http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=aliens The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 10:05:12 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144720 Sat, 20 Oct 2012 06:59:29 +0000 Username 144720@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>nice work </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144560 Fri, 19 Oct 2012 11:58:51 +0000 Sinnick 144560@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good work, fine FP. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144555 Fri, 19 Oct 2012 11:40:51 +0000 Anonymous 144555@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Many thanks for a very nice read </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144544 Fri, 19 Oct 2012 10:35:00 +0000 Midfield Diamond 144544@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah, great FP. I felt the need to add that, just in case anyone thought my taste in music was in any way suspect. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144532 Fri, 19 Oct 2012 10:18:33 +0000 DustyBinLaden 144532@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks all. Much appreciated. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144485 Fri, 19 Oct 2012 08:19:27 +0000 Dick Everyman 144485@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A turbo boostingly brilliant FP! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144407 Thu, 18 Oct 2012 18:38:07 +0000 dvo4fun 144407@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Most of the musical ref's pass me by but lovely idea </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144234 Wed, 17 Oct 2012 21:43:53 +0000 Yikes 144234@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like this.</p> <p>An "easy reading" story in the best sense of the word .. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144232 Wed, 17 Oct 2012 21:42:08 +0000 charlies_hat 144232@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The headline alone made me laugh. Top work.... Again. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144228 Wed, 17 Oct 2012 21:04:43 +0000 Perks 144228@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep, what they said. Lovely </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144227 Wed, 17 Oct 2012 21:03:23 +0000 waylandsmithy 144227@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Superb, cracking ending too! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144223 Wed, 17 Oct 2012 20:59:17 +0000 button 144223@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Marvellous </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50008#post-144220 Wed, 17 Oct 2012 20:46:40 +0000 DustyBinLaden 144220@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Aliens have confirmed that they’ve never landed on Earth because they can’t stomach easy listening music. ‘We buzzed a Lighthouse Family concert in Tunbridge Wells and thought “Has it really come to this?”’ said a spokesextraterrestrial.</p> <p>The subspace message was received on an 8-track recorder at the Department of Earth Science at the Open University in Milton Keynes. The message began, ‘Hello? Testing 1-2-3. Is this microphone on?’ The alien voice went on to introduce itself as something unpronounceable, but then settled for Terry.</p> <p>‘In 1977 I was fiddling with my on-ship radio when I heard “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft” coming through the speakers, sung by a brother and sister duo called The Carpenters. I thought “ooh, that’s not good” but decided I’d check it out.</p> <p>‘It took me thirty or so of your Earth years to get there, and suddenly I found myself vectoring into a Dido concert. It was like falling asleep in a poppy field. I just about managed to come to my senses, fire up the reverse thrusters and get out in time.</p> <p>‘The next time I visited, I re-entered your low orbit bang over a Cranberries concert, with special guests The Doobie Brothers. The indeterminate low hum was bringing me inescapably down. I burned out three clutches trying to reach escape velocity.’</p> <p>Scientist Professor Colin Pillinger, formerly of the British Beagle 2 team, has suggested that certain music that can’t be fully enjoyed by any self-respecting music fan may in fact contain frequencies that act as a sort of tractor beam for alien navigation systems. ‘It’s like that five-note hailing signal in <em>Close Encounters of the Third Kind,</em> but far more powerful when sung by Chris de Burgh,’ said Professor Pillinger. </p> <p>‘As soon as I’ve built an intergalactic death ray, I’m taking out the Magic FM building in London as a sign of peace between our races,’ declared Terry. ‘It’s what a real friend would do.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=12413#post-33949 Fri, 17 Sep 2010 08:09:41 +0000 Gary Stanton 33949@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Scientists working in the field of exobiology believe that alien life forms would have evolved along similar lines to human beings and share basic anatomical features, including a digestive tract and nice broad shoulders, while retaining traditional attributes such as massive pointy heads, glowing eyes and big fuck off tentacles.