip to Dick Everyman)</em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47622#post-136719 Sun, 02 Sep 2012 19:29:13 +0000 BAJDixon 136719@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Light entertainment veteran Lionel Blair must pay for the destruction and sorrow he has wrought upon the world according to the Archbishop Emeritus of Cape Town, the Most Reverend Archbishop Desmond Tutu writing in this Sunday's Observer.</p> <p>The recognisable cleric unleashed an astonishing broadside against housewives' favourite Blair accusing him of 'crimes against humanity'. The claim is thought to be in reference to Blair's critically derided ITV series <em>Great British Dog Walks</em>.</p> <p>The cause of the Archbishop's anti-Blair ire is unclear but, speaking on the condition of anonymity, fellow <em>Give Us A Clue</em> team captain Una Stubbs said that "Tutu always had it in for poor Lionel. We were in the BBC canteen once and Lionel was waiting to pay for a plate of lasagne. Tutu went past and simply tipped the plate out of his hands onto the floor. Then he just walked off laughing."</p> <p>In 2006, the Archbishop Tutu's office were forced to deny his involvement in the kidnapping of Blair's pet dog Florence after rumours circulated that the prelate had enticed the cross-breed Collie into his Landrover and driven it round and round the M25 for eleven hours, only releasing the hound after becoming bored.</p> <p>Pressure on the government to respond is likely to increase after a YouGov poll revealed 87% of people surveyed agreed with the statement 'Lionel Blair should be imprisoned for crimes against humanity'. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45931#post-132095 Wed, 25 Jul 2012 21:35:08 +0000 scottishbird 132095@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An all star cast was in attendance at Downing Street yesterday for the opening night of SamCam’s Production of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Downing Street Footlights headed the bill in the latest of the Diamond Jubilee celebrations. Lead roles went to; David Cameron, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and John Major. Although none of the cast had previous acting experience outside of politics Casting Director Dennis Skinner commented yesterday that “past indictments against society gave any hammy acting the panache required for a royal performance.” </p> <p>David Cameron appeared as the White Horseman or false prophet due to his continued support of George Osborne’s ill fated austerity measures and belief in the coalition. “When it came to casting Tony as the Red Horseman representing war it was a no brainer” said Skinner. The Black Horseman of famine a role made for Gordon Brown traditionally involves increasing the price of grain while leaving the price of wine and oil unaffected. Timeout reviews were favourable “Brown uses his artistic licence to great affect here, a real feeling of recession struck Britain- not only are basic food stuffs out of reach for the common man but oil and wine as well- 5 stars”. John Major’s landslide defeat to Labour 1997 and the death of the Conservative Party in Scotland formed the back bone of his performance as the Pale Horseman. Audience members failed to be convinced however, although one commented “Death? Well, I suppose he was banging that Edwina Currie and a few folk died of that Salmonella back in the day”.</p> <p>Although it was all smiles and hand shakes as the curtain closed rehearsals hadn’t always run smoothly. Skinner adds “There were a few arguments, as a convert to Catholicism Tony wanted to be cast as The Lamb of God but Gordon worried that that would only over shadow his own performance.” Sadly due to increasing ill health Baroness Thatcher could not fulfil her role as The Anti-Christ. However, the Duke of Edinburgh stepped in to the role as a last minute cameo only adding to the Queen’s enjoyment of the event. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43289#post-123888 Thu, 24 May 2012 05:38:59 +0000 arthurminnit 123888@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>In next week’s Piers Morgan show with Paul McCartney, he reveals that he was a frog in a previous life, which explained his marriage to fellow hopper, Heather Mills.</blockquote> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43289#post-123863 Wed, 23 May 2012 20:19:37 +0000 Mark Gregory 123863@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Tony Blair, speaking today, spoke about his recent conversion to Roman Catholicism and his strong belief in God: he also said that he had a strong belief in himself. </p> <p>Some media commentators interpreted this statement, during an interview on the Piers Morgan’s Life Stories television programme, as Blair stating that he is God. </p> <p>The broadcast brought an immediate reaction in the United States, where several southern states hosted mass burnings of his autobiography. </p> <p>Meanwhile, a number of other states established The Church of Tony Blair and built places of worship to him. </p> <p>During the interview, Morgan pressed him on his political career, during which the former prime minister described his former spin doctor Alastair Campbell as ‘the archangel Gabriel’ and his deputy prime minister John Prescott as ‘the devil incarnate’. </p> <p>The former head of state also spoke of his love of pop music, joking that ‘New Labour, in their heyday, were bigger than the Beatles’. </p> <p>This comment brought instant reaction from John Lennon fans in New York, who burned photographs of Blair at the Lennon memorial statue in Central Park. </p> <p>In next week’s Piers Morgan show with Paul McCartney, he reveals that he was a frog in a previous life, inspiring his number one Frog Chorus record. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10603#post-28963 Mon, 16 Aug 2010 16:34:02 +0000 thogg 28963@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Earlier today the former Overlord of Britain, Tony 'got my own gravy train' Blair, confirmed that all the proceeds from his upcoming book 'Pretty straight kinda guy...' to the Taliban.</p> <p>This is not entirely unexpected, acoording to The Press, who said that "It is entirely consistent with his tradition of warmongering and conflict-promotion". He added "this cash windfall will buy literally thousands 'camoflage turbans' from BAE, keeping the Taliban afloat, and hidden, for years to come". Indeed, since the announcement the Taliban has risen 30% on Wall St, meaning their net worth is now greater than that of the MoD, this of course wont be such a great acheivement in the fox has his way.</p> <p>The Taliban are a registered charity in the UK so his generous gift can be gift aided. This will especially gladden the hearts of Green campainers, who approve of the Taliban's enviromental credentials. They have restored large areas of Afganistan to vegetation, in the form of poppies, whereas the West isn't nearly as committed. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9459#post-25562 Fri, 30 Jul 2010 11:15:23 +0000 Sharpehunter 25562@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bless him, Poor old prescott, just simply hours of amusement!<br /> I actually envy his wife! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9459#post-25544 Fri, 30 Jul 2010 10:26:20 +0000 jayjay22 25544@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>John Prescot`s intelligence is "not very substantial" according to the Iraq inquiry.<br /> Previous reports of his brainpower were based on false information and "tittle tattle" they say.<br /> In an interview in December Mr Prescot raised his own doubts about whether he was thick or not.He told the inquiry today that he was satisfied that he was not any sandwiches short of a picnic when some Mp`s said he was a "good old boy".<br /> Mr Prescot told the inquiry that he could count all the way to 30 and fully deserved his place on the joint intelligence comittee.Mr Prescot has also claimed he could rub<br /> his tummy whilst patting his head,but the inquiry decided they did not need to see that. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8554#post-23022 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 09:02:56 +0000 Non-U 23022@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There has been a huge wave of disappointment at the news that the former Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has failed to deliver the messianic tome which the entire world had been waiting for. "I am gutted" one Blairite was quoted as saying. Expectations were clearly at an extraordinary level when news of the book deal were originally announced. Gradually it leaked out that there would be no political revelations in the book at all. Instead it will be a self-help manual giving tips on how top up your suntan by wangling invitations on to billionaire's yachts moored at the more exclusive marinas in the Mediterranean and Caribbean. The unhappy publishers clearly felt that the original title "The Journey" would breach the Trade Descriptions Act and changed it to "Tanning for Millionaires" to better reflect its content.</p> <p>Blair, who was recently awarded a Tanning for Peace prize in the United States, is said to be unrepentant. "I have examined my conscience in the matter and found that I have done everything properly and within the terms of the book deal. Nothing prevents me from doing the opposite of what people expect, want or hope for."</p> <p>Financially it is a disaster for Blair who is said by insiders to be down to his last £50 million or so. Amazon has slashed the pre-order price of the book from a whopping £25 to a mere £14.99 - a 40% discount - so that now even some non-millionaires could afford to buy it. The price crash has been blamed on the unexpected name change announced in July, 2010. The savage discount is all the more surprising as the book doesn't even go on sale until September. A spokesman for the on-line bookseller refused to comment but it is believed they have totally overstocked the book. "Who wants to buy a book about tanning in September?" a disconsolate shelf stacker at Amazon was overheard to say. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8062#post-22510 Mon, 12 Jul 2010 12:13:44 +0000 Dangerfield 22510@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Entirely credible. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8062#post-21778 Wed, 07 Jul 2010 18:33:09 +0000 SallyOldcow 21778@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><center><img src="http://i981.photobucket.com/albums/ae292/SallyOldcow/NewsBiscuit/TonyBlairTitanicpose_810.png"></center></p> <p>Within just a few days of the launch of the Tony Blair Wealth foundation website <a href="http://www.keepcheriesmiling.org" rel="nofollow">http://www.keepcheriesmiling.org</a> Tony Blair has amassed sufficient funds to allow him to launch his own yacht. The yacht was formerly the property of Robert Maxwell and had been on the market following an extensive refit which included higher guard rails. The yacht has been renamed 'MV Windrush Empire' after another of Mr Blair's companies. </p> <p>Yesterday the Former British Prime Minister was photographed in a 'Titanic' pose on his yacht somewhere in the Mediterranean whilst topping up his tan. Apparently 'Titanic' is Cherie's favourite film. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=799#post-2224 Sat, 13 Mar 2010 09:17:41 +0000 ronseal 2224@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Britain's torch bearing mob community is up in arms after word went around that the UK's prime minister was given a new identity after the Gulf War, and may be given a new one again in May.</p> <p>'Who is the prime minister anyway?' said the leader of the mob. 'I don't give a monkey's. All politicians are the same anyway. But I tell you this - if the bastard came into our pub, he'd get his head kicked in.'</p> <p>Mob leader John Cox was furious at being told that the prime minister had already been given a new identity, after he was accused of war crimes. An entire back story was created for the new PM, so that he could avoid angry relatives of the dead. He is still Scottish, but instead of being an ex-public schoolboy who attended Fettes, Scotland's Eton, the new PM is understood to be from humbler origins.</p> <p>"The old PM was rather posh, charming and very ruthless. The new one is a worrier, less image obsessed, and would be almost likeable," said a source, "if you didn't know the damage the bastard has done."</p> <p>But the PM was inadvertently outed recently, during a seemingly routine whitewash exercise that went wrong. The PM was forced to leave the inquiry by the back door, as members of the audience sensed that the PM might have had something to do with the horrific deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. </p> <p>To an outsider, the citizens of Westminster Village seem a pretty tight community. This pretty hamlet on the banks of the Thames has a clock tower that dates back to the reign of Charles I, and a huge debating chamber, now largely redundant, that was once a cradle of democracy. The nearby Westminster cathedral services notice that, incredibly, this was once a centre of influence.</p> <p>The locals appear friendly, if a little secretive, and often lapse into their own dialect to deter outsiders from asking questions. Even bitter enemeies have been known to close ranks when the police try to conduct a fraud investigation. </p> <p>But below the surface, old rivalries seethe and there's an atmosphere of mutual mistrust. The locals spend all their time sitting and staring at their Windows. Every time there seems to be movement in the village, their nimble fingers go into action and the Net visibly twitches. Some say the twittering at dawn is deafening.</p> <p>Only the village wisemen, known locally as the bloggers, seem confident enough to go on record. They seem to fall into one of three camps, according to the rumours they're prepared to belive in. </p> <p>In one camp, they believe that the new PM's identity will be a lad called Cameron. With a scottish sounding name, a gift for soundbites and not much history of a proper job, makeover experts say this new identity, not a million miles away from the original PM who committed the war crimes, is at least do-able. </p> <p>Others say the new PM could be a lad called Nick, whose backstory suggests that he might be more liberal. As with Dave, the makeover is not overly far reaching, but there's only so much material to work on, say makeover experts. But some critics say the public would be onto this in a minute.</p> <p>But the most shocking rumour of all has the new PM emerging as a woman, called Harriet, who will emerge at the end of May, after a previous incarnation Gordon is deliberately put out as a decoy, then goes into hiding. </p> <p>'Harriet already exists' said one terrified conspiracy theorist. According to him, Harriet is already is rehearsing for her first public appearance, and many confirm they've heard the chilling words of a Sham 69 anthem being chanted, as she practices her mockney accent. "Come on, come on, Hurry Up Harriet Come on". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=799#post-2150 Fri, 12 Mar 2010 12:55:22 +0000 ronseal 2150@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, I do fancy it.</p> <p>I'm working in someone's offices today, so might have to do it tonight </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=799#post-2125 Fri, 12 Mar 2010 09:38:09 +0000 editor 2125@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is a great take on two topical stories. Fancy embellishing it Ron - or anyone else? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=799#post-2095 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 22:16:21 +0000 ronseal 2095@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Britain's torch bearing mob community are up in arms after word went around that the UK's prime minister was given a new identity after the Gulf War, and may be given a new one again in May.</p> <p>'Who is the prime minister anyway?' said the leader of the mob. 'I don't give a monkey's. All politicians are the same anyway. But I tell you this - if the bastard came into our pub, he'd get his head kicked in.'</p> <p>Mob leader John Cox was furious at being told that the prime minister had already been given a new identity, after he was accused of war crimes. An entire back story was created for the new PM, so that he could avoid angry relatives of the dead. He is still Scottish, but instead of being an ex-public schoolboy who attended Fettes, Scotland's Eton, the new PM is understood to be from humbler origins.</p> <p>"The old PM was rather posh, charming and very ruthless. The new one is a worrier, less image obsessed, and would be almost likeable," said a source, "if you ddin't know the damage the bastard has done."</p> <p>But the PM was inadvertently outed recently, during a seemingly routine whitewash exercise that went wrong. The PM was forced to leave the inquiry by the back door, as members of the audience sensed that the PM might have had something to do with the horrific deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. </p>