http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=arse The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 08:56:06 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44366#post-126912 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 17:39:42 +0000 Sinnick 126912@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice piece, but it's best to mark your own work after a few others have had a say, or you get desperate. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44366#post-126906 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 17:15:29 +0000 TiffindeVere 126906@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex, is working on a three-part episodic show with his newly-reformed production company which hopes to capture on film for the first time in history the moment of conception of a Royal child. </p> <p>A close aide of Prince Edward has gone on record as saying, “The show will feature William and Kate in a variety of intimate scenarios, filmed predominantly in the bedroom of their apartment in Clarence House, surrounded by well-known public figures from the world of film, TV and politics dressed in an assortment of bad costumes, prancing about in the background committing career suicide. John Travolta is set to appear in several scenes dressed as a giant onion.”</p> <p>Rumours that Pippa Middleton will take part in the programme have been quashed, with the aide revealing, “His Royal Highness Prince Edward will not allow Kate to be outshone by her sister’s buttocks.” A close friend of the Earl of Wessex revealed that Edward has categorically told all those involved that “the only arse that will upstage the Duchess of Cambridge will be me”.</p> <p>‘It’s A Royal Knock-Up’ will air on Channel 4 in late summer. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29059#post-81423 Wed, 10 Aug 2011 14:17:27 +0000 Oxbridge 81423@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's recycled from the last two Augusts, of course. Thought it was worth one last go. Looks like Jazzer's one from before my time said it all really. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29059#post-81415 Wed, 10 Aug 2011 13:18:30 +0000 rikkor 81415@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Or, has time re-written every line? If we had a chance to do it all again, tell me, could we, should we? Me-hem-ories...</p> <p><a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10785#post-29477" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10785#post-29477</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29059#post-81411 Wed, 10 Aug 2011 11:53:24 +0000 Midnight Dreary 81411@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Unfortunately, "Pretty girls get A levels" is only just behind "Andy Murray reverts to being Scottish" in the list of all-time most popular submissions here.</p> <p>Here's one at random:</p> <p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2007/08/18/newspaper-hacks-celebrate-prettiest-a-level-students-ever-180/">pretty girls get A levels</a></p> <p>Oh, and Mary Evans has <a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7720#post-20883">bagged</a> the next time this joke is allowed to come up.</p> <p>Strange that this got five stars, though - I guess someone must have liked it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29059#post-81392 Wed, 10 Aug 2011 09:43:46 +0000 Oxbridge 81392@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Up and down the country, thousands of attractive girls have performed a traditional British summer coming-of-age ceremony by looking happy for the cameras as they celebrate their A’level results. The Department for Education said that radiance grades among A’level students have reached an all-time peak this year.</p> <p>'I’ve got four A*s and I’m going to do Medicine at Cambridge,' squealed willowy blonde Gillian Atkinson, as she read her results outside Cheltenham Ladies College. Her pert young breasts bobbed under her thin flowery blouse as she ran to hug her best friend Charlotte Connors in a faintly erotic but still wholesome way.</p> <p>Connors, a lissome brunette, 18 - so it's OK, she's legal - also had cause to rejoice. She giggled coquettishly, her long, shapely legs gleaming in the morning sunshine, as she revealed to watching camera crews that three As and a B would be enough for her to study English Literature and Sociology at the University of Durham.</p> <p>It was also celebration time for pretty girls at state schools. In Manchester, Laura Smallwood, a foxy redhead from Corbetts Hill College in figure-hugging jeans, beamed with delight as she opened her results to show two Bs and two Cs, more than she needed to get into her Drama course at Salford University. </p> <p>Meanwhile in Sheffield, Sally Lumb smiled shyly – but you know what they say about the quiet ones, eh? – as she told waiting journalists about the row of four Bs she had achieved. 'I’m on my way to St Andrews to study Politics,' she said.</p> <p>Critics have claimed that standards have been ‘uglied down’ in recent years and that this has made it all too easy for girls to look lovely on Results Day. However, the government rejects this, saying that the girls deserve full credit for all their hard work in getting their lithe young bodies in perfect shape for mid-August.</p> <p>According to unconfirmed reports, some ordinary-looking girls also got their A’level results yesterday. And some boys, apparently. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21428#post-57892 Fri, 18 Feb 2011 08:44:38 +0000 Anonymous 57892@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Green Fashion my arse" complained 58 year old Market Trader Bob Woods. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19717#post-53105 Sat, 08 Jan 2011 14:14:44 +0000 Matt T 53105@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Radio One Breakfast Show host, Chris Moyles has been named as the reason for the current shortage of flu jabs in a leaked Government email.</p> <p>Problems apparently began after attempts to immunise lard-arsed Moyles used up the last 20,000 doses as medics tried in vain to get the vaccine to penetrate his rhino-like thick skin which he is believed to have developed from years of continuing to be paid a £600k annual salary despite thousands of complaints about the sexist, racist, homophobic crap he spews out of people’s radios every morning. </p> <p>After efforts to inject his upper arm were abandoned, doctors made a last ditch attempt to deliver the vaccine in suppository form but were unable to gain access to Moyles’ arse “because he is continually talking out of it.” </p> <p>Health Minister, Julia Swanson said, “The Government has considered a range of alternative options for protecting uninfected people from the flu outbreak and has opted for the Big Society self-help solution of getting everyone who doesn’t have flu to hold their breath thus preventing them from breathing in the virus and getting sick. Simples!”</p> <p>When asked whether this could lead to waves of fatalities as people asphyxiate, Ms Swanson said, “No solution is perfect and quite frankly that kind of ‘can’t do’ attitude is not what we need in a crisis. Anyway, millions of deaths would reduce the demand for public services and welfare benefits and help us pull out of recession. It’s win-win really.”