http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=bill-clinton The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 00:41:13 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33570#post-95299 Wed, 09 Nov 2011 16:30:41 +0000 Gerontius 95299@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>bobo..you're supposed to wear the poppy...not smoke it<br /> No idea what you're on about but it's most entertaining...5 barking stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33570#post-95294 Wed, 09 Nov 2011 16:13:16 +0000 bobo lutz 95294@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>[/b] Did Herman Hide the Sausage?</p> <p>FBI sources have confirmed that Republican Candidate Herman Cain is being questioned about the 2005 disappearance of the Sausage, the tube-shaped diety that won the world over with Its selfless good deeds, Its legendary size, and Its ability to fill the most resistant and downtrodden of us with Its good loving. </p> <p>Would Herman Cain hide this vaunted entity, keeping It from those who yearn for It? FBI Director Chas Mueller said, “We don’t have hard evidence that Cain is holding the Sausage against Its will, but he’s certainly a link”.</p> <p>Most of us remember the 2002 Miracle at Lourdes where a barren young woman by the name of Bernadette Soubrious, was visited upon by the Sausage while she was collecting mushrooms near the grotto. She was not able to recall much except for Its unusually large size and raw power. Less than a year later Bernadette delivered a child, her barren state miraculously reversed. Re-enactments of Bernadette’s visitation are carried out annually at the grotto.</p> <p> Fast forward three years to Guadalupe, Mexico where the Sausage performed another miracle. The recipient, Juan Diego, had just lost his wife and beloved children in a poker game. His Speedos, marked with residue from the Sausage, sold on ebay for $2,500, which allowed him to buy back his wife and all but one of his beloved children. </p> <p> A maid’s encounter with the Sausage at the Cain Residence yesterday marks the first sighting since Its 2005 disappearance. According to Director Mueller, the maid’s description of the Sausage matched that of the others. “That coupled with the fact that we can put Cain in the vicinity of at least fifty sightings, makes him a person of interest”, said Mueller. “He could easily have grabbed the Sausage, shaken It up a bit if necessary, and run with It”.</p> <p>The investigation, carried out by a multi-agency task force, petered out after two years of shooting blanks. Mueller said, “We assumed that the Sausage entered a black hole and was lost forever in its vastness”. </p> <p>The FBI director said that the investigation will focus on the immediate vicinity of the Cain Residence. “No stone will be left unturned. Every nook, cranny, and cavity will be searched”, he said.</p> <p>Bill Clinton expressed outrage over Cain’s alleged actions. “I would never reach the level of selfishness that would compel me to hoard the Sausage when so many crave It”, he said. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13520#post-36722 Tue, 05 Oct 2010 23:47:31 +0000 Kazytc 36722@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Former US president, Bill Clinton, has been in Londonderry, in Ireland today, showing his support for the peace Pipe talks.</p> <p>Bill Clinton stole the media spotlight when he was filmed sitting in a circle in a hippy commune sharing a hooker pipe full of Cannabis, with 20 Irish Leprechauns, but of course he didn't inhale.</p> <p>The historic event by design was to promote world peace.... and get doped out of their brains so that they could enter a more laid back, spaced out frame of mind, illustrating that any dope in politics interested in world peace can easily follow suit.</p> <p>Bill Clinton with pupils well dilated and appearing somewhat glazed around the eyes, chanted:</p> <p>"Peace Man, Tofu and Brown Rice (Condolezza Rice of course)"!</p> <p>Irish Leprechaun's kept topping up the shared hooker pipe and this made for a much more spaced out event.</p> <p>Bill Clinton soon got a somewhat of a rude awakening though when police arrived to arrest him and the other 20 Irish Leprechauns, who along with Bill Clinton were by this time, well away with the fairies.</p> <p>After spending 6 hours locked in a police cell until the group of 21 headed by Bill Clinton had recovered their presence of mind, each of them appeared in Londonderry crown court charged with possession and distribution of Cannabis, not to mention drug abuse.</p> <p>Bill Clinton dressed in orange and green hippy pants, a purple and yellow tie dye T shirt, Jesus sandals and a red headband and beads, told Judge Seamus O'Gangee that he just wanted to promote love and not war.</p> <p>Judge Seamus O'Gangee told Bill Clinton that the use of Cannabis in the United Kingdom was illegal and that he should have known better.</p> <p>Bill Clinton, still somewhat spaced out had the audacity, to ask if he might like to try some, to help promote peace.</p> <p>Judge Seamus O'Gangee outraged by Bill Clinton's audacious offer gave Bill Clinton a piece of his mind.</p> <p>An Irish Leprechaun by the name of Paddy O'Wacky, told the court that if anyone should be punished it was him as he suggested the use of Cannabis for the Peace Talks.</p> <p>Judge Seamus O'Gangee told Paddy O'Whacky that he was committing perjury trying to take the blame for what had to be Bill Clinton's doing as the Cannabis stash had been found in Bill Clinton's luggage back at his hotel.</p> <p>Judge Seamus O'Gangee demanded to know why he had seen fit to smuggle Cannabis into the UK.