http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=army The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 03:31:18 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130490 Sun, 15 Jul 2012 21:38:27 +0000 HIGNFY 130490@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130481 Sun, 15 Jul 2012 20:15:45 +0000 dvo4fun 130481@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>yep </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130476 Sun, 15 Jul 2012 20:04:27 +0000 Sinnick 130476@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent NiB </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130471 Sun, 15 Jul 2012 19:11:51 +0000 Perks 130471@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Congrats on the NiB.. nice one </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130172 Fri, 13 Jul 2012 09:09:23 +0000 Sinnick 130172@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good opening move, 4*.<br /> If you could squeeze "Olympics" into the title, it would catch the attention better.</p> <p>Note, if you miss the 6 hour window, you can always re-post. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130162 Fri, 13 Jul 2012 08:22:29 +0000 waylandsmithy 130162@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice job, much tighter and more satirical! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130142 Fri, 13 Jul 2012 06:40:25 +0000 writinginbsl 130142@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>funny, higs</p> <p>stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130102 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:40:05 +0000 HIGNFY 130102@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thank you! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130099 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:38:32 +0000 Perks 130099@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Just doing my bit for Queen and Country </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130098 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:37:35 +0000 Perks 130098@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Just click the word edit in green at the bottom of your sub and then you can change the headline and any parts of the sub. That function is their for 6 hours </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130097 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:37:25 +0000 dvo4fun 130097@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>nice work HIG - especially interested to learn that Perks will be available for the troops. Oh edit headline same way as with text </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130096 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:34:53 +0000 HIGNFY 130096@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks Perks - how do I edit the headline? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130089 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:30:18 +0000 Perks 130089@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice sub by the way. Really well tidied up. Much funnier and reads much better. Stars from me </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130087 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:28:16 +0000 Perks 130087@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>How about starting title 'soldiers volunteer to return........ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130086 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:25:54 +0000 HIGNFY 130086@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Big thank you to waylandsmithy for his advice and inspiration! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130085 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:24:47 +0000 HIGNFY 130085@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sorry, Title should be MoD admits that soldiers volunteering to return to Afghanistan rather than patrol in London.....too long! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45307#post-130084 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:23:55 +0000 HIGNFY 130084@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Ministry of Defence has confirmed reports that many soldiers have slapped in requests to return to Afghanistan early rather than be deployed in London during the Olympics.</p> <p>Commanding Officers claim that many of their men, when faced with the prospect of serving in a hostile, unfamiliar environment prefer Afghanistan, with many citing language and cultural differences as reasons for not wishing to be selected to patrol London streets.</p> <p>The army has confirmed that Landover’s and other military equipment will be beefed up for the tough environment by having second floors welded onto them and windscreens fitted with extra strong meshing aswell as car alarm systems and anti-theft devices fitted. </p> <p> Army Doctors have also issued warnings to soldiers being deployed in London and have warned them of the high risk of STDs prevalent in the zones they will be asked to patrol.</p> <p>However there will be some perks for soldiers ordered to London, with increased danger money and an allowance provided to compensate for the harsher living conditions. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45296#post-130067 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 21:33:36 +0000 HIGNFY 130067@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Para 2? No, he was from 2 Para...sorry, couldn't resist.</p> <p> Yes I might just do another one and just go for the troops in East London/Afghanistan slant, though I think by now someone must have done one or made a joke up about it somewhere - appreciate your feed back - thanks a lot. