http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=apple The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 18 May 2013 14:48:22 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60074#post-174484 Sun, 21 Apr 2013 06:46:45 +0000 Titus 174484@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I suspect you may mean 'marionette' rather than 'martinet'. And haven't Waddington's already sewn up this niche market, with Colonel Mustard being killed wih the lead piping in the library? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60074#post-174480 Sun, 21 Apr 2013 01:39:42 +0000 Corrigan 174480@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Tech giant Apple have given a new meaning to the phrase “killer app” by announcing the release of the new ‘Murder App’ for the Iphone4. Unnatural death infliction has been an area hitherto dominated by the arms industry, but Apple chief executive Timothy Cook is confident that his company could add a fresh and exciting angle to the homicide experience.</p> <p>“Here at Apple our philosophy has always been that it is possible to bring innovation to even the most mundane of day to day activities,” explained Cook in a press conference this morning.</p> <p>“Currently if you want to kill someone there are limited options open to you. Shooting someone is by far the most common method used by Americans today. OK, it’s quick and easy and gets the job done, but it’s also stale and repetitive,” he said.</p> <p> “Here at Apple we’ve done what we do best and developed a product which makes something which has become quite grubby and unpleasant into something fresh and above all: hygienic.”</p> <p>The beaming CEO then demonstrated the app on an intern who appeared only too happy to give his life. After a couple of minutes delay following some small technical difficulties, Cook aimed his Iphone at the teenager in a TV remote style and fired- what Apple boffins have described as a ‘sonic pulse’- at his head. The coup de grace itself was as swift and clean as promised and the subject dropped like a martinet having its strings snipped.</p> <p>After the usual rapturous applause died down, Cook described planned future developments in the product range. “We hope to be in the killing spree market in time for Christmas. The ‘sonic pulse’ will become more of a ‘sonic blast,’ capable of liquidating anyone within a 100 metre radius of the device.</p> <p>“The intention then is to integrate into the social media universe. The app will be able to link-up with sites such as Facebook and Twitter and the phone of a friend or follower will do the killing for you,” he said.</p> <p>“In the interest of fairness, we will attach a ‘mutually assured destruction’ safeguard which will send a message to your target informing them they are about to be killed. This will give them the opportunity to retaliate if desired.”</p> <p>Cook closed his address by adding: “The utopia of peace and harmony that comes from private citizens with the ability to kill and be killed with convenience and style, and minus the brain splatter, will finally be realised in our, now probably short, lifetimes.” </p> <p>An Android version of the ‘Murder App’ which apparently utilises a liquid cyanide nebuliser is said to be currently stalled in research and development stage. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55695#post-160942 Sun, 03 Feb 2013 09:56:22 +0000 fink 160942@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hmm. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55695#post-160931 Sun, 03 Feb 2013 00:18:17 +0000 henrygreenwood 160931@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Since the launch of the Apple Ipad in April 2010, over 100 million units have been sold across the world, but it has been uncovered by the I.H.I (International Health Institute) that the 'incredible quality' of the Apple designed screen is causing eye problems in many teenagers and adults.</p> <p>Both schools and businesses have invested heavily into the Apple corporation's revolution in technology, buying a massive bulk of sales and hence a rise in the number of cases of what is being dubbed 'Apple-eye-tus'.</p> <p>It is thought to be caused by an overuse of the Apple tech when the brightness is high, leading to 'stress of the eyes' and many school pupil's pupils mutating into the shape of the famous apple of Apple.</p> <p>Dr Steven McEie had this to say “As a doctor I have been saying for years an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but this is just taking the pip. The main problem is the screen; it's just too good, too highly defined but I believe it is down to the green and red colours on the Apple product that are causing the retina damage'.</p> <p>One school in Brighton discovered that blocking the eye's from artificial light for a few days solves the problem. The school then took the decision to ring the local council in order to order some more eye-pads for pupils to use, but due to the common name with the tablet, more Ipads arrived at the school resulting in even more cases. The council then told the school that due to government cut backs, it could not afford to take them back quoted saying on the phone “I'm not quite sure what apple you're on about, but you could try making cider?” It then turned out that the member of staff from the council was in fact joking. Sadly this was too late for the employee who had already been shot in order to save the costs of sacking. </p> <p>Apple have declined to comment until the scientific reasoning behind the eye problems are discovered. The Christian community chose not to comment either, but one Islamist group in Saudi Arabia said the Ipads were “decadent, western, material goods” that were no use to them as “the battery life was Shi'ite”.