</p> <p>Ms Swanson was then asked if it would have been better to simply ask sick people to stay home or wear masks instead to which she replied, “Oh yeah. I hadn’t thought of that. Still, it’s too late now.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13647#post-37122 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 15:10:54 +0000 be reasonable 37122@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'm alarmed already. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13647#post-37110 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 14:40:28 +0000 Ostsee 37110@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Maybe the IoW should rise up in revolt, form the Provisional Radio 2 (PRAT) or the Real Light Programme, take over the Droitwich transmitter and speak to the world, with the help of Jimmy Young, Sarah Kennedy, Terry Wogan, Fran Godfrey, John Marsh, Alice Roberts etc...you know, all the nice people from the BBC. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13647#post-37054 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 12:26:37 +0000 Ostsee 37054@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Whoops, sorry, finger slipped. This was suppose to be posted on manicdepressives.com. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13647#post-37053 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 12:24:44 +0000 Griffin 37053@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>NewsBiscuit is suppose to make people happy and not commit suicide. Take minus 5 million points. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13647#post-37052 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 12:21:44 +0000 Ostsee 37052@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11668#post-32365 Tue, 07 Sep 2010 15:46:17 +0000 Iamthestig 32365@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Surely that would make them I-Pads... or does that depend what time of the month they are used? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11668#post-32164 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 10:52:30 +0000 Oxbridge 32164@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Possible extra line to, ahem, work in?</p> <p>'We developed this as a result of customer feedback,' said Jobs. 'Many told us, shortly after buying their iPhones, that we could stick up our products up our arses from now on.'</p> <p>Added Jobs: 'My ass hurts'. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11668#post-32155 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 10:09:04 +0000 ChrisHarrison 32155@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good! 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11668#post-32117 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 07:53:33 +0000 arrghgarry 32117@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It will certainly make them shuffle </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11668#post-32115 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 07:46:08 +0000 Charlie Snibbs 32115@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Steve Big Jobs</p> <p>very funny by the way </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11668#post-32005 Sun, 05 Sep 2010 09:31:18 +0000 Harry Liddon 32005@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Loved it! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11668#post-31948 Sat, 04 Sep 2010 19:42:19 +0000 fernandomando 31948@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good, but surely owners will, at some stage, have to have a look at the anal housing and thus perform a peculiar procedure of some kind.</p> <p>Have 5 stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11668#post-31947 Sat, 04 Sep 2010 19:40:00 +0000 IABP 31947@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My local store manager says he's got piles </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11668#post-31944 Sat, 04 Sep 2010 19:23:02 +0000 SingingHinny 31944@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'll look forward to laying a little jobby when I go to the toilet then. Very funny, 5*. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11668#post-31943 Sat, 04 Sep 2010 19:18:26 +0000 Peter749400 31943@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://image.xinmin.cn/2010/09/02/20100902024347588665.jpg"></p> <p>Apple enthusiasts faced long queues last night to get their hands on the latest version of the I-pod shuffle, which is designed to be inserted deep into the buyer's anus with a specially designed white probe.</p> <p>Launching the product, Apple CEO Steve jobs surprised the audience after walking on stage with the tell-tale white headphone cord clearly disappearing into his rectum. He then demonstrated how users could change tracks and adjust volume by clenching or flexing their buttocks in a series of easy-to-learn moves. "Just tense the right buttock for volume, and left to change the track" he explained, his eyes watering slightly. "Staff at your local Apple Store will be happy to insert the product for you and provide any necessary aftercare. Once inserted, the device need never be removed - you can plug in the headphones or charger with only moderate discomfort."</p> <p>Apple stores up and down the country were packed with eager buyers, with the lucky few ambling out again with the telltale wider gait which has already been nicknamed the I-pod "shuffle".</p> <p>One early user complained that the controls on the new product made jogging with the device impossible. "Every time I took a step the track changed" he complained. In response an Apple spokesman confirmed that users may need to adopt a wider stance while walking, running or sitting to avoid this. </p> <p>Other reviews criticised the new product's sharp edges and tendency to cause anal bleeding. But one veteran critic was unsurprised, claimed that Apple's products "had always been a bleeding pain in the arse". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2422#post-16768 Thu, 10 Jun 2010 23:07:31 +0000 rikkor 16768@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ump: thank God you didn't call me a tag fag. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2422#post-16759 Thu, 10 Jun 2010 21:39:08 +0000 theumpire 16759@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Rikkor,</p> <p>Was that Dag Tag a Gag, you Wag? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2422#post-16755 Thu, 10 Jun 2010 21:27:19 +0000 brownpaperreporter 16755@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Our 74 goes to the biggest council estate </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2422#post-16752 Thu, 10 Jun 2010 21:15:37 +0000 The All New Jeni B 16752@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Personally, I'd rather look like the 33 than 74... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2422#post-16746 Thu, 10 Jun 2010 20:33:26 +0000 Mr.3374 16746@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What's scary about 3374?<br /> Other than, ah Ok.<br /> Not that bad.... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2422#post-16742 Thu, 10 Jun 2010 20:15:12 +0000 Quaz 16742@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Don't bother playing "the numbers" in the lottery Jeni. So many people use them that if they do come up then the pot will be split umpteen different ways. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2422#post-16611 Thu, 10 Jun 2010 08:30:12 +0000 riesler 16611@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p>