28428 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 19 Jun 2013 18:38:16 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49057#post-141487 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 20:32:30 +0000 Sir Lupus 141487@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>nice punchline </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49057#post-141484 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 19:38:47 +0000 dvo4fun 141484@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep - DFS are going to be really pissed off if 'Sale' is now trademarked. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49057#post-141481 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 19:31:29 +0000 custard cream 141481@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Terrific, well done, really funny, max. stars!<br /> You could have had a bidding war with DFS since they seem to have a permanent sale! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48989#post-141476 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 17:25:15 +0000 arthurminnit 141476@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>as a hard-core porn loving, obese, left handed, ginger haired, roman catholic, cat strangling, masturbator, i am NEVER represented anywhere.</p> <p>(mick hucknall doesn't count! he's not catholic!) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49057#post-141473 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:56:47 +0000 waylandsmithy 141473@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's a great sub, but I think the headline needs to be a little stronger: it makes sense now I've read the sub, but it confused me at first.</p> <p>- Tesco 'Value' range of landbanks proves popular with rivals? Dunno, that might be worse. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49057#post-141468 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 15:54:55 +0000 Perks 141468@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A town in the North-West has today become the first to be bought outright by a supermarket chain. Tesco has invested 10 Million pounds in buying ‘Sale’ in a bid to secure the word for their sole use.</p> <p> The ancient ‘on-the-market’ town has been available to buy since 1978, with signs being erected at every entrance to the town saying ‘Sale’, but up to now there has been very little interest. However as Tesco CEO Phillip Clarke told us, they got a bargain for this great opportunity. ‘We now have the chance to trademark the word Sale to prevent any other retailer using it. It also give us the chance to neglect the whole town and let it become overgrown so that our rivals can’t build here.’</p> <p> It is unknown how long the deal has been signed for, but locals have said they’ve started noticing changes for the last three weeks. One resident claimed ‘the local school has been renamed ‘St Michael’s <em>finest</em> C of E’, and the zebra crossings repainted blue and white. However I think the exchange must of happened yesterday as all of the signs coming into the town now say ‘Welcome to Sold’’. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48989#post-141418 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 11:28:19 +0000 dvo4fun 141418@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>yep </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48989#post-141375 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 07:26:31 +0000 sigmund 141375@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48996#post-141344 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 21:00:12 +0000 waylandsmithy 141344@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Splendid! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48997#post-141342 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 20:38:10 +0000 Nunnion Splendacular 141342@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yay! It's Roy! Roy's back! I was just thinking the other day "what's happened to Roy? He always posts great little NiBs, and then slinks off again, quietly."</p> <p>Glad you're OK, Roy. Love the sub! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48989#post-141341 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 20:34:29 +0000 Nunnion Splendacular 141341@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>That's a bit spooky, I changed 'unicorn' to 'penguin' at the last minute. Not sure why.</p> <p>I was a bit worried this might be seen as 'racist' but it really isn't meant to be: it's more a reaction against the painfully politically correct 'inclusive' studio (I don't mean studio, there's another word, a bit like 'archive' or 'agency'?) pictures.</p> <p>You can go to a website for a family-run business of dumpling manufacturers in a welsh village, and they'll have a generic picture of a happy 'world village' community all smiling with perfect teeth, ready to answer your call. It's bloody annoying, every photo has to represent everyone all the time, even when there's no point. It's kind of quite patronising: it suggests someone will be offended, if they're not somehow represented. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48997#post-141340 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 20:32:36 +0000 roybland 141340@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The teacher arrested on suspicion of abducting 15-year-old Sussex schoolgirl Megan Stammers says he will not seek refuge in the Ecuadorian Embassy.</p> <p>Jeremy Forrest, 30, was arrested in Bordeaux, France, on Friday, more than a week after the pair went missing.</p> <p>When he appeared before the Court of Appeal in the port city, Mr Forrest said he didn't feel his 'dalliance' with Stammers could be compared with 'shagging a couple of mature Swedish women in dubious circumstances'.