</p> <p>Whatever happens with this particular epidemic, we can be sure that whether it's Blackberry, Orange or Apple, technology and fruit don't mix. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50541#post-145726 Thu, 25 Oct 2012 15:56:40 +0000 Connews 145726@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Embarrassed Apple executives have confessed that the only prototype of the iPad mini in existence has been misplaced, and can’t be found. Experts believe that because the tablet is the thinnest yet, it is no longer visible to the human eye – while the lack of a GPS feature means that Apple’s emergency prototype locator has been rendered unusable.</p> <p>This isn’t the first time that staff have lost touch with the iPad mini. In April, a similar incident resulted in a team of designers using Apple’s new Maps app to trace the prototype’s last movements, and the tablet wasn’t found for five months. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47942#post-137765 Tue, 11 Sep 2012 22:30:28 +0000 Fox100 137765@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following the technology giant Apple's recent high profile court case against rival competitors Samsung, it seems the courts need to be braced for more patent and copyright based battles involving the famous company – but this time they will be on the receiving end of the lawsuits.</p> <p>Mallory Grummit, a solicitor acting on behalf of the descendants of Alexander Graham-Bell, has announced the family's intention to sue Apple for their use of the word “phone”. The word appears in the name the company's smartphone, the iPhone. The iPhone is the leading handset in the smartphone market and its fifth itineration is due to be released soon.</p> <p>Ms. Grummit pointed out that “Mr. Graham-Bell was granted the patent on his 'telephone' invention in 1876 and therefore is holds copyright on the technology and name, as well as the colloqualism 'phone' which Apple seem to have co-opted for themselves”.</p> <p>While there has been no official announcement as yet from anyone at Apple, rumours abound that the company is giving serious consideration to changing the name to the more generic but less snappy iTelecommunicationsDevice to avoid a protracted and messy court battle that could delay the release of their latest handset.</p> <p>However the American super brand can be thankful that the devotion of its loyal fans remains undimmed despite potential legal troubles ahead. Many Apple loyalists have queried the legal challenge; stating that they are sure the telephone was invented by Steve Jobs in 2007, in much the same way that he invented the Internet in 1998 and music in 2001. It is unknown whether such assertions would form part of Apple's defence should the case reach a courtroom.</p> <p>In addition to the challenge over the use of the word “phone”, the company's legal team are also believed to be well aware of other potential legal problems lurking, pending the outcome of the case. A lawyer acting the firm Quick, Easee &amp; Buck stated that they are “seriously considering” lodging a case on behalf of ancient Greek mathematician Euclid over Apple's use of the geometric shapes rectangle and square in the designs for many of its products, including the iPhone, iPad and iPod as well as its line of iBook and iMac personal computers.</p> <p>In addition it's widely known that the estate of Thomas Edison was considering suing the company for its use of electricity in literally all of its products, but that was shelved due to the likelihood of a further legal challenge from lawyers representing the late Nikola Tesla.</p> <p>The only comment from the spokesperson at Apple rivals Samsung was to laugh hysterically and then mutter quietly about “karma”. Apple themselves declined to comment. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41231#post-117571 Fri, 06 Apr 2012 19:41:14 +0000 MrG123 117571@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In light of a recent scare concerning a virus effecting apple computers the government has released a statement urging the public to 'stock up Macs' incase the virus does hit.<br /> The statement that was released yesterday said 'people currently using apple computers should buy a spare computer or 2 and put them in a box in their garage just incase their computer is effected by the virus'.<br /> the statement has resulted in wide spread panic buying of Macs across the countries electrical stores with suppliers unable to keep up with the rising demand.<br /> police have had to temporarily close 3 apple stores, 2 branches of Currys and a branch of Dixons for safety reasons as queues have spread onto nearby roads as hundreds of worried Mac users queue to buy a spare.<br /> One worried mac user said "I just don't know what to do! i managed to get a macbook air from Dixons but when that dies i will be stuck! all the shops are running out and nobody seems to have any answers!"<br /> "all the shopping malls are rammed full of sweater waring tidy haired hipsters!" said one bystander "i didn't realise there was a panic on but seeing all these people buying Macs i decided to buy one while i still can"<br /> Labour has criticised the government for starting a panic over nothing, especially as the virus is said to mainly effect the US however one independent source has claimed to have seen labour leader Edd Miliband queuing for an iMac in the london apple store, although it has admitted 'there were a lot of nerds in there, he could have been any one of them."