http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=asda The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Mon, 20 May 2013 17:24:16 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59482#post-172736 Thu, 11 Apr 2013 10:43:52 +0000 deceangli 172736@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Boffins at the Sellafield nuclear reprocessing plant have been told to halt production of nuclear waste after traces of Asda own-brand corned beef were found in a plutonium sample.</p> <p>"The terrifying thing about Asda own-brand meat is that you just don't know what's in it", said trendy physicist Brian Cox. "Nuclear waste isn't exactly healthy, but at least you can trust the ingredients list" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56572#post-163675 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 19:13:09 +0000 AReader 163675@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Paragraphs 5 and 6 unnecessary but still a nice shaggy dog story. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56572#post-163629 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 16:38:49 +0000 Tess Goes 163629@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very entertaining </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56572#post-163615 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 15:57:19 +0000 Gary Stanton 163615@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks, edited with new punchline. I couldn't access the site for the last 3 hours. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56572#post-163608 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 13:04:46 +0000 Tripod 163608@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff... stars (five for the price of three)... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56572#post-163607 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 13:00:56 +0000 Gary Stanton 163607@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The tinned foods aisle of a Wirral-based branch of Asda is locked in a bitter blood feud over the who should price up the mushy peas, according to reports. The rival clans from Hoylake and West Kirby have amassed personal wealth estimated to be in the thousands after putting in extra night shifts at the store’s branch in Woodchurch. </p> <p>The rift dates back to 2001 when a group of Asda Aces led by ‘Steve’ split from those led by ‘Colin’ over a carelessly-stacked batch of Winalot mixer. A geological survey at the time concluded that earth tremors posed a ‘significant risk’ to batches of dog food stacked over four feet high, but Colin pressed on with his hare-brained scheme, insisting he needed to maximise space to accommodate two hundred tins of Cesar.</p> <p>In the event a tremor set off by a passing lorry led to a cascade of tins, three of which struck Steve on his elbow causing substantial bruising and momentary nausea. ‘I was very lucky,’ said Steve, ’Cesar had been recently rebranded from Mr Dog, the tins of which were less streamlined. Had it been Mr Dog I would’ve been eating through a straw by now. ‘I’ll never forgive that lowlife bastard.’</p> <p>The latest dispute centres on Aisle 13, a notoriously grey area. Last night police were called to the store when Steve’s mate Darren threatened Colin with a pricing gun after the pair attempted to label the same tin of Harry Ramsden’s peas – a bargain at 39p. </p> <p>DS Jack Brine said ‘The use of a pricing gun marks a disturbing trend. We are witnessing a power shift with Steve’s gang, who traditionally control aisles 14 to 20, attempting to make inroads into aisles 1 to 13, which with the exception of bleach and household cleaning products, is Colin’s turf.‘</p> <p>‘We understand that Steve has vowed to extend his empire from tinned peas to the adjacent aisle 12 containing Fray Bentos meat pies and packet ‘mashed potato and has instructed his gang to mark the aisle out as their territory by hanging their training shoes from the overhead lighting. </p> <p>Colin said ‘For generations my ‘family’ have held exclusive rights to stack and price up aisle 13 as agreed by the previous store manager Phil Wilson, a good guy who sadly didn’t make it. Steve is dirty underhanded scum just like his Granddaddy.’ Colin added </p> <p>‘Today I woke up to find a packet of dubiously sourced frozen lasagne on my pillow. Anymore of this and I’m applying to study Geology at Keele.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56124#post-162121 Mon, 11 Feb 2013 14:08:08 +0000 Johnny Silvers 162121@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks VCG, the article was written in a hurry and forget to run it past the smell checker :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56124#post-162112 Mon, 11 Feb 2013 13:53:42 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 162112@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You missed a couple, "Publically" and "Sighting".</p> <p>I quite like this, it's well-written and a different angle to a lot of the other efforts on this subject. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56124#post-162089 Mon, 11 Feb 2013 12:46:43 +0000 Johnny Silvers 162089@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Typos and grammar errors corrected! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56124#post-162081 Mon, 11 Feb 2013 12:18:55 +0000 Johnny Silvers 162081@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a surprise revelation Mark Hamsey, Pedigree Chum’s chief product line manager, announced a 15% rise in profits for the last quarter. Hamsey attributes the increase in profits to the companies decision to switch from horse meat to beef as the main ingredient in their premium dog food range.