14623 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Mon, 20 May 2013 17:16:19 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59445#post-173003 Fri, 12 Apr 2013 16:26:41 +0000 sponge finger 173003@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>you so roanree ♫ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59445#post-172888 Thu, 11 Apr 2013 22:48:23 +0000 Squudge 172888@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>we shall see - it got beat by the excellent Danny Boyle number last night (which was missing the Pet Shop Boys wobbling along in a golf cart to the tune of 'West End Girls', I noticed). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59445#post-172864 Thu, 11 Apr 2013 20:23:31 +0000 custard cream 172864@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Another one for the front page! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59445#post-172863 Thu, 11 Apr 2013 19:59:23 +0000 dvo4fun 172863@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>nice angle Squudge</p> <p>"...the last thing the artistic director for Operation True Blue needs is sudden interruptions to the live BBC coverage being upstaged by errant missiles fizzing all over the Sea of Japan." was my favourite line </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59445#post-172847 Thu, 11 Apr 2013 18:33:49 +0000 sponge finger 172847@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>well I read it Squudge.<br /> ...'crack one off' ...heh. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59445#post-172673 Wed, 10 Apr 2013 23:46:31 +0000 Squudge 172673@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Political leaders around the world have today unified in their condemnation of the current agressive stance by North Korea. The timing is being censured as both tasteless and inconsiderate, when most heads of state or their senior diplomats will wish to pay their respects to one another at the Thatcher funeral on Wednesday, away from the stress of formal summits. This time should be set aside for quiet reflection in sorting out trade and arms agreements.</p> <p><img src="http://assets7.pinimg.com/upload/87116574014602272_oJpYPiVJ.jpg"></p> <p>UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said that Kim Jong Un has 'gone too far' this time, waving his missiles in everyone's faces and threatening to crack one off. A senior official from the UN stated that starting thermonuclear war this close to the funeral will undoubtedly blight the travel plans of several senior attendees, not to mention the seating plan at the funeral and subsequent evening dinner. From the British perspective, he said that on their 'big day', the last thing the artistic director for Operation True Blue needs is sudden interruptions to the live BBC coverage being upstaged by errant missiles fizzing all over the Sea of Japan.</p> <p>South Korea has offered a 'Gangnam tribute' to Maggie for the funeral, but amid concerns that a war might cause problems with airline schedules this may have to be via video conference instead. A spokesman for PSY said he was worried that this might detract from the gravitas of the performance. He offered "Something should be done about these unstable dictatorial leaders starting wars for political gain, particularly when they can't afford to kit out their armed forces. </p> <p>Who does this Kim Jong chap think he is? Tony Blair?" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59391#post-172648 Wed, 10 Apr 2013 21:49:41 +0000 LensCap 172648@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59314">previous post</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59391#post-172543 Wed, 10 Apr 2013 09:57:57 +0000 Squudge 172543@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Tony B-liar of Magdalen was seen in a gently rumpled off-the-shoulder shirt weeping tears of joy at the mouth of the tomb </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59391#post-172519 Wed, 10 Apr 2013 07:06:47 +0000 SuburbanDad 172519@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Just three days after her death, followers of Margaret Thatcher are claiming their leader has come back to life. Unconfirmed reports suggest she has appeared across Britain, still preaching the "good news" of moneterism and a robust fiscal policy, and looking transfigured by the whole death experience. </p> <p>'She's alive - rejoice!' cried an ecstatic Jeremy Hunt. 'We were in a locked cabinet room debating what to do now, and she just walked through the wall, whacked the PM in the face with her handbag, and told him to"stop being so bloody wet". Amazing woman!' </p> <p>Rumours of prime-ministerial resurrection began when her body went missing. ' I opened the silver coffin to kiss her goodbye and she'd gone' declared a tearful Carol Thatcher, her daughter. 'I assumed my brother Mark had sold her to an American theme park, like he planned to, but he assures me he's still talking to several interested parties and hasn't settled the price yet. Is she really back? I can't believe it'.</p> <p>Other sightings of the cult leader include an appearance on the M1, in which she came alongside William Hague, wound her window down and told him "the lady's not for turning in her grave", and a report from the Port Stanley Conservative Association that she is "standing on our shoreline, inviting Argentinians to "come and have a go if they think they're hard enough"".</p> <p>'She told me she's going to return to earth and rescue us from Europe,' declared Hunt, 'but you have to believe in her to see her. Nick Clegg missed the cabinet meeting that day and is refusing to believe us - the doubting bastard.'</p> <p>Appearing before the faithful in Tonbridge, Lady Thatcher promised not to spark a leadership battle by attempting to resume earthly control of her movement post-death, choosing instead to ascend and orchestrate her followers from behind the celestial scenes. </p> <p>'What would Maggie do?' said a member of the movement speaking anonymously. 