14783 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 10:15:22 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33702#post-95626 Fri, 11 Nov 2011 17:19:46 +0000 dvo4fun 95626@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely idea VCG. When I worked in the motor trade it was routine to send back to manufacturer any parts that we ourselves damaged in unloading.</p> <p>I expect that in the run-up to end of year jolities the single check out arrangement will be extended to all daylight opening not just peak times.</p> <p>My previous 'Tesco of choice' had a a wonderfully subversive checkout chappie who sought to engage me in general discusions about Tesco's shortcomings and also in specific discussions about female customers in the queue. Now I come to think about it maybe it was one of those hidden camera TV prog's that never made it to air. I'm particularly irritated by insistence in pricing in non-comparable ways, e.g. pack of 6 tomatos priced per unit, price of free range tomatos by weight. With no scales available. Not funny I have to agree.Sorry this is just turning into a moan. If I think of anything funny I'll get back to you. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33702#post-95624 Fri, 11 Nov 2011 17:07:51 +0000 Perks 95624@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>All those things are painfull but i feel they are all compounded by a tanoy announcement saying 'Thank you for shopping with us,we value your custom.'</p> <p>Stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33702#post-95615 Fri, 11 Nov 2011 16:28:16 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 95615@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Open to suggestions for different ways of making shopping more unpleasant. Preferably something funny, which I seem to have failed to manage. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33702#post-95613 Fri, 11 Nov 2011 16:25:30 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 95613@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Supermarket giant Tesco have been forced to replace the ‘You shop, we drop’ slogan for their home delivery service after admitting that many staff had taken it too literally.</p> <p>The last 12 months have seen the company hit with record numbers of goods being returned as ‘damaged on delivery’, and their Online Director Jeremy Thomas admits that a drastic change was needed.</p> <p>‘Some of our colleagues in the delivery department seem to have taken the slogan at face value. It appears they would routinely fill an online order, take the goods up to the mezzanine floor of the warehouse, and throw them 20 feet down to the ground, before loading the battered mess onto the van for delivery.’ said Mr Thomas, ‘Our customers expect fruit and veg to be already past its best and pretty much inedible when it arrives, but they don’t expect it to also be covered with vinegar, mayonnaise and shards of broken glass from the rest of their order.’</p> <p>The new slogan which will take effect immediately is ‘You select the products you would like to purchase using our online ordering system, we package them safely and securely and deliver them to your house at an inconvenient time, occasionally within the use by date’.</p> <p>‘Ok, so it’s not so snappy as the original, and has lost the rhyming element, but we estimate that it will save us somewhere around £120 million this year alone from not having to write off damaged goods.’ continued Mr Thomas, ‘We can then invest that saving into investigating new ways to make shopping with us more painful, like closing all but one checkout at peak hours, fitting all our trolleys with brakes that apply themselves at random, or encouraging our staff to start pushing over old women in the middle of busy aisles.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69640 Thu, 26 May 2011 15:54:54 +0000 wulfin8 69640@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very funny Mr Smithy. You can't beat a tramp; apparently it's against the law these days. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25530#post-69606 Thu, 26 May 2011 10:58:34 +0000 SingingHinny 69606@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I normally find that a bit of a turn-off, but in your case, I'll make an exception. Great stuff of late! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25530#post-69605 Thu, 26 May 2011 10:41:46 +0000 rickwestwell 69605@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks, SingingHinny - my nipples explode with delight at your comment! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69596 Thu, 26 May 2011 10:08:05 +0000 Nick McCarr 69596@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Colonel James Lightfoot-Smythe of Kent was outraged: "Soon it will no longer be possible to take my dog and go for a tramp in the woods!"</p> <p>Stars x 5 </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69575 Thu, 26 May 2011 08:01:42 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 69575@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thought I'd already commented on this but apparently not, must be going senile. Top work Mr Smithy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69569 Thu, 26 May 2011 07:21:21 +0000 jp1885 69569@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent stuff - I've left you 5 stars underneath the arches. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69542 Wed, 25 May 2011 18:43:44 +0000 Danny 69542@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25517#post-69540 Wed, 25 May 2011 17:50:12 +0000 Des Custard 69540@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for the comments chaps. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69532 Wed, 25 May 2011 16:07:31 +0000 Golgo13 69532@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Now you're just showing off... ;)</p> <p>Excellent. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69531 Wed, 25 May 2011 16:03:05 +0000 waylandsmithy 69531@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for all the kind comments. I'm not happy with the headline though: how about:</p> <p>Tramp-led underfoot: fate of traditional hobos 'beggars belief'</p> <p>? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25530#post-69494 Wed, 25 May 2011 11:57:16 +0000 SingingHinny 69494@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As I read his potent words, I rippled and undulated with unrestrained hysteria. Joyful fluids flowed across my flushed skin as the desire to explode grew ever stonger. By the end I was wilted at my desk, unable to concentrate on what I was meant to be doing. Oh yeah, and I had my lad in my hand. </p> <p>Top stuff, Rick. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25530#post-69490 Wed, 25 May 2011 11:50:38 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 69490@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>By my reckoning Rick is jointly in the lead with somebody calling themselves "newsbiscuit" with both on 4. Then Golgo on 3.