</p> <p>suggestions welcome! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40783#post-116176 Fri, 30 Mar 2012 16:19:49 +0000 Boutros 116176@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Is it too late to edit in some references to pasties, petrol and George Galloway? Doh, it seems it is. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40783#post-116036 Fri, 30 Mar 2012 08:57:38 +0000 Midfield Diamond 116036@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, very good, stars from me. </p> <p>Reminds me of an apparently true story from a few years ago in which Gamestation added an April Fools day clause in their on-line terms and conditions. It said that if you ordered something on the 1st April, Gamestation had the right to claim your immortal soul unless you specifically declined that clause. It has yet to submit its claim for the 7500 immortal souls it is now legally entitled to. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40783#post-116028 Fri, 30 Mar 2012 08:40:39 +0000 writinginbsl 116028@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>funny</p> <p>stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40783#post-116024 Fri, 30 Mar 2012 08:17:31 +0000 Boutros 116024@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>If you're going to hi-jack my sub with spam, retert, at least give it stars too. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40783#post-115911 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 20:32:24 +0000 Boutros 115911@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A man from Devon who claims to have read the iTunes agreement before clicking Accept has been referred for psychiatric tests. Mr Colin Bray, who says he was just a bit bored and quite curious to see what was in it, but had 'no idea what he was getting into', settled down to read the agreement after breakfast on Saturday morning, alone except for the company of his dog, Baltimore. The dog raised the alarm late Sunday night by howling and baying, and Mr Bray was discovered by alarmed neighbours upon their return from a shopping trip followed by a night out in Exeter. Bray was in a state of nervous exhaustion, having been trying to understand Ping for the best part of the afternoon. Surrounding Bray were a plethora of Apple products that he had apparently been experimenting with to see if he could figure out how to get music and videos from one device onto another and on which devices he was allowed to play them without breaking the terms of the agreement.</p> <p>Lawyers at Apple Inc are only allowed to work on a few lines of the agreement at once. "We never expected anyone to actually try and read any of it," said a spokesman. "It's very sad that Mr Bray attempted it. He's clearly not your typical Apple customer."</p> <p>Apple have apologised and promised that the 'Read Agreement' button will be greyed out in future updates. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39693#post-112606 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 12:35:13 +0000 weematt 112606@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Apple Corporation, makers of the iPad and iPod, have announced their intention to launch a new series of products with a new two letter prefix. An Apple spokesperson explained "Successful as 'i' has been, we feel it is time to move on. In marketing terms iFatigue or iStrain has set in so we will introduce a new product range at the back end of the year. The new range will be prefixed 'rs', pronounced like ARS. e.g rsPad. It is felt that this move will breathe new life into the now tiring stream of pseudo iProducts appearing on sites like <a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/">NewsBiscuit</a>."<br /> The new product range is rumoured to include a new coin operated gaming machine, the rsBandit, and an automatic postage stamping fixing device the rsLicker. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39290#post-111499 Wed, 29 Feb 2012 11:25:53 +0000 Babydaddy 111499@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a shock move, the two biggest sellers in the mobile smartphone market have got together to create what is thought to be the most daring advancement in communications since the invention of semaphor. The all new Apple(tm) and Blackberry(tm) "Crumble" features brand new technology allowing users to communicate using all five senses! The new device uses the state-of-the-art "Cynnamon" operating system as well as the interactive Sili voice recognition system </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33207#post-94425 Thu, 03 Nov 2011 23:04:57 +0000 rikkor 94425@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Pretty funny. If only he had known about homeopathy, he could have lived 5 more seconds. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33207#post-94406 Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:05:49 +0000 JBM222 94406@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>.... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32698#post-93074 Thu, 27 Oct 2011 16:46:35 +0000 dicky37 93074@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>And they wouldn't sell me any "i" to update my pad with either. Bastards. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32698#post-93058 Thu, 27 Oct 2011 15:28:26 +0000 apepper 93058@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Apple shop customer, Piers Fishandhunt, has caused a row in an Apple store by trying to update his non-touch phone to the latest iPhone simply by buying some "touch".