http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=afghanistan The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 23 May 2013 20:21:36 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-57819 Thu, 17 Feb 2011 10:46:53 +0000 editor 57819@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is a strong satirical idea but needs a rewrite - any one fancy having a go? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21284#post-57564 Tue, 15 Feb 2011 07:13:58 +0000 Mrblacker 57564@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>38 Non-commissioned British Army officers have launched a bid to take control of the British Government, after they were sacked them via email.</p> <p>In a direct response to the message, all 38 have now sent their replies to the Army, with the promise that they'll stage a coup when they return to the UK.</p> <p>"We're absolutely sure that this is the right thing to do" one of the group's spokesman Sgt Major Bob 'Mad Dog' Winch told reporters in an instant message from Afghanistan. "We're united on this and once we get UK-side, we'll be taking over the government and running the country on army lines."</p> <p>The threat has led to fears that once all 38 return home, there won't be enough experienced soldiers to put down an armed takeover.</p> <p>"Most of the soldiers currently serving in the Army are here in Afghanistan and we don't anticipate any kind of serious resistance from the Air Force and the Navy as they'd be too worried about getting their uniforms dirty." Sgt Dave 'sick puppy' Harrold said.</p> <p>"Those troops will be too busy doing public duties anyway. And as for those guarding Her Majesty, I'm not that worried about them as they're too concerned about making sure their furry heads are nice and clean."</p> <p>The Army confirmed it had recieved the coup threat by email and would respond as soon as they've completed negotiations with a Nigerian prince to relase his fund from locked bank accounts. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54580 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 19:53:22 +0000 euanc 54580@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I believe Capt Mannering's banker's bonus may be in jeopardy if he were to participate. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54569 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 17:47:40 +0000 4ty2 54569@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>where's dad's army? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54561 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 16:08:30 +0000 euanc 54561@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In the theatre of war a surgical operation can cut out the cancer of insurgency. Only now you'll be able to choose, SAS, Securicor, or Neighbourhood Watch? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54553 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 14:57:25 +0000 4ty2 54553@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I thought this was about going privat. I could get the leak in my head fixed choosing a military operation. Perhaps we should do that in a seperate sub.5stars just for the confusing headline </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54538 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 13:36:32 +0000 euanc 54538@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The model for NHS reforms, under which consumers of the service will be given control of the budgets, is to be extended to the Ministry of Defence. From as early as 2013 countries in need of liberty, freedom and democracy will no longer have these changes delivered by an invading force. Instead they will be provided with the finance needed to purchase liberation services from whatever source provides the best value.<br /> “We believe that providing choice for the people actually consuming these services is the right way forward,” said a government spokesperson, “Throughout the Labour government we saw examples of waste, bureaucracy and inefficiency in the armed forces. A lack of control of costs, poor equipment and mistakes in deployment were all the result of a centralised, command and control approach. Change is needed and we believe that placing the decision in the hands of consumers and introducing a competitive element into the procurement of invasions is the right solution at the right time.”<br /> General Sir Huge Witting-Fernleystall said “ We have the finest soldiers in the world and are confident that we can compete to provide invasion services wherever that they are needed.”<br /> We understand that within 12 months a website will be set up enabling countries to apply on line for support. “The process will be quick simple and efficient. All of the bureaucrats in the Ministry of Defence will be replaced by a short questionnaire, just like applying for a loan. An offer will be made immediately and, if accepted, the applicant’s account will be credited with the agreed sum (up to a maximum of £30bn) within 3 days.”<br /> We understand that the applicant’s details will be passed to the Chief of Staff of the Armed Services who will make contact, initially by phone, to discuss their requirements. The applicant is expected to be free to seek competitive tenders from other providers and it is believed that organisations as far afield as Italy and Columbia may be interested in the new business opportunities.<br /> “This breaks new ground and shows the coalition’s determination to stop at nothing to modernise the provision of public services,” the spokesperson explained.<br /> It is understood that a new regulating authority (OFWAR) will be set up to monitor the use of the finance provided. Countries who, following the allocation of a grant, fail to achieve targets for liberation and democracy will be issued with a notice to improve and their Ambassadors in the UK will not be invited to Buckingham Palace garden parties until there has been a satisfactory follow up inspection.