</p> <p>“It’s simple economics really,” said Hamsey when asked about the company’s switch to beef. “We saw an increasing demand for horse meat across the markets and this always drives up prices. At the same time demand for beef from the big food processing companies fell, so we switched to the cheaper meat as our main ingredient.”</p> <p>Sales of Pedigree Chum’s premium canned dog food benefited from a further boost when news of the high beef content hit social media platforms. Twitter was flooded with tweets accompanied by the #bestbeefyet hash tag and new Pedigree Casserole recipes were being circulated on Facebook.</p> <p>Sylvia Connelly, a 44 year old mother of 3, posted that her weekly shopping bill reduced by £9.86 when she switched from Asda’s own brand processed meat products to equivalent products under the Pedigree Chum brand.</p> <p>It is as yet unknown whether this new high-beef content ingredient will be championed by the TV Celebrity Chefs but maverick food campaigner and restauranteur Jamie Oliver was the first to comment publicly. In a GMTV interview aired this morning Oliver said “families have to do the best they can in these harsh economic times. And let’s face it a large can of Pedigree could easily feed a family at dinner time, all you’d need to add was some rolled puff pastry and you’ve got a tasty beef pie.”</p> <p>The stock market reacted positively to this latest profits announcement, citing a move in investment funds from controversy hit supermarket shares to the pet food giant. 8 out of 10 fund managers said their portfolios preferred the new beefier profits. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152923 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 18:41:38 +0000 dvo4fun 152923@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have some stars Oxy for some genuine laughs. Not that this relates to my own family you understand - wanted to make that quite clear </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152895 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:21:51 +0000 riesler 152895@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My MIL did things like this but it turned out to be early signs of Alzheimers. Just thought I'd share. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152894 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:18:51 +0000 Oxbridge 152894@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah, I was having a stroke, hence Little Mix playing netball. Corrections noted, ta. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152892 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:11:17 +0000 Perks 152892@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>NB being used as therapy again!</p> <p>Double check first para, asda this wife? And identified as her mother </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152891 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:10:18 +0000 waylandsmithy 152891@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>According to sources close to your wife, who have just been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is 40% off in Asda this wife.</blockquote></p> <p>Are you having a stroke? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152890 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:03:08 +0000 Oxbridge 152890@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>According to a source close to your wife, who has just been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is 40% off in Asda this week. The news emerged in a phone call that woke you from a dream about Little Mix playing netball at two minutes past six this morning, for fuck's sake.</p> <p>'She just found the ads from the local paper last week and wanted us to know,' sighed your wife. Reports suggest that your wife is now in a bit of a bind because she does agree that her mother should stop phoning at the crack of bloody dawn and wouldn't have minded another half-hour in bed herself but is also honour-bound to take the side of anyone you slag off.</p> <p>Analysts now agree that there is growing tension between the part of you that wants to say her sodding mother has been to your town seven times this year - and trust you, you have counted - and she should know there isn't a bastard Asda for miles around and the part that is inclined to shut up and just avoid getting the relationship lecture yet again. The likelihood of this conflict erupting with potentially catastrophic consequences has been exacerbated in the last few seconds by your wife's retort that she knows you've never liked her mother. </p> <p>You have sensed that saying 'Yes, I told you that myself' is a trap but saying you might as well make some tea then in an aggrieved manner so as to avoid losing the battle while also leaving a silent-but-deadly as you exit the room, is not a viable exit strategy, especially given that your wife's last boyfriend would have got up and made the sodding tea already actually. He's a surgeon now, earning a fortune.</p> <p>At press time, it remained unclear as to whether you would press your temporary moral advantage home at the risk of seeing if your wife really meant that she doesn't want you to go to her mother's at Christmas. Weighing up eating at someone else's expense and going to a match on Boxing Day match against not having to look over your shoulder while using the PC for three full days may need to be outsourced to a consultant. </p> <p>'We don't even eat Lurpak,' you add on your way downstairs. 'Fucking hell.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30548#post-86039 Fri, 16 Sep 2011 17:22:03 +0000 writinginbsl 86039@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>funny<br /> stars</p> <p>i thought he stayed in hotels though </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30548#post-85982 Fri, 16 Sep 2011 13:40:55 +0000 rikkor 85982@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I love Meat? PLC, too. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30548#post-85969 Fri, 16 Sep 2011 12:50:09 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 85969@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've read the lizard bit about 7 times now, and it still makes me smile. And I'm walking round the office occasionally just grinning to myself as I think about it. Really good stuff. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30548#post-85966 Fri, 16 Sep 2011 12:40:21 +0000 dvo4fun 85966@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sorry. Can't help asking - would he have to choke the lizard? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30548#post-85960 Fri, 16 Sep 2011 12:29:56 +0000 Golgo13 85960@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Stretching the definition of "recipe" but I saw him stick a rubber tube up his arse and "drink" dirty water rectally to stay hydrated when the only water available would make you sick.</p> <p>So the scenario is he's forgotten to bring clean water, but he <em>has</em> at least remembered his rubber-tube-and-funnel field enema kit.</p> <p>Sounds like at some level <em>someone</em> wanted this kind of thing to happen...</p> <p>"Lads...I've...ha-ha...you won't believe this...I've, er, only gone and left the clean water back at camp...<br /> ...I know...we're going to need to do something to stay hydrated, but...</p> <p>...no wait! Hang on...I think I might have a rubber tube and a...yes! I've got a rubber tube and a funnel in my rucksack! Thirsty?" </p> <p>I bet the camera crew were sipping bottles of evian, mind. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30548#post-85936 Fri, 16 Sep 2011 10:54:22 +0000 Qoxiivi 85936@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers VCG - that's actually my favourite bit too (fucking quality badger FP bt the way). Textbook - have added consumption of one's own piss into the Red Squirrel recipe. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30548#post-85935 Fri, 16 Sep 2011 10:51:44 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 85935@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep, great stuff. Particularly like 'A lizard' recipe. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30548#post-85933 Fri, 16 Sep 2011 10:48:11 +0000 Qoxiivi 85933@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fuck. Good point. Cheers Mr T. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30548#post-85932 Fri, 16 Sep 2011 10:46:43 +0000 Textbook 85932@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Did you deliberately avoid piss drinking or what? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30548#post-85928 Fri, 16 Sep 2011 10:35:26 +0000 Screenie 85928@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant stuff. Meat? Plc I particularly like. Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30548#post-85920 Fri, 16 Sep 2011 10:18:07 +0000 Golgo13 85920@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30548#post-85915 Fri, 16 Sep 2011 10:14:42 +0000 Qoxiivi 85915@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Inaugural cookbook by popular public schoolboy survivalist, Bear Grylls, has shot to the top of the best sellers list.</p> <p>The book, containing classic Grylls recipe favourites like ‘Freshly Squeezed Shit Drippings’ and ‘A Lizard’ has been a hit with trendy, time-poor Brits thanks to its short preparation times and no nonsense instructions such as, ‘First, find some shit; fresh is best’ and ‘Grab it, grab it before it gets away’, respectively.</p> <p>Entitled 'From Ditch To Digestive Tract In A Jiffy', the title's publishers say the book is as much a lifestyle guide for banqueting on a budget as it is a essential tome for surviving-until-you're-rescued-from-a-remote-and-inhospitable-pacific-archipelago.</p> <p>'We've all been there. You get home, open the fridge and there's simply nothing to eat. Well, this book shows you there's an easier route to a quick meal than trekking to your local Co-op for some red onions and fillet steak; such as your neighbour's cat and that thing that died behind your shed some time ago.'</p> <p>William Colvin, commercial director of Meat? Plc, the UK's largest off-cuts wholesaler, says the book's release has seen a massive increase in orders from upmarket supermarkets looking to cater for consumers short on the essentials.</p> <p>'It's great news for us. We've had to triple our available stocks of horse duodenum and sheep lips to satisfy the demand from Waitrose alone. They're now our biggest customer, surpassing Battersea Dogs' Home and even Asda.'</p> <p>However, one of the book's most vocal critics, Jamie Oliver, has taken particular exception to Bear encroaching on his territory.</p> <p>'I'm the king of contemporary cut-price cooking, not him. He wouldn't like it if I flew out to some isolated Argentinian island and instructed dinner ladies on how to bite the heads off injured penguins would he? Neither would his publishers: Penguin. No, this is definitely not pukka.'</p> <p>He also had health and safety concerns over some of the recipes. 'His 'Scorpion With Foetid Cheese' certainly wouldn't make into Sainsbury's Taste the Difference range, and his 'Torn Red Squirrel In Your Piss' is very rare; that needs at least another half an hour in the sun I reckon. Still, I suppose even those are safer to eat than most of Nigella's recipes.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=22380#post-60514 Thu, 10 Mar 2011 17:27:45 +0000 riesler 60514@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>how will they indicate the unnecessary sign sign? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=22380#post-60510 Thu, 10 Mar 2011 17:15:46 +0000 Sinnick 60510@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>and then employing someone with an "unnecessary sign" sign </p>