'Well, for a start she'd oust Cameron. We know who she preferred. "You are Michael," she said, " and now they hate you as much as they hated me. Well done, my son.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58092#post-168807 Tue, 19 Mar 2013 10:01:41 +0000 Oxbridge 168807@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Stars. Though I wouldn't have Pickles spelling it out quite so cynically, the humour / horror is in the fact that this isn't a million miles from what some of them genuinely believe. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58092#post-168803 Tue, 19 Mar 2013 09:36:25 +0000 roybland 168803@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Tomorrow George may surprise us. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58137#post-168544 Mon, 18 Mar 2013 09:26:54 +0000 Dick Everyman 168544@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following his murder trial at the Old Bailey, serial killer, Charles ‘Chalky’ White was reported to be ‘extremely vexed' with the courtroom sketches which regularly appeared in the media.</p> <p>During the three week trial in which the so called ‘albino-killer’ admitted to five counts of first degree murder and seven attempted murders he was sketched several times by two professional courtroom artists. </p> <p>“These blokes are supposed to know their stuff,” said the disgruntled mass murderer from his high security cell at Parkhurst Prison, “but, they’ve got me sitting between two members of the filth and for all intents and purposes I’m invisible.”</p> <p>Courtroom artist, Penelope Rylance admitted that Mr White had been a difficult subject. “My white chalk crayons couldn’t quite capture his clothes or his features and if it hadn’t been for the pentagram tattoo carved into the middle of his forehead and the ’love and hate’ ones on his knuckles he wouldn’t have shown up at all. The two police officers sitting either side of him with their blues suits and little piggy faces were much easier subjects.”</p> <p>A spokesman for the Old Bailey said, “If we were to adopt the US style bright orange boiler suit look for defendants then courtroom artists would have a better chance of drawing their subjects in greater detail. Mr White’s pallid complexion and predilection for expensive white suits did cause a few headaches for our courtroom artists.”</p> <p>Penelope Rylance is now looking forward to her next courtroom sitting with the trial of Phil ‘The Chainsaw’ Macready who is charged with eight counts of murder at a retirement home in Melrose on the Scottish borders. “Thankfully this one is ginger,” she said. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58092#post-168434 Sun, 17 Mar 2013 02:12:56 +0000 Titus 168434@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Potentially a good idea, except that this lot would arrange for all the building work be subcontracted out to some Chinese construction complany, or else let Rumanian workers do it all. They wouldn't even manage to organise work in a workhouse, let alone organise anything in a breweery. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58092#post-168432 Sun, 17 Mar 2013 01:33:26 +0000 dvo4fun 168432@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep, sensible policies for a sensible GB </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58092#post-168417 Sat, 16 Mar 2013 22:01:07 +0000 writinginbsl 168417@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>good idea</p> <p>short paras tho-could be expanded imho</p> <p>stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58092#post-168396 Sat, 16 Mar 2013 17:44:40 +0000 Tripod 168396@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Let them eat cake... Stars... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58092#post-168395 Sat, 16 Mar 2013 17:36:21 +0000 roybland 168395@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Chancellor George Osborne will announce an ambitious program of workhouse building when he presents his Budget on Wednesday.</p> <p>'Every town and village in England will have its own workhouse,' a Treasury spokesman said. </p> <p>The plan is a response to calls to boost the economy with capital and infrastructure investment and will be an essential element of the Coalition's New Poor Law 2013.</p> <p>'Wee will erect within every borough a workehouse to sett poore people to worke,' said Department Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith who believes that the 19th century workhouse or 'spike' with its harsh regime of hard labour will replace his recent failed policy of setting poor people to work at Poundland.</p> <p>The workhouses will be known as Gideon's Way Workhouses for the Destitute or George's Spikes.</p> <p>People on JSA may be sent to a workhouse to be employed on tasks such as breaking stones, bone crushing to produce fertilizer, or picking oakum using a large metal nail known as a spike.</p> <p>'It's the government's most exciting Back to the Workhouse program yet,' said Mr Duncan Smith.'It will help the unemployed back to work and give those who can't afford our bedroom tax a place to live - killing two poor people with one policy.'</p> <p>Communities Minister Eric Pickles said:</p> <p>'This measure means that impoverished people, often unemployed through no fault of their own, will be humiliated by being herded into an harsh and forbidding workhouse and forced to work long hours for a pittance (if indeed that) until they drop through sheer exhaustion. OK, it's not quite Poundland, but it's the next best thing and a brilliant idea.'</p> <p>Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said the Liberal Democrats were resolutely opposed to the workhouse program and would be voting for the measure.</p> <p>Mr Osborne - heir apparent to the Irish baronetcy of Ballentaylor and Ballylemon - is himself no stranger to hard times. As an undergraduate at Oxford he once had to borrow from his father to pay his subscription to the Bullingdon Club.