</p> <p>Julian Assange has denied Melanie Stammers hopes to join him in London's Ecuadorian Embassy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48996#post-141338 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 20:21:27 +0000 jamsieoconnor 141338@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The public face of a homelessness support campaign known only as "John", a homeless man from London, has been dropped by The Guardian after readers complained that he did not notice them as they passed him in the street. </p> <p>"John's" campaign in the paper involved a small appearance around page 4 followed by a larger appearance later on in which he complained that the reader had not noticed his earlier appearance. However, numerous accusations of double standards and hypocrisy against him have now left this campaign in tatters. </p> <p>"I walked past him on my way to Court this morning," complained Charlene Hewitt, a commercial litigation solicitor from Kensington, "but he didn't notice me at all. He just seemed to stare off into the middle distance with a despairing expression on his face. What sort of way is that to behave after making me feel guilty all these years?"</p> <p>In a statement realised today, The Guardian confirmed that they had dropped him from future editions due to complaints made by readers, which included allegations that, rather than noticing passers-by, he appeared to be "sullen", "arrogant" and "lying immobile as if he was dead from exposure or something." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48989#post-141335 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 19:54:51 +0000 The All New Jeni B 141335@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>No unicorns?</p> <p>I must write and complain. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48989#post-141332 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 19:33:48 +0000 Jeremy Hunt 141332@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'a mexican with a head wound' 5*<br /> A mexican with a head is becoming more &amp; more of a rarity these days.La Droga.Every cloud.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48989#post-141310 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 17:27:13 +0000 Nunnion Splendacular 141310@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Guardian newspaper has reacted angrily to its own dating service, after the offensive image of two white, heterosexual professionals was used to advertise the business. Despite the wealth of orientations and backgrounds available to challenge preconceptions, a non-inclusive couple from Croydon accidentally slipped through the net.</p> <p>"With BLTs, LBWs and a whole world of nationalities to choose from, I was sickened to see this pair of stereotypes leering at me while I was browsing for love", complained one reader. "In fact ‘Looking for Love?’ is also an offensive strap-line, if you think about it for far too long. What’s so wrong about people cohabiting for the sake of their carbon footprints?"</p> <p>Editors have now replaced the grossly generalising image, choosing a collage designed not to appeal to anyone too directly. Depicting two lesbians from Malawi, a Mexican with a head wound, three midgets, a unicorn and a penguin, love-lorn idealists are still struggling to take offense, choosing instead to ‘Be Alloted a Random Life Partner’. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48919#post-141199 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 08:19:13 +0000 FlashArry 141199@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cock ! Acwanaut beat me to the badger gag</p> <p>No time for a rewrite now, I'll just have to let it roll . </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48919#post-141197 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 08:11:14 +0000 FlashArry 141197@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The labour leader's intent to introduce a new technical baccalaureate for the 50% of school leavers who do not go on to university has drawn the following statement from Dr. Edward Jones, Spokesman for the Teacher's Union</p> <p>'This is precisely what the educational system needs. Students not persuing an undergraduate place are always seeking out my colleagues,<br /> complaining that their efforts are not receiving the recognition they deserve. These students feel that their levels of application and diligence are crying out for some reward. This technical baccalaureate goes someway to acknowledging those efforts, however slight'</p> <p>'We can no longer be part of a system that disregards ignorance and underachievement : this must now be celebrated, possibly with some sort of ceremony including a badge, a funny hat and a lollipop'</p> <p>Dr. Jones has recently been seconded to the TU's press department following accusations of excessive irony in his English classes.</p> <p>in related news, the technical baccalaureate is already being referred to in twitter feeds as 'tb', causing some concern amongst parent's groups that, under a labour government, underachieving teens will be forced to sleep with badgers.</p> <p>"We can get right behind that" confided Dr. Jones </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48852#post-140963 Sat, 29 Sep 2012 19:18:33 +0000 Squudge 140963@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What is Jeremy (silent C) Hunt's wife called?<br /> Might be gilding the lily but maybe she could sell her unwanted bric a brac on this sub </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48852#post-140960 Sat, 29 Sep 2012 18:14:56 +0000 antharrison 140960@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Daphne Hayes, a 47 year old woman from Stockport, has become the first person to successfully sell her husband on the BBC programme, Bargain Hunt.</p> <p>'I had the idea after watching the programme and noticing that people used it to sell 'unwanted bric-a-brac', a phrase which sounds very much like 'unwanted useless twat' so I decided that I might make a few quid from diposing of Tony, my husband of 23 years, said Daphne.