23535 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 14:43:16 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57595#post-168347 Sat, 16 Mar 2013 08:48:57 +0000 roybland 168347@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57595#post-167019 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 18:08:18 +0000 Paddy Berzinski 167019@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Best I've read since I started reading here. Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57595#post-167007 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 17:07:44 +0000 AReader 167007@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not the funniest story ever to get 5 stars, but might be close. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57595#post-167005 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 17:01:56 +0000 roybland 167005@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'Oh,no, 'said Inspector Jack Watson from outside 49 Spring Gardens Blackburn where he had just examined the scene of a horrible murder. 'I wouldn't say this is the most horrible murder I've witnessed in a career spanning thirty years, give a year or two here and there.</p> <p>'The Yorkshire Ripper murders were quite horrible - but probably not the worst I'd experienced in a police career then spanning two months,' he said.</p> <p>But Inspector Watson said there were even more horrible murders to come, such as the Fred West murders which, horrible as they were, still were not quite the worst he'd experienced in quite a long police career of fifteen years,or thereabouts,of solving murders.</p> <p>So traumatised was he after all this, Inspector Watson elected to transfer to traffic duty but quickly witnessed a horrible road rage murder - not,though,he says, quite the worst road rage murder he'd witnessed in his short career as a traffic cop spanning two days and five hours.</p> <p>Now, after Spring Gardens - six dismembered bodies, a decapitated donkey,a microwaved cat and a new-born baby impaled on a toasting fork - Inspector Watson is thinking of retirement.</p> <p>'I don't quite get it,' confessed Inspector Watson's superior, Chief Inspector John Braine.</p> <p>'I can't understand why Jack doesn't say Spring Gardens is the most horrible murder he's had to investigate in thirty years - or thereabouts - of police work,' he said. 'That's what you say. I've not come across anything quite like this in all my thirty years -or thereabouts- of fighting crime. It's horrible.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19472#post-166586 Thu, 07 Mar 2013 12:20:39 +0000 Squudge 166586@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like this, and it is nice to have something techie for the nerds.</p> <p>If you wanted full FP length, you might throw in a moan about occlusion from fat woodpidgeon arses. Numbers of the contented double-wide birds have risen above predicted norms and led to a shadowing effect, exacerbated when they actually shit on the panels. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49173#post-141903 Fri, 05 Oct 2012 22:23:27 +0000 Dick Everyman 141903@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A team of eminent neurologists has linked memory loss to the introduction of Facebook Timeline and satellite locational devices. </p> <p>In a study of over 10,000 Facebook users it has been found that Timeline is replacing the consolidation of information in both short and long term memory in humans and their spatial awareness. Hence getting from A to B without the aid of Timeline, Google Street View or GPS software such as TomTom may prove impossible within a few generations.</p> <p>In short, humans will no longer need to store information in their brains as Facebook will control this function, thus freeing the mind to concentrate on the here and now. Memories will be stored in one convenient place, somewhere within the vaults of Silicon Valley.</p> <p>Professor Albert Cummings of University College London explains, “The hippocampus, the memory part of the brain and a major component of the brains of humans and other vertebrates is fast becoming redundant with the use of social media. Studies have shown that the volume of the hippocampus on each side of the brain prior to the introduction of Timeline was about 3–3.5 cm3. Our research now indicates that this drops to 1-1.5cm3 after prolonged exposure to many social networking and locational sites.</p> <p>In other mammals, where the use of Facebook is unknown, there are still strong spatial skills, particularly those that relate to the location of food and the opposite sex. There is increasing evidence that some mammals, particularly lions, bears and wolves are developing a larger hippocampus than humans, and that this will ultimately lead to them becoming the dominant species. Fish have a good chance too so humans will ultimately become the food of choice for many species.</p> <p>Professor Cummings concluded, “There is a strong reason to believe that the decline in the size of the human hippocampus through the use of Timeline and other software and devices will spell the end of mankind. However, as a regular user of Facebook I can confidently say that it has not affected me and that as a regular user of Facebook it has not affected and as a regular user of Facebook it has not…. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47965#post-137834 Wed, 12 Sep 2012 12:23:39 +0000 Darkbill 2.0 137834@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>US Open tennis champion Andy Murray is reported to be overjoyed at the prospect of ending his days on a TV commentary panel. The Scot came off court in New York almost guaranteed a spot discussing how good or bad other people are at tennis on a major terrestrial TV network. Prior to his grand slam victory there were concerns the best he would manage would be Sky Sports.</p> <p>The mood inside the Team Murray camp is said to be ‘ebullient’, especially after they explained to Murray what the word meant.</p> <p>One Murray insider admitted there had been concerns immediately after the match that the best he might achieve was the freedom of the city of Stirling. “You couldn’t pay someone to take Stirling, never mind give it away for free,” the Team Murray spokesperson pointed out.