</p> <p>"They kept saying I was out of touch.", explained an irate Mr Fishandhunt, "But that was my problem. If I had some touch, I wouldn't need to buy any." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32647#post-92944 Thu, 27 Oct 2011 07:35:11 +0000 Golgo13 92944@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well written, but "iStuff" is fairly well-trodden territory (round here at least) and it's hard to come up with a new angle. People keep trying, mind. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32647#post-92913 Wed, 26 Oct 2011 22:59:49 +0000 DorsetBoy 92913@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Defying market rumours that Apple would lose its creativity without Steve Jobs at the helm, CEO Tim Cook today launched two new, revolutionary apps named iTalk and iListen.</p> <p>Based on a combination of audio and wireless technologies, iTalk and iListen will let users speak directly with each other while continuing to listen to music or watch video clips. “I believe these new apps have the potential to completely transform all modes of human interaction”, said Mr Cook. “All users need to do is simply download the apps from iTunes for a small annual charge of $500 per device, tap the icon and start speaking. It will be as if you are sitting next to the person you are sitting next to.”</p> <p>An Apple Product Manager cited a number of practical scenarios. Families will be able to keep in touch during long car journeys by pointing out items of interest or enquiring as whether the final destination has been reached yet. By enabling the in-built camera, families can play a new interactive game called “iSpy” , for which Apple now holds a globally-enforceable patent. Failure to have a valid end-user licence before playing iSpy, with or without an Apple product, may result in heavy fines and/or imprisonment.</p> <p>iTalk and iListen will let friends discuss what they are doing while they are actually doing it, or even discuss menus items while in restaurants. Public transport could become much politer as passengers will now be able to say “Excuse me” while trying to leave crowded trains or buses.</p> <p>A Social Media commentator said, “OMG ! Our parents will not believe what our generation will be able to achieve, without even having to remove our ear buds. It’s like, totally.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32562#post-92851 Wed, 26 Oct 2011 15:27:52 +0000 nickb 92851@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Still confused about the humous connection. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32562#post-92625 Tue, 25 Oct 2011 18:09:47 +0000 nickb 92625@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sure, yes, but where exactly does the humous fit in? Use the app, then eat the humous? Or post-humous meaning humous first, then app? And is there a taramousalata option? Do tell. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32562#post-92605 Tue, 25 Oct 2011 17:24:28 +0000 Packman 92605@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>iPhone users are eagerly awaiting Apple's latest app named "Post-Humous", inspired by and in memory of the late Steve Jobs.</p> <p>The App will enable deceased Facebook users to continue posting status updates from "beyond the grave". Upon death, a small headstone will appear appear in your friends' news feed with an update of your unfortunate passing away. Your friends will then be able to leave their condolences as comments and confirm their attendance at your funeral.</p> <p>Buzz surrounding the app has been so much so that Apple technicians are already working on an update which will allow users to create an online will in which users can "tag" beneficiaries. Twitter are also expected to begin working on an App to be launched at the beginning of next year.</p> <p>At the App's launch party Rachel Weishandle, Matketing Director at Apple, told us [/quote]Our research has found that not being able to continue their Facebook status updates is a primary concern of 87% of those close to death. At Apple we are proud to be able to support those in their final moments in anyway we can. With this App, those close to death can be assured that their memory, and Facebook profile, will live on[quote]</p> <p>Markets have responded positively to Apple's venture into the "terminally ill and deceased market", a sector that, until recently, has not felt the effects of the Web 2.0 revolution.</p> <p>Packman </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31579#post-89321 Thu, 06 Oct 2011 11:57:16 +0000 delightfullyodd 89321@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following the tragic news that former CEO of Apple, Steve Jobs, died from pancreatic cancer, British Prime Minister David Cameron, moved to condemn the influx of terrible jokes and sick puns concerning the tragic news.</p> <p>"The amount of sick jokes I have received via text since the sad news of Steve Jobs dying has astounded me. This was a man with a family and friends who cared deeply for him. The world couldn't sync any lower." Said Cameron giggling.</p> <p>Cameron also announced that he would not be attending Jobs funeral as he had been told there would be no bars, no service and no reception. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31485#post-89060 Wed, 05 Oct 2011 10:00:31 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 89060@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good one, works just as a ticker. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31485#post-89054 Wed, 05 Oct 2011 09:37:18 +0000 apepper 89054@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The world was stunned yesterday when a new, slightly improved, iPhone was released.