1 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Fri, 24 May 2013 18:15:48 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60830#post-178122 Wed, 15 May 2013 08:39:41 +0000 Wrenfoe 178122@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It may be that UKIP are transcending satire and reaching some higher ground where they are instantly funnier than anything that can be said about them.</p> <p>The Boris Johnson effect! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60830#post-178119 Wed, 15 May 2013 08:37:04 +0000 Sinnick 178119@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Couldn't find "The Candidate" anywhere (I felt I had to use "InPrivate" when searching), but please don't find it for me now - I really don't want to know.</p> <p>I notice the UKIP website has a ticker, in capitals: "UKIP WIN DES LYNAM'S VOTE".</p> <p>I think that would have made a good ticker here, frankly, but with the grammatical error corrected. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60830#post-178116 Wed, 15 May 2013 08:25:34 +0000 Wrenfoe 178116@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lol - That's my fear </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60830#post-178114 Wed, 15 May 2013 08:22:41 +0000 Titus 178114@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"UKIP had gone with a story that satirized them"</p> <p>Don't wish to be unkind, but think about that fact. What does it tell you? Does it not suggest that your satire might not have had quite the biting edge which you might have hoped for? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60830#post-178104 Wed, 15 May 2013 07:32:44 +0000 Wrenfoe 178104@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hi - Sorry - the bump was not intended because of the lack of comments/stars. I just thought it was heavily ironic that UKIP had gone with a story that satirized them :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60830#post-178097 Wed, 15 May 2013 06:31:55 +0000 Yikes 178097@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hey Wrenfoe - sometimes we all get a bit frustrated our stories don't get the comments and attention we hoped but mostly it is best to move on rather than excessive bumping.</p> <p>The editors do read every story and there have been numerous examples of no star, no comment, and non-bumped stories making the front page days, weeks, and even months after they were written.</p> <p>Prime example of this was the Mike Tyson story, one of the site's most popular stories ever. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60830#post-178092 Wed, 15 May 2013 05:06:15 +0000 Wrenfoe 178092@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Er...UKIP's new online newspaper "The Candidate" is running this story I'm not sure they got the point - doh! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61064#post-177995 Tue, 14 May 2013 13:08:29 +0000 beau-jolly 177995@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It doesn't need to be longer sredni. Its how you use it that counts. </p> <p>Apparently </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61099#post-177955 Tue, 14 May 2013 09:36:35 +0000 nickb 177955@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>good 1 </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61099#post-177954 Tue, 14 May 2013 09:32:23 +0000 Wrenfoe 177954@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cool - Russel Tarr just retweeted this story :D </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61064#post-177892 Mon, 13 May 2013 20:13:30 +0000 blacklesbian 177892@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ok so what I am getting here is sredni vashta is rickwestwell and Dick is a vicar - I think that fits? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61064#post-177861 Mon, 13 May 2013 17:14:39 +0000 Eric Swell 177861@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Please note that I am *NOT* dead.</p> <p>My credit card has been blocked, that's all. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61064#post-177858 Mon, 13 May 2013 17:02:35 +0000 Flotsam 177858@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sorry to spoil your fun, but I paid $6.95 for "Teen College First-Time Fisting" last night, and I'm not dead yet.</p> <p>If this story gets published then a complaint goes immediately to the PCC. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177561 Sat, 11 May 2013 09:31:50 +0000 brianflan 177561@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Many thanks commentators for taking time in between your busy days to offer advice and have taken on a couple of points that I hope offer a little more to the piece. All new to this so trying to absorb as much as possible without losing my original train of thought </p> <p><strong>Elderly To House Prisoners</strong> </p> <p>Convicted murderers, sex offenders, and terrorists will be used as ‘live in’ companions to help out retirees under a radical new homestay scheme starting next month.</p> <p>Every pensioner with a spare room is being urged to sign up for the ‘Adopt-A-Con’ programme with hosts being paid up to £50 a week for each life sentence prisoner they house in return for providing food and board.