<br /> A man in a funny hat sitting on a rock in Afghanistan said “We very much welcome the UK Government’s innovative proposals and look forward to receiving the money. Just mind that trip wire as you are leaving” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15931#post-43290 Tue, 16 Nov 2010 14:07:04 +0000 flim-flam 43290@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Seven British holiday makers have been killed and eleven seriously injured after the coach they were travelling on was hit by a rocket-propelled grenade in Afghanistan. </p> <p>They were on the way to Sangin, a small town located in the country’s notorious Helmand province, where they had planned to visit Osama’s Juicy Chicken Bar, a fashionable eatery recently described by Sunday Times food critic, A.A. Gill, as 'dangerously delicious' and 'sizzlingly sexy.' </p> <p>However, the party of 28 tourists from Guildford, Surrey, who had told their driver they wanted to experience 'the real Afghanistan' were ambushed by militants as they entered the town. A US military spokesman said it was: 'somewhat unbelievable they weren’t all killed.'</p> <p>Dangerous Restaurant Tourism (sometimes referred to as DRT) has been on the increase as well-heeled Westerners look to eat in ever more unpredictable neighbourhoods and war zones. Only last year, two British tourists were kidnapped in Somalia’s capital, Mogadishu, where they were trying to track down the world’s last surviving Wendy’s burger bar outlet.</p> <p>Speaking from his home near Bury St Edmonds in Suffolk, former Beirut hostage Terry Waite said: 'This trend is very sad and it’s time someone spoke out and pointed to the very real dangers involved in DRT, possibly by writing a very long and tedious book.' </p> <p>Waite was held for 1,763 days in the Lebanese capital after travelling to the country to dine at Ali’s Plaice, a fish restaurant he had heard television chef, Rick Stein, describe as 'Sublime…explosively busy,’ and ‘well worth the wait.' </p> <p>The Foreign Office has reacted by pledging to publish 'a comprehensive list of areas that are safe to eat in' on its website by the end of the week. The make-up of the list has however already become embroiled in controversy after Home Secretary, Theresa May, asked for areas within the UK to be added, including Manchester's Moss Side, St Paul’s in Bristol and the whole of Hull. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13074#post-35542 Tue, 28 Sep 2010 09:40:40 +0000 Oxbridge 35542@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>On the anniversary of the accidental bombing of a village in Afghanistan in which, ooh, quite a lot of people were killed, a moving tribute to the victims was paid by survivors in front of the world's media. Yeah, right.</p> <p>It was seven years ago today - well, give or take a month or so - that the navigator a US bomber on a raid against Taliban positions in Helmand province mistook the co-ordinates on his map and unloaded his cargo of bombs on a village where a wedding was taking place. According to survivors, several hundred innocent civilians were killed. And some women. Well, a few dozen at any rate.</p> <p>As lanterns burned in the stillness of the night, or might have done if the Afghans could have afforded matches to light them with, assuming any of this had happened in the first place, which it obviously didn't, a spokesman for the village of Fuzzywuzzia [Sub - can you check on Wikipedia? Doesn't sound right - Ed.] read out the names of the innocent victims of war one by one.</p> <p>'Khalid Jalubani, his elder son Tamiz bin Khalid Jalubani, his second son Rafiq bin Khalid Jalubani, er, his second wife, his third wife, er, his mother, one or two daughters, a few old women from the outskirts that were hanging around the tent and wouldn't take no for an answer, their names will be remembered forever, if they were remembered in the first place. We honour them all, to some degree.'</p> <p>A minute's silence was held as accredited cameramen filmed the dedication of a monument inscribed with - oh look, do I really need to go on or have even the septics worked this one out by now? The Afghan people have vowed to rebuild the village and that this time it will rise two storeys high, as a symbol of their unity in fighting for the freedoms they cherish to dress women in black marquees and shoot anyone they don't like. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9344#post-25300 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:40:27 +0000 newbietryer 25300@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can also be shoved up the enemies arse and opened. Good weapon </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9344#post-25278 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 12:39:48 +0000 SingingHinny 25278@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers PBR and Arghgarry! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9344#post-25265 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 12:21:48 +0000 Pabst Blue Ribbon 25265@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think this is your best yet... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9344#post-25120 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 22:25:50 +0000 arrghgarry 25120@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>i forgot to star it </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9344#post-25114 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 22:08:20 +0000 arrghgarry 25114@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well we could send then on the proviso that they tell the troops these guys are the ones that get the money for the life saving equipment you should be getting. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9344#post-25108 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 21:59:59 +0000 SingingHinny 25108@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>We could always send them in as well. That would be a bit of a bonus. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9344#post-25106 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 21:54:12 +0000 arrghgarry 25106@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes ,it<code>s a shame that Civil servants may not be able to get a big bonus now as they used the flash brolly</code>s </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9344#post-25101 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 21:35:07 +0000 SingingHinny 25101@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Final edit, sorry! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9344#post-25094 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 21:07:28 +0000 SingingHinny 25094@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Couple of edits that make it run a little smoother. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9344#post-25092 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 20:57:30 +0000 SingingHinny 25092@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A bit confused I think, possible rewrite on the way so ideas welcome. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9344#post-25090 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 20:47:18 +0000 SingingHinny 25090@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The MOD has denied accusations that Britain can no longer afford the war in Afghanistan despite furnishing its parachute regiments with oversized golf umbrellas. ‘Our top priority is the safety of our troops. The notion that we would risk the lives of honest men by providing inappropriate equipment is scandalous’, said General Praetorius. 'These are top of the range, reinforced umbrellas; much easier to fold up than parachutes and they double as crutches. You don't see the yanks with any of these do you?'</p> <p>However, there are genuine concerns that UK involvement is being hindered by poor preparation. In June an entire covert patrol was ambushed after the Morrison’s trolley being used to transport artillery developed a squeaky wheel, and thirty men lost their lives when their trolley kept veering to the left, accidentally setting off a landmine. Most observers are predicting an increase in British casualties in the coming months following the introduction of the umbrellas.</p> <p>‘At first I thought it was a joke,’ said Staff Sergeant Andrew Willis, ‘but if push comes to deathly plunge, I’d rather an umbrella than nothing. It doesn’t break your fall as well as it does your leg, but you certainly look cooler when you land with a skip and a whistle. Actually, they make a cracking bayonette and they always come in handy for that unexpected bullet-hail, ‘heavy rain’ and the odd falling limb. Plus, it has been surprisingly good for morale – a number of the lads have been learning to tap dance and we’re planning to make a video of 'Singing in the Rain' at Christmas, if we've any legs left!’</p> <p>Ironically, the strategy has provided hope for anti-war protesters, who believe that it may discourage US requests for support and hasten the British withdrawal. ‘We reckon we can only push the ‘eccentric’ tag so far and expect them to take it,’ said a spokesperson for the 'Stop The War Coalition'. ‘And what with the BP thing kicking off and the whole Lockerbie debacle, we’ve never had a better opportunity to get out. Just wait till they see our grenade briefcases, steel toe-capped galoshes and camouflaged top hats. We should be on our way home before you can say ‘Tally Ho!’</p> <p>A government spokesperson refused to confirm whether further funds will be made available and stated that 'In this time of austerity we must all make a contribution, and the armed forces are no exception. Rather than expecting state-of-the art-equipment, it's about time soldiers took responsibility and stopped getting shot.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8144#post-21928 Thu, 08 Jul 2010 13:14:58 +0000 Gary Stanton 21928@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The British ‘withdrawal’ from Sangin has nothing to do with the Taliban doing rather well and everything to do with a massive colony of pissed-off killer bees who have set up home in the area, a mere ten-thousand miles from their native Latin America , say defence chiefs. </p> <p>In the wake of the discovery, the British military strategy has now changed from<br /> running at the enemy screaming obscenities whilst not wearing any underpants, to a slow tactical retreat, then keeping perfectly still and hoping they’ll leave you alone </p> <p>Former Head of the Armed Forces, Richard Dannat, whose job it is to explain what war is like to David Cameron said: </p> <p>‘We are dealing with an elite and extremely motivated enemy who have superior air power and are constantly on the move. Let me make one thing absolutely clear – this retreat, if you can call it that, has got fuck all to do with us having our arses kicked by the Taliban.’ He also blamed local Taliban chiefs for filling the bees heads with Islamist propaganda, noting that, when the bees are at rest, they tend to point in the direction of Mecca and do so approximately five times a day. </p> <p>Meanwhile, Shadow Defence Secretary, Bob Ainsworth, slammed the government for failing to provide troops with essential equipment such as rolled-up newspapers and some of those really big hats with netting around them. </p> <p>It’s not all bad news, however. The bees are responsible for a bumper harvest of<br /> honey which, according to army top brass, is miles better than anything you’ll find in the Sainsburys ‘Taste The Difference’ range. This is in addition to the annual crop of heroin which senior military commanders rate as absolutely first-class and are determined to prevent too much of it from leaving the country. </p> <p>Last night Brigadier, Clive Harris, who serves with the Queen’s Fifth regiment described the bees as mainly yellow with black stripes across the abdomen and sought to highlight the importance of the mission:</p> <p>‘The public need to be reminded of why we are in Afghanistan and the reason for that is, erm, wel.. if I may pass you over to General Peter Adams here who will no doubt fill you in..’ </p> <p>‘Well as the brigadier said, the reason we are here is, er, I think you’ll find is.. ah wait, what’s that buzzing noise ? Stop! Stop! It’s hovering just behind your right ear. Don’t move an inch! Keep absolutely still! Oh look at that, it’s only gone and landed in my sodding beer.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6441#post-17407 Mon, 14 Jun 2010 22:37:32 +0000 la maga 17407@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Prime Minister of Great Britain, David Cameron, is to send his six year old daughter to Afghanistan this summer in an attempt to revive the allies' flagging efforts to wrest control of the country from the Taliban and other armed groups. "It will be fine," said Mr Cameron, when questioned about his daughter's safety, "She goes to a state school anyway. If I was prepared to do that did you really think I'd draw the line at Afghanistan?" </p> <p>Cameron's wife Samantha, of aristocratic stock, is said to be ecstatic about the news. "It runs in the family," she said. "My great great great grandfather fought in the First Anglo-Afghan War." She refused to be drawn on the manner of her great great great grandfather's death. "We must be patriotic in war," she said. "And my daughter is showing the rest of the country the way."</p> <p>The Cameron family neither confirmed nor denied rumours that their daughter is receiving private tuition in the recognition and extraction of precious metals. "That's a private family matter," said the Prime Minister's spokesman. "Though there are some things the daughter of a very rich family should know that are not taught in state schools."</p> <p>British soldiers are said to have offered Nancy Cameron their flak jacket for the duration of her stay in Afghanistan. "We don't really use it," they explained. "It got boring drawing lots for it every day so now it just sort of hangs there in the tent. Lets face it if Johnny Taliban is going to get you that day he's going to get you."</p> <p>The Prime Minister praised the selflessness of the soldiers, promising them they would be home soon. "You can come home just as soon as Nancy does," he said. "And she's coming home just as soon as she's defeated the Taliban and found some lithium. That's a Conservative promise, and we keep our promises." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6430#post-17393 Mon, 14 Jun 2010 20:51:11 +0000 virtuallywill 17393@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The odd angry shot later... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4896#post-13721 Sun, 23 May 2010 13:05:55 +0000 antharrison 13721@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is excellent </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4896#post-13718 Sun, 23 May 2010 12:29:11 +0000 thisisall1word 13718@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ah - a quick google search of the archives reveals that there's been a similar story;<br /> <a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=846" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=846</a> - from AdrianJ - obv I am not alone in linking Morgan to the Taliban and some sort of fantasy of the odious ones demise. <em>(didn't remember yr earlier post AJ - sry) </em></p> <p>Although at least the man knows he is not liked - saw him quoting the joke on Britain's got Talent: Why do people take an instant dislike to Piers Morgan? To Save Time. - so in some way his self-awareness of his own unlike-ability should count for him. It does not. He's weirdly proud of this and therefore it only makes things worse. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4896#post-13632 Sat, 22 May 2010 13:45:40 +0000 Basil_B 13632@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Quality. Lets hope the Taliban act on information given, no sorry don't act on information given. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4896#post-13631 Sat, 22 May 2010 13:40:33 +0000 Scroat 13631@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Laugh out loud stuff this!!! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4896#post-13630 Sat, 22 May 2010 13:36:24 +0000 Zadok the second 13630@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is my favourite sub ever. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4896#post-13606 Fri, 21 May 2010 21:59:25 +0000 thisisall1word 13606@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Much Loved TV star Piers Morgan is flying out to pay a morale boosting visit to UK troops stationed in Helmand Province, Afghanistan. Army Generals and MOD officials have ensured that such a high profile trip will not attract unwanted attention from insurgents.<br /> The itinerary will see the Britain's Got Talent Judge land at 07:30am at the air strip 28 miles North of camp bastion before waiting, alone, for an hour until the lightly armed X-86J land rover picks him up to drive along the scenic Baji Bast Pass, a tight ravine path surrounded on both sides by high rocky outposts and many dense bushes which are often used as excellent cover by Taliban fighters.<br /> The X-86J is a vehicle barely used by the modern army due to the incredibly poor protection offered to the left hand passenger seat, which Mr Morgan will occupy. The army are hoping very much that this information does not reach the wrong hands.<br /> "We want to make it as clear as we can that Piers is one of our countries most highly regarded statesmen" Major General Gordon Messenger announced today, "and if he were to come to any harm, perhaps during the unscheduled stretching breaks, scheduled for 10:15 to 10:45 at grid reference 12-65-168-1548, then the morale of our brave troops would be shattered and we would have no choice but to surrender. I pray to God that this information is not used against us by our bitter enemies." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1524#post-4151 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 21:07:33 +0000 virtuallywill 4151@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl/hi/pop_ups/08/uk_enl_1269526651/img/1.jpg "> </p>