http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=ashley-cole The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 18 Jun 2013 22:05:21 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124254 Mon, 28 May 2012 06:25:51 +0000 arthurminnit 124254@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>i got exactly the same reply when i asked if i could shit on her chest and rub it in.<br /> true, im not dying, but you must admit , i AM very sick. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124095 Fri, 25 May 2012 17:58:34 +0000 JohnA 124095@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'd give it four knuckles rather than five... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124091 Fri, 25 May 2012 17:21:34 +0000 Mandy Lifeboat 124091@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Shouldn't Mackworth be referred to by its proper title of Smackworth... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124084 Fri, 25 May 2012 15:53:06 +0000 cinquecento 124084@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>the late Michael Jackson would have helped out a dying teenager whther they wanted it or not. It's why he wore that single glove.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124083 Fri, 25 May 2012 15:50:32 +0000 Oxbridge 124083@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>How dare you sir? I'm 49 and will be for quite a few years yet. I picked Leicester at random. I'll have a go at rejigging this. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124067 Fri, 25 May 2012 13:58:50 +0000 beau-jolly 124067@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A sniffy little point:<br /> I know Liecester isn't Oxbridge but it is a decent place and is where genetic finger printing was developed among other things. If you want to poke fun then a "new" university would be more appropriate such as Derby University (formerly Mackworth Tech.) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124053 Fri, 25 May 2012 12:53:32 +0000 nostra da mouse 124053@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I take VCG's point about the age, you wouldn't be about 57 by any chance would you Oxbridge? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124046 Fri, 25 May 2012 12:27:21 +0000 Psycadelic Squirrel 124046@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I wonder what celebs would give a hand job to a dying person? Reckon the Cheeky Girls would, both at the same time aswell probably. Probably not Posh, but reckon Ginger would give it a bash. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124036 Fri, 25 May 2012 11:40:33 +0000 JonnyJP 124036@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Professor of Dappy From N Dubz Studies at the University of Leicester"</p> <p>Loved that line but how about putting the word university in quotes, just to twist the knife a bit more </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-124035 Fri, 25 May 2012 11:34:52 +0000 ianslat 124035@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it. Can you get the Tulisa (her X-Factor replacement) sex-tape in there too? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-123982 Thu, 24 May 2012 19:38:42 +0000 Thor 123982@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I’ll give it five (snigger). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-123975 Thu, 24 May 2012 19:00:45 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 123975@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think this is a great idea, but for me the story doesn't quite live up to its potential. I don't think the euphemisms really add to it either, it might actually work better if it was more explicit. And I think it would work better if it was a younger fan too.</p> <p>'Who does she think she is? She wouldn't be where she was today if it wasn't for her fans. You'd think that the least she could do is toss off a dying teenage boy to show her appreciation. I certainly won't be buying any more of her music, and I've a good mind to find somebody else to wank over too.'</p> <p>How about dragging the Make a Wish foundation into it too? He could sue them for not granting his wish, and they could respond by saying they try to make dreams come true, but don't actually have the power to force celebrities to perform sex acts against their will. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43328#post-123973 Thu, 24 May 2012 17:24:32 +0000 Oxbridge 123973@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As he fought his last battle with bowel cancer, 57-year-old Swindon accounts manager Raymond Carruthers always knew what his last wish was for: 'I want a hand job off Cheryl Cole. That would be the ultimate happy finish', he said. Alas, it was not to be his family are now slating the 'callous' Geordie songbird for letting Carruthers die in misery.</p> <p>'We emailed her management - no answer. We rang the X-Factor office - they just sniggered,' said Carruthers' grieving brother Brian. 'A quick tug was all my brother wanted but Little Miss Hoity-Toity the nation's sweetheart is obviously too busy to bother about her fans these days. Raymond loved her, even though he was first diagnosed in 2002 when Girls Aloud were formed. That might be a coincidence, of course, I'm just saying.'