29787 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 11:55:36 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57114#post-165431 Thu, 28 Feb 2013 20:20:53 +0000 Titus 165431@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great! 5*</p> <p>And a lot of further potential. The mention of "believing in ancient folklore" opens the door to the Catholic church reaching a whole new demographic including all the New Age lot. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57114#post-165414 Thu, 28 Feb 2013 18:58:53 +0000 brieosh1 165414@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cardinals of the Catholic Church are in a hurry to ensure the election process is complete before Easter. However, in a twist from tradition, those involved – Cardinals under 80 years of age – have decided that, rather than just elect a new Pope, they will elect a new God too. Says a spokesman:</p> <p>“Essentially, they [the church] have had a bit of a bad run of late: stories of paedophilia; connections with the Nazis; silly hats. Hence it was decided that if they change the Man in charge, the rest will, simply, fall into line. It’s common knowledge that all Catholic bishops are just following the word of God, so, technically, it must have been God that was at fault all this time.”</p> <p>It appears that the church was also trying to avoid any panic associated with the prophecy of St Malachy – stating that the next Pope will be the last before the apocalypse – by switching allegiance. The spokesman continued:</p> <p>“New God, new rules. It’s simple really: by changing to another God we can eliminate any issue with this prophecy. Even if it does set a precedent for the church to start believing in ancient folklore that doesn’t really have any relevance in modern society.”</p> <p>It appears bookmakers are already taking plenty of bets. The current favourite is Vishnu, the Hindu God, with many Catholics believing He would welcome a Pope to help with extra tasks, as He often has His hands full. Also, it appears that William Hill will be slashing the odds to 4/1 that the next Catholic God will be black. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55177#post-159436 Wed, 23 Jan 2013 12:45:52 +0000 FlashArry 159436@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice idea - but maybe drop the sandwich references - didn't do it for me.<br /> Could the revelation have caused an outbreak of apoplexy and revulsion at the Express offices ? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55177#post-159428 Wed, 23 Jan 2013 11:01:50 +0000 brieosh1 159428@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sporting the late Lady Diana’s “flock of seagulls” hairstyle, eye make-up and easy manner, Claire Balding has edged her way into the hearts of a nation through her excellent presentation of the Olympics and Paralympics. However, the now ubiquitous TV host has had to issue a statement that she is in no way Channelling the spirit of Lady Di.</p> <p>An expert claims: “She can’t be the re-incarnation of Lady Diana as their lifetimes cross, but then again, we don’t know everything about re-incarnation yet”. Close friends of Ms Balding claim that she isn’t totally trying to replace Princess Diana, but she does think that people should: “Jolly well watch all the horse racing and stuff”.</p> <p>The Palace has had to issue a statement denying that Prince Edward has married Ms Balding by mistake: “The Prince has no interest in [gay] women”. The statement went on to infer that the Prince “doesn’t have a beard”, so is confused by the double accusation. “I just want to eat this sandwich”, it concluded.</p> <p>A spokesman for sandwiches said: “Let’s, jolly well, not forget this article is about Claire Balding and stuff”. Lady Diana was unavailable to comment. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37614#post-106120 Tue, 17 Jan 2012 19:17:28 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 106120@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37622#post-106117 Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:45:53 +0000 brieosh1 106117@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37620#post-106111 Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:35:24 +0000 brieosh1 106111@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Leeds labourer, Ed Miliband, is sick of the cruel jibes he receives for sharing a name with political lightweight, Ed Balls. He takes greater issue with Labour leader, Ed Miliband, as they share two – namely a fore and a surname.</p> <p>“It’s gone beyond a joke now,” claims Mr Miliband (of Leeds) “his performances in parliament and his embarrassing photo-opportunities – not to mention his voice, dress-sense and face – sully the good name of Ed Miliband, which is why I've decided to sue.</p> <p>“I run my own business, and work has slowed to a trickle over the last 12 months. No prizes for guessing why. He [Mr Miliband (Labour party leader)] claims that being the leader of the opposition is the hardest job in the world; well, I’d like to see how he handles my job. Especially when no-one wants to hire you because they think you’ll, probably, cock the country up and just make things worse”.