</p> <p>Prisoners, in return, will be urged to’ ‘help around the house,’ ‘pick up shopping,’ or ‘refrain from murder.’</p> <p>“With prison overcrowding at historical highs due, in part, to the high number of life sentence prisoners having a single bed cell, it makes perfect business sense to find them alternative accommodation.” Said Nijel Thorpe, Executive Officer for the programme. </p> <p>With community groups finding it increasingly difficult to assist the elderly, proponents of the plan see this as a win-win solution. </p> <p>“We’re after retirees or couples who have empty rooms who want to be part of the solution. For those in social housing, it will also prevent them being slammed with the new bedroom tax.” Added Mr Thorpe.</p> <p><strong>Doubt, but Gran will open her doors</strong></p> <p>She admits to ‘worrying what the neighbours might think’ but 75-year-old retiree Ginny Hendricks will soon open up her home to a carefully selected paedophile.</p> <p>The former housewife and grandmother of fifteen now lives alone and has a spare bedroom after the death of her husband.</p> <p>“I feel quite concerned about the rising cost of living and I thought ‘I can earn a few quid here, I’ve got space’.”</p> <p>She is not fazed by the accusations of naivety from her family “I’ve read a lot about paedophiles in the papers and look at me, I’m hardly their sort. Anyway, with all these burglars and young bloody hooligans causing trouble it will be nice to have a man around the house.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177544 Sat, 11 May 2013 06:40:17 +0000 Al OPecia 177544@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent, 5, - you could add "persistent shop-lifters are in particularly high demand, to help the elderly keep weekly food bills down" or similar. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61121#post-177505 Fri, 10 May 2013 19:57:39 +0000 Maverick 177505@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In what has been described as a potential Nobel winning breakthrough, scientists at Cambridge University's physics faculty have announced today that they have successfully isolated a single sud from a sink full of washing up water.</p> <p>"The commercial applications of this discovery are incredible" said a spokesman. "Imagine the millions of unused, wasted suds going down the drain every year all over the world. If we can produce single suds on demand, as required, we can completely eliminate that waste!"</p> <p>The spokesman warned, however, that the public will have to wait a while before they see single sud soap on the shelf at Tesco. "There is much more experimentation to be done, not to mention the clinical trials. It will be the end of the decade at least before we see a commercial product that is proven safe for use by humans."</p> <p>The physics faculty is rumoured to be starting work now on isolating a single fizz from a bottle of pop. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177494 Fri, 10 May 2013 18:00:08 +0000 Titus 177494@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah. Make the old codgers earn their heating allowance. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177486 Fri, 10 May 2013 16:36:39 +0000 FlashArry 177486@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Worthy of a push back up the page - very funny indeed - </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61104#post-177460 Fri, 10 May 2013 12:36:06 +0000 nickb 177460@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Dannies Baker and De Vito have abandoned plans to co-star in a new transatlantic TV comedy show, the Two Dannies, after being accused of “similarity”. </p> <p>Baker, well known for being both original and outspoken, refused to travel to New York to film the show. Meanwhile the outspoken and original De Vito refused to come to London. In the end, the pilot episode of The Two Dannies was shot exactly midway between the two cities, aboard an aircraft. </p> <p>“I made sure Danny got to shoot all the exterior material,” ribbed Baker. De Vito wisecracked: “It’s the first time any pilot show where the pilot had to intervene to stop the American star killing the less well-known English one, recently fired from his radio show.” But the two men really fell out when crew members started to feign lack of ability to tell one Danny from another, despite the obvious difference in wealth and eyeware. “That’s such a British word, “feign”, mocked De Vito. And is it true that no-one likes you and you don’t care, Danny? How can you live with yourself?"</p> <p>Both men deny the charge of plagiarising each other’ s appearance, but admit to having 50% of the same name. “That’s where the confusion arses,” Danny Baker told the Hollywood Reporter. “Don’t you mean arises?” quipped De Vito. “That’s the trouble with you English. It’s not that you don’t speak your own language properly. It’s that you’re all anally fixated.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61099#post-177452 Fri, 10 May 2013 12:06:15 +0000 Skylarking 177452@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>And we all know the black and white cat was a metaphor for multiculturalism... