http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=america The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 23 May 2013 18:03:34 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53688#post-154915 Sat, 22 Dec 2012 11:23:10 +0000 DustyBinLaden 154915@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Written in anger. Any suggestions welcome. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53688#post-154910 Sat, 22 Dec 2012 11:03:35 +0000 AReader 154910@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent. Satire at its finest. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53688#post-154907 Sat, 22 Dec 2012 10:28:58 +0000 DustyBinLaden 154907@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The National Rifle Association has broken its silence over the Sandy Hook school shootings, stating that the problem lies with people mistakenly believing that schools are for the peaceful education of innocents, and not to teach them the way of the gun.</p> <p>‘We failed our children the day we chose names like Leonardo da Vinci Elementary as opposed to “Mrs Pinder’s Last Stand” Fire Support Base for the Non Mentally Ill,’ said NRA president Wayne LaPierre. ‘The general term would be Community Green Zones.’</p> <p>‘Five year olds have a worryingly relaxed attitude to personal defence,’ continued LaPierre. ‘We would replace liberal shit like story time and learning to share with ‘fear your neighbour’ classes and gun care. There’s only one thing they need to learn. Get him before he gets you.’ </p> <p>The NRA has also suggested that dinner ladies are an untapped source of frontline shock and awe. ‘They’d all pack heat, fuck yeah,’ said LaPierre. </p> <p>‘The really fat ones would be like an end of level boss in a computer game, seriously not to be fucked with. The kids wouldn’t be able to hold their hands anymore, because we’ll have proximity mined them, but shit, they just gotta understand that that’s not what adults are all about.’</p> <p>The proposals would be implemented alongside the NRA’s other strand of child protection: a database of people with mental health issues.</p> <p>‘Once we knew who they were, it’d be pretty much shoot on sight,’ confirmed LaPierre. ‘The first time I took out a mental with my Cheytac .408 calibre sniper rifle, it felt pretty good. I masturbated over that particular piece of hardware while the barrel was still hot.</p> <p>‘Turned out he’d been a regular guy up until the time his daughter had been killed in a “stranger danger” shopping mall massacre. He was on his way to her school, clearly in a hurry, when I picked him off with a clean headshot from my battlement window. Like most of my opinions, I didn't give it a second thought.’</p> <p>The NRA has played down reports that the man in question was on his way to collect his surviving daughter and was simply ‘running a bit late’. </p> <p>‘We don’t know that for sure,’ said LaPierre, ‘but if it’s true then let’s face it, you can’t create a proper pseudo-military society without a little blue on blue. It would be un-American.</p> <p>‘God bless my gun collection.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147285 Mon, 05 Nov 2012 11:13:43 +0000 AReader 147285@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Spelling Checker:</p> <p><blockquote> in favour of <strong>legslising</strong> gay marriage</blockquote></p> <p><blockquote>faltering support during <strong>thd dowturn</strong></blockquote> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147275 Mon, 05 Nov 2012 09:50:13 +0000 Username 147275@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Looks good on FP, and made Mrs Name wheeze with laughter... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147257 Mon, 05 Nov 2012 07:44:09 +0000 charlies_hat 147257@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep. Wot they said. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147254 Mon, 05 Nov 2012 07:27:42 +0000 Squudge 147254@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>a worthy FP<br /> ..love the pic with the 'yes you can/no you can't'<br /> - fabulous </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147099 Sat, 03 Nov 2012 21:39:45 +0000 Username 147099@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice. Very nice.</p> <p>Might put "whether or not thinking about two men doing it to each other makes them go all funny inside." in the first para, and "the crucial question or whether or not the right of people with the same number of penises or vaginas as each other to make their relationship official is any of their fucking business. " in a later one. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147068 Sat, 03 Nov 2012 16:35:58 +0000 Danny 147068@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love the comment "None of his three ex-wives could be reached for comment." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-147013 Sat, 03 Nov 2012 11:00:05 +0000 Dick Everyman 147013@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent research, although I believe Jesus is more likely turn up in Slough or Scunthorpe. Stars of Bethlehem for you.... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-146960 Fri, 02 Nov 2012 21:50:47 +0000 Ironduke 146960@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>great work, just hoping that Pinxit can resist the temptation </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51042#post-146935 Fri, 02 Nov 2012 16:40:22 +0000 Oxbridge 146935@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As the US presidential election campaign enters its last days, pollsters say the result is still on a knife-edge. Whilst flag worship remains an issue for some, the electorate is split almost evenly over the crucial question or whether or not the right of people with the same number of penises or vaginas as each other to make their relationship official is any of their fucking business. </p> <p>'President Obama's decision to come out in favour of legslising gay marriage was a pivotal moment,' said political analyst Frank Luntz. 'This appears to have solidified his lead among the 60% of Americans who aren't mad. However, it has probably further alienated more of the 40% who believe that tax-funded healthcare is worse than slavery and that Elvis visited them on a UFO last week.'</p> <p>In view of the record federal deficit, high unemployment and with many of America's 300 million people barely getting by from one month to the next, both sides say that the economy is the key issue. However, there has been a tacit agreement to decide the leadership of the world's most powerful country based on whether or not thinking about two men doing it to each other makes them go all funny inside.