14807 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Mon, 20 May 2013 22:30:04 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-131437 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 16:06:33 +0000 custard cream 131437@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Loved this on Newsbiscuit:</p> <p>"Downing Street statement confirms Nancy Cameron is a little girl - not an insult." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-131436 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 15:52:21 +0000 Rootin Tootin 131436@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Two rabbits escape from the vivisection lab and run across the road and take refuge in a large cabbage field. They spend the next day gorging themselves on fresh cabbages. They move on to the next field which grows carrots. Again, they feed until they've had their fill. The next day they come across a colony of female rabbits and spend the next day shagging the lot of them.</p> <p>The next morning, they wake up, and one rabbit says to the other "I'm going back to the lab". The 2nd rabbit looks incredulously at his mate and says "Why? You've got all the fresh vegetables that you can eat, plenty of fresh air and as many does as you could possibly want to shag"</p> <p>The 1st rabbit nods, and says "Yes, I know, but I'm dying for a fag". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-131434 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 15:41:54 +0000 Rootin Tootin 131434@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?</p> <p>Two - although I don't know how they get in there. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-131371 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 08:57:56 +0000 ptangyangkipperbang 131371@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. I've managed to turn myself around now and that's what it's all about. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-129791 Wed, 11 Jul 2012 14:49:18 +0000 Sinnick 129791@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Picture a cartoon depicting 2 crabby vultures sitting in a tree:</p> <p>Vulture 1: Who won the 1976 Brazilian Grand Prix ?<br /> Vulture 2: Lauda<br /> Vulture 1: I said, WHO WON THE 1976 BRAZILIAN GRAND PRIX ?<br /> Vulture 2: LAUDA<br /> Vulture 1: <font size="4">LOOK, WHO WON THE 1976 BRAZILIAN GRAND PRIX ?</font><br /> Vulture 2: <font size="4">I SAID LAUDA, FUCKING LAUDA</font><br /> Vulture 1: Deaf cunt </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-129534 Tue, 10 Jul 2012 21:00:43 +0000 Quaz 129534@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ernie: "I'm a self made man!"<br /> Eric: "Oh really? Then why did you give yourself such a big mouth?" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-129362 Tue, 10 Jul 2012 10:41:03 +0000 Oxbridge 129362@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?</p> <p>One, of course. And it's NOT funny... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-129260 Mon, 09 Jul 2012 19:56:48 +0000 nickb 129260@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Two sausages in a frying pan.<br /> Sausage 1: It's getting hot in here.<br /> Sausage 2: Fuck me! A talking sausage! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-129181 Mon, 09 Jul 2012 13:32:54 +0000 kimllfixit 129181@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oh Midfield Diamond, that's really poor... *shakes head in disappointment* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-129159 Mon, 09 Jul 2012 11:36:46 +0000 Midfield Diamond 129159@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A man farts out loud in the street and coincidentally, the marketing manager of Yamaha UK happens to hear it. He recognises that the sound is exactly the same as the FS1E moped (yeah, that’s how old this joke is), and so signs the man up on the spot to front a new advertising campaign.</p> <p>To cut a long story short (and you can really spin this one out if you feel like it), the campaign is a spectacular success and the man becomes rich and famous due to his ability to fart like a Yamaha FS1E motorbike.</p> <p>But one day, he wakes up, farts and realises that something dreadful has happened – the noise is completely different. It has become more high-pitched, less powerful-sounding and nothing like a Yamaha FS1E. He goes to see the doctor who examines him and discovers an abscess. </p> <p>And we all know that abscess makes the fart go Honda. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128926 Sat, 07 Jul 2012 13:23:14 +0000 nickb 128926@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My wife gave me a microphone from a popular German manufacturer.</p> <p>A Beyer?</p> <p>Depends what she wants. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128922 Sat, 07 Jul 2012 12:54:14 +0000 nickb 128922@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Two rabbits outside a toasted sandwich shop.</p> <p>Rabbit 1: I've been right through their menu. Ham and cheese, honey and peanut butter, tuna melt, jam and clotted cream. I think I'm going to die</p> <p>Rabbit 2: Indigestion?</p> <p>Rabbit 1: No, mixing me toasties. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128921 Sat, 07 Jul 2012 12:50:29 +0000 nickb 128921@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This was a cartoon:</p> <p>Caveman: "At last we have discovered the secret of fire. At last we can cook our food. At last we can have light in the dark hours. At last we can scare away predators. At last we can light this joint."</p> <p>Are cartoons allowed? None better than Paul Crum's half submerged hippos, one of whom says "I keep thinking it's Tuesday" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128916 Sat, 07 Jul 2012 11:20:58 +0000 Scroat 128916@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>How to you find Will Smith in the snow?</p> <p>Look for fresh prints.</p> <p>Boom boom. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128704 Thu, 05 Jul 2012 15:28:39 +0000 kimllfixit 128704@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.</p> <p>So the barman gives her one. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128702 Thu, 05 Jul 2012 15:26:30 +0000 kimllfixit 128702@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Y'know, if we didn't have electricity we'd have to watch television by candlelight... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128695 Thu, 05 Jul 2012 14:17:40 +0000 button 128695@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Now do you turn a duck into a soul singer?</p> <p>Put it in the microwave until its bill withers. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128685 Thu, 05 Jul 2012 13:50:02 +0000 beau-jolly 128685@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mummy, there's a man at the door with a bill.<br /> Don't be silly it must be a duck with a hat on.</p> <p>Well it always makes oi smile. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128681 Thu, 05 Jul 2012 12:44:47 +0000 grumblechops 128681@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've been having trouble with my racing snails. I thought if I removed their shells it might improve the power to weight ratio and make them go faster....</p> <p>But it only made them more sluggish </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128678 Thu, 05 Jul 2012 11:23:33 +0000 Haywood Manley 128678@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'I bought my wife an electric guitar.'</p> <p>'A Fender?'</p> <p>'No, she was actually quite pleased.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128673 Thu, 05 Jul 2012 10:59:49 +0000 Oxbridge 128673@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've just been on holiday in Lyme Regis</p> <p>In Dorset?</p> <p>Oh yeah, I'd recommend it to anyone </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128640 Thu, 05 Jul 2012 01:12:46 +0000 Very Little Else 128640@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>And there I was ever so slowly (I'm not built for speed) working on something about English Heritage announcing the imminent extinction of The Great British Gag... researchers unable to find a butcher giving the correct response to "Is that your Aireshire Bacon?", travel agents failing to react appropriately to "My wife's gone to Jamaica...". Professionals fairing no better: dentists non-plussed with the 2.30 emergency appointment quip, vets failing to play their part in the "My dog's got no nose" scenario etc.<br /> I know, been done masterfully a while back I'm sure, &amp; not only that; the gags are not dead! They're very much alive &amp; well here it would seem. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=5#post-128630 Wed, 04 Jul 2012 22:43:54 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 128630@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?</p> <p>YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=4#post-128624 Wed, 04 Jul 2012 21:53:28 +0000 Haywood Manley 128624@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'Mr. Whippy having a shit.'</p> <p>The punch line to my favourite visual joke. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=4#post-128617 Wed, 04 Jul 2012 21:38:34 +0000 nickb 128617@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like short.<br /> "That's not my dog" is the best tag ever </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=4#post-128615 Wed, 04 Jul 2012 21:27:07 +0000 nickb 128615@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Snowman one to snowman two: "Can you smell carrots?" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=4#post-128577 Wed, 04 Jul 2012 14:46:56 +0000 Haywood Manley 128577@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Why is Lt. Uhura brown?</p> <p>Because William Shatner. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=4#post-128574 Wed, 04 Jul 2012 14:12:46 +0000 ptangyangkipperbang 128574@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Did you hear about the Hyena who swallowed an oxo cube?</p> <p>He made himself a laughing stock. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=4#post-128562 Wed, 04 Jul 2012 12:54:52 +0000 seymour totti 128562@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Why did the Baker have brown fingers?</p> <p>He kneaded a poo. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2636&page=4#post-128554 Wed, 04 Jul 2012 12:11:13 +0000 button 128554@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>How do you stop a dog chasing someone on a bike?<br /> Take its bike away. </p>