http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=banks The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Mon, 20 May 2013 01:48:56 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58119#post-168494 Sun, 17 Mar 2013 20:40:37 +0000 Flash! Aa-aaaa! 168494@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A spokesman explained their actions to us. "Look, normally we tax everyone as they earn and again as they spend - leaving them with very little: just like UK.<br /> Now we tax as they earn and then rob bank account so they don't have enough to spend. This saves them bother of tedious shopping and so on. They will thank us when they discover all the extra time this will give them." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44647#post-127858 Thu, 28 Jun 2012 08:41:20 +0000 ozalba 127858@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25490#post-69481 Wed, 25 May 2011 11:08:18 +0000 Neil Palfreyman 69481@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Has a scary ring of truth about it! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25490#post-69247 Mon, 23 May 2011 23:05:34 +0000 antharrison 69247@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>V. Clever and could be developed into other areas such as cosmetic surgery </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25490#post-69235 Mon, 23 May 2011 21:48:27 +0000 Golgo13 69235@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent. </p> <p>The government has prepared a bail out for banks inundated with claims on these policies against this product.... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25490#post-69230 Mon, 23 May 2011 20:28:48 +0000 Titus 69230@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Banks have started selling their customers insurance against the risk of being mis-sold unsuitable financial products. "The FSA can't moan about this one" said a bank spokesman "Think about it - it's a win-win for the punters, er, sorry, our valued customers. In fact, we think it's such a worthwhile product that we're signing our customers up for it by default, and debiting their accounts automatically." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=12654#post-34507 Tue, 21 Sep 2010 18:40:16 +0000 Hunter F. Thompson 34507@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Note talcum powder is used as a cutting agent... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=12654#post-34469 Tue, 21 Sep 2010 13:01:30 +0000 rosewing 34469@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Vatican was embroiled last night in yet another scandal. Italian police moved in to search the Papal residences after traces of white powder were found on the St Peters Steps. It was suspected the real reason for the Popes visit to the UK recently was in fact to "deliver his message" to contacts in Glasgow, London &amp; Birmingham.<br /> It later transpired however that a cardinal had merely dropped his tin of talcum powder on the steps and the search was abandoned </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11858#post-32462 Wed, 08 Sep 2010 12:50:19 +0000 ChrisHarrison 32462@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I wrote another paragraph, to go somewhere near the end, which I took out because of length and because I blatantly copied the punchline from Peter Cook's Harold MacMillan sketch, but for (mainly my own) amusement, here it is:</p> <p>In recent years, he has drawn criticism for his handling of Barclays’ acquisition of the brokerage arm of Lehman Brothers. In June this year, he faced a federal court hearing in Manhattan, where he stood accused of duping Lehman Brothers out of billions of dollars. He commented at the time, ‘When we were negotiating the price, Lehmans kept talking about how they had a reputation for being an honest broker. I agreed with them that no bank could be more honest, but added that no bank could be broker. In the end, they saw it my way and the price we paid was a fair one.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11858#post-32460 Wed, 08 Sep 2010 12:45:45 +0000 ChrisHarrison 32460@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The City of London has been shocked to its shallow core with the news that Barclays has appointed the infamous gambler, Wild Bill Hickok, as its new CEO.</p> <p>Mr Hickok was unveiled yesterday at a spectacular press conference, the like of which had not been seen since Wyatt Earp became Sheriff of Tombstone. To the thunderous refrain of Motorhead’s Ace of Spades, Hickok strode manfully into the room in Savile Row buckskins and matching Stetson, pausing only to look over his shoulder for signs of celebrated lawmaker and scourge of bankers, Doc Cable.</p> <p>He told reporters, ‘I am delighted and honoured to have been appointed as Chief Executive of this fine, historic bank. At a time when many of my contemporaries are making their names by robbing banks, I feel fortunate to be part of a banking system that is stealing from everyone else.’</p> <p>Looking anxiously round the room, he continued, ‘I realise I am not without my critics. Doc Cable, who I note has not had the guts to show up today, claims that I will turn Barclays into a mixture of a traditional bank and a casino. Nothing could be further from my mind, and I have already appointed my good friend, Bugsy Siegel, to ensure that that doesn’t happen. And to those who say I’m only in it for the money? Sure I get paid for doing this job, I get paid very well, but as far as I’m concerned, that’s just one big bonus.’</p> <p>Mr Hickok made his name as a gambler, mainly playing high stakes poker in the saloons and bars of the Wild West. Over many years, he amassed a personal fortune, reputed to be in the region of £95m. In 1996, he joined Barclays and the even more lucrative world of investment banking. The move however was not universally popular, with the outlaw, Jesse James, branding him the ‘unacceptable face of gambling’.</p> <p>Over the past fourteen years, Mr Hickok has shot up the ranks, using his trusty duelling pistol. Critics claim that this has been one of the main reasons behind his meteoric rise to the summit of the Barclays Group. Though never charged, Mr Hickok was implicated in the death of former banker and rival, Robert Carson, in 2002. Hickok denies shooting Mr Carson, but does admit to holding the dead man’s hand when he passed away. </p> <p>Despite his shady past, Mr Hickok is seen by the City as a safer pair of hands than any of the other candidates. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6538#post-17647 Tue, 15 Jun 2010 21:05:15 +0000 Mrblacker 17647@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The radio station set up by the Halifax as part of its latest advertising campaign has been shut down by the broadcasting watchdog OFCOM.</p> <p>The station - Halifax FM - was manned by bank workers in their spare time and allowed the bank to broadcast directly to customers on a 30second basis most nights.</p> <p>However, OFCOM says the bank had failed to win a radio licence or to be granted a Restricted Service Licence (RSL)and therefore was deemed to be a pirate radio station.</p> <p>"We will not tolerate this kind of abuse of the airwaves" Donald Maxwell explained. "We don't care how big a firm it is or how hard they've been struggling recently. Anyone found breaking our rules will be closed down."</p> <p>The firm is appealing against the ruling, but Mr Maxwell said he's confident the closure will remain in place.</p> <p>"Their biggest mistake was showing millions of people their station on an almost nightly basis. If they'd have kept a low profile, like the one adopted by the BBC's 6 Music, they might have got away with it." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2600#post-7727 Thu, 15 Apr 2010 12:10:24 +0000 smyke 7727@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Or the ticker-tape version:</p> <p><strong><em>Iceland fined £50 for dropping ash on British street</strong></em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2600#post-7702 Thu, 15 Apr 2010 10:16:32 +0000 AdrianJ 7702@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cock! I was just about to post...</p> <p>"Iceland clear UK debt, with issue of world’s largest Pumice invoice"</p> <p>I'll get you next time Smyke. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2600#post-7700 Thu, 15 Apr 2010 10:06:50 +0000 smyke 7700@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Prime Minister Gordon Brown has rejected an attempt by Iceland to repay thousands of British investors’ lost bank deposits with airborne mineral deposits.</p> <p>Near-bankrupt Iceland claimed today that its airdrop of the nation’s most valuable remaining assets right across Europe represents ‘full and final settlement’ of the nation’s international debts.</p> <p>Finance Minister Steingrimur Sigfusson told reporters at a hastily convened news conference: “After several minutes consideration, we have decided to announce that this is the fairest way of settling our financial differences with our European trading partners. </p> <p>“Once swept up, the ash will represent a valuable stockpile of highly prized elements including magnesium, iron, gold and some traces of platinum.</p> <p>“We say that this is the fairest way of distributing the resources that we have left and puts an end to the unseemly squabbling that erupted when our banking system collapsed.”</p> <p>Mr Sigfusson said that he believes most people will welcome the fact that only a very small amount will fall into the hands of bankers.</p> <p>“As they all work on the top floors of very tall buildings, they won’t be able to get downstairs quickly enough with a dustpan and brush.”</p> <p>Gordon Brown said that the offer is ‘unnacceptable’ and warned Iceland that dropping ash on British streets is an offence that carries an on-the-spot fine of £50.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1923#post-5723 Sat, 03 Apr 2010 23:14:53 +0000 borednow 5723@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Chancellor to offer no claims discount of up to 60% for anyone who hasn't made a claim in over 2 years. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1923#post-5696 Sat, 03 Apr 2010 20:34:53 +0000 confidemus 5696@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following recent criticism expressed by business chiefs of the government's plan to increase NI contributions, the Chief Executive Officers of the nationalised banks have written an open letter to the Financial Times, offering to pay all of the added levy for every taxpayer in the UK. The letter, signed by some of the City of London's leading heavyweights, including Lord Marmaduke Poindersister and Sir Christopher Mirandapopolous, outlines how bankers will voluntarily proffer a percentage of their bonuses to the Treasury to cover the NI increase and give the country the financial kick-start it needs.</p> <p>Stated the letter...<blockquote>We recognise that in these difficult times it is only proper for all good men to come to the aid of the country...notwithstanding the unfortunate lack of prudence shown by a large section of the populace in failing to save adequately while borrowing beyond their means, we must recognise that the nation stands or falls together and sacrifices must be shared. </blockquote></p> <p>It is believed the move will add a further £155 billion to the Treasury's coffers, amounting to 0.001% of the national debt. The publicly-owned banks will generate the contributions from the upward bonus adjustments applied to bankers salaries this year, as a so-called 'golden goosing' reward for the increased responsibility of managing government bail-out cash. Said Sir Christopher: <blockquote> Bankers are not used to dealing with these tangible cash amounts. It is exceedingly burdensome to manage real money when you are used to futurised virtualities and shortstock-barreling hedge-spreads. Of course we need to set bonus levels appropriately in order to retain experts with the expertise to spend the public's money wisely. It shows that the spirit of the Blitz is alive and trading in the City when these philanthropic heroes are willing to each give 2.5% of their hard-earned additional bonus payments to help the country. We owe them more than can be expressed in mere words and I think that over the forthcoming year it will of course be necessary to increase bonus payments to reflect the calibre of the individuals we now have at the helm of the economy.</blockquote></p> <p>Shadow Chancellor, Georgie Osbourne declined to comment on the announcement until the markets open, however the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, said: <blockquote>The country owes a significant debt to Lord Poindersister and Sir Christopher and all the other bankers already. This generous gesture shows just how much we will always be in their debt."</blockquote> </p>