</p> <p>'George has never forgotten what it's like to be on your uppers,' said the Treasury spokesman. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54390#post-158465 Thu, 17 Jan 2013 13:40:38 +0000 Son of Barnabas 158465@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I saw the Rebecca ad just now - I thought she <strong><em>was</em></strong> the back end of a bus </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30672#post-157667 Mon, 14 Jan 2013 09:21:29 +0000 Dick Everyman 157667@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely stuff Wayland</p> <p>Eric Morcambe once made reference to a speeding ambulance with its siren at full blast outside his window - "They'll never sell any ice-cream going at that speed" (or words to that effect)</p> <p>Looks like they stopped and succeeded ;0) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30672#post-157652 Mon, 14 Jan 2013 07:20:54 +0000 Squudge 157652@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely, I haven't fossicked through the oldies. My raspberry mivvi is melting (as the lady paramedic said to the injured bishop). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30672#post-157649 Mon, 14 Jan 2013 05:03:25 +0000 Yikes 157649@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well this was very funny! 100s and 1,000s of stars!</p> <p>Did it ever get used??? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30672#post-157643 Mon, 14 Jan 2013 02:34:27 +0000 Audible Minority 157643@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Also, can anyone please tell me how to use a pretty picture instead of the random Rorschach card that was allocated to me when I signed on?</p> <p>Thank you. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30672#post-157641 Mon, 14 Jan 2013 02:18:46 +0000 Audible Minority 157641@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The original was posted by Chraine Potok in September 1893, and had the Kent Fire Brigade playing the William Tell Overture and the Greater Manchester Police playing Popeye the Sailor Man. Nevertheless, the original article got only four-and-half stars and, like this one, never made it to the Newsbiscuit front page. Such are the expectations of the Newsbiscuit editorial committee that it turns such talent away. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54390#post-157097 Thu, 10 Jan 2013 09:17:42 +0000 medici2471 157097@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great idea ***** I'm expecting to see Rebecca on the back end of a bus any day now... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54390#post-157096 Thu, 10 Jan 2013 09:08:23 +0000 dvo4fun 157096@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep. Almost truebiscuit.</p> <p>"The digital displays utilises users’ mobile phone GPS and browsing history to display life-sized adverts that are user specific." Aaagh - can they do that!? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54390#post-157088 Thu, 10 Jan 2013 07:12:49 +0000 Squudge 157088@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>v visual - v good </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54390#post-157078 Wed, 09 Jan 2013 23:57:51 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 157078@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Missed this earlier. Great idea. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54390#post-157077 Wed, 09 Jan 2013 23:39:23 +0000 Sir Lupus 157077@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>this is one of those stories where I think, don't post it, they'll read it and do it! Stars nevertheless... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54390#post-156984 Wed, 09 Jan 2013 13:45:13 +0000 Perks 156984@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Internet search and online advertising giant Google has decided to enter into the ‘real world’ market with targeted advertising on billboards and bus shelters. The digital displays utilises users’ mobile phone GPS and browsing history to display life-sized adverts that are user specific.</p> <p> “I have to say Google’s Ads saved my life” happy customer Helen Blackstock told us. “I was walking down the high street and I was starving. The bus shelter managed to access my Facebook updates to know I eat at this time, and access my photos to helpfully recommend the local McDonalds“.</p> <p> Despite that initial success, not all of the adverts are as logical as the ones shown to a hungry obese person. As Paul Samson from Aylesbury explains, the technology cost him his marriage. “I had been looking online for a new tie to wear to a wedding. Later, when driving home with my wife, there was a 20’ X 30’ poster saying there was a ‘Thai bride waiting for Mr Samson’. Although I managed to convince her that it was a just a mistake, a bus suggesting I could ‘grow my penis in just 3 weeks‘ and that ‘mature women in my area were ready and willing’ was the final embarrassing straw“.</p> <p> Unfortunately it is not only ’Joe public’ that has been affected by the project. George Entwhistle, very well-off ex-director general of the BBC told us he had been plagued by the same banner ad where ever he goes. “I’m not sure why, because I don’t even own a computer, but I’m always offered a program that can 'convert my PDF files'”</p> <p>Google have denied claims that this form of advertising is not only embarrassing but also a huge breech of privacy. They point out that anyone that uses their search engine automatically sign up to the terms and conditions and accept the ‘lack of privacy’ policy. As their spokesman explained, “typing you query into the search box is the same as a digital signature. It’s not our fault people choose to sign their name ‘free porn’.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54135#post-156383 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 22:44:58 +0000 Tess Goes 156383@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'd hate a good fisting from him... It'd be like two at once xxx </p>