</p> <p>And one unfortunate consequence of having an alimentary canal, scientists say, is the host of attendant complaints such as piles, irritable bowel syndrome and farting loudly in assembly during some form of pious lecture delivered by a late middle-aged man with too much facial hair. </p> <p>Those who are scanning the heavens for some kind of communication from the beyond believe that the first signals from a distant civilisation will contain coded information, and possible cures, for a range of intestinal complaints such as IBS, lactose intolerance and veganism.</p> <p>Squinty-eyed TV astronomer Patrick Moore said: ‘ You could have a situation where these alien beings are exploiting wormholes and other exotic-sounding rips in the space-time continuum in a frantic search to find a weird and funky place to take a shit.’ </p> <p>‘If you look at the behaviour of these so-called UFOs , they tend to hover for a while in the sky before shooting off at terrific speed. If that’s not suggestive of someone desperately needing the khazi, or an extremely inept cameraman, then I’m not a morbidly obese peeping tom with a range of ill-fitting suits’ </p> <p>Moore’s thinks the aliens may be abducting people for IBS-based research and his theories have gained credence following a survey of the five hundred thousand Americans abducted this year to-date , many of whom reported some form of anal probe which, according to some, ‘felt real nice’ and ‘wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be once you get used to it’ . Although some within the scientific community doubt whether the intentions of the extraterrestrials are purely scientific, after one victim claimed the probe was nothing more than a crude piece of string with plastic beads attached, the investigation being carried out to a backdrop of cheesy wah-wah guitar and filmed on ‘some sort of mad futuristic space camera’ in high definition. </p> <p>Last night, however, Astronomer Royal Sir Martin Rees backed up Moore’s view, insisting:</p> <p>‘We believe the aliens are focussing their attention on human jacksies in an effort to understand our own biology and develop an effective solution to this chronic and debilitating condition which no doubt blights civilizations throughout the galaxy’ </p> <p>‘Probably a mixture of Rennie, KY Jelly and Immodium. ‘ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-19020 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 16:13:36 +0000 sauce 19020@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have some stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-18996 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:34:35 +0000 Oxbridge 18996@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Edits made, ta muchly. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-18991 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:21:23 +0000 andhrimnir 18991@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Gathargadrax prefer our galaxy because it's tidy. There's is Messier.</p> <p>ba dum tsch! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-18987 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:15:00 +0000 Basil_B 18987@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There were rumours that another group of aliens from the sister planet Shagadraxortwo had been inbreeding with people from Norfolk for centuries. Whether you could call it successful or not is debatable but looking at some of the specimens walking around places like Norwich you would have to lean towards the not. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-18982 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:04:22 +0000 CaptainBlack 18982@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sorry to nit-pick, but the Andromeda galaxy (M31) is about 2.5 Mly away<br /> (actually I'm not sorry at all I love nit-picking, it's just the sort of guy I am).</p> <p>CB </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-18980 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 12:33:14 +0000 Scroat 18980@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice punchline too. Oi larfed. ***** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7074#post-18971 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 11:22:55 +0000 Oxbridge 18971@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Aliens from the planet Gthargadrax in the Andromeda galaxy 2.5 million light years from Earth have admitted defeat in their attempts to interact with and breed from human beings. The news came after a failed programme of Earth landings and attempts to give Galatea, a leggy blonde alien with lime-green skin, mind-blowingly good sex with a series of lonely middle-aged American men.</p> <p>'We came in peace,' said programme manager Xeropos, 524, 'but lets face it, we failed. If we can't get Galatea pregnant by beaming up every semi-evolved misfit in Nebraska to have the old conjugals with her over the course of 30 years, it obviously isn't meant to be. I don't think we even convinced most of you that we were ever even there.'</p> <p>Between 1955 and 1985, a series of Gthargadraxian craft arrived on Earth after multi-million year voyages, having breeding through an average of 77,800 generations en route to produce the hottest females in the galaxy. Once they had landed, usually at night in deserted woodlands in the quietest backwaters of the US, an archetypal lone human male was selected for cross-breeding.