28752 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 20 Jun 2013 12:00:13 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168646 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 19:41:36 +0000 Bob 168646@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Squudge - even the local vermin can see the holes need filling... but that's enough about the Tory Councillor... (badum tcsh)</p> <p>Dvo - thanks, and as an aside, for me personally, it definitely helps when people say which parts they do/don't like - I get a better feel for what does or doesn't work. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168642 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 19:35:45 +0000 dvo4fun 168642@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love the sub (esp. "The Minister responsible, Patrick McLoughlin, confirmed that the potholes will now be intentionally unfilled and their new purpose as ‘inverted speed bumps’ (ISBs) will mean that ‘the more the roads degrade, the safer they will become’."</p> <p>and the pic. </p> <p>Share these stars between you </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168641 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 19:32:09 +0000 Squudge 168641@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>landmines.</p> <p>Two-for-one benefits. Flip the corsas and restore the traffic-calming pot-holes.</p> <p>I've noticed fastidious local animals like to curl one into a good pot-hole too. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168639 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 19:26:54 +0000 Bob 168639@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks guys - I've edited the sub and edited the pic to remove any identifying info (also, hat tip added Squudge).</p> <p>Dick - ironically, this sub was written because our roads were resurfaced and now the local boy racers use it for their 'who's 1.2 Corsa goes the quickest' contests.</p> <p><img src="http://s21.postimage.org/gyo1xup07/tax.jpg"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168630 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 18:26:06 +0000 Dick Everyman 168630@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Slante</p> <p><a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51044">I sympathise</a></p> <p>;0) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168629 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 18:16:52 +0000 Squudge 168629@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>clearly a classic heap - but the tax holders could be bought online a couple of years ago.</p> <p>Slante - if you nick it and resize it so it isn't quite so big it will not overshadow your excellent idea. </p> <p>On the A30 there is a bit as calming as the Grand Canyon. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168628 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 18:07:57 +0000 bonjonelson 168628@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What's especially funny about the pic is the price paid. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168625 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 17:40:03 +0000 Bob 168625@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Squudge - I love the pic but I fear it's funnier than my sub, so I'm torn.... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168622 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 17:36:02 +0000 hero2zero 168622@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>With all the council cut-backs I have regarded them as "Empty sleeping policeman's beds, my local council didn't seem to think it was worth considering as a safety measure. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168621 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 17:34:13 +0000 Squudge 168621@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>oh - and if you make it to FP, you are welcome to steal this for a pic</p> <p><img src="http://media-cache-ec6.pinterest.com/originals/32/aa/33/32aa33e386003e2cca8a3709fe02049e.jpg"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168620 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 17:32:48 +0000 Squudge 168620@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>vg</p> <p>though inverted calming measures are surely some sort of 'enragement'</p> <p>I rather enjoyed "It’s alright for the minister to be sat in his office making up new words like ‘inverted’, ..." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168617 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 17:19:37 +0000 godly1966 168617@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168616 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 17:14:02 +0000 Bob 168616@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Blackburn it is... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168615 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 17:08:34 +0000 Tripod 168615@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Burnley? Traditionally more of a Blackburn problem, I think... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58163#post-168614 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 17:05:14 +0000 Bob 168614@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In light of the government's uphill challenge to fix Britain’s heavily cratered roads, the Secretary of State for Transport has decided that potholes are not at all a reflection of the country's decaying transport infrastructure, but in fact are 'traffic calming measures.'</p> <p>The Minister responsible, Patrick McLoughlin, confirmed that the potholes will now be intentionally unfilled and their new purpose as ‘inverted speed bumps’ (ISBs) will mean that ‘the more the roads degrade, the safer they will become’.</p> <p>‘At no expense to the taxpayer, we have saved over £1 billion in road maintenance costs whilst also immediately implementing a proven method for slowing dangerous drivers. We will track the impact of the ISBs and if necessary we will dig holes in some of the newly tarmacked stretches of road in order to make them safer too.’</p> <p>Drivers are being told not to swerve around the ISBs, but instead hit them at approximately 20mph - a speed found to be 'slow enough not to damage the car in the short term.'</p> <p>The Minister was also keen for people to know that it is a criminal offense to tamper with the ISBs, ‘we cannot tolerate people trying to fill in the holes - residents must refrain from using any filling materials including gravel, bark chippings or even repositioned roadkill'.</p> <p>One angry Blackburn resident who lives on a road described as ‘one of the safest in Britain’ with ISBs of one foot in depth, commented ‘It’s alright for the minister to be sat in his office making up new words like ‘inverted’ but if he ever comes to our town I’ll be sure to fill his pothole with my inverted foot.’</p> <p>Unfortunately, since it's announcement, the policy has been met with tragedy after several Aylesbury residents misguidedly staged a twenty four hour ‘pothole sit in’ on the very busy and poorly lit A413.