</p> <p>Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond was amongst those who praised the tennis player.</p> <p>Addressing the Scottish Parliament, Salmond said: “Andy Murray has joined the ranks of Sir Sean Connery and Sir Alex Ferguson in the pantheon of humourless, arrogant Jocks who’d punch you in the mouth as soon as look at you. Especially if you imply that this is somehow a victory for <em>Great Britain</em>. Fuck that.”</p> <p>Andrew Castle, a former sportsperson who now talks about sport or ‘human interest’ fluff on TV, said Murray had the charisma to front his own sports-based panel show.</p> <p>“Right now, Sue Barker must be shitting herself,” added Castle.</p> <p>BBC TV Head of Sports Commentator Selection, Darren Quick, refused to confirm or deny that the channel had already approached Murray with an offer.</p> <p>Quick said: “Andy’s only 25 years old, which means he’s got at least three or four more years of decent tennis in him, before being handed his arse by some teenager from Croatia.</p> <p>"Then, and only then, would we consider approaching him; but I should add that presenting BBC sport is not simply a matter of being good at sport. The BBC is a public service broadcaster and must strike a balance so that the less-gifted are also given a voice, hence our ongoing commitment to Alan Hanson.”</p> <p>Seasoned TV ‘sportsentator’ Gary Linekar said: “Before Wimbledon when Murray broke down and wept like a bitch, people just hadn’t warmed to his brusque Caledonian demeanour. People thought he was just a younger Gordon Brown, with madder hair.</p> <p>“But since he started going all vulnerable and sensitive he’s won everything he’s touched. I’m sure it’s in part due to the influence of his coach Ivan Lendl, but I’d say from experience sealing a pact with Satan might have had a hand in it as well."</p> <p>Since winning the Open tournament, sponsorship offers have begun flooding in for the young Scotsman, who is already the face and thighs of Glenditch Highland water.</p> <p>Linekar added: "Andy is the epitome of physical perfection and finely honed athleticism. Seven years from now there’s no reason why he couldn’t be the face of Quavers, Wotsits, Space Raiders you name it.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42029#post-120336 Thu, 26 Apr 2012 13:36:07 +0000 button 120336@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Really like this, really can't stand John Terry. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42029#post-120252 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 22:52:19 +0000 bonjonelson 120252@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Offside! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42029#post-120251 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 21:53:58 +0000 kga6 120251@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A perfect mirroring of a sad situation. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42029#post-120248 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 21:47:53 +0000 The All New Jeni B 120248@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oh no, had he sneaked in by the back door?<br /> Penalty ref!!</p> <p>Some stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42029#post-120172 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 09:25:00 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 120172@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Five starts from me, Mr Terry has always been good in either box! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42029#post-120170 Wed, 25 Apr 2012 09:13:25 +0000 Midfield Diamond 120170@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42029#post-120124 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:39:14 +0000 Buddha 120124@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good, much peace be upon you. Needs some paragraph breaks and perhaps another angle to be truly enlightened. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42029#post-120120 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 22:27:26 +0000 Yikes 120120@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very funny! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42029#post-120117 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 22:02:16 +0000 charlies_hat 120117@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love it. Terry shown to be a lying weasel until he saw the TV, and then we are expected to put up with "what an honest guy for coming clean" comments... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42029#post-120115 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 21:57:50 +0000 Hooch 120115@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following the release of a sex tape with a woman who is not his wife or official mistress John Terry has argued ‘her run took her into me.’<br /> Many people question how Terry could make such a claim given the video evidence but an unrepentant Terry continued, “I have now seen the replay and I can understand why people feel the way they do. It looks like it is intentional. What happened, however, was series of unfortunate coincidences. First off all, I had strained my groin earlier that day, causing blood to rush to the general area. The build-up in blood can cause an erection. That’s just medical science.”<br /> This was only the beginning of his troubles, “After training I was walking home with a close friend, the woman in the video, when it began to rain. We rushed home, taking our clothes off. Sitting around in damp clothes is a good way to get sick; I’m a professional footballer I can’t get a cold right now. We were both tremendously embarrassed so I covered my eyes as she ran to get a towel. She checked her run which caused me to go up the back of her. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not that kind of player. I need to see the white of their eyes as they orgasm”<br /> After questioning why he didn’t pull out immediately Terry responds, “Back spasm. An old injury flared up causing me to jerk my spine backwards and forwards, gradually gaining momentum as I go. It’s dangerous not to let this play out completely which is why she is asking me not to stop. She is just concerned for my health. Eventually I settle on a position, which is good for my back, explaining why she screamed, ‘Right there. Right fucking there.’ It was completely innocent.”<br /> Chelsea team-mate Frank Lampard defended Terry, “Myself and the rest of the team were right behind John on the night. We were all lined up waiting our turn. Ashley was on camera as he has the experience. “ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29656#post-83423 Fri, 26 Aug 2011 11:43:50 +0000 butagirl 83423@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You forgot the website webuyanykarzai.com! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29656#post-83293 Thu, 25 Aug 2011 13:46:59 +0000 dvo4fun 83293@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Scrap your Cold (or still warm)Dictators for ££Cash.com"?? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29656#post-83283 Thu, 25 Aug 2011 12:45:13 +0000 Duff 83283@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great piece. Very funny indeed. Stars for you... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29656#post-83278 Thu, 25 Aug 2011 12:29:33 +0000 DrTurmoil 83278@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks people! Any ideas for an annoying catchphrase? Does the name of the site need to be in the title to make it more obvious? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29656#post-83257 Thu, 25 Aug 2011 10:00:48 +0000 dvo4fun 83257@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like this idea. Take some ponts</p> <p>"...which promises to return at least the head of your captured head of state in the same state...." ?? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29656#post-83255 Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:57:11 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 83255@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it, particularly the giant freepost envelope. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29656#post-83241 Thu, 25 Aug 2011 08:59:28 +0000 DrTurmoil 83241@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As the news from Libya sees the value of tyrants on the open market hit an all time high, enterprising UK experts in exploitation of public greed and gullibility have launched a major ad campaign for a new website, shopyourdictator.com.</p> <p>The new commercial shows Arabic-looking types of all size and classes firing semi-automatic weapons in the air and waving their shoes about, all claiming to have earned as much as a million US dollars in small denomination notes for sending senior members of hated regimes to a show trial and certain death using a giant freepost envelope. </p> <p>Rival services have rapidly sprung up, with newcomer ditchyourdespot.co.uk capturing the public imagination with commercials featuring an animated wheel-eyed mass-murderer shouting maniacally that his crimes against humanity demand he's sold down the river to ditchyourdespot, which promises to return your captive head of state in the condition you sent him if you find a better deal elsewhere. The ads have proven so popular a range of collectable figures of Dessie Despot has been launched with outfits including overly-medalled military officer, fundamentalist religious leader, and Middle East playboy in Biarritz.</p> <p>Meanwhile the Advertising Standards Authority has criticised the adverts for not fully explaining the terms and conditions involved in claiming the bounty and demanded changes. The ads must now feature a disclaimer at the end noting that the value on the head of a mass-murdering sociopath can go down as well as up, depending on the price of oil, who's in the White House, and how obsessed the viewing public are with the X Factor instead of the news. That taking money to hand over a leader to his death can result in your own lynching in the event of a counter-coup by loyalists. And that Nick Clegg has no cash value. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27283#post-75225 Mon, 04 Jul 2011 07:06:24 +0000 arthurminnit 75225@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>and anyway, do i have to study to be good at lazy racism? seems a bit of a contradiction in terms to me.<br /> probably some bloody crazy edict from brussels!<br /> do we have a quota to fulfil? no wonder diana is staying dead, better off out of it, she is, her and that wog she was shagging. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27283#post-75224 Mon, 04 Jul 2011 07:02:06 +0000 arthurminnit 75224@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>he would if it was made into a bar, and then you hit him several times around the head with it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27283#post-75103 Sat, 02 Jul 2011 19:15:15 +0000 Al OPecia 75103@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oh God, not ANOTHER American who doesn't understand irony? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27283#post-75098 Sat, 02 Jul 2011 17:48:33 +0000 rikkor 75098@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This sub major, major deserves to be an FP. That's why I am writting (sic) this comment. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27283#post-75070 Sat, 02 Jul 2011 10:47:11 +0000 JohnA 75070@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I note that there is not enough mention of the problems of French people surrendering at the drop of a chapeau, of Italians retreating, of Irishmen all supporting the IRA and drinking foul dark brews made out of river water, of Welsh sheepshaggers and Scottish alcoholics, of grossly obese loud Americans thinking that they own the place. </p> <p>Waylandsmithy probably likes driving on the wrong side of the road when in Europe, and for that reason alone raises my suspicions as to his purity to the Cause.</p> <p>I regret therefore that I cannot award five stars on this occasion. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27306#post-75047 Fri, 01 Jul 2011 23:02:15 +0000 Dick Everyman 75047@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, you're absolutely right. Stupid boy that I am! I've got six hours!! ;0) </p>