</p> <p>According to analysts, Cole's attitude is symptomatic of an alarming decline in the willingness of pop stars to meet their followers' heartfelt wishes over the past 50 years. A recent report by Charles Murray-Jones, Professor of Dappy From N Dubz Studies at the University of Leicester, noted that the Rolling Stones combined had sex with over 200 groupies on one three-week tour in 1968. 'Today, the likes of Justin Bieber can't even manage one,' said Murray-Jones sadly.</p> <p>Brian Davison remains unable to accept Cole's excuse for not battling the purple yogurt slinger. 'A nice smile and a quick tug was all he wanted. Oh, and a cheerleader outfit. I bet she wasn't so picky for Mr Ashley la-de-da Cole. What did he have that my brother didn't? Other than a multi-million pound mansion, ten Bentleys, a well-ripped six pack and the ability to maintain an erection.'</p> <p>Not all celebrities are quite so selfish when it comes to painting the flag pole, however. When she heard of Raymond's plight, Katie Price volunteered to drive over to the hospice, oil herself up milk the lizard in and stream it live on her website. 'Unfortunately she wanted to sing as well,' said Brian. 'And we didn't want anything to finish off poor Raymond ahead of her time. But it was a nice thought all the same.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31154#post-88106 Thu, 29 Sep 2011 16:37:35 +0000 Gerontius 88106@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's a fine piece either way - but my mum keeps ticking me off for hanging around with the 'wrong sort' so it's sort of self-interest really.<br /> I can hear the tut-tutting 200 miles away<br /> I'm dreading my 60th birthday </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31154#post-88071 Thu, 29 Sep 2011 14:03:52 +0000 Qoxiivi 88071@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Gerontius: I know what you’re getting at, but in this article my intention was for words like ‘cunt’ et al to be more non-pejorative descriptions of people and their saleable attributes and not so much terms of abuse. This was meant to be in keeping with the piece’s idea that they’re almost qualities that can be honed and exploited in order to make a living. In this way, being an insufferable cunt is as much a valuable asset to someone wanting to be a hate-figure as proficiency in, say, C++ is to someone who wants to be a games programmer. If that makes any sense... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31154#post-88049 Thu, 29 Sep 2011 12:42:28 +0000 witless 88049@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Didnt I read this exact article in the letters section of the Times recently? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31154#post-87988 Thu, 29 Sep 2011 10:00:41 +0000 Gerontius 87988@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Another fine idea...FWIW I think if you cleaned it up a little, maybe change some of the 'street' phrases for something more cynical (rather than bawdy) it could go higher.<br /> But then....WTFDIK </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31154#post-87898 Wed, 28 Sep 2011 20:35:39 +0000 Qoxiivi 87898@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers. Contains a couple of cunts (well, six if you count the word 'cunt') but hopefully that won't hinder it as they're not in the title. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31154#post-87872 Wed, 28 Sep 2011 18:12:09 +0000 waylandsmithy 87872@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very nice indeed! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31154#post-87836 Wed, 28 Sep 2011 14:38:37 +0000 dvo4fun 87836@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'..being a swaggering bell-end..' poetry in motion. </p> <p>Had some dificulty seeing IDS delivering parts of his lines but Big stars nonetheless. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31154#post-87830 Wed, 28 Sep 2011 14:05:31 +0000 Screenie 87830@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>That's me heading for the dole queue then. Stars. Horrible, unpleasant, racist stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31154#post-87798 Wed, 28 Sep 2011 12:12:39 +0000 Qoxiivi 87798@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An entire generation of aspiring arseholes could be forced to pursue meaningful employment as the job market for media hate-figures reaches saturation point, recruitment experts have warned.</p> <p>Tim Bekir, CEO of specialist recruitment website totalknobs.com, says the situation looks bleak for thousands of prospective animosity-magnets.</p> <p>‘From Naomi Campbell to Jack Tweed, these kids have grown up bathed in the success and ubiquity of countless reprehensible cunts and, naturally, it’s a career-path many of them have aspired to.’</p> <p>‘They’ve seen that with the right publicist and haircut, being a swaggering bell-end can, far from holding you back in life, actually form the basis of a good living as schadenfreude-fodder in magazines and on reality shows. Unfortunately though, there’s now so many out there that even the most obnoxious shit-horns are going to have trouble getting in to Heat.’