</p> <p>Daphne continued 'At first BBC executives weren't keen, saying it was illegal to sell human beings in an auction, but when I told them he just sleeps on the sofa all day and could be mistaken for an under-dressed Egyptian mummy, they said it was worth a go.</p> <p>Mrs Hayes placed a £30 reserve on her husband, and was pleasantly surprised to receive £265 from a Russian human organ dealer, but had to include his spare pair of spectacles and his Rolex watches. An excited Mrs Hayes explained that she would use the unexpected windfall to buy something she really likes 'I quite fancy an iPhone 5, but am about £250 short, so I'll have to sell his laptop on eBay.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48813#post-140796 Fri, 28 Sep 2012 21:06:03 +0000 Long Distance Clara 140796@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Prime Minister David Cameron has given his strongest hint yet that he will press for a referendum on Britain's golfing relationship with Europe.</p> <p>'What we need is a new settlement between British and European golfers,' said Cameron today. 'It may not be in our best interests to leave the Europe Ryder Cup team, but having seen what the Spanish have done to their economy, it's just not right that one of them is captain.'</p> <p>British players are said to be increasingly annoyed at having to continually bail out their European team mates' scorecards, and today were furious when, after his country's latest austerity budget, Sergio Garcia arrived at the course without any clubs in his bag and his caddy on strike.</p> <p>'I'm not a golfing Eurosceptic,' insisted Cameron, 'but perhaps we should be looking to foster a special relationship with the US team. In fact Tiger Woods said exactly the same thing after meeting Samantha.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45804#post-131852 Tue, 24 Jul 2012 14:17:58 +0000 beau-jolly 131852@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Carter the unstoppable comedy machine. Stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45804#post-131757 Mon, 23 Jul 2012 22:57:24 +0000 Ironduke 131757@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>hog-whimperingly drink is my favourite morsel. </p> <p>Jolly good! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45804#post-131756 Mon, 23 Jul 2012 22:54:13 +0000 NewSuburbanDad 131756@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You've read the guidelines and have some great ideas. Good stuff. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45804#post-131755 Mon, 23 Jul 2012 22:41:48 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 131755@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A little bit odd, and very good. A perfect combination. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45804#post-131745 Mon, 23 Jul 2012 20:05:31 +0000 waylandsmithy 131745@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very nice! I wasn't sure if this was going to work from the headline, but it definitely does. Funny, tight and revealing, just like JC's jeans. Excellent, I love slightly strange ideas like this. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45804#post-131744 Mon, 23 Jul 2012 20:00:20 +0000 Carter 131744@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An image of Jesus has appeared on Jeremy Clarkson's teeth causing confusion amongst the faithful but pleasing the man himself. </p> <p>'Just because I'm on TV people seem to think I should have perfect teeth but I'm not a homosexual so I haven't had them capped or whitened and now the old pegs have been deemed good enough by the Almighty.'</p> <p>Clarkson admits that he has no faith in any deity but feels that he and Jesus have some things in common. </p> <p>'Jesus was a down-to-earth bloke. He made sure everyone got hog-whimperingly drunk at the Wedding at Cana and knew what it's like to give it the full moo down the Damascus Road on a precision engineered donkey. It's no different from me having drinks with David Cameron and Rebekkah Brookes and slinging the latest Audi round the Top Gear test track.'</p> <p>One area where they do differ is that of personal style.</p> <p>'If that JC was back now then this JC would say to him “Look mate, you've got to ditch the dress. Plus sandals are only worn by vegetarians, or worse, women.” I'd have him wearing pale Levi 501s, an untucked checked shirt and a leather jacket for a classic masculine look that blends in anywhere. And, of course, I'd set him straight on the face-fuzz unless he actually wanted to look like a paedophile.'</p> <p>In terms of their respective careers Clarkson found parallels between himself and the man whose face has so unexpectedly appeared across his front teeth.</p> <p>'Jesus was outspoken and controversial. So am I. He had twelve disciples and I've got Hammond and May. And both of us know that spending time all blokes together talking things out over a pint or a simple supper is a unique pleasure that feminists will never understand. It's not our fault that you can't get together for more than five minutes without slagging each other off, ladies.'</p> <p>'Of course when it comes to being answerable to The Man then Jesus had it easier. His boss was only God, mine's Rupert fucking Murdoch.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42947#post-122826 Tue, 15 May 2012 20:07:22 +0000 Skylarking 122826@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Left Alert ahoy ed? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42947#post-122771 Tue, 15 May 2012 13:10:51 +0000 Perks 122771@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good and pun-tastic finished with a great punhline. 5 from me </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42947#post-122762 Tue, 15 May 2012 11:50:49 +0000 weematt 122762@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brill. There is a role for Pitbully in the forthcoming film about a dog tagger and his struggle to survive in a rough estate. The working title is "Goodbye Mr Chips". </p>