28593 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 18:13:36 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-166515 Wed, 06 Mar 2013 22:00:23 +0000 Dick Everyman 166515@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Well" said Dr Bastard, "That's the longest telephone diagnosis I've done in a long time. I think I need the toilet....." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-160235 Tue, 29 Jan 2013 10:19:11 +0000 Dick Everyman 160235@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Albert's memory lapse made Bonjo the Dwarf realise he'd forgotten to put the tablets out on his friends bedside table. Later after polishing off handfuls of purple and blue assortments they were both up and firing on all cylinders once more. Suddenly the phone rang. It was Dr. Bastard.... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-160144 Tue, 29 Jan 2013 01:31:35 +0000 Quaz 160144@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sven realised that 6 out of 7 Dwarves are not happy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159788 Fri, 25 Jan 2013 19:45:17 +0000 bonjonelson 159788@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Didn't you die in the 1800s?" Albert asked Sven. "I could have sworn you went back in time, and then died. Please tell me what happened to you after this!" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159781 Fri, 25 Jan 2013 19:10:00 +0000 Dick Everyman 159781@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Pedicures?" Said Sven with secateurs poised above his fungally infested toe nail... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159769 Fri, 25 Jan 2013 15:07:29 +0000 FlashArry 159769@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"It seems like a rather extreme treatment for sleep-walking" mused Albert, "but I'm sure Dr. Bastard knows what he's doing". Anyway, it was saving him a fortune in sock-laundering costs and pedicures. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159631 Thu, 24 Jan 2013 15:01:15 +0000 beau-jolly 159631@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Albert Hedgeworst sighed and pushed his untouched dinner away. Everyone else was enjoying watching the nuns being thrown towards the city and all he could do was just sit there staring out of the one small window. It was not the first time that week he had regretted being nailed to the floor. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159625 Thu, 24 Jan 2013 14:16:34 +0000 Titus 159625@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>With all these nuns around, Corpral Punishment was beginning to doubt the wisdom of having women on the front line.</p> <p>"What we need" he mused "are some un-manned trebuchets ..." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159444 Wed, 23 Jan 2013 13:32:08 +0000 Dick Everyman 159444@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...there was a faint whiff of Bovril as Sven the Dwarf looked through his collection of toe-nail clippings. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159433 Wed, 23 Jan 2013 12:28:19 +0000 FlashArry 159433@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A peeved voice floated down from the bucket.<br /> "Ordnance, schmordnance, are you going to launch me or what ? My coif is chafing something terrible up here, and me cornettes getting warped".<br /> Bloody nuns, thought Punishment darkly, all pious volatility and no tact. Still, it's a step up from manhandling foetid diseased cattle carcasses, he mused, even if the smell is slightly worse. Mind you, the cows didn't get really fecking arsey about where you accidentally put your hands whilst loading them into the bucket.<br /> He signalled to the Private standing by the trigger lever.<br /> "Parts, oblige the sister"</p> <p>Meanwhile, back in Melrose ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159376 Wed, 23 Jan 2013 01:23:27 +0000 Quaz 159376@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Never mind the Duck, what type of Nun have we got in the Tebuchet?" askeed the Chief Artillerist.</p> <p>"What kind of Nun sir?" asked young Corporal Punishment, a young whipersnapper.</p> <p>"Is she Presbyterian Fire and Brimstone or is she Catholic and full of Guilt? Better yet, if she's a bit agnostic and riddled with self doubt then she'll go to pieces when we launch her and scatter them with shrapnel. Oh, why don't we have a Mother Superior when I need one!" wailed the Chief. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159253 Tue, 22 Jan 2013 10:22:26 +0000 beagle 159253@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Duck!" shouted Sister Bovril.</p> <p>"Duck? What kind?" said the Chief Artillerist lifting his head over the battlements.</p> <p>"Looks like a Silver Appleyard Duck" replied Sister Bovril (herself a keen Orthodontist) " or maybe a Buff Orpington"</p> <p>"Could be a Gimbsheimer" piped up a voice from the trebuchet crew. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159231 Tue, 22 Jan 2013 07:43:53 +0000 sigmund 159231@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Meanwhile, just 3 miles away, Rebecca was finishing off the last of the evening’s clients with a... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159209 Tue, 22 Jan 2013 00:44:40 +0000 FlashArry 159209@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Just over 5000 yards" said the Chief Artillerist, proudly "But if you change your name to Sarah, it goes up to nearly 7000".