</p> <p><em>Hat-tip to Squudge for the image</em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33940&page=2#post-164642 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 11:35:31 +0000 Truebiscuit 164642@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Completely piss poor. Moths aren't topical, did you not read the guidelines? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33940&page=2#post-164628 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 10:34:23 +0000 Yikes 164628@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>FP material for sure. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33940&page=2#post-157726 Mon, 14 Jan 2013 17:02:41 +0000 dvo4fun 157726@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Apologies for laughing, whilst I still had some bolognese in m'mouth, at Titus' comment there </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33940&page=2#post-157717 Mon, 14 Jan 2013 16:13:23 +0000 Titus 157717@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"... I had a feeling this might be far too stupid for Newsbiscuit"</p> <p>You must be joking!<br /> _ _ _ _</p> <p>A dentist was working late one night in his surgery dealing with some paperwork when there was a knock on the door.</p> <p>"Can you help me please? I keep thinking I'm a moth."</p> <p>"You need to see a psychiatrist. I'm afraid I can't help you, I'm a dentist."</p> <p>"I know, but your light was on." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33940&page=2#post-157704 Mon, 14 Jan 2013 15:11:16 +0000 Psycadelic Squirrel 157704@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bumped cos it's so mental. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51825#post-149309 Sat, 17 Nov 2012 11:44:11 +0000 Tripod 149309@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks, CC... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51825#post-149210 Fri, 16 Nov 2012 20:49:02 +0000 custard cream 149210@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great, just great! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51825#post-149185 Fri, 16 Nov 2012 19:37:31 +0000 dvo4fun 149185@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've heard jamsie that they might also introduce 'physiological profiling' (eyes too close, only one but very large eyebrow, body piercings - that sort of thing) in addition to the existing 'defendant's-collar-one-size-too-small-for-the-neck' issue.</p> <p>Oh, and thanks - I always enjoyed the summing up </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51825#post-149183 Fri, 16 Nov 2012 19:30:36 +0000 jamsieoconnor 149183@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hearsay is already admissible and the introduction of bad character evidence, the abolition of the right to silence and the double jeopardy rule make trial by Twitter the next logical step. </p> <p>Stars (and belated stars to dvo for his twitter summing up story which I forgot to rate). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51825#post-149182 Fri, 16 Nov 2012 19:23:34 +0000 dvo4fun 149182@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Maybe it finishes better for me on penultimate para. - but love the first two sentences of final para.</p> <p>Either way it's Five Big Ones from me Tripod. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51825#post-149156 Fri, 16 Nov 2012 16:49:28 +0000 Tripod 149156@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bowing to the weight of public opinion, Chris Grayling, Secretary of State for Justice, plans to dismantle our byzantine legal system and replace it with rumour and hearsay. </p> <p>“For centuries”, he said, “we’ve assumed that a man is innocent until proved guilty, but this ‘burden of proof’ thing is weighing us down. As we’re all perfectly aware, there’s no smoke without fire. The police don’t go round arresting innocent people; it wouldn’t make sense. And people know a ‘wrong ‘un’ as soon as they clap eyes on him. If a man <em>looks</em> like a paedophile, and ‘keeps himself to himself’, then, frankly, he probably <em>is</em> a paedophile and deserves what’s coming to him. </p> <p>“In times of austerity we need to look at ways of cutting costs. It’s getting harder to justify the expense of trial by jury: assembling ‘twelve good men and true’ and filling a courtroom with lawyers. Do you know how much these people charge? And does a man wearing a wig really know more about justice than a person with a computer, a broadband connection and a borderline personality disorder? I think we all know the answer to that. </p> <p>“Justice delayed is justice denied, and some of these court cases can drag on for months - even years - merely to tell us what we know already: that a man with his eyes too close together is guilty... of something. And the sooner he’s behind bars the better. For sentencing we could conduct a telephone survey of the readers of <em>Nuts</em> magazine. Or play ‘spin the bottle’. Yes, once we get rid of all that red tape and legal mumbo-jumbo, we’ll be able to dispense instant justice at the drop of a hat. And throw away the key.</p> <p>“Having made a close study of the letters page of the <em>Daily Mail</em>, I bow to the will of the people in restoring capital punishment to the statute book. We don’t subscribe to the generally held view that ‘hanging’s too good’ for kiddy fiddlers. Hanging's perfect for paedophiles. In fact we’d like to bring back <em>public</em> hangings - they’d be quite a draw for locals and visitors alike - but even death by lethal injection would be a welcome shot in the arm for the country’s ailing economy. </p> <p>“Finally, this isn’t about lynch mobs armed with pitchforks and flaming torches, marching on the big house. That’s just medieval. It’s about people with silly user names spreading malicious rumours and unsubstantiated gossip, while enjoying the anonymity of an online chat-room. Crowd-sourced tittle-tattle deserves to be heard, and, believe me, your government is listening.”... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51415#post-148233 Sun, 11 Nov 2012 12:47:53 +0000 Underconstruction 148233@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent...some corner of a foreign field (with wireless internet access of course) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51415#post-148206 Sun, 11 Nov 2012 09:53:03 +0000 Yikes 148206@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very nice FP! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51415#post-148020 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 19:17:47 +0000 Squudge 148020@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I give it 5 for the truebiscuit alone:<br /> War on Terror: lining up the military might of the western world against an abstract noun. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51415#post-147994 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 16:10:34 +0000 simonjmr 147994@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51295" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51295</a></p> <p>You could consider adding in these unheralded veterans as well. </p>