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45296#post-130065 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 21:25:14 +0000 waylandsmithy 130065@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah, sorry, I was a bit abrupt! Para 2 has no punctuation and is one, long sentence. Para 4 is the same. Generally, if it's a bit choppier, it's easier to read.</p> <p>You've nailed the ridiculousness of the situation, but I think you need to set up a premise to make it seem more ridiculous. The headline has great promise, but the article doesn't really expand on that idea: it needs more parallels between a hostile, unfamiliar environment that troops are desperate to leave, and Afghanistan. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45296#post-130061 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 21:03:40 +0000 HIGNFY 130061@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, thanks for the critique - kind of agree with your comments would love some pointers regarding how I can "repair" this and constructive comment re punctuation so I can improve. Thanks. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45296#post-130038 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 19:55:08 +0000 waylandsmithy 130038@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's not really satire, it's kind of 'angry reporting' with a joke in it. It's a bit all over the place and needs punctuation. Good subject matter, just too factual! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45296#post-130021 Thu, 12 Jul 2012 18:38:58 +0000 HIGNFY 130021@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Prime Minister David Cameron was last night spotted breathing a big sigh of relief after the army was called in to provide 3500 troops to beef up security for the Olympic Games.</p> <p>Despite announcing massive cuts and redundancies in Britain’s armed forces the PM was quick to order the cancellation of leave for the already overstretched army after G4S said they were not sufficiently manned nor equipped to provide adequate security for London 2012 despite the fact they have already received payments of over #2 Billion for protecting the games resulting in massive dividend for its shareholders.............</p> <p>In June 2010 David Cameron announced plans to enshrine the Military Covenant in law - such a development would have allowed British servicemen and servicewomen to sue the State for breaches of the Military Covenant. </p> <p>The Covenant is a term used mainly by the British Army, other British armed forces and the media in relation to the question of adequate safeguards, rewards and compensation for military personnel who risk their lives.</p> <p>In February 2011 the Conservative-Liberal Democrat government decided that there was no need to make the Covenant law, proposing instead to cover it in an annual report to parliament which now seems was a bloody shrewd move as poorly paid service members cancel holidays and flights, with no refunds and with no recourse to the law to complain.</p> <p>Meanwhile fat cat G4S executives (and shareholders) get paid tax payers money while the army does the work.</p> <p>Corporal Dave “Smudge” Smith, of the Parachute Regiment asked “So, let me get this right, I come back from Afghanistan, book a holiday for me and the wife and nippers to Spain for two weeks, get me bloody leave cancelled, lose me money and then have to patrol bloody London for three weeks? Meanwhile the bloke, who was meant to do it and has been paid to do it, by me, via my tax, says he can’t do it, yet I don’t get a refund from him? Also, the Prime Minster, who makes money from dividends from the shares he has in this blokes company then tells me I am being made redundant, yet then wants me to work on me holidays because the bloke he got to replace me can’t cope?”</p> <p>Yes, that’s about it Smudge. </p> <p>Reports that some soldiers have volunteered to return to Afghanistan early, rather than patrol the mean streets of East London, have not yet been confirmed. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40441#post-115032 Sun, 25 Mar 2012 10:54:54 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 115032@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>M.O.D spokesman coy about possible unsavory NATO action. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=24509#post-66544 Mon, 02 May 2011 13:05:03 +0000 evilsuperstar 66544@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The US Government has revealed more information about the intelligence sources used to find Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan. The terrorist had evaded forces for almost a decade so military officials had begun to look at alternative methods of tracking him down including social networking sites.</p> <p>A spokesman for the US military said “We originally tried looking on Facebook and MySpace but with no luck. It sounds crazy but we knew Bin Laden liked sharing movie clips so we thought it might be worth a try. Unfortunately he wasn’t on either of those sites and we knew from detailed criminal profiling that he just wasn’t a Bebo kind of guy.”</p> <p>The breakthrough came when a US soldier Private Benjamin Zimmerman accidentally found him via the location based social networking site Foursquare. Speaking this morning Private Zimmerman explained how he had discovered America’s most wanted. ”Every time I popped out to the local market in Islamabad I’d Foursquare it on my iPhone. It got a bit of an obsession because I’d become mayor of several of the stalls and I was trying to get the lot. Anyway, there was one place that always came up as “Big Oz’s House” and I never really thought about what it was until one day I suddenly realised it’s was Bin Laden’s place. He was right under noses all the time and none of us clocked him.”