</p> <p>After this part of the programme was abandoned in 1985, the Gthargadraxians shifted the emphasis by landing in a narrowly defined and more heavily populated area of central Scotland in a bid to earn more recognition. However, this was an even more embarrassing flop.</p> <p>'Communication was never a problem in the mid-West, as US English is the language of the Universe and we have gigantic brains that are meant to capable of translating every nuance of every form of communication,' said Xeropos. 'But in Falkirk we still couldn't understand a bloody word they were saying.'</p> <p>The Gthargadraxian fleet is now mustering around Saturn to prepare for the long journey home, which they hope their 77,798 greats grandchildren might complete before the two stars around their planet implode. Xeropos admits to some regrets.</p> <p>'With hindsight, some might say that landing in the middle of nowhere in America, going up to the first alcoholic inbred we met and asking him to take us to his leader wasn't the best way of going about things,' he said. 'But to be fair, until recently going straight to the top would have amounted to much the same thing.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7000#post-18927 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 08:25:38 +0000 Oxbridge 18927@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's the silence that kills you in the end... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7000#post-18740 Wed, 23 Jun 2010 10:42:54 +0000 Oxbridge 18740@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Scholars at market-tracking software firm eMarket Systems in Basingstoke have been engaged in a rancorous debate about the repeated absences of junior sales executive Jason Bradshaw. Several are planning to rock conventional views of the world of software telesales by publishing their findings.</p> <p>Bradshaw, variously described by colleagues as ‘not bad when he actually condescends to turn up and lift the phone’ and ‘a waste of space who looks like Shrek’, has been away from work for 63 of the 204 work days since joining the firm last August, usually blaming migraines, transport problems and grandparents' funerals. However, accounts director Nigel Clark, who first spotted Bradshaw’s propensity to returning with a growth of beard, believes there may be more sinister causes. </p> <p>‘I have plotted his days off on a graph and found that they are 24% more likely to occur one week either side of the full moon than at any other time,’ said Clark, author of the forthcoming 'Secrets of the Wolf People'. ‘Whether this means he is involved in a sinister cult that worships the Greek moon goddess Artemis or simply that his migraines are caused by the tides I have yet to establish.’</p> <p>However marketing executive Daisy Phillips denies any extra-terrestrial cause. Bradshaw’s chair on the third carousel from reception, she notes, is situated directly where ley lines from four ancient Druidic sites cross. This can often be associated with fluctuations in the Earth’s magnetic field.</p> <p>‘It could be that the chair itself is jinxed and that’s why the previous occupant, sales manager David Peters, didn’t last,’ claims Phillips, in her new book 'Fingerprints of the Druids'. ‘I never bought into the idea he was sacked for shagging my predecessor. That’s just what they want us to think.’</p> <p>Other theories involve Bradshaw being in an al-Qaeda sleeper cell and a Masonic plot to destabilise eMarket Systems. However, company director Michael Jones is less interested in Bradshaw’s comings and goings than the underlying truths they reveal.</p> <p>‘My research, which is currently in proof at Sidgwick &amp; Jackson, shockingly concludes that monthly sales on his patch have not varied in a statistically significant way for over four years, no matter who is meant to be selling there. Why is that, eh?’ Jones demanded.</p> <p>‘That’s no mystery at all,’ countered Phillips. ‘Our products are adequate, so they sell themselves. And if they were much different to six or seven other equally adequate products in the same field, we wouldn’t need a marketing department, would we? Durr.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2589#post-7685 Thu, 15 Apr 2010 09:36:24 +0000 The All New Jeni B 7685@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think we should send a delegation which includes Jim Davidson and Roy "Chubby and not very funny" Brown.<br /> Their unique brand of "humour" would have the aliens scuttling back in no time.</p> <p>And if that doesn't work, we could send a Daily Mail journo to interview them. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2589#post-7668 Thu, 15 Apr 2010 08:52:15 +0000 MADJEZ 7668@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>UK Airports closed as superior alien race invades. Public are delighted to hear news other than the election.</p> <p><strong>'Volcanic ash' or aliens invading</strong><br /> <img src="http://www.takoma.com/ssthenagain/Alien%20Ship.jpg"></p> <p>The Police have ask the populations of Liverpool, Manchester and Nottingham not to shoot at the space craft in case they start an intergalactic war.<br /> The Government are worried what to do if asked by the aliens to <blockquote>Take us to your leader</blockquote><br /> An Air Force spokesman said <blockquote>We're hoping to stall them with Gary Glitter, anyone but Gordon Brown.</blockquote> </p>