</p> <p>Republicans have condemned Obama's move as a cynical stunt to shore up faltering support during thd dowturn, since the legalisation of same sex marriage is a state rather than a federal issue. Former Republcan candidate Newt Gingrich commented that conservatives like him regard marriage as the unbreakable union of one man and one woman. None of his three ex-wives could be reached for comment.</p> <p>'Same sex marriage is unacceptable to Christian Americans, the idea is crazy,' added Mormon Republican candidate Mitt Romney, who believes in a sacred book compiled on golden plates by ancient prophets who lived in America from 2200 BC to 421 AD, then handed to a confidence trickster called Joseph Smith in 1827 and which not only says that Jesus is going to return to Earth in Missouri but also justified Romney's great-grandfather having four wives at the same time. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36965#post-103721 Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:18:31 +0000 hannsmit 103721@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There’s been a change to U.S. politics. This year, rather than debating, all of the Republican candidates will be battling one another in hand-to-hand combat in order to see who will get to run against President Obama.<br /> Candidate Rick Perry led this charge for change.<br /> “What we need is a strong candidate,” said Perry at a recent press conferences. “Someone who can really rip the throat out of other countries out there. America needs a strong leader—someone who’s not afraid to get his hands dirty. It’s time we stop talking and sort this out like men.”<br /> Here Perry looked into a news camera and said, “Bachmann, I’m looking at you.”<br /> Bachmann, who was recently in the Midwest for the Iowa Caucus, told a local news organization there that Perry can “bring it.”<br /> Obama has already reserved ringside tickets for him and his family.<br /> “I want to see what I’m up against,” President Obama said. “It’s already difficult to win the trust and confidence of voters in the present climate of the country. The least I can do is show them I can take out the competition with my mean right hook.”<br /> Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will also be attending the matches, the first of which will feature Bachmann against Perry. Clinton said she’s already placed money on Bachman, who has been seen recently frequenting L.A. Fitness and drinking vast amounts of muscle milk.<br /> “She might be small, but she’s scrappy,” Clinton said. “She’s got just enough crazy in her. She shouldn’t be underestimated.”<br /> The match will take in New Hampshire in place of the caucus, and tickets are already being sold along with memorabilia. T-shirts are available sporting such logos as “Pulverize Perry” or “Beat it out of Bachman.”<br /> The change in politics is also attracting international attention, with foreign ministers flying in from around the globe to watch the fight, including German chancellor Angela Merkel and North Korea’s new leader, Kim Jong-un.<br /> Lizzy Thompson, a New Hampshire citizen, will be attending the match. When interviewed, she was wearing a shirt that read, “Republican Rage: first annual republican caucus cage-match.” Once she heard there would be a fight in her home state, she said she knew she had to get tickets.<br /> “This is the most exciting thing to happen to U.S. politics in a long time,” she said. “Finally we’ll be able to see clearly who the strongest candidate is, instead of just talking about it. It’s good to finally see some action.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14476#post-39191 Fri, 22 Oct 2010 15:31:25 +0000 Sinnick 39191@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Just as well he wasn't in charge of anything important, then.<br /> The BBC don't seem to have found this yet:</p> <p><a href="http://www.herald.ie/world-news/damn-and-blastclinton-lost-nuclear-missile-codes-2390844.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.herald.ie/world-news/damn-and-blastclinton-lost-nuclear-missile-codes-2390844.html</a></p> <p>Perhaps his "biscuit" was in the missing trousers ? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14476#post-39189 Fri, 22 Oct 2010 15:27:50 +0000 dogwheels 39189@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The general also tells of an occasion where the president forgot to put his trousers - or pants to our American cousins - on.<br /> "We were having a meeting in the Oval office”, recalled the general "and when we came in, he must have been surprised to see us as he yelled out ‘bloody hell!’ .<br /> “I think he must have been having a nap, as he had been leaning back in his chair with his eyes closed.<br /> “His face was all red – clearly blushing over forgetting to put on his pants.<br /> “He stayed sitting at his desk for the whole meeting and kept saying 'Oh God' throughout, obviously in disbelief that he'd forgotten to wear pants." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14476#post-39178 Fri, 22 Oct 2010 15:08:15 +0000 dogwheels 39178@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Said the president to the intern </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14476#post-39171 Fri, 22 Oct 2010 14:55:37 +0000 bonjonelson 39171@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great one. Here, have a cigar </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14476#post-39169 Fri, 22 Oct 2010 14:50:53 +0000 dogwheels 39169@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In the latest revelations from the memoirs of retired US Gen. Hugh Shelton, it is claimed that former President Bill Clinton frequently forgot who his wife was.</p> <p>The general claims that staff often discovered the notoriously forgetful president with a string of other women who he thought were then First Lady Hilary Clinton.</p> <p>The general said: "This one time we all walked into his office and he was totally snogging the face off this young female intern.</p> <p>"We asked him what the deal was and only when he starting giving us grief for disturbing a quiet moment between him and the first lady that the mistake was pointed out to him.</p> <p>"He was so embarrassed that he'd forgotten what his wife looked like.</p> <p>"We were all rolling around on the floor in fits of laughter - I mean, what sort of dooffuss makes that kind of mistake?</p> <p>“We didn’t let that one go in a hurry!” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14255#post-38547 Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:29:10 +0000 dogwheels 38547@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Evil demon-lord Sauron has failed in his bid to lead the American political movement known as the Tea Party after activists branded his agenda too liberal.</p> <p>He has even been dubbed 'Red Sauron', with party members apparently rejecting his promise to unite the entire earth under his tyrannical and murderous rule as being too much of a "soft approach" to solving the deficit and defeating terrorism.</p> <p>A party insider said: "Lord Suaron knew he needed Sarah Palin's support to win the leadership, otherwise he'd only ever be a small fish in the party."</p> <p>Sauron made an eleventh-hour attempt to win Palin's support late last night in a meeting held behind closed doors.</p> <p>But he emerged only minutes later in tears, stopping to tell reporters that Palin was "one mean b**ch."</p> <p>A source close to the Dark Lord has been quoted as saying that he has decided to retire from front-line politics, claiming he didn't have enough evil in his little finger to compete. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-19020 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 16:13:36 +0000 sauce 19020@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have some stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-18996 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:34:35 +0000 Oxbridge 18996@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Edits made, ta muchly. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-18991 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:21:23 +0000 andhrimnir 18991@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Gathargadrax prefer our galaxy because it's tidy. There's is Messier.</p> <p>ba dum tsch! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-18987 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:15:00 +0000 Basil_B 18987@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There were rumours that another group of aliens from the sister planet Shagadraxortwo had been inbreeding with people from Norfolk for centuries. Whether you could call it successful or not is debatable but looking at some of the specimens walking around places like Norwich you would have to lean towards the not. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-18982 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:04:22 +0000 CaptainBlack 18982@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sorry to nit-pick, but the Andromeda galaxy (M31) is about 2.5 Mly away<br /> (actually I'm not sorry at all I love nit-picking, it's just the sort of guy I am).</p> <p>CB </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-18980 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 12:33:14 +0000 Scroat 18980@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice punchline too. Oi larfed. ***** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-18971 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 11:22:55 +0000 Oxbridge 18971@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Aliens from the planet Gthargadrax in the Andromeda galaxy 2.5 million light years from Earth have admitted defeat in their attempts to interact with and breed from human beings. The news came after a failed programme of Earth landings and attempts to give Galatea, a leggy blonde alien with lime-green skin, mind-blowingly good sex with a series of lonely middle-aged American men.</p> <p>'We came in peace,' said programme manager Xeropos, 524, 'but lets face it, we failed. If we can't get Galatea pregnant by beaming up every semi-evolved misfit in Nebraska to have the old conjugals with her over the course of 30 years, it obviously isn't meant to be. I don't think we even convinced most of you that we were ever even there.'</p> <p>Between 1955 and 1985, a series of Gthargadraxian craft arrived on Earth after multi-million year voyages, having breeding through an average of 77,800 generations en route to produce the hottest females in the galaxy. Once they had landed, usually at night in deserted woodlands in the quietest backwaters of the US, an archetypal lone human male was selected for cross-breeding.</p> <p>After this part of the programme was abandoned in 1985, the Gthargadraxians shifted the emphasis by landing in a narrowly defined and more heavily populated area of central Scotland in a bid to earn more recognition. However, this was an even more embarrassing flop.</p> <p>'Communication was never a problem in the mid-West, as US English is the language of the Universe and we have gigantic brains that are meant to capable of translating every nuance of every form of communication,' said Xeropos. 'But in Falkirk we still couldn't understand a bloody word they were saying.'</p> <p>The Gthargadraxian fleet is now mustering around Saturn to prepare for the long journey home, which they hope their 77,798 greats grandchildren might complete before the two stars around their planet implode. Xeropos admits to some regrets.</p> <p>'With hindsight, some might say that landing in the middle of nowhere in America, going up to the first alcoholic inbred we met and asking him to take us to his leader wasn't the best way of going about things,' he said. 'But to be fair, until recently going straight to the top would have amounted to much the same thing.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1293&page=2#post-4176 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 23:43:57 +0000 Quaz 4176@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Murdoch was Australian but became a US citizen in 1985 in order to own tv channels there, hence my comment that the US can keep him. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1293&page=2#post-3889 Wed, 24 Mar 2010 17:59:46 +0000 MrChigleysAunt 3889@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Serious question. Why aren't all the subsidies that American farmers receive considered 'socialism'? I'm making a wild guess here, but I suspect your average American farmer is against, rather than for Obamacare, and yet is happy to receive taxpayers' money. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1293&page=2#post-3867 Wed, 24 Mar 2010 16:31:40 +0000 The All New Jeni B 3867@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Australian. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1293&page=2#post-3840 Wed, 24 Mar 2010 15:18:39 +0000 rikkor 3840@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Blah, blah, blah, blah. Keep your NHS, just don't help foist it on us. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that Rupert Murdoch is a Canadian or some such thing. Explains a lot. </p>