</p> <p>But my money is on Wigan to find some form late in the month and take the WOM by the skin of their teeth. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69489 Wed, 25 May 2011 11:42:11 +0000 Smaug 69489@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This totally cracked me up, in particular "sharing harmonicas was blamed for the spread of whimsy amongst vagrants" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25530#post-69487 Wed, 25 May 2011 11:33:58 +0000 OllieP 69487@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've only had two FPs and I think you're ahead of everyone with 4! So with a bit of luck it's your turn, and it appears to be about time! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25530#post-69486 Wed, 25 May 2011 11:20:16 +0000 rickwestwell 69486@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks chaps. Ollie - you're as likely as me to get the WoM, but my money's on wayland and golgo! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69479 Wed, 25 May 2011 10:57:10 +0000 rickwestwell 69479@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I Love it too. Beautiful stuff! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69475 Wed, 25 May 2011 10:38:40 +0000 Neil Palfreyman 69475@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very clever and very funny! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69474 Wed, 25 May 2011 10:33:11 +0000 waylandsmithy 69474@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers Qoxiivi, now updated. I think this works a bit better now?</p> <p>Blimey, your name is hard to type... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69465 Wed, 25 May 2011 10:01:37 +0000 Qoxiivi 69465@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Perfect. Great idea - definitely Bill Oddie. Then maybe you can also add something about him being a bearded and aggressive man who ostensibly lives in a shed in the woods. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69464 Wed, 25 May 2011 09:55:17 +0000 waylandsmithy 69464@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Blimey, thanks everyone! Qoxiivi, thanks for the really constructive comments. I've tweaked the end now, but I wasn't that happy with it!</p> <p>I picked Ken because he's the scruffiest of the current MPs. Maybe it would be better with the last paragraph changed to 'more representation in the media', and then distancing themselves from Bill Oddie? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69462 Wed, 25 May 2011 09:45:14 +0000 Griffin 69462@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Many stars. Well done. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69458 Wed, 25 May 2011 09:41:23 +0000 bonjonelson 69458@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Don't mention Ken Clarke, apparently he reads newsbiscuit and downvotes everything that mentions him </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69455 Wed, 25 May 2011 09:21:36 +0000 Qoxiivi 69455@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is brilliant. One of the best things I’ve read on here since I joined. A skillfully and thoroughly mined idea, with so many angles covered, that must have taken a while to compose and had me laughing all the way through.</p> <p>If there’s one weak point, in my opinion anyway, it’s the payoff line. Just didn’t do the rest of it justice. It’s nice and works and all, but just didn’t make me laugh in the same way the rest of the piece did.</p> <p>Maybe something about the House of Commons smelling of piss? I don't know, just a suggestion. Anyway, five thoroughly deserved stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69454 Wed, 25 May 2011 09:20:50 +0000 Golgo13 69454@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25573#post-69440 Wed, 25 May 2011 08:55:45 +0000 waylandsmithy 69440@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Traditional, native tramps are at their lowest numbers since records began, according to a government report. Destruction of their habitat, increased competition from more aggressive vagrants and a national shortage of fingerless gloves and spotted handkerchiefs have all contributed to their decline, the report claims.</p> <p>"Climate change is an important factor", explained Ms Wanderer, of the Royal Society for Tramps and Hobos. "Modern, high-tech tramps with their breathable anoraks are more adaptable than the traditional tweed-clad variety, even the few that have adopted comically-torn umbrellas can't compete", she lamented.</p> <p>Digital media was also cited as a major contributor to the decline. "You can't sleep under an iPad", quipped Ms Wanderer, "and the decline of the broadsheet newspaper, coupled with a reduction in the number of bins in which to find them, makes it increasingly tough for tramps to nest".</p> <p>Other experts have suggested that the traditional call of the tramp, "spare us 50p for a cup of tea, luv?" is being drowned out by the more aggressive Big Issue vagrant, which has rapidly engulfed many of the Traditional Tramp's feeding grounds. "The traditional call is rather quiet and meek, and its message confusing to younger members of the public", explained Professor Chaplin, who teaches Ne'erdowell Studies at Bath University. "We've run some experiments in our laboratory, but 'spare us £3.60 for a Skinny Choco-latté with a vanilla shot' fails to nurture the same sympathy in passers-by".</p> <p>Despite these problems, there is hope for the tramps. Various charities have started handing out top hats with the top ripped out, and hobnail boots with holes in. Street workshops have been set up to teach inexperienced tramps how to appear grubby but chirpy, and how to tie a handkerchief to a stick.</p> <p>There have been ground-breaking projects to protect indigenous hobos in the States, where it is now a legal requirement to provide at least one wooden wagon with an open door on all interstate railway trains. Other projects have seen clean harmonicas handed out at drop-in centres, after sharing harmonicas was blamed for the spread of whimsy amongst vagrants. A similar scheme for violins with only two strings is being considered here.</p> <p>But some tramps want their cause to go further. "We'd really like to have more representation in the media, especially on television", commented Bob Dime, of the Tramp Protection League. "Some people might think we are adequately represented on popular programmes about endangered native species, but I must emphasise that Bill Oddie isn't a proper tramp. He's just a scruffy bastard." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25517#post-69396 Tue, 24 May 2011 20:49:57 +0000 button 69396@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Back of the net....5 stars </p>