</p> <p>Bill Clinton replied "Well it's easier than trying to smuggle a woman in through customs and it had the same effect"!</p> <p>Outraged by the reply from Bill Clinton, Judge Seamus O'Whacky had no choice but to sentence Bill Clinton to 5 years in Londonderry Jail, where he will be made to promote peace in there by behaving himself.</p> <p>Judge Seamus O'Gangee fined Bill Clinton 50,000 Euros for smuggling Cannabis into Ireland and inciting Leprechauns to engage in drug abuse.</p> <p>The 20 Irish Leprechauns who were arrested for using Cannabis with Bill Clinton were each given a suspended sentence of 2 years for not having the sense to know better.</p> <p>Bill Clinton is now serving his sentence on the Tofu wing of Londonderry Prison.</p> <p>The peace talks have been reconvened in a Cannabis free zone and the delegates although being the usual dopes in power are at least not as dopey as they might be under the influence of Cannabis.</p> <p>More news later, watch this space. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2803#post-8215 Mon, 19 Apr 2010 03:23:10 +0000 MightyBlair 8215@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very funny, especially second time through. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2803#post-8207 Mon, 19 Apr 2010 02:03:13 +0000 rfreed 8207@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Extreme Right wingnut Ann Coulter new telephone 'Dial-A Skank' business venture began its services yesterday. Offering 24 hour titillation to the lusty imaginations of millions of potential far right callers, the phone lines are already going non-stop.<br /> The new call in service offers Ms. Coulter's own brand of acid, Kama Sutral, liberal bashing delight to her supporters as she explores the forbidden libido of desire that lurks in the dark recesses of many arch conservative minds. Annes own breathy voice delivers the sexy, steamy innuendo as evidenced in this outtake:<br /> “I have Micheal Moore tied spread eagle on a bed face down. I am pulling down his pants, slowly exposing his ample hiney. I strip the belt out of his pants, then bring it slashing down upon the monumental exposed flesh. As he screams out in pain I say “Tell Mommy that you have been a bad liberal! Tell me!” I then lash ever widening arcs upon his bottom.”<br /> Coulter also includes phone spots from other famous conservative media demigods such as Glenn Beck- “I have Nancy Pelosi tied to a 17th century witches dunking stool stripped down to her bra and panties. I am making her read aloud Ronald Reagan's autobiography. Anytime she mispronounces a word I dunk her in the water and haul her out. Her white, tender flesh has goose bumps all over it from the cold and the excitement. Actually, so do I!”<br /> Sean Hannity has his input too- “I have Al Gore straddled across my lap with his pants pulled down. I raise my paddle and as I bring it down upon his quivering, expectant buttocks I say “Tell me about global warming! Tell me about the polar bears dying! I want to hear it again.” (It was noticed that Mr. Hannity seems to get a little too much pleasure out of his performance and his beady eyes and insinuating smile are more beady and insinuating than usual.)<br /> But it is Anne herself who keeps things going with her genuine sexy, fascist attitudes and repugnance for all things even remotely leftist- “I have Bill Clinton chained up spread out naked upon a bear skin rug in front of a roaring fire. I take out a cigar, sniff it's robust aroma, and then….”Extreme Right wingnut Ann Coulter new telephone 'Dial-A Skank' business venture began its services yesterday. Offering 24 hour titillation to the lusty imaginations of millions of potential far right callers, the phone lines are already going non-stop.<br /> The new call in service offers Ms. Coulter's own brand of acid, Kama Sutral, liberal bashing delight to her supporters as she explores the forbidden libido of desire that lurks in the dark recesses of many arch conservative minds. Annes own breathy voice delivers the sexy, steamy innuendo as evidenced in this outtake:<br /> “I have Micheal Moore tied spread eagle on a bed face down. I am pulling down his pants, slowly exposing his ample hiney. I strip the belt out of his pants, then bring it slashing down upon the monumental exposed flesh. As he screams out in pain I say “Tell Mommy that you have been a bad liberal! Tell me!” I then lash ever widening arcs upon his bottom.”<br /> Coulter also includes phone spots from other famous conservative media demigods such as Glenn Beck- “I have Nancy Pelosi tied to a 17th century witches dunking stool stripped down to her bra and panties. I am making her read aloud Ronald Reagan's autobiography. Anytime she mispronounces a word I dunk her in the water and haul her out. Her white, tender flesh has goose bumps all over it from the cold and the excitement. Actually, so do I!”<br /> Sean Hannity has his input too- “I have Al Gore straddled across my lap with his pants pulled down. I raise my paddle and as I bring it down upon his quivering, expectant buttocks I say “Tell me about global warming! Tell me about the polar bears dying! I want to hear it again.” (It was noticed that Mr. Hannity seems to get a little too much pleasure out of his performance and his beady eyes and insinuating smile are more beady and insinuating than usual.)<br /> But it is Anne herself who keeps things going with her genuine sexy, fascist attitudes and repugnance for all things even remotely leftist- “I have Bill Clinton chained up spread out naked upon a bear skin rug in front of a roaring fire. I take out a cigar, sniff it's robust aroma, and then….” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-2113 Fri, 12 Mar 2010 08:52:15 +0000 cazzbar 2113@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wank-wagon sounds more a Viz profanisaurus entry for self-imposed abstinence. <em>Heathcliff was so looking forward to a zig-a-zag-ahhh to his favourite Spice Girl video until he remembered he was still on the wank-wagon.</em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-2111 Fri, 12 Mar 2010 08:47:49 +0000 allmyownstunts 2111@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>so to speak, sauce, fnar, fnar. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-2103 Fri, 12 Mar 2010 07:15:32 +0000 sauce 2103@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wank-wagon is commonly used term on the roads around here - for those daft souped-up vehicles with extra spoilers, lights and exhaust pipes (and driven by complete tossers).<br /> But wank-water we've not come across. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-2093 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 22:02:25 +0000 fernandomando 2093@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>wank-water, wank-water everywhere; and not a drop to drink </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-2088 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 21:39:07 +0000 jp1885 2088@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Aww Shitsu - don't say you're leaving us!</p> <p>Come back soon please and in the meantime send us plenty of postcards. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-2080 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 20:10:20 +0000 The All New Jeni B 2080@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Aren't you off to do the AT soon Shitsu?</p> <p>Have a fab time, and happy hiking! x </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-2073 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 17:50:24 +0000 Scroat 2073@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Come back soon Shits. It won't be the same without you. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-2063 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:52:58 +0000 shitsu_tonka 2063@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'm not too keen on the new place, and have found another place to play. Taking a break from Team Biscuit, y'all be good without me. :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-2050 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:39:42 +0000 jp1885 2050@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I quite like the new place - it's just that I left my creativity behind the bar before it closed for redecoration and now I'm having trouble finding it again. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-2046 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:06:26 +0000 MADJEZ 2046@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wank-water, wasn't that a scandal involving the Clintons ? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-2045 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:00:49 +0000 MADJEZ 2045@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My spoof news website's been turned into a trendy wine bar. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-2011 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 10:20:25 +0000 edward hack 2011@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nick - it is taking shape by degrees. Don't start staying home with some cheap booze from the off licence<br /> (wank-water must surely enter the Bictionary)<br /> game of darts while we are waiting for the others? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-1917 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 15:48:58 +0000 Zadok the second 1917@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think the brand consultants working on wank-water have done a marvellous job. Given the circumstances, you know. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-1915 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 15:33:11 +0000 PluckyMunky 1915@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>excuse me, please, but what is wank-water? it doesn't sound like everyones' favourite drink. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-1898 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:19:10 +0000 The Paper Ostrich 1898@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I feel exactly the same...a wise old Classicist once told me "All change is bad". </p> <p>Still, I'm always happy to try the occasional new variety of bottled wank-water. Ah, well. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-1884 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 11:59:35 +0000 Scroat 1884@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hey Nick. The only thing that's constant is change. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=697#post-1869 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 10:27:17 +0000 Nick McCarr 1869@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...so I haven't posted a thing (well one) since the 'change'. I feel like I've wandered into my favourite boozer, The Kings Head or the like, and find that the comfy chairs are gone, replaced with stainless steel furniture, the real ales on tap have become bottled wank-waters, the staff have changed from Australians to Bulgarians (no they'd still be Aussies) and the African hunting lodge decor has become black and white minimalist.<br /> But here I am trying out the chairs. Hmmm, I might hang around...<br /> better write something. </p>