http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=bankers The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:45:27 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47981#post-137886 Wed, 12 Sep 2012 16:20:34 +0000 Anonymous 137886@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44726#post-128036 Fri, 29 Jun 2012 12:53:31 +0000 kevingower 128036@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>British bankers debut Canary Wharf musical “Fiddler on the roof” Bob Diamond rendition of “If I was a rich man” had audiences aghast </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44637#post-127965 Thu, 28 Jun 2012 21:48:52 +0000 Jonathan 127965@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A couple of years back, Directors of a business that I and about fifty colleagues worked for, lied to the staff and eventually cheated them out of a substantial sum of money <a href="http://bobblackmanmp.info/">http://bobblackmanmp.info/</a> The local MP, Bob Blackman, and other Government officials simply claimed back then that it was not in the public interest to do anything about this matter or to introduce new legislation, to out law this kind of sharp practise.</p> <p>Now, greedy Bankers lie to the public and cheat them out of money, but, the Government response still seems to be that it is not in the public interest to do anything about this matter, or to bring in new legislation. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44637#post-127834 Wed, 27 Jun 2012 22:21:01 +0000 Duff 127834@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bob Diamond (Geezer) is tonight under extreme pressure to step down from his position as Barclays Chief Executive, following the financial giant having been found guilty of yet another noses-in-the-trough shameful irregularity. This time the manipulation of the London Interbank Offered Rate (SCAM), in a cynical and sickening attempt to ensure that it continued to make loads of money at the expense of the beleaguered man in the street.</p> <p>Speaking tonight a senior Barclays figure who wished to remain anonymous said, "Well of course this is a very complicated matter and one that the man in the street cannot possibly begin to be capable of understanding. And quite frankly why should he be? Tricky issues like Inter-bank interest rates (RIPOFFS) are simply something that with his very limited level of intelligence, the man in the street should leave to clever people like me who have been used to phenomenal wealth and feathering our nests all our working lives, and who will of course sort all that kind of thing out for him. Ensuring that he gets the best deal without having to concern himself in any way whatsoever. Oh yeah, you can certainly stand on me in that respect John, my son. Sorted!"</p> <p>And in an unprecedented, and some argue an almost philanthropic gesture, Diamond and fellow Barclays executives have agreed to waive their bonuses for this year, opting instead to have any additional money that they can somehow manage to skim off, paid by way of the old fashioned pre-Big Bang method of brown paper envelope transfers left in rain-swept deserted car parks at 3.00am in the morngig. Or else failing that being a feasibility, then it's understood that they will have it signed over as a dodgy portfolio of shares, bonds and trusts to their spouses and or partners in barely legal, tawdry, vomit-inducing and shameful fiddles. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25607#post-69546 Wed, 25 May 2011 20:51:40 +0000 Grover 69546@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The loss-making Royal Bank of Scotland, which is 84% owned by the tax payer, will not be fined by the Financial Services Authority over customer complaints. </p> <p>The FSA has not fined RBS £3.5 million for rejecting customer complaints which were clearly reasonable. Nor will it award £17 million in compensation to RBS customers, because "RBS is not the bank in question". RBS customers are, we assume, outraged. </p> <p>RBS, which is not part of the Lloyds Group, has not agreed to review 8,614 rejected complaints, apparently because they were made to another bank. </p> <p>A spokesperson for RBS refused to comment on the matter, because it has nothing to do with him. </p> <p>The loss-making bank is 84% owned by the taxpayer. </p> <p>The FSA's initial investigation confirmed that Bank of Scotland is not, in fact, the same as the Royal Bank of Scotland, and that it is in fact another bank in trouble this time. </p> <p>The loss-making Royal Bank of Scotland, however, remains 84% owned by the taxpayer. </p> <p>Leading financial analysts predicted RBS will probably be in trouble again tomorrow, or early next week. </p> <p>The loss-making bank is 84% owned by the taxpayer, in case you weren't already aware of that. </p> <p>It's something we like to keep mentioning, because it makes us feel big. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23720#post-64393 Mon, 11 Apr 2011 17:52:06 +0000 Batmankoff 64393@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>At the meeting of the International Hip-Hop And Gangsta Rap Economic Conference, ghetto economist Warren G has called for more safeguards to be implemented to prevent any future failure in the banking system.