</p> <p>A user explained, "I don't take any photographs, but having a better camera swings the deal for me - I'm buying two. Although with every company in the world going bust apart from Apple, that might be a bit of a problem." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31275#post-88396 Fri, 30 Sep 2011 22:37:11 +0000 Screenie 88396@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I had a ZX81. It caught fire. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31275#post-88190 Fri, 30 Sep 2011 07:22:54 +0000 Pillhouse 88190@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a shock move that has stunned technology markets, Apple has turned its back on the tablet market to launch an entirely new device – the Fedex 81. It will be a collaboration between Apple and couriers Fedex and is the first time Apple has worked with another company in such a way.</p> <p>With his first decision as CEO, Tom Cook has swept aside the legacy built up by his predecessor and turned his back on the long established product line. “It will clean up,” says Cook “we’ve spent the past few years repackaging the same stuff, giving it i-prefixed names and just jacking up the price”</p> <p>With a revolutionary new company core value called Looking Backwards To Move Forwards (LBTMF), Apple developers have been scouring junk shops and yard sales for inspiration. A few months ago, they discovered a mint condition Sinclair ZX81. “It was a watershed moment,” says cook “we all looked at each other because we knew it was a Eureka discovery”</p> <p>However, Cook is at pains to point out that the new Fedex 81 “definitely doesn’t resemble” Sir Clive Sinclair’s ZX 81 in anyway. “Nope, no siree, it’s not like that at all. And it definitely does not infringe any patents” said a noticeably nervous Cook. “His machine was black with rubber keys, ours will be white with an Apple logo and latex keys”</p> <p>The technology behind the new device is a noticeable departure for the company. “Previously, we’ve concentrated on touch screens, facetime and instant communication. We feel it’s much more satisfying for our customers if they have to wait for stuff. It gives them a sense of achievement”. Cook illustrates this with an example of their new messaging service. “You type your message on to the computer, then print it out. You contact Fedex, who will send a courier to collect the print out and then ship it to the addressee. We expect most responses to be back in a week”</p> <p>Cook denies they are taking advantage of their customers’ unswerving loyalty to brand Apple. “We’ve just missed opportunities in the past. For instance, we’ve been selling them devices with built in screens and we’ve lost out on that revenue. The Fedex81 has no screen will require the i-Mon, a unique 32 inch monitor. We will get double the revenue”</p> <p>However, an unnamed source at Apple has released audio recordings (made on a Samsung) from a briefing Cook gave on his first day. He is heard to say “....I know that our customers will buy any old rubbish with a picture of an apple, and I’m going to prove it.”</p> <p>When contacted for his comments, Cook would only say “Bloody Samsung!” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31012#post-87410 Mon, 26 Sep 2011 14:58:15 +0000 apepper 87410@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a largely expected move, Apple is suing itself for "slavishly copying" not only it's range of tablets and phones but also it's "coolness".</p> <p>"It's obvious", said an Apple spokesman. "We produce a shiny glass box and the next thing we find on their website is an identical box. The last straw is their copy of the magical iPad; imagine the disappointment of a customer getting home to use their iPad only to find it's a copy - how would they cope with doing whatever they're used for on an identical machine."</p> <p>In a related story, Apple's lawyers have recently purchased Canada as "somewhere nice for weekends." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29685#post-83289 Thu, 25 Aug 2011 13:26:07 +0000 somethingsomethingnation 83289@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Steve Jobs stepped down as Apple CEO to work on a secret project that insiders have dubbed the “iWake”.</p> <p>The groundbreaking product is rumoured to be an alarm clock with built-in radio and kettle, and possibly some resting space for biscuits.</p> <p>Jobs is said to be “driven by this project more than any since the first Mac,” said an insider. “Steve’s conquered the world of technology, now he believes he can harness the elements, too, by introducing heat to water to create a boiling effect. That’s the breed of genius we’re talking about.”</p> <p>We have been shown video footage of Jobs telling an Apple sales meeting last week: “Wouldn't it be awesome if when people had finished their coffee they could just unplug the kettle and take it to work with them? And if batteries are installed, that they could hold it up to their ears and listen to the radio? And that if they took a cup and some milk, they could have coffee on the go, too?”</p> <p>Apple’s share price dipped 7 per cent on news of Jobs’ departure before rising 12 per cent on news of the iWake. Jobs is said to be working harder than ever in a bid to develop long-cherished projects before his health deteriorates further.</p> <p>In the pipeline are said to be the iSpice (a spice rack with built-in MP3 player), iSlippers (slippers with built-in phone) and the iJuice, a juicer with video-conferencing functionality. </p>