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61099#post-177450 Fri, 10 May 2013 12:03:22 +0000 Wrenfoe 177450@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Damn - I think you're right! That'll teach me to snooze while the kids are watching TV </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61099#post-177449 Fri, 10 May 2013 12:00:13 +0000 LensCap 177449@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think it is Fireman Sam who is the welsh nationalist (he's from Pont-y-Pandy)- Postman Pat is one of those Yorkshire types from Greendale. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61099#post-177441 Fri, 10 May 2013 10:49:50 +0000 Wrenfoe 177441@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>Speaking today to BBC executives the Secretary of State voiced his frustration about the lack of historical depth in the “Mr Men” syllabus. Furthermore he expressed concerns about the general “dumbing down” of Cbeebies and pandering to an almost child-like audience.</strong></p> <p>Concerned that Balamory has given rise to Scottish nationalism, Mr. Gove insisted that history must be taught in chronological order. “We need a linear curriculum, which starts with Noggin the Nog and ends with the Clangers” </p> <p>In response Kay Benbow, Channel Controller, said “British industry is lacking in graduates willing to study Science with Nina and the Neurons or Modern Languages with Rastamouse”. Ms. Benbow pointed to the crumbling rail infrastructure of Chuggington. “We need more engineers like Bob the Builder.”</p> <p>The Russell Group has already stated a preference for a return to a “Muffin the Mule” style of classroom delivery and something involving a wet nurse. The Secretary for State had previously supported the Creationist approach adopted in Waybuloo and the Teletubby abstinence initiative - “Say No to Po”. However, Mr. Gove still felt standards were slipping: “Our children are being educated by the under qualified on “I can cook” or without a clear CRB certificate hence “Grandpa in my pocket”. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177419 Fri, 10 May 2013 08:48:38 +0000 Lenny Bee 177419@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I liked it too. Very much.</p> <p>I'd have liked it even more, I suspect, if the scheme had more desperate ministerial 'carrot' in it and less stick. That would have made it even more believable - and funnier. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177397 Fri, 10 May 2013 06:30:14 +0000 weematt 177397@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Best for some time now, FP stuff. Forget the edit time limit and sub again with a version you feel might be better.<br /> I agree with Dick. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177385 Fri, 10 May 2013 05:42:11 +0000 rickwestwell 177385@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You only get 6 hours to edit subs, so you can chuck a new version down here as a comment, and no-one will hold it against you. The editorial team will still see the new version. Probably. </p> <p>More to the point, was it a whole finger? How did that happen then? I can see a nasty cut being possible, no trouble, but a whole finger? What were you cutting it up with, a scythe? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177383 Fri, 10 May 2013 05:32:15 +0000 brianflan 177383@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well it seems like I can no longer edit to iron out my virginal mistakes, so it will have remain it as it is for posterity</p> <p>Never to be dismayed, (although I once was a little down at heel when I lost a finger cutting up an orange) I will once again put my less-than-full compliment of fingers to keyboard and come up with another 250 - 400 words (as per the guidelines which I will stick to for my own irrelevant reasons) that will slightly justify my existence on this planet.</p> <p>BF </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61050#post-177379 Fri, 10 May 2013 02:48:05 +0000 rickwestwell 177379@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff, the only thing which counts against it is that the real news story might not be too familiar to people (even though it should be). </p> <p>Last line a bit weak, maybe could be a bit surreal, to end on a lighter note? Like "I’ve read a lot about paedophiles in the papers and I'm not worried, not with these feet." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61064#post-177372 Fri, 10 May 2013 02:23:59 +0000 rickwestwell 177372@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like this a lot, and it could certainly be a great FP without feeling padded out. This could even be one where you can have a silly name, though if so, it should be much sillier.</p> <p>Mind you, the name "Eric Swell" feels slightly familiar, can't quite put my finger on why... :-) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61064#post-177370 Fri, 10 May 2013 00:29:50 +0000 sredni vashta 177370@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I forgot that there are two different kinds of principle/principal. No excuse for incredibl(e)y though. Bad, bad boy. </p>