</p> <p>With the help of Private Zimmerman’s iPhone US troops were able to monitor and track down Bin Laden, and the Foursquare app provided further intelligence thanks to helpful comments and tips left by Al Qaeda operatives who had visited the compound. Some of these pieces of information including “Use the side gate, the main one is really, really squeaky” and “Big Oz usually goes into the back office for a nap at 3pm so keep the noise down!” are credited with preventing any American soldiers from getting hurt.</p> <p>So far, there has been no word on whether Private Zimmerman will be decorated for his contribution but he has been allowed to visit the seized compound enough times to become mayor. Today the US military expressed relief that Bin Laden had been eliminated but warned that this wasn’t the end of the story. “We’ve got Bin Laden but remember, he has plenty of followers out there. We’re hoping to get to most of them next week via Twitter.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-57819 Thu, 17 Feb 2011 10:46:53 +0000 editor 57819@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is a strong satirical idea but needs a rewrite - any one fancy having a go? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54580 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 19:53:22 +0000 euanc 54580@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I believe Capt Mannering's banker's bonus may be in jeopardy if he were to participate. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54569 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 17:47:40 +0000 4ty2 54569@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>where's dad's army? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54561 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 16:08:30 +0000 euanc 54561@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In the theatre of war a surgical operation can cut out the cancer of insurgency. Only now you'll be able to choose, SAS, Securicor, or Neighbourhood Watch? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54553 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 14:57:25 +0000 4ty2 54553@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I thought this was about going privat. I could get the leak in my head fixed choosing a military operation. Perhaps we should do that in a seperate sub.5stars just for the confusing headline </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54538 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 13:36:32 +0000 euanc 54538@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The model for NHS reforms, under which consumers of the service will be given control of the budgets, is to be extended to the Ministry of Defence. From as early as 2013 countries in need of liberty, freedom and democracy will no longer have these changes delivered by an invading force. Instead they will be provided with the finance needed to purchase liberation services from whatever source provides the best value.<br /> “We believe that providing choice for the people actually consuming these services is the right way forward,” said a government spokesperson, “Throughout the Labour government we saw examples of waste, bureaucracy and inefficiency in the armed forces. A lack of control of costs, poor equipment and mistakes in deployment were all the result of a centralised, command and control approach. Change is needed and we believe that placing the decision in the hands of consumers and introducing a competitive element into the procurement of invasions is the right solution at the right time.”<br /> General Sir Huge Witting-Fernleystall said “ We have the finest soldiers in the world and are confident that we can compete to provide invasion services wherever that they are needed.”<br /> We understand that within 12 months a website will be set up enabling countries to apply on line for support. “The process will be quick simple and efficient. All of the bureaucrats in the Ministry of Defence will be replaced by a short questionnaire, just like applying for a loan. An offer will be made immediately and, if accepted, the applicant’s account will be credited with the agreed sum (up to a maximum of £30bn) within 3 days.”<br /> We understand that the applicant’s details will be passed to the Chief of Staff of the Armed Services who will make contact, initially by phone, to discuss their requirements. The applicant is expected to be free to seek competitive tenders from other providers and it is believed that organisations as far afield as Italy and Columbia may be interested in the new business opportunities.<br /> “This breaks new ground and shows the coalition’s determination to stop at nothing to modernise the provision of public services,” the spokesperson explained.<br /> It is understood that a new regulating authority (OFWAR) will be set up to monitor the use of the finance provided. Countries who, following the allocation of a grant, fail to achieve targets for liberation and democracy will be issued with a notice to improve and their Ambassadors in the UK will not be invited to Buckingham Palace garden parties until there has been a satisfactory follow up inspection.<br /> A man in a funny hat sitting on a rock in Afghanistan said “We very much welcome the UK Government’s innovative proposals and look forward to receiving the money. Just mind that trip wire as you are leaving” </p>