<br /> A fleeting look of confusion scurried across his face. Pensively stroking his chin, he went on "It's something to do with the weight of those syllables, I suppose" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159206 Tue, 22 Jan 2013 00:23:35 +0000 Ironduke 159206@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sister Rebecca pushed forward, eager to be next into the trebuchet's bucket. </p> <p>'What's the range of this thing?' she asked </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159205 Tue, 22 Jan 2013 00:19:59 +0000 FlashArry 159205@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sister Bovril heaved a deep sigh as she trudged towards the hated siege engine. Two misfires and a trigger malfunction had not put her in the best of moods : this wasn't the reason she had joined the Little Sisters of the Sainted Semtex.<br /> Elsewhere, her sistren were limbering up, performing last minute checks on their fuses and - in the case of Sister Malevicta - practicing her attack ululation. A duck, stunned by the high pitched wailing, struck the counterweight with a resounding thunk.<br /> The trebuchet crew stepped back to let the Sister pass : no man wanted to get on the wrong side of the Wimples of Mass Destruction. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159200 Mon, 21 Jan 2013 23:07:28 +0000 bonjonelson 159200@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Probably the best thing to do with them", said Fermi, who had lost all trace of any European accent. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159195 Mon, 21 Jan 2013 21:59:18 +0000 sigmund 159195@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'They’re hurling over-heated bottles of cheap German white wine over the walls!’ shouted Mary. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159163 Mon, 21 Jan 2013 17:54:28 +0000 Dick Everyman 159163@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Duck!!!!!!! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159127 Mon, 21 Jan 2013 14:04:47 +0000 bonjonelson 159127@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>... other than the exploding nuns being hurled over the city walls with a trebuchet. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-159125 Mon, 21 Jan 2013 14:04:03 +0000 bonjonelson 159125@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Meanwhile, in nowhere particular, nothing special was going on, which was fairly usual for the time of day. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-158330 Wed, 16 Jan 2013 21:31:56 +0000 Dick Everyman 158330@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lieutenant McAllister scanned the far horizon as a faint whiff of Brothel pervaded his naval nasal passage.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-157183 Thu, 10 Jan 2013 15:48:47 +0000 sigmund 157183@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Meanwhile, the U.S. Navy’s sixth fleet entered the South China Sea...a Wetherspoon’s-style brothel in Canton. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-157104 Thu, 10 Jan 2013 10:30:19 +0000 beau-jolly 157104@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"But the duck was the key to everything" sobbed Nancy. "It would have explained the moving geography, lack of chronology, time travelling dwarves; everything!"<br /> McTavish failed to subdue an extravegant belch. "Ah well" he sighed "There's probably enough left for sandwiches." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-157060 Wed, 09 Jan 2013 22:11:42 +0000 Quaz 157060@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Have you just been blowing a Duck?" asked Nancy, with a wiff of suspicion and Boveril?<br /> McTavish quickly sought an explanation.<br /> "No, I was just giving it mouth to beak. It was looking quite ill after it had walked into an oven set at 200 degrees and spent a while nesting in a roasting tin." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=5#post-156999 Wed, 09 Jan 2013 15:28:59 +0000 beau-jolly 156999@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"The duck has the answers!" shouted Nancy.<br /> McTavish shrugged, "What?"<br /> He grinned sheepishly. A small downy feather vibrated on his bottom lip. He blew but it wouldn't move. He wiped it away with a bloody hand. "Pillow fight" he suggested. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=4#post-156967 Wed, 09 Jan 2013 10:08:27 +0000 Dick Everyman 156967@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>....that feckin' duck... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=4#post-156966 Wed, 09 Jan 2013 10:04:52 +0000 The All New Jeni B 156966@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Szrojhaihkrndfj fureh adfj aadjf nvch@%^&amp;dhfnnf" due to the duck in his pocket accidentally typing with his feet... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=4#post-156961 Wed, 09 Jan 2013 09:17:30 +0000 Dick Everyman 156961@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Suddenly a faint whiff of Bovril with an undercurrent of Marmite filled the air. The reassuring figure of Nancy McAllister, fresh from her crypt in the relocated Scottish Highland town of Melrose appeared. Luckily the battery in her cell phone had not died with her and she opened the text message from Sven the Dwarf. It said..... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52197&page=4#post-156905 Tue, 08 Jan 2013 21:51:36 +0000 Ironduke 156905@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>..in a thunderous ankle-wrenching parabolic vomit. </p>