</p> <p>Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, says his sympathies go out to all those affected by the adverse market conditions.</p> <p>‘With little to no skills outside taking cocaine and being unpleasant, I know how hard it’s going to be for some of these cunts to find a proper job. It’s tough out there. I remember one particularly desperate case recently where you had 16 obnoxious pricks all applying for the same position. The Apprentice, I think it was called.’</p> <p>‘In the meantime though, these kids will just have to get themselves down the Job Centre where, actually, they should feel right at home.’</p> <p>Bekir agrees and says that even his most brash and talentless clients may simply have to give up on their dreams and pursue other careers. ‘I’ve got one particularly annoying guy on my books who, on paper, has it all. He’s been a twat in all the right places for months now but just can’t get any press.’</p> <p>‘Every time he does something thick like punch a nightclub barman or be racist in a cafe, there’s always someone else like Ashley Cole being an even bigger dick just around the corner, stealing his column inches. It doesn’t matter how much he does wrong, nothing goes right for him.’</p> <p>‘It’s a shame because he’s such a wanker. I hate to say it, but I think the time might have come for him to jack it all in and consider a job in PR.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23439#post-64525 Tue, 12 Apr 2011 14:59:13 +0000 Oxbridge 64525@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Dear Sir</p> <p>I am outraged that you describe Chelsea as the most hated club in England and demand an immediate retraction.</p> <p>Yours sincerely</p> <p>Manchester United </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23439#post-63627 Tue, 05 Apr 2011 08:13:49 +0000 Screenie 63627@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Rumours that the statue will be varnished with actual 'Gary Glitter' are yet to be confirmed. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23439#post-63569 Mon, 04 Apr 2011 16:33:18 +0000 FormerlyAlOPecia 63569@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>ow about something along the lines of "Abromovich , in response to criticism from fans, added'they are not true fans, and if they don't like it they can go to Thailand' ". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23439#post-63568 Mon, 04 Apr 2011 16:06:48 +0000 Qoxiivi 63568@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thought this might have legs so have knocked up something quickly to go with it, although it could still sit merely as a ticker. Any amends, ideas etc welcome. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23439#post-63545 Mon, 04 Apr 2011 14:26:11 +0000 Qoxiivi 63545@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a bid to trump Fulham’s controversial Michael Jackson statue, Chelsea owner, Roman Abramovich, has today announced plans for a Gary Glitter statue at Stamford Bridge.</p> <p>Although designs are still in their early stages, insiders at the London club have hinted that, due to an almost limitless budget, the statue will likely incorporate the latest technology in an effort to out-do the realism of Fulham’s recent erection.</p> <p>“Motion sensors in the eyes will allow Gary’s gaze to track any children in the immediate area, while sophisticated face-mapping algorithms will allow the statue to recognise trade-mark symmetrical features of attractive kids and respond appropriately. Well, inappropriately.” chuckled Chelsea’s in-house designer.</p> <p>“Once a child has taken the statue’s fancy, motors in the arms will allow it to beckon them over, at which point sweets will be dispensed from the crotch area; showering the child thanks to a powerful pelvic thrusting mechanism. It’s just a bit of fun really.”</p> <p>Commenting on the likelihood of the statue causing controversy, Chairman Bruce Buck was unconcerned. “We’re proud of our status as the most hated club in the country so this statue is well in keeping with our ethos. Plus, if any children do make it inside, we’ll have Ashley Cole ready and waiting with an air rifle.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11778#post-32263 Tue, 07 Sep 2010 07:06:55 +0000 R R 32263@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'He will play in a threesome with John Terry and Ashley Cole' reported Capello to a pressroom full of shocked reporters who just wanted to know about the football . . . </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7466#post-20145 Wed, 30 Jun 2010 11:35:30 +0000 AlexR 20145@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>End is nigh for Tony Hayward's PR contract with Ashley Cole. More soon. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=74#post-276 Fri, 19 Feb 2010 17:48:01 +0000 rikkor 276@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Adding F of F as a tag every time will also avert the devestation bound to occur when the Mayan "Long Count" calendar ends in 2012. You can see how well this is working when you look at the swirling topics in the blue box on the front page here. Yours in averting the end of all humanity, Rikkor. </p>