</p> <p>Warren G was clearly emotional after the recent death of his esteemed colleague and collaborator on the 1994 hit <em>Regulate</em>, Nate Dogg. He feels that increased regulation of the world banking system would be a fitting tribute.</p> <p>Speaking about the effect of the global economic crisis he replied <em>"I can't believe they taking Warren's wealth. They took my rings, they took my rolex. I looked at the brotha said 'Damn, what's next?'"</em></p> <p>He quoted the deceased Mr. Dogg's view on regulation of the industry.<em> "Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole. Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold, now they droppin and yellin' it's a tad bit late Nate Dogg and Warren G had to regulate."</em> The small-scale regulation of the hood under both Warren G and Nate Dogg has, according to Gordon Brown, seen an end to <em>"boom and bust in da hood."</em></p> <p>Leading members of the hip-hop community have rallied behind Mr. G. P Diddy, (formerly Puff Daddy) stated the importance of hood style regulation in today's economic climate <em>"Uhh, uh-huh, yeah. Uhh, uh-huh, yeah. It's all about the Benjamins baby."</em></p> <p>Warren G concluded, <em>"REGULATORS!!! MOUNT UP!"</em> to an uproarious response. It appears most members of the hip-hop community are behind his stringent series of regulatory checks and balances. Warren G was followed by the esteemed speaker Lord Mix-A-Lot, a recent recipient of a peerage, for his contribution to the world of hip-hop and his economic pursuits.</p> <p>Whatever the outcome of the conference leading politicians, such as former president Bill Clinton, have welcomed the summit, <em>"It's the economy motha f*cka!"</em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23252#post-63345 Fri, 01 Apr 2011 15:28:30 +0000 rikkor 63345@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In Rhode Island, "mentalist" means "most mental" as in "that crazy bitch is the mentalist teacher at my school!" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23252#post-63252 Fri, 01 Apr 2011 03:00:16 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 63252@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As the realisation gradually dawns on my intellectually challenged cerebellum...it becomes increasingly clear to me that I am surrounded by mentalists.</p> <p>I shall bother you all no more.</p> <p>Until the morrow. Or perhaps the day after. All depends which way the washing blows really.</p> <p>I shall though, at some juncture submit a worthy satirical contribution to this esteemed organ.</p> <p>If it f**king kills me...</p> <p>Shuttlecock the Elder. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23252#post-63181 Thu, 31 Mar 2011 14:54:47 +0000 Jeremy Hunt 63181@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Rikkor you are.Would a phone call hurt ? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23252#post-63178 Thu, 31 Mar 2011 14:35:26 +0000 rikkor 63178@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Martin, I am Jeremy's brother, Mike Hunt. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23252#post-63156 Thu, 31 Mar 2011 13:43:28 +0000 be reasonable 63156@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Shuttlecock can be treated with a minor surgical procedure, y'know; mind you, if they get it wrong, you become a lady, or Brian Cox. Is it me, or does he look a bit like James Blunt? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23252#post-63140 Thu, 31 Mar 2011 13:02:32 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 63140@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks jp - I realised that when I'd finished it...</p> <p>had a bit of a d'oh! moment there.</p> <p>Never mind.</p> <p>Shuttlecock </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23252#post-63064 Thu, 31 Mar 2011 06:56:21 +0000 jp1885 63064@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Welcome Martin - Submissions are posted in the Writers' Room :-) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23252#post-63061 Thu, 31 Mar 2011 06:04:09 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 63061@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thank you Jeremy Hunt, for the gracious welcome.</p> <p>And thank you be reasonable for...well, being reasonable really.</p> <p>I'm not sure what "but what" means. But I'm pretty sure it's well intended.</p> <p>I thought I was posting a story/article entry there. That's what can happen when you're relaxing with a Bud - the beer I mean...</p> <p>Look, I'm new here - go easy on me, okay?</p> <p>Jeeze - is that the time?</p> <p>The wife's gonna KILL me!</p> <p>Toodle pip.</p> <p>Shuttlecock. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23252#post-63055 Thu, 31 Mar 2011 05:16:16 +0000 be reasonable 63055@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Welcome, but, what? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23252#post-63054 Thu, 31 Mar 2011 04:37:31 +0000 Jeremy Hunt 63054@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hello Martin Shuttlecock.I'm Jeremy Hunt.Welcome to NewsBiscuit. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23252#post-63029 Wed, 30 Mar 2011 20:22:47 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 63029@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think I just made a right arse of this.</p> <p>It was meant to be a story submission.</p> <p>If anyone of you lovely people could point me in the right direction, I'll be eternally grateful.</p> <p>But no sex. I'm happily married, thankyou very much.</p> <p>That'll teach me to post stuff when I've been drinking.</p> <p>Shame on me.</p> <p>Shuttlecock. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23252#post-63023 Wed, 30 Mar 2011 20:15:25 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 63023@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Welcome to Britain in crisis.</p> <p>Most people fail to actually recognise that we're a nation in crisis, but Britain's largest organ, The Daily Male, insists that we are.</p> <p>As we wage yet another war in a country most of us have no interest whatsoever in, with equipment we don't have, and as we combat anarchy in the streets with police officers who will soon become anarchists themselves, and the bins start getting emptied on a six monthly basis...</p> <p>Britain has infinitely more pressing questions to answer.</p> <p>Is it all over between Jordan and the Daily Star? Is Peter Andre really going to propose to Kerry Katona in an Iceland store near you? Is Manchester City's Balotelli off his nut? Will Midsomer Murders really work with a new leading man? Will anarchists disrupt the Royal Wedding? Will Sky News's Anna Botting ever develop a sympathetic demeanour? Will a Wonka like Derek Acorah ever get a new series? Is any of the crap they sell on the late night shopping channels of any use whatsoever?</p> <p>And anyway...who cares?</p> <p>Who really gives a toss?</p> <p>The bottom line is that we're all pretty well screwed anyway. But according to the 'Male' it would be wrong to blame the bankers - those incompetent money grubbing nitwits who got just about everything wrong and plunged the world into recession.</p> <p>It wasn't the bankers' fault.</p> <p>They were just doing their jobs, investing everybody's hard earned in monkey nut futures. They weren't to know. Blaming the bankers for the recession is like blaming Lesley Ash's lips for a downturn in the cosmetic surgery industry.</p> <p>No foundation for it.</p> <p>So just relax - David Cameron has yet again made it all "perfectly clear" whilst obscuring the issue entirely, that we are all irrevocably fucked. Right up the arse. With a silver bullet - or a golden rivet, depending on your preferences.</p> <p>In conclusion: Let's all do a Berlusconi...</p> <p>Lie back, think of Napoli, and live to fight another day.</p> <p>A bit like the French - except they tend to think of Marseille rather than Napoli.</p> <p>Jeeze - whatever next?</p> <p>Jose Mourinho back in the Premiership? Andy Murray winning Wimbledon?</p> <p>According to the Male, all things are possible, but probably won't be realised as we're all DOOMED!</p> <p>More crap as we get it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21007#post-56649 Tue, 08 Feb 2011 14:47:22 +0000 John Wiltshire 56649@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bankers today tried their best to be upset by the new levy which will take £2.5 billion from banks.<br /> 'Oh dear, how sad, never mind,' said one. 'That just means the cleaning lady will have to go without her Christmas tips. As for the rest of us, we'll be having our squillions in bonuses delivered by fleets of lorries as usual. Just don't tell George Osbourne - we're pretending that it will affect us in some way. That way the public will think it actually matters to us, and will leave us alone, so we can carry on making our trillions each day.<br /> 'Anyway, if we get a bit short of the old readies, we'll just invent new bank charges for customers, like charging £50 every time someone walks into a branch, or £150 every time someone complains about our greed.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=12302#post-33704 Wed, 15 Sep 2010 18:19:15 +0000 tidris1 33704@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Financial markets opened this morning to massive sell-off after an unnamed Florida investor released a surplus of Qur’ans onto the global marketplace, sending the price of holy books everywhere crashing. In scenes reminiscent of the collapse of Lehman Brothers two years ago, panic spread rapidly across trading desks in London and New York. “This could be bigger than Greece”, remarked one febrile trader.</p> <p>The market-moving event began last night when a Florida broker placed a sell order for “thousands” of copies of the holy book on behalf of an unnamed local investor. “My client had been buying up Qur’ans for months now - God only knows why - and literally burning his way through his life savings”, said the broker. “Now he's left with all these copies and no idea what to do with them. It was a classic asset price bubble.”