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Suicide guidelines permit feeding Bruce Forsyth to lions

The Director of Public Prosecutions has confirmed that new suicide guidelines will be based on how annoying the deceased is, and how inventive the method of killing. Examples used to develop the...

ED209 25.02.10 9:14am
Olympics latest: Britain's curlers forced out

T34 25.02.10 9:08am
Wales trainer unavailable for next Six Nations match 0
brownpaperreporter 25.02.10 8:57am
Angel Delight to be changed to a class A Dessert..

If taken straight from packet...

virtuallywill 25.02.10 8:42am
Guidance on assisted death by killer whale likely...

Death by James Whale later...

virtuallywill 25.02.10 8:38am
BBC cost-cutting leads to 80's news repeats on Falklands

The BBC was today accused of excessive cutbacks, as news on the Falklands War and the Ethiopian famine was repeated nearly 30 years after it was first broadcast. The director-general claimed that...

ED209 25.02.10 8:09am
Darling counters Brown's "forces of hell" with the forces of Hull: John Prescott 0
the coarse whisperer 25.02.10 1:21am
the coarse whisperer
White chavs 'must do more to integrate into British society' say immigrants

Immigrants from around the UK have held a press conference to call on White chavs to make more effort to integrate into British society. "Quite frankly, we think it's time they started mixing...

ED209 24.02.10 11:51pm
Plug pulled on lunchtime City analyst for not wearing red braces

The BBC confirmed tonight that its interview with an analyst reporting from The City lunchtime Tuesday was cut short due ‘technical problems with the presentation.’ ‘If they come on here for...

malgor 24.02.10 11:34pm
Turkey officers in coup charges

Chicken officers in coop charges...

MrChigleysAunt 24.02.10 9:55pm
Man with moobs refused breast screening - takes case to High Court

Trevor Fudge, 43, weighs in at 17 stone 12. He puts his right hand under his left moob and gives it a playful jiggle for the camera. Trevor packs a rather magnificent 36A moob and he explains why he...

brownpaperreporter 24.02.10 9:20pm

Choose a hobby. Choose an anorak. Choose a fucking camera. Choose some mates. Choose a country. Choose fucking India. Choose a hotel. Choose to photograph some fucking planes. Choose rotting away in...

roybland 24.02.10 9:07pm
Hundreds flock to bunkers after 'Heavy snow' warning

Emergency shelters in Scotland are said to be overflowing tonight, after a Met Office warning of heavy snow. Experts suggest while the quantity of snow expected is nothing out of the ordinary, the...

Mrblacker 24.02.10 8:57pm
Araldite called in to fix Broken Britain. More soon 0
Mrblacker 24.02.10 8:44pm
Pub at Heathrow notice an increase in pilots stopping for a drink after work 1
virtuallywill 24.02.10 8:33pm
Hunter F. Thompson
David Attenborough's new series "The Newsbiscuit Submissions Migration"

Across the sweeping veldt herds of pages take the long treacherous path across forums. Stopping only for ink refills at a local waterhole they relentlessly surge on to the BB board...

brownpaperreporter 24.02.10 7:55pm
Hunter F. Thompson
Sex Ed Bill "Perverted" by Catholics

Ministers are being accused of caving into pressure from faith schools over sex and relationships education. Under a late amendment to the bill, the more explicit parts of the to-be-compulsory...

John Square 24.02.10 5:32pm
John Square
'Anything But Football' shirts sold out in Scotland within minutes 0
Scroat 24.02.10 5:24pm
Woods Returns To Re-Hab - "There are 6 nurses I haven't shagged yet" says Tiger

At the risk of falling foul of a moderator (As if! - Ed), did anyone know that "shag my balls" is a genuine golfing term?! This is the act carried out when a caddie collects his golfers golf balls...

My Sharona 24.02.10 5:07pm
edward hack
"Nothing fishy" claims Sturgeon.

Note to self.must raise joke standards!...

My Sharona 24.02.10 4:35pm
My Sharona
Andrew Rawnsley Forced To Admit His Sources Are Actually 24-Carrot 0
Lt Frank Slade 24.02.10 4:23pm
Lt Frank Slade
Who me? a bully? Oo no missis! OO no! nay nay and thrice nay!, I was flabbergasted at the very idea!, My gast has never been...

regdwight 24.02.10 2:58pm
Pope Benedict sings tribute at Elton John's funeral

Goodbye sad old queen,, Though I never knew you at all,, I always used to love your songs,, Now you make my flesh just crawl. You came out of your closet, And you seemed to use your fame, To...

regdwight 24.02.10 2:08pm
Council to clamp down on Serial killers using wrong bins.

Councils in the UK have come down hard on serial killers who dispose of their corpses in the wrong bins and even threatened them with fines unless they comply with new regulations. Mike Fisher from...

twookey 24.02.10 1:50pm
Winter Olympics hailed as cleanest ever

Organisers of this years Winter Olympics in Vancouver have lauded the event as the cleanest in games history. Viewers will not have failed to notice the special measures that have been put into place...

TerribleTim 24.02.10 12:36pm
Britain's unluckiest driver

A Perthshire man has been named Britain's unluckiest driver after a collision with a gritting lorry. A policeman at the scene asked "what are the odds on that?"...

MrChigleysAunt 24.02.10 12:14pm
Two Little Yobs by Rolf Harris

Two little yobs had two little toys, Each had a wooden hammer, Gaily they played each summers day, Vandalising their local manor, One little chap had a mishap, Broke off his hammers head, Wept...

rolf harris 24.02.10 12:10pm
rolf harris
Dogs to lose legs in 100 years say geneticists

Some species of dogs will lose their legs in the next century, according to research by scientists published in the journal Nature. Their findings are based on the fashion for small dogs like...

Mrblacker 24.02.10 11:35am
MP's report on homeopathy 'has been watered down dramatically' 0
exigo 24.02.10 11:34am
(OL) Pregnancy rates amongst 10-12 year olds hits new high

Erthat's it...

edward hack 24.02.10 10:47am
edward hack