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Motorway chaos as farmer takes control of tractor 2
scribbler 4 days

Bruce, a mature alsation with an impeccable driving record was unable to prevent the dangerous swerving which resulted when his farmer took control of the 7 tonne vehicle...

Cameron “Not Well Enough” to Lose the Election 4
doctowhodini 4 days

Doctors have declared that the Prime Minister must be allowed to continue in power on medical grounds. After carefully studying David Cameron’s low poll ratings, medical experts quickly...

Few surprises expected from Islamic State election manifesto. 6
MADJEZ 4 days

The main talking points are likely to be cutting the deficit through a mixture of plundering ancient art treasures and kidnapping foreigners for ransom. They will also promise strict Sharia law for...

Eton School house band drummer told to get off his Hi-Hat 0
Robert Koch 4 days

hi hat tip to Maverick...

Twitter Gaff Puts Labour Three Points Clear 1
RolandJ 4 days

An unlikely Twitter phenomenon and an illiterate Conservative candidate have combined to propel Labour three points clear in the latest YouGov poll. What started as an innocent teenage crush on...

Introduction of ‘strip-snooker’ smacks of desperation says former champion 7
harrypalmer 4 days

Following Ronnie O’Sullivan’s decision to remove his shoes and play in his socks during his World Championship match on Tuesday snooker bosses are set to extend the idea in an attempt to lure...

Boys named Jaiden, Zaiden and Raiden think Sue got off lightly 1
sdritchie 4 days
St George's Day Not Just for Fascists 0
Dun Dunkin 4 days
Poor quality fake moustache blamed as Armenian genocide recognised again 0
sdritchie 4 days

The calibre of disguises available in western Asia is once more in the spotlight after yet another country recognised the Armenian Genocide. Having been on the run for exactly 100 years, the...

Dubstepping Into the Future - Miliband Takes Style Tips from Skrillex 2
S-Bahn 4 days

In an attempt to appeal to ‘Da Yoof’ vote, Labour leader Ed Miliband has enlisted the help of well know young person and bass-dropper Skrillex. Skrillex, best known for making dance tracks out...

Crime figures soar after ONS staff are given truth drug 0
beckfordburger 4 days
Buckingham Palace agree deal with Sky for pay-per-view Royal Birth 0
Andrew Alexander 4 days

Details have been announced of live TV coverage of the impending royal birth, with Sky TV customers able to access live footage from the delivery room for a one-off fee of £15.99. Claire Balding...

Single Monster Raving Loony MP Predicted To End Up Holding Balance Of Power 2
Titus 4 days

No dafter-than-usual government policies to follow ...

Candidates quizzed on leadership by man who led Newsnight ratings over a cliff 0
ronseal 4 days
Jedis still outnumber Nuns 0
Wrenfoe 4 days

Despite reaching a 25 year recruitment high, sadly 45 Nuns are somewhat dwarfed by the several hundred thousand UK citizens declaring their commitment to the Force in the 2011 census. Women are still...

Tesco Boss Has Bonus Turned Into Clubcard Points. 0
Dun Dunkin 4 days
Every £6.4Bn helps 1
Squudge 4 days
Milliband's Portrait Eyes 'Follow You Around the Room' 3
Dun Dunkin 5 days

As social media goes into overdrive about Milliband's eyes it has just been discovered that in a recent oil painting of Milliband that his eyes follow you around the room...

ISPs to Block Porn on Election Day 2
doctowhodini 5 days

Following the news that E4 will suspend broadcasts on election day to encourage young people to vote, Internet Service Providers have now also decided to turn off porn for that day.,...

San Fransisco Mayor says San Andreas 'not his fault' 1
throngsman 5 days
Cameron and Miliband vie to sign up Nicola Sturgeon for consultancy work. 0
deskpilot3 5 days

That's the way to do it!...

Wonga pin business expansion hopes on new Greek subsidiary... 0
deskpilot3 5 days

No repayments soon...

Pile of bricks not yet a wall. Mortar follow. 4
Crayon 5 days
Grant Shapps accused of self promotion 0
bobski 5 days

Grant Shapps, Conservative Party Chairman (edit: who has an extremely thick ten inch penis) has denied editing his own Wikipedia Page (edit: though he has been known to attract more beautiful women...

Malcolm Tucker to present Top Gear 4
Squudge 5 days

That's it for now. I'll write the sub when I get in from work tonight. Feel free to chip in with suggestions in the meantime. I am sure Peter Capaldi will be delighted with this bit of...

"Some animals are more equal than others" say pigs after dog crashes tractor 4
sdritchie 5 days

The Prime Pig has reiterated his stance on equality after the latest dog crash on the northern part of the farm. With the general piglection coming up in only a couple of weeks, more and more...

John Merrick cancels his Facebook page 0
throngsman 5 days
Government Dossier Warns Scotland is Only 45 Minutes Away 5
Dun Dunkin 5 days
Dog to be new presenter of Top Gear 1
apepper 5 days

More to follow...

No Scots needed in Parliament says David William Donald Cameron. 0
Maverick 5 days