</p> <p>There was turmoil in the City, where bankers had been using holy books as collateral for short-term loans. As contagion spread and rumours circulated that offshore hedge funds were also short-selling the Bible and the Torah, religious text traders began to pile up losses. Financial analysts speculate that Barclays, which had led the City in the growth of holy book trading operations, will be forced to make billions of pounds worth of write-downs. “Vince Cable is going to absolutely crucify us for this one”, new CEO ‘Diamond’ Bob Diamond was quoted as saying.</p> <p>Meanwhile, bankers at Goldman Sachs were in a more optimistic mood. “We hedged our holy book exposures by buying up pornography, heavy metal CDs and copies of Richard Dawkins’ latest diatribe”, explained one relieved-looking risk manager. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4414#post-12307 Wed, 12 May 2010 23:01:14 +0000 vicfromvic 12307@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A government thinktank has proposed a radical new plan to redeploy thousands of out of work bankers into agriculture. Faced with the concerns of future food shortages, bankers will be tasked with re-engineering orchards to bear more low-hanging fruit. Any greenfield opportunities will be used for pastures, which will be neatly fenced with value-chain. Bankers will be teamed with marketing executives and assigned to tourist areas for blue-sky thinking to combat England's reputation for poor weather. If the trial is successful, a second phase is proposed whereby advertising executives will be prohibited from brainstorming sessions in all but drought stricken parts of Africa, where mind showers may be appreciated for the first time. In responding to criticism from environmental activists that this may contribute to climate change, bankers stated "we're working on screwing up that part of the world too". Car manufacturers have requested exemption from the plan, for fear that bankers would attempt to reinvent the wheel </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1923#post-5723 Sat, 03 Apr 2010 23:14:53 +0000 borednow 5723@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Chancellor to offer no claims discount of up to 60% for anyone who hasn't made a claim in over 2 years. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1923#post-5696 Sat, 03 Apr 2010 20:34:53 +0000 confidemus 5696@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following recent criticism expressed by business chiefs of the government's plan to increase NI contributions, the Chief Executive Officers of the nationalised banks have written an open letter to the Financial Times, offering to pay all of the added levy for every taxpayer in the UK. The letter, signed by some of the City of London's leading heavyweights, including Lord Marmaduke Poindersister and Sir Christopher Mirandapopolous, outlines how bankers will voluntarily proffer a percentage of their bonuses to the Treasury to cover the NI increase and give the country the financial kick-start it needs.</p> <p>Stated the letter...<blockquote>We recognise that in these difficult times it is only proper for all good men to come to the aid of the country...notwithstanding the unfortunate lack of prudence shown by a large section of the populace in failing to save adequately while borrowing beyond their means, we must recognise that the nation stands or falls together and sacrifices must be shared. </blockquote></p> <p>It is believed the move will add a further £155 billion to the Treasury's coffers, amounting to 0.001% of the national debt. The publicly-owned banks will generate the contributions from the upward bonus adjustments applied to bankers salaries this year, as a so-called 'golden goosing' reward for the increased responsibility of managing government bail-out cash. Said Sir Christopher: <blockquote> Bankers are not used to dealing with these tangible cash amounts. It is exceedingly burdensome to manage real money when you are used to futurised virtualities and shortstock-barreling hedge-spreads. Of course we need to set bonus levels appropriately in order to retain experts with the expertise to spend the public's money wisely. It shows that the spirit of the Blitz is alive and trading in the City when these philanthropic heroes are willing to each give 2.5% of their hard-earned additional bonus payments to help the country. We owe them more than can be expressed in mere words and I think that over the forthcoming year it will of course be necessary to increase bonus payments to reflect the calibre of the individuals we now have at the helm of the economy.</blockquote></p> <p>Shadow Chancellor, Georgie Osbourne declined to comment on the announcement until the markets open, however the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, said: <blockquote>The country owes a significant debt to Lord Poindersister and Sir Christopher and all the other bankers already. This generous gesture shows just how much we will always be in their debt."</blockquote> </p>