</p> <p>Mr Miliband was available for comment. His views are printed above. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37614#post-106110 Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:34:31 +0000 dvo4fun 106110@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37617#post-106107 Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:08:23 +0000 brieosh1 106107@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Daily Mail “columnist”, Richard Littlejohn, was completely gob-smacked today after finally getting around to watching “Up”, the Disney/Pixar feature film. In his continuing battle separating fact from fiction, Littlejohn claimed that the film had to be a documentary:</p> <p>“There is no way this isn’t real. I defy anyone to come close to imagining such a script; I mean, YOU couldn’t make it, could you? Of course not, you are just a limp, left-leaning, liberal leech.”</p> <p>After it was pointed out that Mr Littlejohn was spitting rage at a wonky lamppost, he went on to add:</p> <p>“I know who you are – some sort of Polish lighting device, intent on stealing jobs from British lampposts.”</p> <p>Despite initial reports on this story sounding far-fetched, an official statement has been released from Littlejohn’s lawyers stating that... “he is a cretin.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37614#post-106104 Tue, 17 Jan 2012 17:22:00 +0000 brieosh1 106104@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Spurred on by, successfully, turning the illegal activity of “loan-sharking” into a legitimate website, Wonga.com plan to add to their portfolio with the introduction of Badgerbaiting.co.uk. Founder, Jonty Hurwitz, explains:</p> <p>“We couldn’t believe our luck when people swallowed up this ruse. It seems you can willingly break the law, just by creating a web-site. We’ve already seen it done with ticket-touts, then with our own extortionate loans (APR 4214%), so we thought: ‘why not get into badger baiting’?”</p> <p>If the move results in further success, Wonga.com aims to launch Childsmack.org (the injecting of children with heroin) and rape.com by late October. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37367#post-105237 Thu, 12 Jan 2012 12:49:32 +0000 brieosh1 105237@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>London planners of the Olympic games awoke to the shock revelation that it wouldn’t be hosting the 2012 games as, it had for many years, believed it would. It seems that during the bidding process, Paris, and not London, received the most votes. London Mayor, Boris Johnson, was appalled by the announcement:</p> <p>“I mean, really,” he said “they could have mentioned something a bit earlier. I was under the impression that we’d won the bloody bid, or some such. We’ve spend millions on erecting these buildings to house the games. Buildings that have no other bloody use”.</p> <p>The legacy commission was quick to point out that it wasn’t all doom and gloom, as much of the infrastructure was necessary and that many of the venues would be put to good use, whether used for the Olympics or not. However, in a failure to provide a united front, it appears Mr. Johnson doesn’t share the views held by the commission:</p> <p>“Most of these roads were only built for the games; the people living in this part of London [where the Olympic village is] can’t even afford cars. We’ve built buildings that have no other bloody use”.</p> <p>The IOC claimed that it knew that Paris would win the bid some 4 months before the official announcement was made, but had shot two different videos: one to be shown in London and one to the rest of the world. Kanter Belj of the IOC games selection panel explains:</p> <p>“Seb Coe is such a persuasive and dominating man, we didn’t know how to break it to him that we would be giving it [the games] to Paris. We broadcast the fake footage of us announcing ‘London’ and then just got some stock-footage of some Parisians looking surly and disappointed. Quite where our researcher was able to find such footage remains a mystery.”</p> <p>“In fairness to us, we assumed that you guys would have worked it out a hell-of-a-lot quicker than this. The fact that we, in the end, had to actually tell you guys that it was- not a joke- but, well, maybe a non-truth shows that it is possibly your fault anyway. I mean, do you not care what France is doing? Whether they have also been preparing for an Olympics? At the very least, you have built some excellent buildings and it is not that we live in such a time that it can be argued this money could [have] been better spent”.</p> <p>Seb Coe is believed to be so bitterly aggrieved by the news that he has taken to hiding and refuses to make any public appearances in the near future. Taking it as a personal slight and believing he has “let down” the whole country, his legal team have released one tear-soaked statement, on his behalf:</p> <p>“It’s not even like these buildings have any other bloody use”. </p>